Settle an argument please

[PuffyLittleCloud]

Nc for this.

Please vote!

Argument:

DC have covid.

Parent A has health anxiety and ocd. Their reaction to dealing with the situation is to clean a lot and limit time with time with DC in the same room, open windows, wear masks etc. Therefore, their time has been spent on cleaning and not with DC, doing delightful activities like crafting, baking, garden games etc.

Parent B does not suffer with those conditions. Parent B is able to WFH so has done, in an outbuilding at the end of the garden. Had a long standing arrangement for an event this weekend, which they attended, taking them out of the house for most of the day.

Parent B has criticised parent A for not spending time with DC. Parent A responded by saying Parent B chose to attend organised event rather than spend time with DC too. Parent B says this is not the same thing, and no wonder Parent A makes Parent B feel like a bad parent, it is completely different.

YABU - Parent A is right, choosing to attend the event is the same as choosing to clean rather than spend time with DC.

YANBU - Parent B is right, it is completely different, it was not a choice between an event and DC.

Two of mine have had covid, they were both a symptomatic and I didn’t spend the time mooning over them or it.

Parent A needs to get a grip.
Parent B is one singular event, everyone does things in the Christmas season. They are not the same things.

And also, parent B shouldn't be off galvanting anywhere with covid in the house!

@zingally I’m not sure there is meanness and being unforgiving! Just an argument where both are at opposite sides of the spectrum and interested to see how other completely objective people view it.

Does parent A work? Who is looking after the 9 year old while parent B is working?

I think IMO parent B is in the right.

Parent A doesn't seem to have a good enough grip of their issues to not let it impact others in the family (saying this as someone with similar issues). Parent B shouldn't have to not attend a pre arranged event to spend time with DC when parent A is at home and DC is asymptomatic (so not bed bound with a temperature or requiring lots of medical care).

Just the way you’ve worded the post it seems you are/you support parent B.

I voted YABU, parent B should have stayed home, and not been out socialising when there are covid positive people in their household, and clearly parent A needed B’s support seeing as the child’s illness has triggered their MH issues, they’re not “choosing” to clean FFS, they’re coping as best they can with a stressful situation whilst their coparent just pleases themself.

Yes you can make arguments about A working on their MH issues before having children but that’s not going to help right now is it.

Parent A is unreasonable. Parent A can't avoid their kid whenever they get ill, how is that good parenting? A can't just decide not to parent whenever their kid is sick!

@MrzClaus there is no argument that parent B shouldn’t do those things. The argument is that parent B chose to attend an event rather than spend time with DC in response to Parent B criticising Parent A for not spending ‘quality’ time with DC.

I think Parent B is unreasonable.

Going off to do a hobby and spending the rest of the weekend doing stuff for themself. Rather loses the moral high ground for criticising Parent A for not doing activities with the children, when Parent A had been left caring for them single handedly.

Plus foolhardy to go and mix with others for non essential reasons despite knowing members of household have covid.

I'm not sure that Parent A' s cleaning regime will have much impact though. If you're caring for children with covid you'll be exposed to it like it or not.

Parent A is totally right- they are cleaning and keeping the home safe for everyone while the dc is happily occupied.

Parent B is absenting themself from the home and contributing not at all to the child or the household.

@WellLarDeDar this clearly hasn’t been written well. The DC weren’t being ignored! They were entertaining themselves whilst Parent A cleaned / cooked / did washing. They were still spoken to, checked on, fed, watered, given school work to.

So parent A is doing standard housework with some extra cleaning thrown in and supervising DC.

Parent B is off pleasing themselves elsewhere, yet feels able to criticise the present parent for doing it wrong! Rude.

[quote PuffyLittleCloud]@MrzClaus there is no argument that parent B shouldn’t do those things. The argument is that parent B chose to attend an event rather than spend time with DC in response to Parent B criticising Parent A for not spending ‘quality’ time with DC.[/quote]
Parent B went to an event when Parent A was available to look after DC - parent B didn't choose to go to an event and leave DC with no one? Parent B should be able to go to a pre arranged event leaving DC with Parent A surely? It's not choosing an event over a DC when DC has another parent available?

