Settle an argument please

[PuffyLittleCloud]

Nc for this.

Please vote!

Argument:

DC have covid.

Parent A has health anxiety and ocd. Their reaction to dealing with the situation is to clean a lot and limit time with time with DC in the same room, open windows, wear masks etc. Therefore, their time has been spent on cleaning and not with DC, doing delightful activities like crafting, baking, garden games etc.

Parent B does not suffer with those conditions. Parent B is able to WFH so has done, in an outbuilding at the end of the garden. Had a long standing arrangement for an event this weekend, which they attended, taking them out of the house for most of the day.

Parent B has criticised parent A for not spending time with DC. Parent A responded by saying Parent B chose to attend organised event rather than spend time with DC too. Parent B says this is not the same thing, and no wonder Parent A makes Parent B feel like a bad parent, it is completely different.

YABU - Parent A is right, choosing to attend the event is the same as choosing to clean rather than spend time with DC.

YANBU - Parent B is right, it is completely different, it was not a choice between an event and DC.

So Parent A occasionally chucks a sandwich at a 9 year old rather than spend any meaningful time with them? And then cops a strop because B (tactfully) pointed out that it's not good for a kid to live being treated as a piece of radioactive waste?

My mother ceased to have any significance in my day to day life when she took herself to bed with a fuckton of painkillers for months, possibly years, I haven't got a clue - might have been 3 or 4 years in the end?. I was slightly older at the time, but she just didn't take up space in my head anymore, beyond my checking if there was food in the fridge - and once I was old enough to get a parttime job and buy myself food on the way home, that brief thought stopped as well.

Both unreasonable point scoring off each other. I've been there and it's just not worth it.

@NeverDropYourMooncup I feel you’re putting your own childhood on this post and not getting the point at all.

The argument settlement was whether parent A choosing to clean was the same as parent B choosing to go to an event or not.

I am very sorry to hear your mother was emotionally neglectful to you. I can assure you that is not what’s going on in this house.

I used to have to do a tonne of housework every bloody Sunday after ExH upped and left because no other bugger was going to do it, while the DC watched films or whatever.

Sometimes one of them wasn't well.

Housework still needed doing though.

Parent B sounds like a bit of a twat tbh.

This obsession with HAVING to do 'delightful activities' with children such as crafting, baking etc is ridiculous. Even in the golden age of the default SAHM nobody spent the bulk of their time doing such things mothers were doing HOUSEWORK while kids entertained themselves.

I voted YANBU because of the options however Parent B should not have criticised A.

[quote PuffyLittleCloud]@MrzClaus

Parent B said to parent A ‘you haven’t spent quality time with DC’
parent A ‘I know, but they’ve been fine, I’m doing the best I can. It’s a short term thing’
B ‘I worry about them’
A ‘well you had the opportunity to spend time with them yesterday and today but you were off doing X and today you’re doing Y’
B ‘it’s not the same’ etc.[/quote]
Parent B is a bit of a twat.

Thank you everyone for your voting and well thought out replies.

I will share this post with the other parent and I am sure it will enable further discussion

Have a good day!

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that if parent Has ocd then parent b should have stayed at home and supported parent A and the children when parent A is on the middle of an episode. I think it's really irresponsible to leave the kids to deal with that.

OCD is a pretty serious disorder and you can't really say it's their choice to obsess and carry out compulsive actions the same way that b could of have Chosen to not attend a leisure Event. It also sounds as if parent b shamed parent a for their disorder. That's pretty nasty.

(Besides, I don't think parent b should be attending events if several people in the household have COVID).

I think there’s a difference between being at home and not spending time with the DC and being out at an event. Yes, parent B also didn’t spend quality time with the DC but as Parent A hadn’t objected to them going out it was reasonable for them to assume Parent A was happy to care for DC and obviously part of being a caring, loving and attentive parent is spending quality time with the DC. If Parent A had asked Parent B not to go in advance and made it clear they didn’t feel mentally well enough to give their DC any time then it would have been different, but it sounds like Parent B didn’t realise Parent A wasn’t up to caring for the DC.

Take away the ‘spending quality time’ and replace it with ‘feeding lunch.’ If Parent A had failed to feed DC lunch whilst they were the only parent home with the DC would it be reasonable for them to say to Parent B, who was at an event believing their child was being cared for by their other parent, ‘well you didn’t feed them either!’ Personally I would expect that if a parent has agreed to care for the DC whilst another parent is doing something else all of the care falls to them on that day and that it’s not reasonable for them to avoid caring for the DC on the basis that the other parent isn’t home.

@TractorAndHeadphones

This obsession with HAVING to do 'delightful activities' with children such as crafting, baking etc is ridiculous. Even in the golden age of the default SAHM nobody spent the bulk of their time doing such things mothers were doing HOUSEWORK while kids entertained themselves.

I voted YANBU because of the options however Parent B should not have criticised A.

Precisely.

DC supervised and cared for, doing what sound like lovely activities mixed in with downtime and some necessary homework/school stuff.

House clean, everyone fed.

There’s nothing remotely to be concerned about there for the DC.

Other parent apparently absent yet critical.

