Page 3 | To hate it when DH is 'ill'

UniqueUsernamePending · 2021-12-07T10:04:04+00:00

Dh has a headache at the moment and as such, has taken the last two days off of work. Not to sound too unsympathetic, but I don’t believe this ‘headache’ is even half as bad as he’s making it out to be, as he’s somehow still able to watch videos on his phone on full volume with the brightness all the way up, he stayed up til almost midnight with me last night watching things on Netflix, cracking jokes and laughing away, he went to the shops yesterday evening to get bread so that he could make himself a sandwich (two hours after he’d had dinner [hmm]). However, throughout the day yesterday he stayed in bed, and today will no doubt be the same as he’s just gone back up to bed. We have three DC’s - a nearly 5 year old, 3 year old, 2 year old and I’m the stay at home parent. I currently have the winter cold that’s making it’s rounds (not Covid, just general winter lurgy), I’ve had diarrhoea for the last two days plus I’m on my period - I suffer with horrendously heavy periods that cripple my back and make me feel nauseous and faint, yet I’m still doing the school runs, the shopping, doing all of the housework and looking after our other two DC’s throughout the day, while DH is moping around in his dressing gown and the same pjs he’s had on since Sunday. It’s the same story whenever DH is even slightly ill. He’ll spend days in bed, leaving me to deal with the DC’s and the house no matter how I may be feeling. But when I’m ill, I just have to get on with it, I have no choice. I can count on one hand how many times he’s taken the day off of work to look after the DC’s whilst I’ve been ill during the almost 5 years we’ve been parents. Whereas I’d have to grow an extra 4 pairs of hands to count how many times he’s been off work for his ‘illnesses’. And before people come at me and tell me I’m a martyr for doing things when I’m ill - things still have to get done! Dc needs to go to school, dishes need to be washed, laundry needs to be done, dinners need to be made, other DC’s need to be taken care of. If DH won’t take time off when I’m ill, it’s not as though I can just wipe my hands of my responsibilities and not do them. AIBU for being annoyed that even slight headaches/sniffles etc are reason enough for DH to stay in bed all day and avoid housework and childcare?

gamerchick · 07/12/2021 12:32

[quote PinkAndPurpleClouds]@LuluBlakey1

The infamous 'Dressing-Gown of Doom'.

And the 'poorly-man-shuffle.' [/quote]
And the poky tounge cough.

I actually pointed all this shit out when husband tried it on. It's a running commentary. "Oooo the dressing gown of doom?" 'Do the cough' and I'll demonstrate the cough. Then comes the shuffly slippers. He doesn't try it on now.

If he's ill enough to stay off work then I know he's ill.

OP tell him to get his arse out of bed and help or you'll be depositing kids in the bedroom. If he was at work then yes you would. But he isn't, so he can get his arse up.

JustDanceAddict · 07/12/2021 12:38

Lol at dressing gown of doom.
I am lucky as DH is rarely ill and when he is he takes to his bed (we are talking flu or similar here) and just sleeps!
He’s good when I’m ill and will step up to the mark. If we’re both coldy we will dose up and get on with it as much as poss.

Sometimeswinning · 07/12/2021 12:42

I hate the phrase 'I have a good 'un' Saying that your dh doesn't take advantage of the mother of his children isn't being a good 'un'

My Dh took a rare day off work with a cold and pointed out to me it wasn't a jolly and he'd need bedrest! A quick chat later and he realised he was being a twat.

HyacynthBucket · 07/12/2021 12:44

WeeFae That is absolutely appalling. Just say No, and take to your bed as necessary. Don't do things that he can do them instead. Look after yourself. Let him know he has to step up and take care of you and his children. What kind of "men" are these on here who treat women like workhorses to be flogged till they drop. They seem to be in denial that there is anything wrong physically with their DP as it may inconvenience them slightly.
Hope you feel really better soon.WeeFae.

Sparklfairy · 07/12/2021 12:45

Reminds me of my dad. He used to work away and my DM was home with 3 kids under 6. We got the most awful flu and it floored all of us, he never bothered to check in so had no idea.

Walked in the house and started moaning hed had the most terrible flu and in bed for days with it. DM said yes we've all had it too, and quick as a flash he says "oh but you didn't have it as bad as ME".

Like how would you know, you didn't call once the whole time you were away, and pretty sure looking after 3 kids who all had it while being ill with it yourself is definitely worse than you moping alone with it. Ugh.

Drivingish · 07/12/2021 12:46

My DH used to be the "centre of attention poorly" type, to be fair it was one of his very few failings, not reflective of him being a general dick.

I tried fighting it for ages, telling him he should do more, especially as I'm the "drag yourself across to the washing machine with 2 broken legs" type but if anything it made him worse.

