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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What’s more important?

55 replies

StartingAllOverYetAgain · 05/12/2021 10:48

Dp and I have been together to around 7 months, we were having a chilled out relaxing morning yesterday when out of the blue dp asked who one of my friends was on social media. I answered by saying they were someone I’d met on tinder long before we were together. Admittedly there was an initial attraction between us and we had FaceTimed a couple of times through lockdown 1. Nothing came of it but we added each other on social media, we would occasionally chat on messenger or Instagram prior to meeting dp but nothing more than niceties, nothing flirtatious or anything like that, I guess I would class this person as a friend, nothing more. So, when I was asked who this person was I confirmed all this to dp, this led to a heated discussion that continued for the next 3-4 hours and in my eyes I believed we had resolved the issues, out of respect to dp and our current relationship I removed/deleted connections I had with this ‘friend’. I had spent the previous night at dps house and headed home to my place after our earlier discussion, we’d planned to meet up again that evening. When I arrived at dps house for the evening I was greeted with a rather frosty reception, there was very little physical connection between us at all last night to which I confronted dp, this in turn reignited the discussions we had ‘resolved’ earlier. We had been talking openly about things and tried to see things from the others’ pov if the shoe was on the other foot. Anyway, we were slowly getting things back on track between us but we were far from sorted. We were listening to some music when some dance tunes came on and dp said they ‘really needed a good night out’ at the local nightclub so I said they should go out and let their hair down. I said I would stay at dps house and look after their kids, I had bought dd over for a sleepover and dps kids were in bed already asleep. Admittedly, maybe slightly underhanded, I wanted to see whether dp thought we should resolve things or whether they would rather go out, get drunk and have a good night. Dp had gotten ready in like 5 minutes flat and was ready to call a cab, I asked ‘are you seriously heading out to the club?’ (btw, the time was now around 2am) to which the reply was ‘yes, but if you’d prefer me not to go I’ll stay home’. I know that I had ‘tricked’ dp by saying ‘yeah, go out’ but aibu in thinking they would rather go out and get drunk than sort out our problems. Dp agreed not to go out but to stay home and sort things out. This didn’t happen unfortunately but just created more friction between us leading to me and dd heading home at 3am. I am left wondering if this is the relationship for me or whether to cut my losses and walk away.

What are your thoughts please?

OP posts:
ImInStealthMode · 05/12/2021 11:50

@Bluntness100

Once again, what’s wrong with people assuming the op is female and her partner male, the op is written deliberately to keep it gender neutral
Yep, hands up I did, but the much higher percentage of women using Mumsnet leads to natural assumption that OP is female.

Perhaps I took possessiveness, ability and desire to get ready for clubbing at 2am in 5 minutes flat, and willingness to leave sleeping children with a new partner as Male traits. My bad if I'm wrong.

courtshoe · 05/12/2021 11:53

Stupid, immature behaviour all round. Wise up

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 05/12/2021 11:53

@Bluntness100

Once again, what’s wrong with people assuming the op is female and her partner male, the op is written deliberately to keep it gender neutral
Because on MN only men can be possessive blah blah blah Hmm

(Sarcasm)

Notimeforaname · 05/12/2021 11:56

Please stop carting your child around to houses at mad hours of the morning.

blacksax · 05/12/2021 13:52

@FOJN

It is surprising just how many posters have jumped to the conclusion that the OP is female and the DP is male, when the OP has been very careful to not mention it.

True but the majority of MN users are female so it's not an unreasonable assumption. It really doesn't matter whether the OP is male or female, in a straight or same sex relationship; both parties need to grow up and prioritise their children.

Yes, but the OP took considerable pains to avoid mentioning it, which the majority of posters don't do.

And as you will see from the remainder of my post (which you didn't quote), I did say that my advice would be the same regardless.

Restart10 · 05/12/2021 13:57

Very irresponsible of you to be doing this to your dd. 7 months in, playing games trying to trick each other, bringing kids for sleepovers and then taking them home at 3am?