Parent A is making their child feel like a leper though which going to an event isn't.

I'm team Parent B. I'm guessing you're A OP

@MrzClaus

Parent B said to parent A ‘you haven’t spent quality time with DC’
parent A ‘I know, but they’ve been fine, I’m doing the best I can. It’s a short term thing’
B ‘I worry about them’
A ‘well you had the opportunity to spend time with them yesterday and today but you were off doing X and today you’re doing Y’
B ‘it’s not the same’ etc.

[quote PuffyLittleCloud]@WorraLiberty has undertaken therapy and CBT. Managed very well now, only is an issue where there is an actual illness, but not all illness. Sick bugs, and now covid.[/quote]
Parent a needs more help then. I hope they are continuing on this therapy?

[quote PuffyLittleCloud]@MrzClaus

Parent B said to parent A ‘you haven’t spent quality time with DC’
parent A ‘I know, but they’ve been fine, I’m doing the best I can. It’s a short term thing’
B ‘I worry about them’
A ‘well you had the opportunity to spend time with them yesterday and today but you were off doing X and today you’re doing Y’
B ‘it’s not the same’ etc.[/quote]
@PuffyLittleCloud "^Parent B said to parent A ‘you haven’t spent quality time with DC’
parent A ‘I know, but they’ve been fine, I’m doing the best I can. It’s a short term thing’
B ‘I worry about them’
A ‘well you had the opportunity to spend time with them yesterday and today but you were off doing X and today you’re doing Y’
B ‘it’s not the same’ etc.^"

Are you Parent A?

Parent B (or Parent A) should be able to go to pre arranged hobbies (not sprung up last minute to avoid helping out!) and still express feelings about spending time with DC. Parent A could have spent quality time with DC instead of cleaning / Parent B could have spent quality time instead of going to an event. You asked an AIBU, I just think as Parent B already had plans, why should they attend and Parent A spend quality time with DC?

Parent B is wrong

They need to understand the anxiety, they have just as much responsibility to look after the children

Wfh, but in an office down the garden assumes the DC are on their own if not at school and parent A is working.

Parent B chose to go on an unimportant event for a hobby rather than stay at home with a sick child and is now still not doing anything with them

I think parent A is over the tip but given OCD and anxiety I would cut them some slack right now, they are well intended even though children should be prioritised over cleaning.

Parent B is probably more rational minding re the cleaning and child's needs, who appears selfish. Decides to go on an unnecessary event, while being in close contact with a sick child, has no concern re spreading it to those they are meeting and also shows no support or sympathy to Parent A who is finding this difficult. They aren't in a position to criticise A when they also haven't handled the situation correctly.

Both are wrong and need to realise if to move forward.

Op I think you scuppered this by referring to mental health problems in your first post. People are leaping in with 'pull yourself together and play with your child!'.

You are doing housework while your child entertains themself like parents do every day.

I think you're both being unreasonable.

Parent A is unreasonable for going so massively OTT with cleaning and mask-wearing at home around their own 9yo child.

However, Parent B is also being unreasonable for not spending time with their child (knowing parent A has issues with health anxiety).

The only person I feel sorry for in this scenario is the 9yo. One parent treats them like a leper and the other can't be arsed and would rather sit in the shed or disappear with friends.

@MrzClaus so does that mean you agree with Parent A?

Parent A could have spent quality time with DC instead of cleaning.

And parent B could have spend quality time with DC instead of attending the event?

It’s the same choice - a choice of how someone chooses to spend their time.

Just because youve said that yet also said Parent A is unreasonable, so I am trying to clarify.

Neither are bu.
Parent A is sensible to keep the house clean if a child in it has covid and obviously can not isolate away from the family.
Parent B is not abandoning the child, they're leaving them in the care of their other parent.
Neither parent has cause to criticise the other.

I actually think both are valid viewpoints and it's not a clear cut case of who is right and wrong