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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What’s more important?

55 replies

StartingAllOverYetAgain · 05/12/2021 10:48

Dp and I have been together to around 7 months, we were having a chilled out relaxing morning yesterday when out of the blue dp asked who one of my friends was on social media. I answered by saying they were someone I’d met on tinder long before we were together. Admittedly there was an initial attraction between us and we had FaceTimed a couple of times through lockdown 1. Nothing came of it but we added each other on social media, we would occasionally chat on messenger or Instagram prior to meeting dp but nothing more than niceties, nothing flirtatious or anything like that, I guess I would class this person as a friend, nothing more. So, when I was asked who this person was I confirmed all this to dp, this led to a heated discussion that continued for the next 3-4 hours and in my eyes I believed we had resolved the issues, out of respect to dp and our current relationship I removed/deleted connections I had with this ‘friend’. I had spent the previous night at dps house and headed home to my place after our earlier discussion, we’d planned to meet up again that evening. When I arrived at dps house for the evening I was greeted with a rather frosty reception, there was very little physical connection between us at all last night to which I confronted dp, this in turn reignited the discussions we had ‘resolved’ earlier. We had been talking openly about things and tried to see things from the others’ pov if the shoe was on the other foot. Anyway, we were slowly getting things back on track between us but we were far from sorted. We were listening to some music when some dance tunes came on and dp said they ‘really needed a good night out’ at the local nightclub so I said they should go out and let their hair down. I said I would stay at dps house and look after their kids, I had bought dd over for a sleepover and dps kids were in bed already asleep. Admittedly, maybe slightly underhanded, I wanted to see whether dp thought we should resolve things or whether they would rather go out, get drunk and have a good night. Dp had gotten ready in like 5 minutes flat and was ready to call a cab, I asked ‘are you seriously heading out to the club?’ (btw, the time was now around 2am) to which the reply was ‘yes, but if you’d prefer me not to go I’ll stay home’. I know that I had ‘tricked’ dp by saying ‘yeah, go out’ but aibu in thinking they would rather go out and get drunk than sort out our problems. Dp agreed not to go out but to stay home and sort things out. This didn’t happen unfortunately but just created more friction between us leading to me and dd heading home at 3am. I am left wondering if this is the relationship for me or whether to cut my losses and walk away.

What are your thoughts please?

OP posts:
ChangeChingyChange · 05/12/2021 10:50

Oh dear what a mess. Such a shame you've already brought kids into this. 2am?! Who goes out at 2am?! He sounds deluded, jealous, ridiculous. End this now keep your child away.

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 05/12/2021 10:53

Run run run. This is not the relationship for you - there's far too much drama for being just 7months in.

Having a male friend who you were initially attracted to shouldn't result in hours of discussions, you should have to delete / remove a friend 'out of respect for your partner and relationship' and you definitely shouldn't be leaving with your dd at 3am because of arguments.

Definitely time to call it quits I think.

Tal45 · 05/12/2021 10:54

I don't think you should be taking your dd to stay at his house and then getting her up and taking her home at 3 o'clock in the morning because you've had a falling out. You've only been together a matter of months and it doesn't seem a particularly stable relationship as there's not much trust and you play games to test him. Who is he going clubbing with at 2am? It's just all very weird and I think you need to start concentrating on your daughter and not this.

citycitycity · 05/12/2021 10:56

Cut your losses - he sounds manipulative

UnLunDun · 05/12/2021 10:57

A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect and trust. It shouldn’t be this hard. Also, I wouldn’t even put my adult children in a situation where we may have to leave for home at 3am, ever, let alone younger ones. (You don’t state her age but I’m presuming under eighteen?). When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Poptart4 · 05/12/2021 10:59

7 months and you have already introduced your children to each other and are having sleep overs with them!? I'll never understand people like you.

Back to the point, YABU to tell him to go out and then complain when he takes you at your word. He was being unreasonable for starting a fight over your Facebook friend and keeping it going even after you deleted him. He sounds like an insecure dick.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 05/12/2021 11:00

You're nuts. Babysitting somebody else's children, playing games, arguing for hours about random you've talked to online a couple of times, dragging your own kid along for the ride. Nuts.

thedevilinablackdress · 05/12/2021 11:06

Looking at it from the other side, if I had a newish BF who kept in touch with a recent almost-fling, I might feel uncomfortable.
The rest of it however, is ridiculous. And keep your children or of it!

