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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that in-laws only give gifts when we see them

74 replies

Fridaynight2021 · 08/12/2021 16:07

There’s a history of manipulative behaviour and emotional blackmail from MIL so I’m not thinking very favourably on anything they do. But do tell me I’m an ungrateful ogre.

It was our DCs 1st birthday a few weeks ago and they sent nothing. No card, no present - nothing. Other family obviously sent at least a card with a thoughtful message in that I can keep for when they’re older. Previously they’ve done the same over Christmas and my other DC birthdays. Sometimes they bring a gift 3 months later, but only when we see them. I’m not bothered about the gifts, but if you’re getting someone a present then why wouldn’t you make that extra effort for it to be there on the actual occasion? They apply SO much pressure for us to visit them or them to see us, are so overbearing with the children when we do see them, desperately want a good relationship with them. Yet don’t think that sending a birthday card on the child’s birthday might be nice?

OP posts:

Original poster

Fridaynight2021 · 09/12/2021 17:07

@BluebellsGreenbells 100% my feeling

OP posts:

Vivi0 · 09/12/2021 18:25

Surely, the onus is on the gift giver to get the gift to the recipient within a reasonable time frame?

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 09/12/2021 18:55

Not when presents get elevated into tools of manipulation.

Practicebeingpatient · 09/12/2021 19:34

My ILs didn't often give birthday presents or cards or Christmas gifts either. Not to anyone. They grew up very poor and it just wasn't a thing for them. If they remembered a birthday they might give them cash (quite a lot of cash) but it was very rare. However they loved my DC who loved them back. DC just accepted that those GPs did things differently and never seemed bothered by it.

Children take their lead from their parents. If the children see it is an issue for you it might drive a wedge between the children and your IL. The IL might deserve that but your children don't.

HowBad · 09/12/2021 19:40

It really bothers me when people can't give the girls for the occasion. I tend to think they've forgotten and only remembered after so I associate it with people who aren't very organised. My in laws are so weird. Growing up DH and his siblings all had to sit in a circle and one could open a present and everyone else had to watch and then it was written down what they all got. No way that's happening here...

mrsm43s · 09/12/2021 20:01

You don't invite the grandparents to their grandchildren's birthday parties, but expect them to dispatch a gift promptly. Hmm. I think I can see where the problem lies...

Mostly, I do think that it would be nice to get the present there on time, but if I was specifically excluded from my grandchild's first birthday celebration because my son and DIL didn't want me to stay with them (were your family there by any chance OP?), I might feel a bit differently.

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 09/12/2021 20:03

Well in not sure if children deserve to be manipulated either.

There is a massive difference between folks who genuinely don't do presents and those that use them as weapons. It's very hard to describe if you have not experienced it.

Original poster

Fridaynight2021 · 09/12/2021 20:19

@mrsm43s many incorrect assumptions. If we were to invite GPs to every child’s birthday they would be coming to our house, a 5 hour journey each way, three times in the space of a month. We would have to host 5 people in our rather poky Victorian terrace, as we’d have to invite my family to stay too, as it seems that’s some sort of requirement for fairness in your world? As it is, we didn’t have a party. No, my family were not there.

But most importantly - even if we had a party and my family were there you would think it appropriate to not send a card or gift to a small child on their birthday, because of your own hurt at being left out? I find that pretty mean.

OP posts:

Kite22 · 09/12/2021 23:26

Lots of people enjoy giving gifts rather than receiving, they enjoy the satisfaction of someone opening a gift and getting excited about it, which children generally do. I wouldn’t over think it OP

This ^

So a small child doesn’t receive a birthday gift on their birthday because some adult would rather enjoy the gift of giving? What about the disappointment that your own grandparents haven’t thought about you on your special day?

