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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not see the point of this Xmas present system?

91 replies

iDontKnow83 · 06/12/2021 22:21

MIL texts her 8 adult children (and their partners) with a list of exactly what they should buy for each sibling. Eg, we've been told we need to buy SIL1 a lilac cashmere scarf, SIL2 some Chanel perfume, BIL1 a Nike Hoody and BIL2 a set of ear pods.

We've been asked what we would like and we suggested some general ideas like candles, sports stuff or booze but she replied asking for a specific link to the item we wanted.

It all feels so prescriptive and I just think it's pointless! No creativity in buying gifts, so materialistic! I feel saying let's just buy ourselves what we want and not bother with the gifting!

OP posts:
JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 06/12/2021 22:49

Elfster is good for secret Santa, you can have a wish list for ideas, set a budget etc. I have an annual meet up with closest friends from uni every year (we've all moved all over the place over the years so it's hard to get everyone together on the same date very often), and we use it

HyacynthBucket · 06/12/2021 22:50

Why does she get to organise what people give their siblings? She sounds like a controlling nightmare. Tell her to butt out (politely) and get on with her own life, and you will sort your own present giving.

Missushbb · 06/12/2021 22:50

yes i hate this kind of thing too. we stopped and just buy for the kids. one year we got a bill for creme de la mer, that was one of the final
straws!!! takes the fun away.

Maremaremare · 06/12/2021 22:51

@Howshouldibehave

We do adult kk in my family and all gifts are a surprise

Can I ask what kk stands for?

kk stands for Kris Kringle I think. Same thing as Secret Santa
BlueEyes21 · 06/12/2021 23:01

We use draw names for secret Santa. You can set exclusions (I exclude partners & previous drawn names for each person) and the name is generated & emailed to each person in the group. Set a minimum/maximum spend and away you go!

earsup · 06/12/2021 23:08

I no longer buy gifts for anyone..only 2 friends who like a t shirt or pair of sock and also get myself a few bits....life is so much easier and i dont get lots of stuff i just give away the next day or whenever the charity shop is open...stopped doing gifts over 10 years ago now....why do people still do this nonsense.

HeddaGarbled · 06/12/2021 23:08

The point is that people get what they want and no one wastes money on unwanted presents.

It’s not how you choose to do things, but it’s not your family and if it works for them, it’s not your place to judge. It’s certainly not your place to expose them to the smug judgements of posters on social media.

WeasilyPleased · 06/12/2021 23:25

My mum told me not to buy for my sis and nephews this year. I asked if it had come from sis but it hadn't.
She didnt like me telling her that I will choose who I buy for, not her.

worriedatthemoment · 06/12/2021 23:26

@HeddaGarbled why not ? Its an anonymous post she hasn't listed there names
And its her opinion and her money so she can think and say what she liked about it

IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 06/12/2021 23:36

As @earsup said, why on earth do people still carry on with the whole farce of present giving every year - all it does is feed rampant consumerism, cause friction, angst, divides families, leads to bad feeling, disappointment, debt even, to pay for it all. What the hell is the point or value of it all?

xmaswiththeinlaws · 07/12/2021 00:18

DHs family were buying presents for everyone, big family it got crazy, especially as nobody had much money. One year I suggested secret Santa, he thought they'd hate me for suggesting it but they agreed and we set a price limit. First year or 2 it was great, saved a lot of stress, then it got a bit prescriptive and difficult to get presents to people as we were all living in different countries so people were sending money/picking up own. Eventually gave up on presents completely, so much easier. However, this year we are supposed to be buying for everyone as we're expecting to see them all, trouble is with potential Covid restrictions, we're waiting until we actually get there as if we don't make it we won't be able to exchange presents.

KosherDill · 07/12/2021 00:49

Gifts among adults should be small oddities like a framed childhood photo, thoughtfully purchased used book, jar of chutney, garden seeds, etc.

Not a freaking shopping list parceled out by a coordinator.

BarbaraofSeville · 07/12/2021 05:43

The point is that people get what they want and no one wastes money on unwanted presents

So why not buy your own things when you want them instead of turning them into a big pointless charade?

If SIL wants some Chanel perfume she just clicks a link or goes into a shop and buys it, job done.

OP, tell MIL that you won't be sucked into such stupidity, or suggest secret santa as a compromise.

