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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate it when DH is 'ill'

90 replies

UniqueUsernamePending · 07/12/2021 10:04

Dh has a headache at the moment and as such, has taken the last two days off of work.
Not to sound too unsympathetic, but I don’t believe this ‘headache’ is even half as bad as he’s making it out to be, as he’s somehow still able to watch videos on his phone on full volume with the brightness all the way up, he stayed up til almost midnight with me last night watching things on Netflix, cracking jokes and laughing away, he went to the shops yesterday evening to get bread so that he could make himself a sandwich (two hours after he’d had dinner Hmm).

However, throughout the day yesterday he stayed in bed, and today will no doubt be the same as he’s just gone back up to bed.

We have three DC’s - a nearly 5 year old, 3 year old, 2 year old and I’m the stay at home parent. I currently have the winter cold that’s making it’s rounds (not Covid, just general winter lurgy), I’ve had diarrhoea for the last two days plus I’m on my period - I suffer with horrendously heavy periods that cripple my back and make me feel nauseous and faint, yet I’m still doing the school runs, the shopping, doing all of the housework and looking after our other two DC’s throughout the day, while DH is moping around in his dressing gown and the same pjs he’s had on since Sunday.

It’s the same story whenever DH is even slightly ill. He’ll spend days in bed, leaving me to deal with the DC’s and the house no matter how I may be feeling. But when I’m ill, I just have to get on with it, I have no choice.

I can count on one hand how many times he’s taken the day off of work to look after the DC’s whilst I’ve been ill during the almost 5 years we’ve been parents. Whereas I’d have to grow an extra 4 pairs of hands to count how many times he’s been off work for his ‘illnesses’.

And before people come at me and tell me I’m a martyr for doing things when I’m ill - things still have to get done! Dc needs to go to school, dishes need to be washed, laundry needs to be done, dinners need to be made, other DC’s need to be taken care of. If DH won’t take time off when I’m ill, it’s not as though I can just wipe my hands of my responsibilities and not do them.

AIBU for being annoyed that even slight headaches/sniffles etc are reason enough for DH to stay in bed all day and avoid housework and childcare?

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 07/12/2021 11:20

tell him to take a couple of paracetamol and do the school run whilst you take care of whatever in the house.

Keep giving him jobs, if he can go get bread he can do school runs.

I would not put up with anyone who behaves like this. I would start telling him to do xyz whilst you do abc. Unless his arms and legs have dropped off, then he can carry things in his mouth.

authenticforgery · 07/12/2021 11:25

@EmmaWoodhousestreehouse

Makes me grateful for my husband who is the complete opposite. I feel for you all 💐
Good for you Smile I'm particularly sure the poster with cancer feels better from your contribution Flowers
Weatherwax13 · 07/12/2021 11:29

@WeeFae that's appalling. I wish you all the very best with your treatment Flowers
As for your husband. That's about the most upsetting thing I've read on here today

LaplandLucy · 07/12/2021 11:31

@authenticforgery it’s a more useful contribution than everyone saying ‘oh useless men’ like there’s literally nothing these women can do about their crap husbands except put up with them. That’s not true. They shouldn’t put up with being treated like that.

Duchess379 · 07/12/2021 11:35

@WeeFae

Same! My DH is off today with a "cold" - while I am suffering quite horrible side effects from my chemotherapy! Guess which one of us is up to make sure DS went off to school? Guess who made the cup of tea this morning?

I'm sorry love, your husband is a twat! I hope the chemo is going well. 💕💕

PinkAndPurpleClouds · 07/12/2021 11:37

YANBU @UniqueUsernamePending Men do love to lay it on when they get any remotely tiny sniffle or whatever...Gets them out of family duties and commitments. Imagine if women/mums got as 'ill' as men do; there would be no-one to look after the children. Hmm

Warning: he will get worse. Once he gets past 50 years old, he will moan non-stop, and develop every ailment under the sun. Not a day will go by without him moaning about his 'health issues.' Be prepared.

PinkAndPurpleClouds · 07/12/2021 11:41

@LuluBlakey1

The infamous 'Dressing-Gown of Doom'.

And the 'poorly-man-shuffle.' Grin

EasyBreezy · 07/12/2021 11:42

Ahh this makes me remember the bad old days of being married, even though we both worked on the rare occasion i got so ill i had to take to my bed, i still had to do the nursery run/dinner. Of course i still have to do this now, but without an annoying knob in the background adding no value to my life.

JoshuasLemonGrove · 07/12/2021 11:45

@WeeFae That was sickening to read. I am so sorry that your husband is not falling over himself to make sure you and your family are taken care of. My MIL once said to me if FIL tells one more person he has done some housework whilst she was mid chemo treatment she was going to end him. Like he wanted some fucking medal.

It is really sad to read all of these. My Dh is completely the opposite, has taken time off work or worked from home a decade before Covid happened to be able to do a school run. I am a sahm with a disability so occasionally I am unable to be there for the children but he certainly is.

Cups of tea in bed, lie in one day every weekend where he got up with the children when they were little. Still clears the ice of my car windscreen as I am too short to reach the middle without standing inside the car. We have been married 22 years.

And no OP, if he had a headache and he can watch Netflix he could go to work, if he was really ill he wouldn't be enjoying himself but instead trying to sleep in the hope it goes away.

