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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that in-laws only give gifts when we see them

74 replies

Fridaynight2021 · 08/12/2021 16:07

There’s a history of manipulative behaviour and emotional blackmail from MIL so I’m not thinking very favourably on anything they do. But do tell me I’m an ungrateful ogre.

It was our DCs 1st birthday a few weeks ago and they sent nothing. No card, no present - nothing. Other family obviously sent at least a card with a thoughtful message in that I can keep for when they’re older. Previously they’ve done the same over Christmas and my other DC birthdays. Sometimes they bring a gift 3 months later, but only when we see them. I’m not bothered about the gifts, but if you’re getting someone a present then why wouldn’t you make that extra effort for it to be there on the actual occasion? They apply SO much pressure for us to visit them or them to see us, are so overbearing with the children when we do see them, desperately want a good relationship with them. Yet don’t think that sending a birthday card on the child’s birthday might be nice?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 08/12/2021 22:35

My mil thinks its important to give cards and gifts on person. Always has. She makes the effort to travel to be there around birthdays. Its important to her. Each to their own.

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 08/12/2021 22:37

Op has said her Mil is controlling though?

Ours are also mind boggling over post.
They send dd bday card that arrives late due to 2nd class stamp.
It makes me absolutely furious. I said to dh if something happen to me please never ever send our dc or their dc bday cards second hand

MolkosTeenageAngst · 08/12/2021 22:40

I never post people gifts even though I have usually bought them before their birthday and could post them to get there on time, I always wait until I see them even if it won’t be for weeks/ months after the date. I always assumed people would like to receive a gift in person just as I like to see people open the gift I’ve given and also thought it’s often quite nice to get a gift a short while after your birthday rather than get everything on the same day. It hadn’t occurred to me anybody would think I was rude or couldn’t be bothered Blush

Kite22 · 08/12/2021 22:40

YABU on this point.

At 1 yr old, the child has no concept of a date for their birthday.
As they get older, it is nice that they associate that gift with the giver.

However, clearly - as you have stated - there is a backstory and you are looking for issues which don't need to be issues.

card with a thoughtful message in that I can keep for when they’re older do people really do this? At what point do you expect your child to actually be interested? Cards for a 1yo are for the parents, not the child.

This ^

Rubyupbeat · 08/12/2021 22:45

It wouldn't bother me, they probably want to see the joy of their grandchild opening their gift.

Constellationstation · 08/12/2021 22:46

This isn’t something I could get worked up about, as long as the child eventually receives the gift I don’t really see the problem.

Lineofconcepcion · 08/12/2021 22:50

We sent gifts from outside the UK to gd on birthdays and just things we saw she would like at other times. We didn't know whether these were received, so I'm afraid I stopped. It takes 10 seconds to text or email 'got the book/bag/voucher' . . .

Helendee · 08/12/2021 23:09

Do you take the children to see their grandparents often?
Maybe they are hoping they will get to see your dc if they have an incentive for you to visit?

JaninaDuszejko · 09/12/2021 06:47

It takes 10 seconds to text or email 'got the book/bag/voucher' . . .

But it takes a lot longer to get a reluctant 7 year old to write a proper thank-you letter.

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 09/12/2021 07:26

Helendee what an awful way to conduct affairs, luring dc with gifts! If they have to withhold gifts to force dc to go they have many more problems don't they!

Skyll · 09/12/2021 07:38

I would just let your DH deal with his side of the house. They do it differently to you.

I have never written a thoughtful message in a card. I just write “from skyll” 🤷🏼‍♀️ I have no idea where dc1s baby book is and by DC3 I don’t think they had one. If they did I never wrote in it much

Annabelll · 09/12/2021 11:30

DD has a birthday a few days before Christmas.

Every year my in laws give him his birthday present when we see them at Christmas whilst saying how hard it must be to have a birthday near Christmas because people give presents at the same time.

Why they don’t just bloody post it I don’t know (they are both retired and in good health and very wealthy so no reason they can’t get to a post office).

Sally872 · 09/12/2021 11:35

Did you invite them to celebrate birthday? I can't imagine not inviting grandparents over on/near birthday for tea and cake and to sing Happy Birthday.

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 09/12/2021 11:40

I have relatives who do this. some years we've seen them on Christmas Day, but they still hold back a few things to be received at their house on Boxing Day. It feels a little manipulative - we'd go round there anyway if that's what they want, presents or no presents. They are otherwise good people but this has always bothered me a tiny bit.

HolidayTime2021 · 09/12/2021 11:45

My children binned 21 years of cards in1 go recently. They had no interest in them and didn't natty take them to their own newly bought homes

Original poster
Fridaynight2021 · 09/12/2021 11:51

No we didn’t invite them because they live 5 hours away so we don’t have the luxury of them just popping in for a cup of tea. It has to be a several night visit, which is an issue in itself.

Like I said, I don’t keep years worth of cards. I have kept 1st birthday cards from meaningful people - close friends and immediate family. I don’t intend to keep 5th birthday cards from 20 school friends…

OP posts:
Original poster
Fridaynight2021 · 09/12/2021 11:55

They don’t see the GC as often as they’d like due to the fact it has to be overnight stays and the company is tense and difficult. We manage to see them every couple of months. Regardless, I don’t think presents or cards should be conditional on whether they see the GC or not. They do the same to DH. His 40th birthday passed with no card or present, and then months later he gets a cheque and a postcard. It just feels cold, yet there’s this constant pressure to be more involved in our lives.

OP posts:
Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 09/12/2021 11:58

Re the sentimental cards and pp poster dc binning them I've just thought, the special ones, probably from relatives no longer with us take a photo and incorporate them into photo books...

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 09/12/2021 11:59

Of course it's cold and bloody miserable not to make the effort to get a card for dh on his big bday.

How is your dh with them? Does he interact when they do stay?

DeepaBeesKit · 09/12/2021 11:59

My in laws do this and it drives me bonkers. Children don't understand getting given a birthday present weeks later/not at all.

MoreAloneTime · 09/12/2021 12:10

My in laws do this and I don't like it. I think if you can't be bothered to send a gift in a reasonable time frame then why bother at all. It's not difficult to order something online to be delivered or get it posted. It's just laziness.

TabbyM · 09/12/2021 12:18

Do you have my in-laws? No kids involved but never remember DH's birthday and still nothing from last Christmas despite us posting things to them (pre-lockdown so still access to shops and no problem ordering online )

Briony123 · 09/12/2021 16:53

It's presents in dribs and drabs and often not at all around here! Family members aren't some magical present machine, they want to GIVE the present TO the child. I remember some ancient aunt always posted a present when I was little. Dutifully opening a present from someone I didn't know, not exactly exciting for a child...

BluebellsGreenbells · 09/12/2021 17:00

Lots of people enjoy giving gifts rather than receiving, they enjoy the satisfaction of someone opening a gift and getting excited about it, which children generally do. I wouldn’t over think it OP

So a small child doesn’t receive a birthday gift on their birthday because some adult would rather enjoy the gift of giving? What about the disappointment that your own grandparents haven’t thought about you on your special day?

Beggars belief

Emerald5hamrock · 09/12/2021 17:00

Yanbu. This is a ransom demand.