Just found out my dad threw away all of our school pictures

[Christmasbirdchristmasherd]

School pictures, cards we made, photos of us stuck in taken at school, our school work we saved over the years, postcards from my dead nans holidays sent to us cards, handprints, self portraits. the lot. All of it I wanted to take, put in folders to look through easily.
I wasn't allowed to take it though.
Now the whole lot has been binned. I feel sick. I know some people aren't sentimental but I am and my parents know it. Me and my siblings look through it fairly frequently. Every few years or so
I was looking for something specific, a little book I had made when I was a child about the romans because my son is learning about it now and I wanted to show him. Its in a dump somewhere after being saved for decades.

I don't understand if he wanted to free up space why not ask me to come and get it. I wanted to take it before so he knew I wanted it.
And we go through it all often enough for it to not be deemed junk.
I feel sick.

The hpuse is cluttered up with all kinds of shit but they want to make room by dumping all of my childhood treasures.
I wouldn't have minded if they were thrown at the time but they have been kept for years and I'm an adult now. I have asked for it and been denied but it has been thrown away without my knowledge and without giving me a chance to take it to my own house.

I actually feel like never talking to my dad again, he has form for this.
When nan died we spent a few weeks going through her things, again I was told I couldn't take the lot to sort at my house, and so half was dumped without me knowing. AGAIN, I had asked for it all, AGAIN I was refused, AGAIN it was dumped.

ps I know it sounds like it but I'm not actually a hoarder.

If your child had kept it for decades would you not just ask them if they wanted it before throwing it though? Even if you wouldn't have kept it when they originally brought it home, surely it's just common sense/decency to see if something not belonging to you wanted to be kept

The OP's dad would probably say that the OP had not "kept" it, she had left it when she moved out to clutter up their house and be looked at very very infrequently.

I feel so upset reading that my dad isn't the only one who has done this. Thankfully most of our photos are safe but a fair few have been ripped by my mum

That’s terrible, I’m so sorry. I’d be very angry about that.

My stepmother threw out all of our family photos when she married my dad, after my mum died. I was a baby and only know what my mum looked like as one aunt (her younger sister) was supposed to be her double. Yet there were young adult children (my older siblings) that she could have given them to.
I can see my stepmother wanted a clean slate but the in was not the only place for the memories, the other people in the photos would have loved them.
Apparently one pic was of me in my mother's arms soon after I was born, with her smiling at me. I would love to have seen it, as my stepmother was not affectionate towards me.
She kept a large pic of her deceased first husband on the bedroom, don't know why my dad didn't object.
So, @Christmasbirdchristmasherd you have my sympathy and commiserations.

@Skeumorph

He has form? Then he's not unsentimental or 'anti clutter' at all, he's nasty.

So yes I'd tell him you're done. Spiteful man, spiteful actions - there's no need to contact me again, thanks.

I'm sorry.

I also disagree with this interpretation. Yes the Dad might be a right piece of work. But perhaps more likely he is the sort of practical person who cannot see why on earth anyone would want decades old school work or drawings from their childhood. It's not that he's actively thought "Aha, I'll show her, I'll chuck ALL of her schoolwork just to be mean and horrid", it's that he's come across a massive pile of stuff he perceives as clutter, junk, rubbish.

Thoughtless perhaps. Spiteful probably not. Same goes with clearing grandparents' house - who knows what was going on, he didn't want to transport a load of what he perceived as junk to OP's house for her to deal with, or wait to complete the house clearance until she got round to it.

Jumping to NC is classic MN, but batshit.

@lunar1

It's an awful feeling isn't it. My mum threw everything of mine and my brothers away because she didn't want to be reminded of my dad. There literally isn't a single picture of us from that time in existence, not even a baby photo.

I don't blame you for being angry at all.

Woah. That's really, really weird.

It’s horrible, isn’t it? There were barely any photos of me as a child anyway, but my mother threw away every single one of them in one of her rages.
Your dad is a mystery though, why did he keep it all in the first place if he was just going to throw it all away when you asked for it?
That seems particularly cruel. I would go NC/LC with him.
How did you find out he threw it all away?