Merryoldgoat · 05/12/2021 11:07

Ignoring the ill-advised family blending so early on, this guy is a twat.

I don’t even know who’s on my DH’s social media, a couple of his exes came to our wedding and knows several people I’ve been with prior to him and that I’m still in touch with.

An argument lasting days is entirely ridiculous.

The game playing is also ridiculous but predictable when you end up in a relationship with a manipulative man like this.

FOJN · 05/12/2021 11:09

The whole relationship sounds toxic.

He wouldn't let go of an issue and you were testing his committment to resolve things by saying one things and meaning another. I hope you can see you're as bad as each other.

Introducing your children at such an early stage seems a bit premature but taking your child home at 3am because you've had a disagreement is appalling. You could have slept separately and left this morning but you woke your child to prove a point and this morning you are asking the internet which one of you is in the wrong.

You are adults, sort it out between yourselves, your children deserve more consideration.

Cam2020 · 05/12/2021 11:12

The whole story is fucked up from start to finish.

Ditch him and don't be so hasty to get so involved next time.

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 05/12/2021 11:12

So did you get your DD out of bed at 3am to take her home?? Christ on a bike. You both sound immature, and such a shame you've already dragged kids into this. Just cut your losses and maybe next time don't involve your DC in your relationship until you're sure it's stable.

ImInStealthMode · 05/12/2021 11:13

God what a mess. Before I even start on the rest of it your poor DD was being dragged around the place at 3am? Christ.

This sounds like one big chaotic immature drama. 3-4 hours of heated discussion over a social media connection and it still wasn't resolved? Tricking him into giving an answer you could then use as ammunition against him? Going out at 2am and leaving his kids with someone he barely knows? Fuck all of that.

Please draw a line here, move on from this kind of unhealthy relationship and next time make sure everyone's kids are left out of it until much further down the line.

AdaColeman · 05/12/2021 11:15

You both sound like game players.

WorriedGiraffe · 05/12/2021 11:17

YA both U, I’d cut my losses and focus on my child personally. You set the guy up to fail and then dragged your daughter out at 3am, he’s petty and jealous, you are petty also.

inkworks273 · 05/12/2021 11:17

He sounds quite toxic. I don't think there was any need for you to delete anyone from your social media. We all have a past. The fact that he cares/is jealous of someone you have on social media is a red flag imo. If you told him there was nothing going on, that this person was just a friend and that you don't even talk to them anymore, that should have been enough for him.

Having to wake your child at 3am to take her home should also be a wake up call for you. We have to put our children first before anything else. If you decide to stay with this guy i definitely wouldn't be doing anymore sleepovers for a long time.

Kbyodjs · 05/12/2021 11:19

Why on earth did you trick him like that? For one thing that’s not ok and neither is having to take your child home at 3am after an argument. You purposefully caused that argument.
Secondly the first argument was really blown up anyway; that shouldn’t have needed 3-4 hours discussion in the first place.
I’d step back from this relationship asap

MasterBeth · 05/12/2021 11:23

This is not what a healthy relationship looks like and it’s certainly no way to bring up kids.

Bluntness100 · 05/12/2021 11:27

Once again, what’s wrong with people assuming the op is female and her partner male, the op is written deliberately to keep it gender neutral

BeaMends · 05/12/2021 11:28

This same issue is going to continue to raise its ugly head over and over again.

You know it's not right, and you really only have one option, don't you?

sammylady37 · 05/12/2021 11:31

Christ, those poor kids being dragged into this shit show.

blacksax · 05/12/2021 11:32

It is surprising just how many posters have jumped to the conclusion that the OP is female and the DP is male, when the OP has been very careful to not mention it.

My answer would be the same though. This relationship is not going anywhere.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 05/12/2021 11:35

Why on earth are you taking your child round to the house of someone you've been with for such little time? And your partner allowing you to look after their children alone after only 7 months together? Piss poor parenting on both sides.

Partner sounds childish. I'd end it.

SickAndTiredAgain · 05/12/2021 11:39

This whole story is ridiculous. They are seriously overreacting to a friend on social media, and the “trick” of saying they should go out as a way to test whether they would is immature.

FOJN · 05/12/2021 11:43

It is surprising just how many posters have jumped to the conclusion that the OP is female and the DP is male, when the OP has been very careful to not mention it.

True but the majority of MN users are female so it's not an unreasonable assumption. It really doesn't matter whether the OP is male or female, in a straight or same sex relationship; both parties need to grow up and prioritise their children.