Well, that disappointment isn't there unless the parents phrase it that way.
As a parent, I would be making it into a positive that, "as well as what you have had today, you are fortunate enough to have another celebration in a couple of weeks when we see Grannie... you never know, there might even be another present then"

My dc have always had birthday celebrations spread out a little...... on the day with us (usually around people going out to school / work / activities).... then on a close by weekend to suit everyone, we'd have Aunts / Uncles / Grandparents round for a sort of family birthday tea.... then, at school age we'd have a friends party at a different time - could easily be a month away from the actual day. People brought gifts to whichever celebration they were seeing them at. Perfectly normal in my world.

None of my dc were ever disappointed at the concept of having 3 birthdays each year. as to who would be.

Allsorts1 · 09/12/2021 23:30

YABU on the presents, I think you’re taking this one personally when it’s probably much more about their relationship with gift giving. Some people just aren’t that bothered by gifts and show their love in other ways.

BluebellsGreenbells · 10/12/2021 00:08

None of my dc were ever disappointed at the concept of having 3 birthdays each year

Nice if you can afford it, isn’t it?

I mean it’s not as if kids are entitled these days.

Some people believe they get one birthday a year -

How many christmases do your children cerebrate? What about Easter?

Kite22 · 10/12/2021 00:19

Nice if you can afford it, isn’t it?

How are you thinking it costs anymore, for Grandparents to give their present when they see their Grandchild, on a different day from their actual birthday, than it would for them to give it on the birthday ?? If they are spending £10 or £15, then the cost remains the same, whichever day the child receives it.

Re Christmas, we celebrate quite a lot, over about 3 weeks actually. Usually in Church when the nativity is held, then another service when a CArol service is held, then (when they were that age) in school when they did their nativity, then there is a lovely Carol Singing event outside here (outside of Covid times) which we go to, then there is Christmas day itself, then we usually get together with all the in-laws some time between Christmas and New Year, then we sometimes either host or get invited to Christmas drinks somewhere over Christmas with a couple of different groups, then there is the works 'do' and dh's works do, then many things the dc belong to have a Christmas party...... don't you ?

ChloeCrocodile · 10/12/2021 00:26

Gifts when you see the person is totally normal in my family - including extended family and my step-parents families. A card through the post is for people you aren’t buying a present for.

As for kids being disappointed - I don’t remember ever feeling that way, and I’ve never seen any sign of it in my relatives either. Probably because to us it’s normal. I’ve personally always been a fan of the “bonus presents” from people you don’t see until after your birthday.

Uninterested · 10/12/2021 00:52

YABU
MY parents (and my in-laws) used to do this and there isn’t a mean bone in their bodies. You are choosing to see it very negatively even though plenty of posters have said they don’t see the problem.
It’s much nicer to give presents in person especially with kids. I bet your kids would appreciate the presents more getting them in person.

You are saying they are controlling but surely you are being just as controlling by wanting to stipulate how they should give gifts.
Im sure your kids get plenty of presents and cards on their birthday and the only way they would know to feel like there was a problem would be for you to tell them there was.
My kids never cared that they got presents from my parents on a bit of an ad hoc basis.

You say your in laws would love to see your kids more so they clearly care for them. Isn’t that what matters.
Some famililies think presents and cards are important and a measure of how much you love someone and other families don’t.

Gwenhwyfar · 10/12/2021 21:48

"How are you thinking it costs anymore, for Grandparents to give their present when they see their Grandchild, on a different day from their actual birthday, than it would for them to give it on the birthday ?? confused If they are spending £10 or £15, then the cost remains the same, whichever day the child receives it."

The cost of posting and packaging. If a gift has to be given on a certain day rather than when you're seeing someone anyway, then there's the additional cost and time of sending through the post.

Kite22 · 10/12/2021 23:37

Well, that makes my thinking even more sensible then Gwenhwyfar

Bluebells was trying to suggest that it would be more expensive to spread the gift giving out until when you see them in person, and I was pointing out it wasn't. ..... if you are adding in the P&P, then it makes it cheaper to spread the child's birthday

BluebellsGreenbells · 11/12/2021 00:01

Bluebells was trying to suggest that it would be more expensive to spread the gift giving out until when you see them in person

No my point was that giving a child 3 birthday parties/gatherings is a lot of expense for most people. The rest of us get one birthday!! Kids don’t need extended birthdays.