Bloody hell, that's an awful thing to do. What goes through people's minds when they do something like that?

And it does seem to be men who do this... Nasty.

My mother did this to me and it was so abusive. I have a few random things I have gleaned over time, and they are so precious. I am so sorry this happened to you. It is so awful.

I'm so sorry @Christmasbirdchristmasherd My dad did the same. I never forgave him and it seriously affected our relationship. He had kept photos of himself but thrown away ones of me.

What did he say when you discovered it? Did you challenge him on it?

Your father sounds absolutely awful, and your mother is no better to have allowed it or at least not tip you off.

I can only imagine how upsetting this is.

If you need a excuse to avoid your father, this is just the one to use.

What a horrible thing to do.

So nasty.

Sorry OP.

That's really quite deliberately cruel imo.
You actually asked for the items in the past and have never been allowed to have them, for what reason? Then he throws them away. Knowing you wanted them.
It's hard to interpret that as anything other than a fuck you.

That's shit.

My mum used to go into my room and throw my things out, even as a teenager. I had a first edition Batman comic in a plastic folder that I was saving to sell in the future once I'd had it properly valued. My mum threw it out.
I had a side table that I'd up-cycled myself (before up-cycling was a thing) I was really proud of it. She threw it out.
She would read my letters etc.

I still feel so resentful towards her and I'm determined not to do the same to my sons.

OP That is SO sad. Why on earth would he do that? It is so thoughtless as to be cruel, or was it deliberate? I would tell him how upset you are, see what his reaction is, and depending on whether he can relate to your feelings or not, lower contact with him in future.

When I die my children are going to have a hell of a job to do, sorting out my house!

The loft has boxes and boxes of stuff from their childhood: their first shoes, favourite baby clothes, toys, books, school work etc.

There's also all the stuff that I've kept from my own childhood and teens: dolls, books, school reports, the dress I wore to the college ball when I was 17, my wedding veil etc

Then there are hundreds of photos of the family, dating back to the late 19th century; files full of birth, marriage and death certificates; census records and family trees.

I keep trying to go through it all and sort it out, but barely make an impression on it.

My grandad did this and my mum and aunt never really forgave him before he died. We suspect it was to appease his new wife.

I also disagree with this interpretation. Yes the Dad might be a right piece of work. But perhaps more likely he is the sort of practical person who cannot see why on earth anyone would want decades old school work or drawings from their childhood.

Did you miss the bits where the OP said her parents know that she's sentimental about this kind of stuff, that she and her sister often looked through these old things, and that he knew she wanted to take it because she had said so in the past? So it was clearly deliberate and nasty. The OP says her parents have form for this kind of behaviour. Not sure how anyone could read her posts and not see that tbh.

@MLMshouldbeillegal but he knew she wanted it

"All of it I wanted to take, put in folders to look through easily.
I wasn't allowed to take it though"

It feels spiteful to get rid of it, she wasn't allowed to take it so it had to be kept at his house, that is what he wanted but not what the OP wanted.

hat she and her sister often looked through these old things,

every few years isn't often.

@lunar1

It's an awful feeling isn't it. My mum threw everything of mine and my brothers away because she didn't want to be reminded of my dad. There literally isn't a single picture of us from that time in existence, not even a baby photo.

I don't blame you for being angry at all.

Woah. That’s such a weird thing to do.

every few years isn't often

Fine. But he knew damn well the OP did not see this stuff as junk and clutter. And she had asked to take it before! So why are you suggesting he got rid of it because he thought of it as junk and clutter that nobody would want?

I'm so sorry, OP. Can you possibly get some copies of the photos from your school friends? I know that won't be all of them, but at least you'd have something.
My mother once said to me "Do you want that black suitcase? I was going to throw it out." My wedding dress was in it. The wedding dress that l made myself. I'd have been devastated if she'd binned that.

Not much to offer here but sympathy. I am wondering if your old school has say, a Facebook page?
My old school has quite a nice album section with regular updates from ex pupils.
Is this something you could look for?

He should have asked you if you wanted to collect things, not just dumped them.
My parents did the same with everything I had from childhood.