Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To be annoyed that in-laws only give gifts when we see them

74 replies

Fridaynight2021 · 08/12/2021 16:07

There’s a history of manipulative behaviour and emotional blackmail from MIL so I’m not thinking very favourably on anything they do. But do tell me I’m an ungrateful ogre.

It was our DCs 1st birthday a few weeks ago and they sent nothing. No card, no present - nothing. Other family obviously sent at least a card with a thoughtful message in that I can keep for when they’re older. Previously they’ve done the same over Christmas and my other DC birthdays. Sometimes they bring a gift 3 months later, but only when we see them. I’m not bothered about the gifts, but if you’re getting someone a present then why wouldn’t you make that extra effort for it to be there on the actual occasion? They apply SO much pressure for us to visit them or them to see us, are so overbearing with the children when we do see them, desperately want a good relationship with them. Yet don’t think that sending a birthday card on the child’s birthday might be nice?

OP posts:

setera · 08/12/2021 16:09

My in-laws do this to.

They never wished happy birthday on any of her birthdays but would give a birthday gift whenever we saw them even though we would invite them to ours.

It's always their house, on their terms

Fuck them

AliveAndSleeping · 08/12/2021 16:10

To be honest it wouldn't bother me. They probably think it doesn't matter (as I do) and is not sign that they don't care.

The other stuff is a different story.

Chasingsquirrels · 08/12/2021 16:12

It's not worth letting it annoy you, because that means you're upset but it doesn't impact on them at all.
Either say something or try to accept it (I'd try to accept it), everyone is different.

card with a thoughtful message in that I can keep for when they’re older do people really do this? At what point do you expect your child to actually be interested? Cards for a 1yo are for the parents, not the child.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 08/12/2021 16:13

Mil never bothered with ds. We sent his 1st birthday card back recorded delivery.. Dc don't need fucking fake relatives...

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/12/2021 16:14

Yabu on this point. I can see why, as there is obviously a backstory, but they may think children arent as interested in cards as the present, and may want to see the children opening their presents. I don't think it's bad not to send a card or present on their actual birthday (my children 3 and 6 would be fine with a video call or phone call for a birthday message and presents later and in fact in some ways it would be better as they can tend to get overwhelmed on their birthday itself). On it's own though just because they do something differently to your family doesn't mean its the 'wrong' way and unless they are giving gifts with a load of stipulations (eg I'm giving you a voucher for this shop but it's got to be spent on x) then I'd say in general if they are getting your children presents it's a positive thing

De88 · 08/12/2021 16:15

My partner does this to his family, who he does love, and it proper fucks me off, especially because he doesn't see see what the problem is at all. So he'll go to the effort of a nice card and present but not bother to ensure they actually get it on the day. I don't understand really.

Gwenhwyfar · 08/12/2021 16:16

"Cards for a 1yo are for the parents, not the child."

I've never given my baby/toddler niece a card. She can't read!

Lushplease · 08/12/2021 16:16

Yanbu
No card on baby's first Birthday is awful imo plus it wouldn't take much to have the gift sent to you.
Gifts when you see them isn't the same. It's putting no effort in whatsoever. It's just thoughtless and shows that actually they aren't thinking of you and can't be arsed to make an effort to see you. You're not quite worth the hassle.
When it comes to Christmas I wouldn't be surprised if they're getting stuff in the January sales and giving it as a Xmas gift.
These people sound like they like the idea of having grandchildren but really don't care enough to put on the leg work.

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 08/12/2021 16:17

Op same.

My in laws have been incredibly difficult over gifts as well, same it's always got to be there house on their terms. If they see dc anywhere else it's them going on and on about going to their house which is a miserable experience for all.

At least your dp make the effort op and are straight forward that's all that matters really!

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 08/12/2021 16:18

Oh and drop the rope with the in laws and stop caring and take control. Don't be passive..

Original poster

Fridaynight2021 · 08/12/2021 16:21

That’s how it feels. Like the children aren’t worth the effort unless the GPs are getting some satisfaction in return (watching them open the present), rather than just giving a present because it’s nice for the receiver. And don’t get me started on presents that have been in the sale. Every clothing gift is an end of season sale item, so the children only get about two weeks wear out of them before the weather makes them unsuitable.

I wouldn’t keep every birthday card, but I have kept the 1st birthday cards and put the special ones in the baby book. My family and our friends wrote sweet messages.

