To hate it when DH is 'ill'

[UniqueUsernamePending]

Dh has a headache at the moment and as such, has taken the last two days off of work.
Not to sound too unsympathetic, but I don’t believe this ‘headache’ is even half as bad as he’s making it out to be, as he’s somehow still able to watch videos on his phone on full volume with the brightness all the way up, he stayed up til almost midnight with me last night watching things on Netflix, cracking jokes and laughing away, he went to the shops yesterday evening to get bread so that he could make himself a sandwich (two hours after he’d had dinner ).

However, throughout the day yesterday he stayed in bed, and today will no doubt be the same as he’s just gone back up to bed.

We have three DC’s - a nearly 5 year old, 3 year old, 2 year old and I’m the stay at home parent. I currently have the winter cold that’s making it’s rounds (not Covid, just general winter lurgy), I’ve had diarrhoea for the last two days plus I’m on my period - I suffer with horrendously heavy periods that cripple my back and make me feel nauseous and faint, yet I’m still doing the school runs, the shopping, doing all of the housework and looking after our other two DC’s throughout the day, while DH is moping around in his dressing gown and the same pjs he’s had on since Sunday.

It’s the same story whenever DH is even slightly ill. He’ll spend days in bed, leaving me to deal with the DC’s and the house no matter how I may be feeling. But when I’m ill, I just have to get on with it, I have no choice.

I can count on one hand how many times he’s taken the day off of work to look after the DC’s whilst I’ve been ill during the almost 5 years we’ve been parents. Whereas I’d have to grow an extra 4 pairs of hands to count how many times he’s been off work for his ‘illnesses’.

And before people come at me and tell me I’m a martyr for doing things when I’m ill - things still have to get done! Dc needs to go to school, dishes need to be washed, laundry needs to be done, dinners need to be made, other DC’s need to be taken care of. If DH won’t take time off when I’m ill, it’s not as though I can just wipe my hands of my responsibilities and not do them.

AIBU for being annoyed that even slight headaches/sniffles etc are reason enough for DH to stay in bed all day and avoid housework and childcare?

My bf is the opposite. When he is sick he will over dramatically starts doing chores that don't need to be done while he is making illness noises. I think the purpose is to either get me to tell him to go to have a rest or prove how much he does around the house. It's very funny.

My husband is also unfailingly dramatic about being ill/injured, a paper cut can have him asking me when his last tetanus jab was I don't fucking know, we've been together 20 years and he's never had one during that time

However, his unfailing drama does extend to the children and I too. If I'm looking off colour his concern starts and if I'm visibly not well I'm shunted to the bedroom with strict instructions to not emerge unnecessarily. It can be a little suffocating but he keeps the wheels turning whilst exiling me to bed and the rest is always welcome!

Your problem isn't the dramatically ill husband, your problem is that he doesn't really give a shit about you, or at least if he does it's well hidden and until you resolve that you're just going to build resentment until you can't stand the sight of him.

My Dh has what l call his ‘Sunday Virus’

He always moans he’s unwell and tired in Sunday’s and ‘coming down with something’

He never does🤷🏼‍♀️

I used to keep a record of it on my phone when he tried to deny it.

@WeeFae

Same! My DH is off today with a "cold" - while I am suffering quite horrible side effects from my chemotherapy! Guess which one of us is up to make sure DS went off to school? Guess who made the cup of tea this morning?

That's actually really shocking.

This really needs kicking into touch.

@Drivingish

My DH used to be the "centre of attention poorly" type, to be fair it was one of his very few failings, not reflective of him being a general dick.

I tried fighting it for ages, telling him he should do more, especially as I'm the "drag yourself across to the washing machine with 2 broken legs" type but if anything it made him worse.

What cracked it did me was realising somehow it was trained into him (by his mother unfortunately) and he 100% couldn't see it. So I leant into it instead of fighting it, became the most concerned wife ever, worked a treat

"Oh, you want some takeaway? Best not darling, remember how you were in bed all evening with your stomach a couple of weeks ago? I'll have some though, my stomach's far more solid"
"Go out to the pub? Best not risk it, you've been picking up every cold going lately! I can go out with the girls instead, I haven't caught anything for months, amazing!"
"You should go and peg the washing out and do the gardening, I was going to but you need as much fresh air as possible with those headaches you've been having."

Strangely he's far more hardy now!

Genius.

OP, next time he wants sex, say, 'Oh no darling, I wouldn't want to trigger another "migraine"...' complete with finger air quotes

It's really not funny though. to you and @WeeFae

Disclaimer: Not all men, bla bla bla.

But, there are SO, SO many threads like this and multiple comments on said threads of men like this.

It’s shocking.
Why do they behave like that?
What has made it okey for them to think this is okey?

@authenticforgery sorry I’m not a man hating woman, happy to join in slating everyone’s partners. I’m genuinely sorry that people feel their husbands are useless, but there’s no harm in some perspective. Not everyone’s husbands behave in this way, as others have said. We don’t all have to agree with the poster or agree our husbands are pathetic. Mine is a top banana and I’d never say otherwise just to placate someone else.

I want to nip round WeeFae's house, tuck her up in bed with Netflix/a good book and any goodies she fancies. Then go downstairs and kick her husband's bottom.

Found this gem of a thread from 4 years ago!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3016699-Poorly-man-shuffle

Just got back from the school run - woke up DH before I left as I sure as shit wasn't dragging my other two DC's out in the rain and blistering wind (I don't drive so it's a 20 minute walk in whatever lovely British weather is being thrown at us each day!).

I'd left the kitchen in a mess, and by mess I mean, I hadn't done the washing up today or sorted out the rubbish.

I very much expected to come home soggy, freezing and annoyed to a still messy kitchen, but miraculously, it's been cleaned! Without me having to ask!!! It's an early Xmas miracle.

He must have realised you were (rightfully) pissed off!

Keep it up, tell him what’s happening, don’t ask. He needs to do half (or more) as you’re both at home and both sick.

‘Helping’ sometimes is part of the behaviour. Pathetic.

I’m really shocked by a lot of the behaviour on this thread!

Dh and I have a child with disabilities. I have multiple disabilities myself including one which leaves me in chronic pain. Pain every single day. Both of us wouldn’t dream of going to bed with a cold or similar illness! Just wouldn’t happen unless we were so completely incapacitated we literally couldn’t get out of bed - never happened in 15 years of marriage. If one of us is unwell we muddle through together. I was married to someone a lot like the dhs here before and it literally drove me to the brink. So selfish!

I'm reading these stories and feeling blessed not to be married to an absolute snowflake. Mine is in bed very occasionally with a blinding migraine, but if its anything other than that I have to force him to stay in bed.

Do grown men really go to bed for days at a time ? Genuinely?
I've been with dh for 25 years and he has never so much as been poorly really . Same as me .