Also choosing to clean isn't the same but not in the way you imagined.
The event is longstanding. Plans have been made. If there's a mental quota of 'X hours' spent with DC the event should already have been factored in.

Having reread the OP it looks like Parent A is limiting time spent with DC too? In this case Parent A is unreasonable.
Having a mental illness is difficult but if you treat you kids like that you're an unfit parent. Also the constant cleaning won't be comfortable for the children.

Sorry I meant to add - if it's impacting family life then it's treated as a symptom of illness.
I'm actually confused as to what's going on here so I'll stop commenting but longstanding events are different is the cruz

obviously part of being a caring, loving and attentive parent is spending quality time with the DC.

One weekend where a 9-year-old mostly entertains themselves doesn’t mean you’re not an ‘attentive parent’. Blimey!

Neither is right and neither is wrong! Parent B is not wrong to attend a prearranged event. Parent A can't help having OCD and it won't kill the kids to be stuck in front of the TV all day or have to play with their toys. Neither parent should have criticized the other.

"Parent A has health anxiety and ocd. Their reaction to dealing with the situation is to clean a lot and limit time with time with DC in the same room, open windows, wear masks etc. Therefore, their time has been spent on cleaning and not with DC, doing delightful activities like crafting, baking, garden games etc."

This parent needs help - serious help, parent B needs to get out of the house more to get away from Parent A who must be infuriating to be around.

@NoSquirrels

obviously part of being a caring, loving and attentive parent is spending quality time with the DC.

One weekend where a 9-year-old mostly entertains themselves doesn’t mean you’re not an ‘attentive parent’. Blimey!

Well exactly. I do wonder if this is how coddled kids end up at Goldsmiths with blue hair demanding safe spaces from other peoples' thoughts while screaming at women who vaguely remind them of their mothers.

[quote PuffyLittleCloud]@NeverDropYourMooncup I feel you’re putting your own childhood on this post and not getting the point at all.

The argument settlement was whether parent A choosing to clean was the same as parent B choosing to go to an event or not.

I am very sorry to hear your mother was emotionally neglectful to you. I can assure you that is not what’s going on in this house.[/quote]
Ah, so you're parent A, then.

Fair enough.

B's still in the right - they aren't neglecting their child by going out when there is a perfectly capable Parent A in the house.

[quote PuffyLittleCloud]@MrzClaus so does that mean you agree with Parent A?

Parent A could have spent quality time with DC instead of cleaning.

And parent B could have spend quality time with DC instead of attending the event?

It’s the same choice - a choice of how someone chooses to spend their time.

Just because youve said that yet also said Parent A is unreasonable, so I am trying to clarify.[/quote]
In this instance - no! I'm saying IMO Parent B was absolutely fine to do what they did, but if parent A had been the one to go to an event and parent B had stayed at home that would have been fine too!

IMO Parent B went to an event that was pre booked by choice, knowing that parent A was free and home to look after DC. Parent A knowing they were the only parent looking after DC (as B was out) prioritised cleaning over spending quality time with DC.

OCD is a pretty serious disorder and you can't really say it's their choice to obsess and carry out compulsive actions

100% agree. OP says parent A has sought help in various forms for their disorders and is just currently having difficulty coping because a virus has in fact materialised in the house. I think a lot of these replies are imo emblematic of a lack of empathy with regard to mental health issues on MN.

Anyway I think parent B is more in the wrong for having a go at parent A for not doing "delightful activities" with the child. I was more than happy to entertain myself at 9yo and it sounds like this child is too, and if they're asymptomatic then they don't need constant fuss and TLC.

Ok so I voted YABU because parent B participated to an event that was optional and a hobby. I’m sure they would have missed it and felt bad about about letting people down but … it WAS a choice to be away too!! And tbh, knowing that parent A was going to struggle with the situation because of a well known MH issue that they are working on, parent B left their dc KNOWING what would happen…. Is that OK in itself??

But tbh, who says that a parent has to be with a child all day along doing craft? Was the child unhappy to be watching TV whist parent A was cleaning (and generally ensuring the house was still ticking over whilst parent B was busy with their hobby)

Tbh it sounds like parent B was having a go at parent A for doing too much cleaning and basically nit controlling their ocd well enough.

Did either of you ask the kids what they wanted. You both sound a bit tetchy. I think both parents should crack on with what suits them a d leave the other patent to do what they want. I would t have considered cancelling the activity if I was parent B but then I also wouldn’t have complained about parent A

I think you are parent A

You're A and need to seek help.

FYI OP, the expectation on a thread like this is that you will at some point tell us which one is you.

It’s a bit rude if you never do!

@AllotmentTime

FYI OP, the expectation on a thread like this is that you will at some point tell us which one is you.

It’s a bit rude if you never do!

It's been obvious from the start the OP is A

No matter how hard they try in the opening post, the subsequent replies are usually a dead giveaway.

Parent B shouldn’t have criticised Parent A for doing their best to manage their mental health conditions.

9 year old dc will be fine with some movie days. It is irrelevant whether these two things are exactly the same are not. Parent B should be able to attend the events as Parent A is at home and Parent A is doing their best to manage their OCD. Both parents should be kinder to each other and stop trying to point score and win the argument.