OP posts:

Ozanj · 08/12/2021 16:23

My ILs are the same. They use being in a foreign country as an excuse but still expect DH to give cash gifts to their kids and if he forgets even gets reminded . The best thing you can do is not let it get to you - presents from people your kids don’t know are nice to haves. They aren’t essential.

Watchingpeppa12 · 08/12/2021 16:26

I can’t see an issue with this tbh! Lots of people enjoy giving gifts rather than receiving, they enjoy the satisfaction of someone opening a gift and getting excited about it, which children generally do. I wouldn’t over think it OP

ItsDinah · 08/12/2021 16:27

A card on the day is nice but people have very different ideas about this. Do your husband and your children post the grandparents cards ? . I wouldn't be bothered about not getting gifts until you see them,it gives you something to do when you meet and saves on the thankyou letters.

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 08/12/2021 16:27

Ours also use discount stores.
One year we were battered with emails and texts to go and collect gifts from wider family... I had over seas visitors at the time.

We eventually went round and it was a case of pencils, colouring and a small colouring book

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 08/12/2021 16:28

Even our visitors said wow!!
Lots of people save the first years card or any cards that have nice messages?

JaninaDuszejko · 08/12/2021 16:37

Families do things differently. DHs family are rubbish about birthdays. He had a big birthday this year and he got no acknowledgement about it from them at all, not even a card (my family had a party for him). DD1 has a birthday at Christmastime and MIL always forgets about it. It use to really annoy me but now I don't worry about it, if he wants to buy presents for them he can but I'm taking no part. My Mum is exactly the opposite and takes great pride in remembering birthdays and anniversaries which can be equally annoying (if she doesn't get a thankyou card within her prescribed acceptable time period then you are in trouble).

Haveyoubrushedyourteethtoday · 08/12/2021 16:38

That’s kind of how it works in our family. We live abroad. It’s never bothered me. It’s reciprocated. We all get along.

Hadtocomment · 08/12/2021 16:50

If the kid(s) is or are very young then I imagine some people would send a card and others wouldn't - thinking the baby wouldn't even understand it. Keeping cards in baby books - unless you ask them or tell them how would they even know you're doing this or want to do this? That's not a criticism of you doing this of course by the way - just that I think you seem to be reading a lot into things here because of the way you do things and your rituals which are probably not automatic to them. If you said you have a baby book and you'd love to include a card from them in - then that's fine. But I don't know how they'd even know this? As most really young kids prefer the paper to the present half the time I'd have thought giving the gifts when everyone could enjoy them and play with them rather than sending a card on the day - makes quite a lot of sense. Maybe you are irritated with them for other reasons, but I'd say maybe you should cut them some slack. Also you say they are desperate for a good relationship with the children - well that sounds like a positive to me and also like they do care. Different families just do things in slightly different ways and reading meanings into those ways from the perspective of how your own family does things might not be very fair.

freshcarnation · 08/12/2021 16:52

My DH calls this 'Pay per View'

Justmuddlingalong · 08/12/2021 16:54

I had a family member did this. It was a control thing, wanting to see the kids opening said presents and ensuring they knew exactly who the present was from. "Oh look was Santa left at our house for you" in mid February. 🙄

GiltEdges · 08/12/2021 16:59

This is a classic case of different families doing things differently.

In my family growing up, it would have been very much the norm to send a present/card in time for the occasion itself. Since meeting DH, I've realised not all families do things that way. For example SIL lives hundreds of miles away and prefers to have all her presents for Christmas to open at their "family" home when she comes back to visit, though that's not normally at Christmas itself (think this year it was April ).

Seems bonkers to me, but there you go. I do sort of understand grandparents wanting to see their DGC open their presents though. The joy of giving is important and it's a nicer experience for the children too IMO.

LowlandLucky · 08/12/2021 17:16

Keeping the present until you see someone is ok but it is never acceptable for a card not to be there on the occasion.

gersteddybears · 08/12/2021 22:08

Yea that's weird. It doesn't cost the earth to send a present and card in the post. If it's a chunky present then they should re think for what they can get to you or buy it online and send direct.

My dhs aunt and uncle buy the kids for every birthday and Christmas. They live hundred of miles away, a gf 6-7hrs drive but they buy gifts that can get sent for a reasonable price in the post. It's so lovely of them and very thoughtful. I think it's awful that they don't send anything for the actual birthday, not even a card 😮

Chickychoccyegg · 08/12/2021 22:21

I agree with previous poster who said it seems like a case of your family doing things differently.
It's not always a control issue, I know lots of people that love choosing gifts for people and handing them over to the recipients directly.
Could your other issues with her be clouding your thinking on this?

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread