To not see the point of this Xmas present system?

[iDontKnow83]

MIL texts her 8 adult children (and their partners) with a list of exactly what they should buy for each sibling. Eg, we've been told we need to buy SIL1 a lilac cashmere scarf, SIL2 some Chanel perfume, BIL1 a Nike Hoody and BIL2 a set of ear pods.

We've been asked what we would like and we suggested some general ideas like candles, sports stuff or booze but she replied asking for a specific link to the item we wanted.

It all feels so prescriptive and I just think it's pointless! No creativity in buying gifts, so materialistic! I feel saying let's just buy ourselves what we want and not bother with the gifting!

@phishy

You said people were embarrassed to say they only got one present. I said I had never been asked how many presents I received.

Yes, but that would happen if someone asked you what you received for Christmas, and you answer 'perfume'. Not necessarily that someone asks you 'how many presents did you receive?', which would be crass.

What would happen..? Nothing I imagine. Conversation would move on and two minutes later nobody can remember what your answer was.

@HeddaGarbled

This is such an idiotic response. If this logic were applied then half the posts on Mumsnet wouldn't exist! How is it exposing anyone

It’s sneery (as are many posts on Mumsnet, as you rightly identify).

I don’t think it’s sneery. More : am I right in thinking this is bonkers...?

People would normally ask if you got anything nice for Christmas, not how much you got.

I like surprises and I like giving surprises. I rarely even ask the kids what they would like.

I'd love this I would rather get something I definitely want than something that's going to be taken to the charity shop in January. I come across as quite ungrateful, but I'd rather have nothing than a present for the sake of a present

We no longer buy for adults. This is the first year and I’m loving it. Instead we’re all going out for a big family meal (not all together Christmas Day) and doing a couple of day trips together.
Spending time together is far better than any present, could you suggest something like this?

Ii seems like I am the sole person on Mumsnet who loves buying presents!

Across an extended family of three generations, who will all be together to open presents on Christmas Day, and all spend time choosing thoughtful gifts that each person will love.

I look forward to both buying and the opening all year! The odd mad present slips through but generally everyone is delighted. No one in the family would buy rubbish or tat, and if no idea, would ask for a hint on what to get.

There is a fair understanding of price range to buy for each generation. Often joint presents if someone wants something notably more expensive.

I get that some individuals or families can turn present giving into a competitive sport or into a waste of money...

...but there are also families (I can't be in the only one) who embrace it, put thought into it, are sensible and fair about it, and absolutely love everything about it for the joy it brings.

I would hate that. Dfil used to send us an amazon wish list for himself and dmil and was generally a royal pain in the arse about gifts in general despite their offerings leaving alot to be desired! One year dh told him we already had their gifts having gotten them surprises then he huffily replied 'its nice to get something you WANT!" We had a baby on the way and obviously more important things to worry about and they were indeed lucky we were buying at all that year! Unsurprisingly we never bought for them again, gifts got returned and they are now estranged through their toxic behaviour in general!

@TimeForTeaAndG

Why not suggest a secret Santa amongst the adults? Use an online site that draws names for you (so noone knows who has who...whom?) and you can out in a list of likes/dislikes.

We do this and it’s so much better. You can set a budget too.

Oh and it got to the point where dh was seriously considering just saying to dfil just buy your own gift, I'll buy mine and we will say it is from each other as their was literally no point in it all!

@Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse but if adults buy for your dc wouldn't you feel you had to get them something back? I tell my parents not to buy for me and dh for instance just the dc but we buy for them as they buy for the children.

@IARTNS

I'd love this I would rather get something I definitely want than something that's going to be taken to the charity shop in January. I come across as quite ungrateful, but I'd rather have nothing than a present for the sake of a present

This is exactly why we stopped doing presents for adults in our family.

The options are stressing about ideas, wasting money on something people don't want, receiving 'stuff' we didn't want or telling people what to buy. Both pointless.

My Nan does this with her friend on her birthday she gets a £20 note, on friends birthday my Nan gives her £20. This £20 has gone back and forth for so many years now it's so pointless! I don't know why they don't just buy each other a gift?

@ Blackmagicqueen no family have said not to as nothing they need or want, would rather just spend time with us all. Another family member is moving house and said nothing they want and would rather have a good moving in present once in their new home once and know what they need.

Who made MIL Boss of Christmas?? How odd. I wouldn't be able to go along with that.
If you want to know if there's something a family member particularly hopes for, you can choose to ask them yourself!

My SIL is a bit like this. She gives an exact request of what she wants and we have to buy it for her. Either that or she asks for money from everybody so she can buy a big thing that she wants. She also hates opening presents in front of people so we have to have everybody opening presents at the same time so no one can see anyone's face when they open their gift. The problem is, she expects us to give her an exact request of what we want then she buys that thing or gives us the same amount of money we gave her back to us.

It is so pointless and annoying. I'm always asking if we can do kids only but she doesn't want to. Last time we had Christmas she did relent and we did Secret Santa but even that was rubbish as I ended up having to buy something for my DC because their people 'had no idea what to buy' and buy something for my parents to give because they are too old to shop.

DH's family do secret Santa £20 limit. Everyone requests an Amazon voucher. So they all post each other vouchers.

There is literally no fucking point. Just spend £20 on yourself and have done with it. The whole point of a gift is the anticipation of unwrapping a surprise or conversely spending time choosing something for somebody you love.

SIL said "shall we not bother with presents for adults". Everyone happily "yes".
MIL horrified so she is doing presents and we will buy her a present. Other adults not.

@Luckingfovely

Ii seems like I am the sole person on Mumsnet who loves buying presents!

Across an extended family of three generations, who will all be together to open presents on Christmas Day, and all spend time choosing thoughtful gifts that each person will love.

I look forward to both buying and the opening all year! The odd mad present slips through but generally everyone is delighted. No one in the family would buy rubbish or tat, and if no idea, would ask for a hint on what to get.

There is a fair understanding of price range to buy for each generation. Often joint presents if someone wants something notably more expensive.

I get that some individuals or families can turn present giving into a competitive sport or into a waste of money...

...but there are also families (I can't be in the only one) who embrace it, put thought into it, are sensible and fair about it, and absolutely love everything about it for the joy it brings.

I suspect it's probably pretty unusual for every single person in an extended family group to enjoy everything about the gift process and all be as skilled at it as you describe here, yeah. And I imagine most of us know someone who isn't as good at choosing presents as they think they are.

*This is exactly why we stopped doing presents for adults in our family.

The options are stressing about ideas, wasting money on something people don't want, receiving 'stuff' we didn't want or telling people what to buy. Both pointless.*

I'd be quite happy if we stopped, I think I may suggest Secret Santa for next year if people are insistent on exchanging gifts.

It sounds like MIL takes her position of matriarch very seriously.

I imagine everyone will be mightily relieved if you suggest Secret Santa done electronically from now on. Such a huge expense otherwise!

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo

MIL would have liked us to do this, instead we have wish lists on Amazon, you can add links to stuff outside of Amazon too. One for me, one for DH and one for DD. We put loads of stuff on there throughout the year and at birthdays/Xmas she just picks something within budget. It's still a bit of a surprise but we all know it's something we'll like.

Yep. We do something similar. So, it means that there are always some ideas - but we also buy other items too!

@trumpisagit

SIL said "shall we not bother with presents for adults". Everyone happily "yes". MIL horrified so she is doing presents and we will buy her a present. Other adults not.

This happened when we were kids, in that my Grandad gave to us, but not my Mum, for example. It changed again as we got older, though. Now, for Xmas, there is my parents, my Aunt, my DSis & BiL, my DBro, SiL & their two kids, and me. Where there are kids in a family, we only get a tiny thing for the adults, but for the rest of us, it would mean no gifts. Which isn't the point of Xmas, I know, but, it would be kind of miserable....

So, I know my DSis is getting me a jumper (in blue or green, preferably), but not which one, and that my DBro has asked for some running shorts, so I will check with my SiL on which type he likes. I have bought a heated throw for my DDad, as he keeps complaining about the cold - I'm hoping he'll find it as genius as I do!! It's about giving some guidance, but not being prescriptive.

@allIvalueloyaltyaboveallelse that's really nice of your family. Despite saying just a card fine mine would be a bit put out if i got them nothing esp dm. It is abit of a hassle as i have enough to get for the dc as it is and could do without adults!

“Thanks for the suggestions MIL, but we’ve already sorted our presents for everyone.”

Utterly pointless. Tbh, I'd opt out of the whole thing.