Child saying they aren’t good at anything, what can I do to help them?

[FindSomethingToHelp]

DD is 7, year 3 at school.

She hates school, always has. She’s not good at anything according to her and is currently undergoing assessments again. She has dyslexia but she’s undergoing other assessments for possible dyscalculia/dysgraphia as she’s just not making any progress in anything. She will refuse to go to school every morning, and it’s got the point I have to drag her in kicking and screaming. Her teacher is great and always finds something positive to say about her and she’s had star of the week this year already but there was no assembly so DD says it’s not a proper one (was given by the teacher in class not by the headteacher). She is just so defeated by it all.

Out of school she does swimming, but she’s stage 1 still and nowhere near stage 2. Most of her friends are stage 3 or 4. It’s one of those towns where you can’t avoid them and I want her to carry on learning to swim so she’s got to carry on but I am hoping that because her time slot only has up to Level 4 that soon she won’t be with them and able to compare if that makes sense. She has hypermobility in her legs which affects her quite badly and is why she’s not at the stage of her friends.

She does Brownies but has only just started and is finding it frustrating that shes only earnt 1 skills badge and 1 interest badge. She is working towards her theme award but hasn’t quite got there yet.

She tried gymnastics but was asked to leave after 2 sessions because she was too scared to jump off anything in case it hurt. She loves watching Dancing but when we tried it she said it was painful and didn’t want to go again.

At home it’s just me and her apart from EOW when she goes to her dads.

Is there anything else I can try that she might be good at? I am desperate to find something so we don’t put her off school, her teacher agrees she needs something to be good at away from school but it’s so hard to find anything that doesn’t either hurt her or have her friends from school in.

Drama is very rewarding and inclusive. At my daughter's class, they do lots of games like Wink Murder and Fruit Salad and the like, then making up scenes in little groups, improv, accents, scenarios. They do a big variety show once a year but there's no pressure to be involved in that if they don't want to.
It's done wonders for her confidence.

Then pay for private physio. That'll get her more confident so she isn't refusing to do anything. Hydrotherapy is really good. There's also a bit of first aid - she could become an expert ankle bandager, for example, which also encourages a more pragmatic approach, as she knows how to deal with it if it pings.

Otherwise she could spend her childhood sitting watching others have fun when she doesn't need to.

Stuff is going to hurt sometimes. My rib last dislocated sitting on the sofa, breathing. I swore, put it back, swore some more and then got on with my day, going to the gym in the evening to work on legs. If I'd followed the don't do anything you'll only hurt yourself mantra, my only skill in life would be using the toilet - and I've dislocated my shoulder wiping my arse before now, so I don't think that's even a guaranteed success. But I had less pain from the moment I started in the gym as an adult, free of the You Can't Do That With Your Joints.

Strengthening muscles stabilises joints. Strong muscles and more stable joints means less pain and better balance and control.

Orthotics and lots of tape are great, along with the occasional ice pack and paracetamol.

Does her dad treat her like a precious little doll? Sometimes the other parent can be a factor in things because they want them little and dependent, forgetting that it's not helping.

Book a private physio and they'll have the time to be able to give her confidence as well as exercises and techniques where she can be a little girl that doesn't think she's generally shit and a waste of space.

If she just can't manage physical activity I would second pps suggestions of baking. The simplest home made cakes are delicious but there's plenty of opportunity to build her skills whilst getting lots of praise. The popularity of Bake Off means cake making commands a lot more respect nowadays.

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

Then pay for private physio. That'll get her more confident so she isn't refusing to do anything. Hydrotherapy is really good. There's also a bit of first aid - she could become an expert ankle bandager, for example, which also encourages a more pragmatic approach, as she knows how to deal with it if it pings.

Otherwise she could spend her childhood sitting watching others have fun when she doesn't need to.