For it to work and be fair, you all have to think of fifteen! (or seven, I'm not sure if the 8 includes the partners or MIL really has 8 DC, but either way it's ridiculous) expensive things that you want to receive and then all buy fifteen! (or seven) things for the other people. Or you spend hundreds of pounds on other people under duress from MIL. Time to put your foot down.

PanettoneSeason · 07/12/2021 07:29

Sounds really annoying @iDontKnow83

My own MIL decided that we should do Secret Santa between all the adults on their side of the family. There’s 6 couples including us and we usually spend £50ish on each so the idea of SS was a welcome way to save a bit of cash. But no 🤣 MILs idea of a Secret Santa is that each couple buys for one other couple - and it’s a £250 voucher that they get 😬 Can be for anywhere or anything that you think they’d like - shop, experience, subscription etc.

Seems a bit pointless to me - I’d happily stop it and just each treat ourselves to something we actually want but we can afford it, everyone else seems to enjoy it, and it’s much easier only buying for one other couple so for the sake of keeping the peace I just get on with it 🤣

phishy · 07/12/2021 07:41

So why not buy your own things when you want them instead of turning them into a big pointless charade?

Because people are embarrassed to say they only got 1 present on Christmas. (And that was from their spouse).

We do a secret santa, £10 limit. I really don’t want to spend hundreds of ££ on crap, so people can spend it on me as well, on stuff I don’t need.

ShanghaiDiva · 07/12/2021 07:50

@phishy

So why not buy your own things when you want them instead of turning them into a big pointless charade?

Because people are embarrassed to say they only got 1 present on Christmas. (And that was from their spouse).

We do a secret santa, £10 limit. I really don’t want to spend hundreds of ££ on crap, so people can spend it on me as well, on stuff I don’t need.

Have never as an adult been asked how many Christmas presents I got.. Bizarre.
Thatldo · 07/12/2021 08:13

More and more I come to the conclusion,xmas is really a big pointless circus.

phishy · 07/12/2021 09:17

@ShanghaiDiva you've never been asked 'what did you get'?

Original poster
iDontKnow83 · 07/12/2021 09:52

@HeddaGarbled

The point is that people get what they want and no one wastes money on unwanted presents.

It’s not how you choose to do things, but it’s not your family and if it works for them, it’s not your place to judge. It’s certainly not your place to expose them to the smug judgements of posters on social media.

This is such an idiotic response. If this logic were applied then half the posts on Mumsnet wouldn't exist! How is it exposing anyone Hmm

And yes they are my family as I'm married to DH and therefore involved in the whole present buying system.

OP posts:
ShanghaiDiva · 07/12/2021 10:21

[quote phishy]@ShanghaiDiva you've never been asked 'what did you get'?[/quote]
I said I have never been asked how many Xmas presents I got.
However, as an adult I can’t remember the last time I was asked ‘what did you get?’. It’s also not something I would ever ask anyone as iimo seems a little crass.

MrsTophamHat · 07/12/2021 10:31

It's all well and good saying 'where's the surprise?' etc but many people are not good at present buying. Just wait for the theeads on here at christmas.

I do understand that it seems a bit pointless, but treating yourself just because it's Christmas is equally arbitrary when you think about it. And let's face it, those people might not go out and buy the cashmere scarf for themselves because there's always something more 'sensible' to spend the money on.

The whole thing is a ritualistic gesture, so I don't see the harm in being specific about something you'd be delighted to recieve rather than knowing someone you love has spent money and completely missed the mark.

phishy · 07/12/2021 10:33

@ShanghaiDiva

I said I have never been asked how many Xmas presents I got.

Why, I never said people ask how many presents did you get?

ShanghaiDiva · 07/12/2021 10:36

[quote phishy]@ShanghaiDiva

I said I have never been asked how many Xmas presents I got.

Why, I never said people ask how many presents did you get?[/quote]
You said people were embarrassed to say they only got one present. I said I had never been asked how many presents I received.

HeddaGarbled · 07/12/2021 11:01

This is such an idiotic response. If this logic were applied then half the posts on Mumsnet wouldn't exist! How is it exposing anyone

It’s sneery (as are many posts on Mumsnet, as you rightly identify).

phishy · 07/12/2021 11:03

You said people were embarrassed to say they only got one present. I said I had never been asked how many presents I received.

Yes, but that would happen if someone asked you what you received for Christmas, and you answer 'perfume'. Not necessarily that someone asks you 'how many presents did you receive?', which would be crass.