Child saying they aren’t good at anything, what can I do to help them?

[FindSomethingToHelp]

DD is 7, year 3 at school.

She hates school, always has. She’s not good at anything according to her and is currently undergoing assessments again. She has dyslexia but she’s undergoing other assessments for possible dyscalculia/dysgraphia as she’s just not making any progress in anything. She will refuse to go to school every morning, and it’s got the point I have to drag her in kicking and screaming. Her teacher is great and always finds something positive to say about her and she’s had star of the week this year already but there was no assembly so DD says it’s not a proper one (was given by the teacher in class not by the headteacher). She is just so defeated by it all.

Out of school she does swimming, but she’s stage 1 still and nowhere near stage 2. Most of her friends are stage 3 or 4. It’s one of those towns where you can’t avoid them and I want her to carry on learning to swim so she’s got to carry on but I am hoping that because her time slot only has up to Level 4 that soon she won’t be with them and able to compare if that makes sense. She has hypermobility in her legs which affects her quite badly and is why she’s not at the stage of her friends.

She does Brownies but has only just started and is finding it frustrating that shes only earnt 1 skills badge and 1 interest badge. She is working towards her theme award but hasn’t quite got there yet.

She tried gymnastics but was asked to leave after 2 sessions because she was too scared to jump off anything in case it hurt. She loves watching Dancing but when we tried it she said it was painful and didn’t want to go again.

At home it’s just me and her apart from EOW when she goes to her dads.

Is there anything else I can try that she might be good at? I am desperate to find something so we don’t put her off school, her teacher agrees she needs something to be good at away from school but it’s so hard to find anything that doesn’t either hurt her or have her friends from school in.

Animals can be very rewarding and understanding so I'm going to say horse riding or until she gets confidence doing some pony days where they can groom and just be with the horses?

@milly74

Animals can be very rewarding and understanding so I'm going to say horse riding or until she gets confidence doing some pony days where they can groom and just be with the horses?

Would the riding not hurt her hips? I know a few people who have horses who'd probably let her groom them (obviously I'd ask them first and probably want them there anyway)

Music,
Singing
Drama
Cookery / Baking
Astronomy
Debating (when she’s a bit older, perhaps)
Coding
Family history
Chess

My DD is 17 and had the same issues and to be honest it was & is a big problem.

I would try to find some non competitive activities. DD did Wildlife Rangers with the local Wildlife Trust, it was the only activity she really stuck with, helped by only being monthly.
Another friend has reptiles and they are involved with their local reptile society taking them to shows etc.
I have heard good things about 'Woodland Folk' which sounds to me like a more inclusive version of cubs/brownies. It didn't run near us though.

Keep going with brownies- do the interest badges at home and the rest the UMAs and skill builders will come in time (it’s basically just turning up to earn them!). She will get a sense of achievement just by being there longer term.

When you're hypermobile you need to exercise to keep the joints stable. Doing nothing for fear of pain causes more pain. And being held back 'because you'll hurt yourself' is sound destroying.

Remember to praise her for small things, like being kind, being helpful, being patient, tidying up, sharing, thinking of others before herself, explaining calmly when she's stressed out (etc).

If you can find anything in life she feels successful at, that confidence you helped to nurture can build into resilience for things she finds more challenging.

About the physicality -- I'd take her to outdoor spaces a lot where she can walk, climb, jump, at her own pace. Her instincts will lead her to push her own boundaries and you just hang around to supervise. The woods, beach, playground, softplay, etc. This extra physical practice may turn into more physical confidence in general.

My DDs both enjoyed ice skating (despite both having motor skills issues). They would both be much more energetic doing that than other physical activity. Again it is a bit different so less chance of others doing it too.

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

When you're hypermobile you need to exercise to keep the joints stable. Doing nothing for fear of pain causes more pain. And being held back 'because you'll hurt yourself' is sound destroying.

We've been told not to force her because forcing her through it could damage her hips and legs more if shes scared.

Is there something that has nothing to do with exercise she could do, that her friends don't do so she can't compare herself to them? Like maybe knitting, or learning to sew things onto bags to make them look great? Or becoming a great cook?
Or maybe she could do drama?
What does she enjoy doing at home - is she into roleplay and playing with toys, or something else?

You poor dd. There are loads of personal qualities that are so important in life, like social skills and empathy and kindness. Hard to appreciate when you're young though and with competitive peers.

I also came on to say horse riding too. Horses are such sensitive, lovely animals. They are used for RDA, equine therapy, all sorts - for good reason. Not saying your daughter needs 'therapy', but just that children and adults with significant disabilities can learn to ride and get a lot out of it, so I can't see why your daughter couldn't too. Obviously, she'll have to try it and make sure it doesn't hurt her hips, but if you go to a reputable riding school and they find the right size pony for her, then I can't see why it would. The most significant drawback is cost - sadly it's a v expensive hobby!

Oh bless her heart.

Art lessons
Musical instrument?
Martial art?

I assume you've had lots of conversations about judging a fish on its ability to ride a bicycle etc? I always tell mine that everyone is absolutely brilliant at something- maybe she gives the best hugs, or chooses just the right timing when telling a joke or is always the first to spot the first star of the night?

I think trying to force something she's good at isn't necessarily the solution but what about collecting something she's interested in? Stamps, stickers, rubbers?