Stuff is going to hurt sometimes. My rib last dislocated sitting on the sofa, breathing. I swore, put it back, swore some more and then got on with my day, going to the gym in the evening to work on legs. If I'd followed the don't do anything you'll only hurt yourself mantra, my only skill in life would be using the toilet - and I've dislocated my shoulder wiping my arse before now, so I don't think that's even a guaranteed success. But I had less pain from the moment I started in the gym as an adult, free of the You Can't Do That With Your Joints.

Strengthening muscles stabilises joints. Strong muscles and more stable joints means less pain and better balance and control.

Orthotics and lots of tape are great, along with the occasional ice pack and paracetamol.

Does her dad treat her like a precious little doll? Sometimes the other parent can be a factor in things because they want them little and dependent, forgetting that it's not helping.

Book a private physio and they'll have the time to be able to give her confidence as well as exercises and techniques where she can be a little girl that doesn't think she's generally shit and a waste of space.

She has physio when it's needed but she gets a lot of pain in general, she has it severely in all her joints in her legs to the point they can freely turn 180 degrees. We do daily exercises to strengthen but growth or doing too much or lack of general exercise makes it worse.

She also has dyslexia which can cause confidence issues, there's no point in telling her "to work through it" and she could hurt herself more. She is only 7, she has plenty of time. She also might have dysgraphia or dyscalculia so she finds lots of things confusing and unsettling, again forcing her to work through that when not trained to do so could make her worse or put her off. The last thing I want is her put off.

I like some of the suggestions from this thread and will definitely be introducing her to a few more things. Will also have a chat with Brown Owl and see if there's anything they could incorporate into the meetings which will boost her confidence.

Horse riding/ singing lessons I bet she would love one to one singing lessons she might be really good!

@FindSomethingToHelp

She really enjoys playing with dolls mainly, and creating very vivid worlds, shes very imaginative. She has a dolls house thats bigger than she is and each family has its own room, and they're all different, so you might get an elephant with a giraffe child (sylvanian families) and a wooden doll with a very tiny ragdoll.

We walk loads, as I don;t like using the car unless I have to (for environmental reasons and cost as well) and she wanders in her own world, I ask her what she's thinking about and she'll tell me she's grown wings and is now a beautiful butterfly watching everyone.

Singing may actually be a good bet as she's always had a speech delay and I think it improves it, the problem is she can't read and has memory issues so may not remember the songs, but 1-1 may be good if I can find a singing teacher for her.

She likes animals so will look into horse riding too, I think there's an RDA group in the next town.

She likes cooking and baking but is very impatient, constantly wanting to do the next step before finishing the one she's on, it's something we're working on.

How about "writing" stories?you could get her a digital voice recorder so she could tell stories into that and take photographs of different scenes she's set up. Of course she may prefer not to record them and that's fine too.

@PeppaPigWorld I second this. My daughter rides at a big riding school and we own a pony. It's a fantastic activity for kids and she will make lots of new friends if she sticks with it. Our riding school does many lessons for kids with various disabilities

A friend on my DCs does a weekly online art class that always looks fun, no comparing with other kids in the group and totally imaginative, would she enjoy something like that?

Oh OP- this could have been written about my youngest son. He is 11 now and always says he isnt good at anything. He is not very coordinated so not good at sports although he loves football, tried swimming but never got past level 2 and hated it, tried Beavers but begged to leave when he got to Cubs level. I strongly suspect ASD but weve been told that it isnt 'bad enough'to get any help although he is on the SEN register at school. However he LOVES animals and is really good at Geography - knows where all the countries are, so I am trying to encourage him in these areas. Keep trying new things till she finds 'her thing' xx

Alot of people who struggle academically or physically are very creative. She sounds creative going by your 3rd post.

A friend's child was similar but excels with animals, anything nature based etc.

Would you encourage art or photography, especially if she has an interest in animals and wildlife? Enter in some competitions with even telling her and see how it goes. Make a big deal about the stuff she does excel at e.g. you are very good with animals, they aren't frightened of you and they are comfortable with you. I wish I had that connection with them etc. You could get her to tell younger kids stories with her imagination, they would love it etc. encourage her imagination etc.