TheDogsMother · 07/12/2021 11:47

@WeeFae I'm so sorry. That's awful Flowers

I had one of the competitive illness types. Full dressing gown of doom, moaning and groaning, no one ever got it as badly as him. God it used to drive me nuts. He was still well enough to be on PlayStation all day and make frequent trips to the fridge for food. One of many reasons why he's an Ex now.

PinkAndPurpleClouds · 07/12/2021 11:50

@WeeFae Flowers

PinkAndPurpleClouds · 07/12/2021 11:52

@authenticforgery

Yup I hear you too. DH is nauseous today and shuffling around groaning and moaning and is phoning in sick. I struggle to feel sympathy after spending pretty much 40 weeks nauseous and vomiting while carrying his children and cracking on with daily life. Lack of resilience frustrates me.
This (and the numerous stories on here) seems to be quite common in husbands on here - including mine, and those of some women I know. Seems to be common in men born after the mid 1950s.

My dad (born in the 1930s, and his dad before him (born in the 1910s and who fought in the second world war,) NEVER behaved like this.

They were hard working, proud men, who worked their arses off for 50 years to support their family, and you could count on the fingers of one hand the amount of days they had off sick in that time.

DH (and loads of men I know) seem to have one to two weeks off a year sick. Sometimes more, and seem to be 'ill' a lot more.

WTF has happened to MEN?! Confused

authenticforgery · 07/12/2021 11:53

[quote LaplandLucy]@authenticforgery it’s a more useful contribution than everyone saying ‘oh useless men’ like there’s literally nothing these women can do about their crap husbands except put up with them. That’s not true. They shouldn’t put up with being treated like that.[/quote]
It's not useful at all. It's just faux sympathy and wildly inappropriate.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/12/2021 11:55

Exactly what my exh was like. Just one more brick of resentment in the wall that led to our divorce

Fatgalslim · 07/12/2021 11:55

@WeeFae

Same! My DH is off today with a "cold" - while I am suffering quite horrible side effects from my chemotherapy! Guess which one of us is up to make sure DS went off to school? Guess who made the cup of tea this morning?
Fucking hell, just when I thought I'd seen everything on here, that is absolutely awful. I'm so sorry Flowers
Fatgalslim · 07/12/2021 11:58

@authenticforgery, stop being mean, @EmmaWoodhousestreehouse wasn't gloating or minimising the OP, just saying she has a good 'un and that's nice to hear. I also have a good 'un and I know we're very lucky judging by some of the blokes on here.

To you all Flowers

authenticforgery · 07/12/2021 11:59

@PinkAndPurpleClouds absolutely agree! My dad was born in 1959 but is ex military so this kind of shit is just not acceptable to him. Never known him to spend a day in bed. Its almost more frustrating that DH is very competent in other areas of life. Why can't some people just take a paracetamol and crack on?!

authenticforgery · 07/12/2021 12:00

[quote Fatgalslim]**@authenticforgery, stop being mean, @EmmaWoodhousestreehouse wasn't gloating or minimising the OP, just saying she has a good 'un and that's nice to hear. I also have a good 'un and I know we're very lucky judging by some of the blokes on here.

To you all Flowers[/quote]
No I won't and no she wasn't. I utterly reject the casual victim blaming of "well why do you put up with it?" as if everyone can just divorce their husbands because they're shit when ill. Kindly, fuck off with that.

LaplandLucy · 07/12/2021 12:02

@authenticforgery sounds more like it hit a nerve with you to hear not all men are useless when ill like your DH is. I’m sorry but it’s the truth. It’s not the norm to have a useless whinging DH.

authenticforgery · 07/12/2021 12:04

[quote LaplandLucy]@authenticforgery sounds more like it hit a nerve with you to hear not all men are useless when ill like your DH is. I’m sorry but it’s the truth. It’s not the norm to have a useless whinging DH.[/quote]
😂 no it hit a nerve that someone dealing with the shit that comes with chemo would have had to read "aww bless, my husband is lovely!!" That's a shit thing to say but you stick up for it if you like.

LaplandLucy · 07/12/2021 12:12

@authenticforgery we will have to agree to disagree. I think it’s better to say there are men out there who aren’t useless rather than making women think this is the norm and something they have to just get on with. Maybe it’ll help that poster leave her horrible husband and be much happier.

GingerbreadVanMan · 07/12/2021 12:20

Same here op, I tend to put up with it at first and then end up saying something because I’ve had enough. Of course then I get the “you always start an argument with me when I’m ill” Hmm

Fatgalslim · 07/12/2021 12:24

@authenticforgery kindly fuck off with your shit, it isn't mine or @EmmaWoodhousestreehouse fault that your partner is useless

Fatgalslim · 07/12/2021 12:24

[quote LaplandLucy]@authenticforgery we will have to agree to disagree. I think it’s better to say there are men out there who aren’t useless rather than making women think this is the norm and something they have to just get on with. Maybe it’ll help that poster leave her horrible husband and be much happier.[/quote]
Agreed

CaputApriDefero · 07/12/2021 12:30

My husband is Very Poorly every time he even has a sniffle. Thinks it gives him license to be snappy and unreasonable. It does not. However, when I'm ill, I have to be instructed by a doctor to rest before he'll be supportive over it

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