Also just to say it’s fab you’re letting her try all these things and not forcing her to keep going with stuff too! Sounds like you’ve got the balance right she’s just not found her thing yet. I don’t have experience with brownies but would have thought it would be a good introduction to lots of things.

Also at her age there’s loads of things she might be amazing at but hasn’t come across yet. Languages, literature, cooking etc.

Is she creative? Art, craft, photography? What does she really enjoy doing?

I would give up the stress on something she can be "good" at and focus on what does she want to do, enjoy doing and what can she do, or what can be adapted so she can do it? People become good at things by doing them.

Can you get her any one-to-one lessons? The teachers are often used to children who face extra difficulties, and one to ones can be brilliant for building confidence and skills at e.g. swimming. It is important to accept that she faces challenges that the other children don't face and it will take her longer to achive the same goals, or that she may have to achieve them in a different way. It really helps if you get a teacher who really makes the lessons fun. DS had a music lesson with a joky teacher who put no pressure on him at all. I had a rule that DS needed to practise 10 minutes a day sand I would keep paying for the lesson. And that's all he ever did! But over the years he can read music, and play piano.

Are there any disability activities she can join? At 7 my DS was young enough to accept that these were just kids like any other kids, and not to feel that he shouldn't be with them. He did a special-needs judo class for a while, some of the kids were better at it than he was but they all made progress, the teacher was great at encouraging them all and making them all feel successful. And the kid who went on to do championships wasn't the "most talented" he was persistent, enjoyed judo and kept at it.

And I know that this is going to sound contradictory, but when you are with DD try to use neutral "descriptive commenting" rather than praise most of the time (do use some praise as well) Descriptive commenting is you showing an interest in what she is doing and accepting that whetever she is doing is "right" and putting no value judgments on it. So you can sit with her when she is painting and give a commentary in a warm voice:
"You are washing the brush - choosing a colour - thinking - purple - making big purple lines - painting a purple sky - now you are picking a diferent colour - blue - mixing some white in - adding light blue to the sky"
No suggestions about how to do it better, no good or bad value judgements, just shared attention. It's hard work and you don't have to do it all the time, even 10 minutes a day or a couple of half hour sessions in a week can be very effective. I got a bit of training in how to do it from a parenting class at our children's hospital. You could do the same thing if for example she is practising music. I even used to get DS to keep going at his homework that way - he was academic and mainly enjoyed homework despite other issues, but sometimes needed that encouragement.

I hope you find some activities that your DD feeks happy with

how about nature walks and things with you - you could take them at her pace, not being graded or anything. Work out charts for birds/trees/plants seen.
Not specifically aimed at children, but a place local to me (urban wood) does regular foraging walks and has a number of trails.
What about gardening & growing stuff if you have a garden?

How about a drama group?

What about things that build on being a kind person/good citizen? St john ambulance badgers?

Music or singing are great, especially if there are choirs locally.

What about a hobby? Perhaps something not in a group so she doesn't compare.
Art, sewing, photography, instrument lessons 1-to-1?

I completely understand where you're coming from because we have similar issues, albeit without the physical constraints. But I would also say that it's not just about finding something they're good at. It's about finding things they enjoy and are interested in eg DD has joined a coding club. As far as I can tell, it's not a competitive environment at all, but gives her a chance to do something she enjoys. My nephew was one of those kids obsessed with dinosaurs so they visited museums, bought lots of books on the subject, watched tv shows etc - it was something he loved and enjoyed and there was no need for "competition".

DD's dance class has a number of children with additional needs. I think there's value in finding a club that can accommodate rather than writing off something completely. Similarly, DD is not very good at gymnastics, but she loves it and is going to a club that doesn't put pressure on the children.

What about a children's yoga class? Not competitive, might be good for her physically and can be lots of fun?

If you have a good martial arts class near you that emphasises confidence building for children it can do wonders for them. It's all about doing your personal best rather than competing with the other students. Sorry I know next to nothing about hypermobility but if she is doing the movements to the best of her personal ability she should progress through the belts. We enrolled DS initially to build his confidence then joined up ourselves. My aim was to get fit but it really boosted my confidence too and that spilt over into other areas of my life. It could be well worth having a chat with the instructor.

PS it can look like torture if you're sat watching but it really is great fun!

She really enjoys playing with dolls mainly, and creating very vivid worlds, shes very imaginative. She has a dolls house thats bigger than she is and each family has its own room, and they're all different, so you might get an elephant with a giraffe child (sylvanian families) and a wooden doll with a very tiny ragdoll.

We walk loads, as I don;t like using the car unless I have to (for environmental reasons and cost as well) and she wanders in her own world, I ask her what she's thinking about and she'll tell me she's grown wings and is now a beautiful butterfly watching everyone.

Singing may actually be a good bet as she's always had a speech delay and I think it improves it, the problem is she can't read and has memory issues so may not remember the songs, but 1-1 may be good if I can find a singing teacher for her.

She likes animals so will look into horse riding too, I think there's an RDA group in the next town.

She likes cooking and baking but is very impatient, constantly wanting to do the next step before finishing the one she's on, it's something we're working on.

I will look into Martial Arts thank you to those who suggested it, will also keep at Brownies, she does enjoy the meetings and I do think some of it is the way it's run, they do a badge ceremony at the end of each half term so it can feel to DD like she's not achieving anything when I know she is. But she's always really proud when she gets a badge.