If you have an RDA near you that sounds perfect. She doesn’t have to ride. She can groom etc, walk the pony around and they can show her how to make the pony walk backwards, sideways etc.
If she does want to ride but find her hips hurt, then she could maybe try riding side saddle, or even try driving a pony and cart.

@NeverChange

Alot of people who struggle academically or physically are very creative. She sounds creative going by your 3rd post.

A friend's child was similar but excels with animals, anything nature based etc.

Would you encourage art or photography, especially if she has an interest in animals and wildlife? Enter in some competitions with even telling her and see how it goes. Make a big deal about the stuff she does excel at e.g. you are very good with animals, they aren't frightened of you and they are comfortable with you. I wish I had that connection with them etc. You could get her to tell younger kids stories with her imagination, they would love it etc. encourage her imagination etc.

You might have a point actually, her dad got a new rescue dog on a Monday after her weekend so it was almost 2 weeks before DD met him and he'd been so nervy before meeting her that ExH was worried about him being around DD, he apparently licked DD the first time he saw her and they're inseperable when she's there.

I have a cat who seems to like her too.

Will definitely look at horse riding.

You could be describing my DD, dyslexic, hyper mobile, hated school, really knocked her confidence. Rubbish at swimming, not a fan of Brownies
I tried to take her out as much as possible and let her achieve in other areas. She tried a bit of everything, rule was you have to try hard for at least a term.

You may find with her Ed Psyc report she will struggle with short term memory, take longer to grasp new concepts than 90% of the population but once she's got something she will understand it better than 90% generalisation obviously but it pays to keep trying till she cracks it.
The report may also hi light her strengths so you can support her in those areas.

Many things were tried gym, piano, riding etc but particular successes were Roller Skating, Skateboarding, PADI diving certificate at 12, Pole Vault she represented England under 16's in school trials, DJing and Photography.

She's now an automotive photographer post uni and very relieved to be out of education.

Very tough as a parent.

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

Then pay for private physio. That'll get her more confident so she isn't refusing to do anything. Hydrotherapy is really good. There's also a bit of first aid - she could become an expert ankle bandager, for example, which also encourages a more pragmatic approach, as she knows how to deal with it if it pings.

Otherwise she could spend her childhood sitting watching others have fun when she doesn't need to.

Stuff is going to hurt sometimes. My rib last dislocated sitting on the sofa, breathing. I swore, put it back, swore some more and then got on with my day, going to the gym in the evening to work on legs. If I'd followed the don't do anything you'll only hurt yourself mantra, my only skill in life would be using the toilet - and I've dislocated my shoulder wiping my arse before now, so I don't think that's even a guaranteed success. But I had less pain from the moment I started in the gym as an adult, free of the You Can't Do That With Your Joints.

Strengthening muscles stabilises joints. Strong muscles and more stable joints means less pain and better balance and control.

Orthotics and lots of tape are great, along with the occasional ice pack and paracetamol.

Does her dad treat her like a precious little doll? Sometimes the other parent can be a factor in things because they want them little and dependent, forgetting that it's not helping.

Book a private physio and they'll have the time to be able to give her confidence as well as exercises and techniques where she can be a little girl that doesn't think she's generally shit and a waste of space.

All of this My son is hypermobile and used to have pain in his knees, hips and ankles. Physio, orthotics and taping sorted him out. His hypermobility has never stopped him doing anything. He has over the years, played rugby, football, done 5k runs, a very athletic form of dance etc He is 18 now and plays football twice a week and walks everywhere, does his dance etc and never has pain. It is vitally important that she builds and strengthens her muscles as much as possible.