What cracked it did me was realising somehow it was trained into him (by his mother unfortunately) and he 100% couldn't see it. So I leant into it instead of fighting it, became the most concerned wife ever, worked a treat

"Oh, you want some takeaway? Best not darling, remember how you were in bed all evening with your stomach a couple of weeks ago? I'll have some though, my stomach's far more solid"
"Go out to the pub? Best not risk it, you've been picking up every cold going lately! I can go out with the girls instead, I haven't caught anything for months, amazing!"
"You should go and peg the washing out and do the gardening, I was going to but you need as much fresh air as possible with those headaches you've been having."

Strangely he's far more hardy now!

Dozer · 07/12/2021 12:47

Shit parenting, shit way to treat you and if he often takes sick leave for v minor ailments it’ll put him in a bad light with his employer, at best, which is a risk when he’s the sole earner at present.

peaceanddove · 07/12/2021 12:47

weefaes I am livid on your behalf. I had a cancer diagnosis nearly 2 years ago, I didn't need chemo but the surgery and radiotherapy wiped me out for weeks.

FellaItzgerald · 07/12/2021 12:47

@EasyBreezy

Ahh this makes me remember the bad old days of being married, even though we both worked on the rare occasion i got so ill i had to take to my bed, i still had to do the nursery run/dinner. Of course i still have to do this now, but without an annoying knob in the background adding no value to my life.

TheRigatonini · 07/12/2021 12:48

@WeeFae

Same! My DH is off today with a "cold" - while I am suffering quite horrible side effects from my chemotherapy! Guess which one of us is up to make sure DS went off to school? Guess who made the cup of tea this morning?

TheRigatonini · 07/12/2021 12:49

@Drivingish

My DH used to be the "centre of attention poorly" type, to be fair it was one of his very few failings, not reflective of him being a general dick.

I tried fighting it for ages, telling him he should do more, especially as I'm the "drag yourself across to the washing machine with 2 broken legs" type but if anything it made him worse.

What cracked it did me was realising somehow it was trained into him (by his mother unfortunately) and he 100% couldn't see it. So I leant into it instead of fighting it, became the most concerned wife ever, worked a treat

"Oh, you want some takeaway? Best not darling, remember how you were in bed all evening with your stomach a couple of weeks ago? I'll have some though, my stomach's far more solid"
"Go out to the pub? Best not risk it, you've been picking up every cold going lately! I can go out with the girls instead, I haven't caught anything for months, amazing!"
"You should go and peg the washing out and do the gardening, I was going to but you need as much fresh air as possible with those headaches you've been having."

Strangely he's far more hardy now!

😂😂😂

HollaHolla · 07/12/2021 12:51

Just to say - are you sure it's not stress/mental health related? I know that when I was struggling at the start of the year, I certainly had a number of stress-induced migraines, and that I would start to feel better - then, have the dreads about going back to work... So although it's not 'swinging the lead' or anything, it's genuine physiological manifestation of psychological stresses.
Alternatively, he's a malingerer! grin

tangyandsalty · 07/12/2021 12:53

Wtf? Who spends the day in bed with a bloody headache? Chuck some paracetamol his way and pull the duvet off him.

MyComputerGetsSadWithoutMe · 07/12/2021 13:04

Yeh me and DP are both ill at the moment but obviously he is 'worse'

HereticFanjo · 07/12/2021 13:12

@WeeFae

Same! My DH is off today with a "cold" - while I am suffering quite horrible side effects from my chemotherapy! Guess which one of us is up to make sure DS went off to school? Guess who made the cup of tea this morning?

Your husband is a total prick.

Platax · 07/12/2021 13:16

If he regularly takes two days off work for things like a mild headache, I would have thought there will come a time when they start issuing formal warnings.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/12/2021 13:27

Grnersllly my Dh is good.

But l remember norovirus sweeping through our house on Boxing Day years ago.

4 of us really ill. But Dh was too ill to look after dc.

So was I

Bluesheep8 · 07/12/2021 13:27

Same! My DH is off today with a "cold" - while I am suffering quite horrible side effects from my chemotherapy! Guess which one of us is up to make sure DS went off to school? Guess who made the cup of tea this morning?

There are just no words.

Original poster

UniqueUsernamePending · 07/12/2021 13:31

@HollaHolla

Just to say - are you sure it's not stress/mental health related? I know that when I was struggling at the start of the year, I certainly had a number of stress-induced migraines, and that I would start to feel better - then, have the dreads about going back to work... So although it's not 'swinging the lead' or anything, it's genuine physiological manifestation of psychological stresses. Alternatively, he's a malingerer! grin

He does get migraines, several a year in fact and he woke up yesterday morning claiming that it's a migraine he's experiencing at present. It isn't. It's a headache at best.