Suzanne999 · 11/12/2021 00:04

My mother used to do the exact same thing. I reckoned it was because she needed the recognition, the immediate thanks. If she sent a gift in the post she didn’t get that.

Kite22 · 11/12/2021 00:23

No my point was that giving a child 3 birthday parties/gatherings is a lot of expense for most people

Well, in our house it is normal to give our dc their present(s) on the day of their birthday....and, as they get older, they get their gifts from siblings then too = celebration 1

Then I don't think we are unusual in having Grandparents round to tea now and then ? We just combined it so both sets there on the same day on a convenient weekend near their birthdays. Not exactly expensive to feed our own parents some sarnies and cake = celebration 2

Then, when mine were in Primary school it was normal to have a few friends from school round for a birthday tea. -unlike so many threads I read on here where people seem to think they have to invite the whole class to a hall and provide an entertainer-- . Again, never really cost more than some party food and something for inside the pass the parcel = celebration 3.
Two of my dc have birthdays in the holidays so we realised very early on, it made more sense to hold those in term time or many of their friends were away.

The rest of us get one birthday!! Kids don’t need extended birthdays

See note about birthdays being in the holidays.
In fact, whenever I have celebrated a big birthday, I have held it away from my actual birthday too, as mine is in holiday season and people I would like to be there are likely not to be able to come. When that has happened, I have still opened presents from my dc and my sister and my dh on the actual day. I'm not sure it is that strange not to put some sort of ban on having anything nice on any day other than the actual anniversary of birth. To me, a party is about spending time with the people you want to, so no point in hosting it if 1/2 of them can't come.

SnackSizeRaisin · 11/12/2021 04:43

No my point was that giving a child 3 birthday parties/gatherings is a lot of expense for most people. The rest of us get one birthday!! Kids don’t need extended birthdays

Not true, it is completely normal and not at all expensive. The only one that potentially costs money is the party for school friends. Lots of children have them so clearly not prohibitive. Grandma coming to visit 3 weeks latee doesn't increase the cost.

flippaflippa · 12/12/2023 08:08

AIBU to feel slighted that my in-laws only buy birthday gifts for my DP..?

ClangingDin · 12/12/2023 08:19

I think this is more about the crap behaviour of your in-laws in general. Like many threads on here, people focus their upset and anger on one relatively minor issue when the bigger picture shows more important problems in the relationship.

My parents forget cards all the time. But they adore their grandkids so it doesn’t matter. And they give gifts when they see them.

As an aside, I saved my kids’ birthday cards from us to them for their first 18 years. They couldn’t have been less interested in them as adults 😂

AliveAndSleeping · 12/12/2023 08:23

I love my nieces and nephews but I don't think I've ever sent presents or a card to their house for their birthday. Never struck me they might mind. I have always given them lots of presents when we meet. For a one year old the card is obviously for the parents so no indication of how much they value their grandchild and if there wasn't a backstory then I'd just think they don't realise how important this is to you.

VenusClapTrap · 12/12/2023 08:34

My in-laws never send anything either; when we visit they might produce something from the back of a cupboard and present it to my confused dc.
“What’s this for?”
”It’s your birthday present!”
“But it’s not my birthday? That was… three months ago?”

It always feels a bit like ‘oh yeah there was a birthday at some point; here’s the gift we owe.’ The celebration of the milestone is lost. They all do it though; PIL, BIL, SIL, so it must be cultural (mainland Europe). Or possibly to do with the cost of postage - they’re none of them hard up though.

I always send my nephews and nieces a present and card to arrive in time for the day, and I always have a little gripe about why can’t they do it for ours. Dh tells me to just not bother, but it’s important to me that kids get their birthday gift on their actual birthday. It’s not their fault their parents cba.

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