My idea was creating stories using voice recorder and then printing out. Maybe she could make a book and illustrate it.
Also l found working with dyslexic children reading about what they are interested in using sight words can build their confidence.
So with the new dog get a new notebook and begin to write little stories..you write and she reads.
Page 1 My dad got a new dog. She illustrates.
Add a new line on next page..keep to simple words.
Add in her name: Lucy and her dog are best friends.
Make it simple but fun . Maybe she could take photo and stick them in. Read back over the book.
Hard to describe here but l found this way of reading..away from books helps dyslexic children.
I have taught them successfully for years and obviously this is only one aspect but the personal story helps them to engage.
Maybe her dad could take her to dog training lessons as l think that dog could be a great help for her.

What about different forms of storytelling? Drawing cartoons, flip books, stop motion animation etc?

Also sort if related- coding club?

Would she enjoy musical theatre or similar? It would involve some dancing and physical exercise but not in such a structured way as gym or ballet.

Do you have any pets? Being responsible for an animal ( obviously you are really) gives self esteem as does responsibility for other small tasks.

If sewing and fine artwork is tricky for her maybe consider making collages together. If she enjoys play dates you’ll be very popular if you incorporate lovely activities like baking and crafting.

I'd definitely ask at some of the riding schools if they do pony management so she doesn't have to ride but has the contact with horses
i know our local horse rescue HAPPA does pony days and its no riding but grooming etc and at the end of the day the children get certificates etc

Is there any chance of you getting a Morrisby evaluation done for her? It's very big in France as there are so many disaffected children who don't fit in the educational system.
It doesn't mesure intelligence as such, but rather the different types of intelligence. Career analysts in London use it, but it's used by many local authorities. With the dyslexia it would je a bit tricky, but it may bé of help depending on the ways thé tests can bé administered.

@FindSomethingToHelp

Sometimes it can be more helpful tonoraise effort than achievement. Not everyone can or will be good at something, many people are average across rhe board at best. Rather then praise attainment (e.g. Well done for makingvit across the pool), let her know how much you enjoy watching her, being with her, how happy she makes you just by being alive. Comparison to others , or needing to be "good" at stuff might not be possiblenif she has more comolex developmental needa.

@TeenMinusTests

My DD is 17 and had the same issues and to be honest it was & is a big problem.

I would try to find some non competitive activities. DD did Wildlife Rangers with the local Wildlife Trust, it was the only activity she really stuck with, helped by only being monthly.
Another friend has reptiles and they are involved with their local reptile society taking them to shows etc.
I have heard good things about 'Woodland Folk' which sounds to me like a more inclusive version of cubs/brownies. It didn't run near us though.

It's the Woodcraft Folk and they used to have political (left) tendencies - not sire if they do now. Good activities though.

Would the riding not hurt her hips? I know a few people who have horses who'd probably let her groom them (obviously I'd ask them first and probably want them there anyway)

Dd2 is hyper mobile and rides. She loves it so much she doesn't complain about hips but does complain about hand pain and fidgets with her hands and arms. Not always ideal for the particular pony she rides but wouldn't be an issue with most riding school ponies who are a lot more push button. She's not the tidiest rider to look at but the sense of achievement it gives her is huge and is something she talks about at school all the time and makes her feel good as she's one for the very few who do it

Do you have a phone or tablet she could make videos of her dolls? Like make up plays and create all the sets and props too. There are apps for children that let you stitch together short clips into a longer video and add music, sound effects etc.

To add she doesn't sound like a candidate for RDA based on what you've said. A standard riding school should be fine. Most offer pony days etc in the holidays to learn grooming etc too

[quote Nootkah]@FindSomethingToHelp

Sometimes it can be more helpful tonoraise effort than achievement. Not everyone can or will be good at something, many people are average across rhe board at best. Rather then praise attainment (e.g. Well done for makingvit across the pool), let her know how much you enjoy watching her, being with her, how happy she makes you just by being alive. Comparison to others , or needing to be "good" at stuff might not be possiblenif she has more comolex developmental needa.[/quote]
I will definitely do this, she loves getting praise and often asks me to "tell me why you love me" so I can definitely let her know.

She is hilariously funny, even her teacher laughs at her, and she's very kind, when a girl didn't have a uniform to do her promise at Brownies DD lent hers to the girl.