Every single time he has a migraine he's unable to look at his phone as the screen hurts his eyes, he's barely able to eat or drink, can hardly talk through the pain, looks generally really unwell.

This time, as stated in my original post, he's watching things on full blast on his phone, binge watched a show with me until late last night, was snacking, took a trip to the shop as he fancied a post dinner sandwich!

There's no way he has a migraine, I can just tell.
When he gets genuine 3 day long migraines it's awful to see the condition he's in and I do take honest pity on him when he's in those states.

But he's literally just milking this because he knows whether he's here or not, its still me doing all the childcare and housework.

OP posts:

EllieSattler · 07/12/2021 13:36

@KeepYaHeadUp

Same! My DH is off today with a "cold" - while I am suffering quite horrible side effects from my chemotherapy! Guess which one of us is up to make sure DS went off to school? Guess who made the cup of tea this morning?

That's fucking outrageous, frankly

billy1966 · 07/12/2021 14:06

God love you.

3 children with a waster.

I don't know how women like you can look at a man so selfish.

I certainly wouldn't want to be financially dependent on someone so selfish.

3 children under 5 is really full on, and to never be able to be sick because he doesn't have your back?

How on earth do you have sex with him🤢

PinkAndPurpleClouds · 07/12/2021 14:08

@authenticforgery

@PinkAndPurpleClouds absolutely agree! My dad was born in 1959 but is ex military so this kind of shit is just not acceptable to him. Never known him to spend a day in bed. Its almost more frustrating that DH is very competent in other areas of life. Why can't some people just take a paracetamol and crack on?!

I know right! I think for some men, it's to get away from 'family duties...' As I said, imagine if the woman/mum was the same. The kids would be screwed!

PinkAndPurpleClouds · 07/12/2021 14:10

@MyComputerGetsSadWithoutMe

Yeh me and DP are both ill at the moment but obviously he is 'worse'

Aren't they always?! Anything and everything I have, DH has it worse! Or has something else that is far worse,

Pixiedust138 · 07/12/2021 14:11

I'm exactly the same as you. DH's sick days consist of playing Xbox on the sofa all day in his pants. Winds me up.

PinkAndPurpleClouds · 07/12/2021 14:12

@Drivingish

My DH used to be the "centre of attention poorly" type, to be fair it was one of his very few failings, not reflective of him being a general dick.

I tried fighting it for ages, telling him he should do more, especially as I'm the "drag yourself across to the washing machine with 2 broken legs" type but if anything it made him worse.

What cracked it did me was realising somehow it was trained into him (by his mother unfortunately) and he 100% couldn't see it. So I leant into it instead of fighting it, became the most concerned wife ever, worked a treat

"Oh, you want some takeaway? Best not darling, remember how you were in bed all evening with your stomach a couple of weeks ago? I'll have some though, my stomach's far more solid"
"Go out to the pub? Best not risk it, you've been picking up every cold going lately! I can go out with the girls instead, I haven't caught anything for months, amazing!"
"You should go and peg the washing out and do the gardening, I was going to but you need as much fresh air as possible with those headaches you've been having."

Strangely he's far more hardy now!

FAB!

I did something similar to my DH last July. He was moaning about his 6th or 7th ailment of the year, and was like 'ooooh I have such bad cramps in my gut. I am worried it may be something seriously bad. It hurts when I pee too.'

I thought FFS! SO I frogmarched him to A & E. 'No I will be fine!' he pleaded. I said sternly 'You are GOINGTO A & E! You have internal pains, and it hurts when you pee. It could be something serious according to you!' I called his bluff and forced him to go, and although he grumbled, he had made a rod for his own back by stating 'it could be something serious!'

I drove him to A & E, and unfortunately because of COVID I was not allowed in with him. So I said 'see ya later. Text me when you're ready to be picked up!' SEVEN HOURS he was in there. (While I had seven hours of peace.) Oh and guess what? there was NOTHING wrong with him. NOTHING.

He had scans and blood tests and X rays, and tests on his heart, liver, pancreas, and gall bladder etc, and even had a prostate exam. NOTHING wrong, and seven hours of his life wasted. Also, (annoyingly) a lot of NHS time and resource.

Pushing him into going to A & E and wasting seven hours of his life hasn't done anything though sadly, as he still moans constantly about his ailments. He has just started moaning about being deaf in one ear when he woke up this morning, and thinks he may have an ear infection, and 'could do with calling the doctor.....' He had this 2-3 years ago! He has so many ailments on so many parts of his body that he has now run out and is gong back round them all again!