Shoxfordian · 05/12/2021 14:04

Sounds like a toxic relationship

DriftingPlateTectonic · 05/12/2021 15:08

What an absolute fucking shambles

Idontevenknow · 05/12/2021 15:15

Doesn't sound healthy from either of you, too much drama and mind games

EdgeOfTheSky · 05/12/2021 15:28

Massive red flag for control and jealousy, making that fuss about an acquaintance on SM.

Indicator on unhealthy relationship and communication, your ‘trap’.

Poor boundaries: bringing kids into this after 7 months.

Do yourself a favour. Finish the relationship. And develop some boundaries.

cheeseislife8 · 05/12/2021 15:35

Saying they can/should go out while you offer to look after the DC then kicking off when they accept the offer is ridiculous.

And dragging your DD around at 3am? Hmm

catfunk · 05/12/2021 15:36

You both sound nuts op. They are possessive and you're playing games and trying to trick them. Grow up and stop dragging kids into this nonsense.

5keletor · 05/12/2021 15:41

Sorry but I've just focused on your poor daughter being woken and taken home at 3am, that's ridiculous. You both sound too immature for a relationship at the moment, and dragging kids into the bickering is a bad idea.

Suzanne999 · 05/12/2021 15:48

He is punishing you for occasionally talking to a person you might have gone out with over a year ago… Does that sound reasonable to you?
Would you object to him saying hi to someone in a club/ restaurant/ street if he recognised them from a year before you met?
IMO his behaviour is unreasonable, immature and hints at control. I’d walk away now.

Derrymum123 · 05/12/2021 15:54

Run for the hills and don't look back. This is toxic and will not be great for the children involved.

icedcoffees · 05/12/2021 15:57

Both of you behaved appallingly, but the fact that you woke your child at 3am to take them home is disgusting, tbh.

simpledeer · 05/12/2021 15:58

Way too much tedious drama.

Bin him and move on.

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 05/12/2021 16:05

@cheeseislife8

Saying they can/should go out while you offer to look after the DC then kicking off when they accept the offer is ridiculous.

And dragging your DD around at 3am? Hmm

Yeah all of this.

When I see threads like this it makes me glad I'm single!

JollyHolly30 · 05/12/2021 16:22

How did you leave things when you left?
Dragging your daughter out of bed was wrong. You shouldn't be having dramas like this only 7 months in.

queenMab99 · 05/12/2021 16:36

For some reason, I presumed it was a same sex relationship, I think it might have been because of children being involved so soon, it doesn't initially seem such a mistake to do that in a same sex relationship. However I am now questioning why I should think it is any different.

Sn0tnose · 05/12/2021 16:36

I’m not going to sugar coat this. I think both of you sound utterly toxic and neither of you are fit to be in a relationship with each other or anyone else.

Your partner is controlling and jealous of a vague acquaintance you’ve never actually met. You’re playing mind games and ‘tricking’ them to see if they make the correct choice. And both of you are doing this in front of your children. You’ve dragged your DD out of bed at 3am and made her walk home. You should both be absolutely fucking ashamed of yourselves. Do either of you understand that the welfare of your children is supposed to come before your sex lives?

RealBecca · 05/12/2021 16:40

Your relationship is an absolute car crash on so many levels.

End for the sake of all the kids.

7 months is too soon to meet kids amd do sleepovers, frosty treatment is designed to get you cak im line. The fact hes happy to let you look after his kids so soon is wrong.

RealBecca · 05/12/2021 16:41

Taking your dd home at 3am is disgraceful.

RealBecca · 05/12/2021 16:43

And taking her home at 3am im sure youll try to justify as his fault. The only way taking her home then would be acceptable would be fleeing from potential violence, in which case you wouldnt even be posting her, youd be an (almost) responsible parent and reporting him and never seeing him again. You shouldnt be introducing kids, never mond sleepover and happy families at 7 months.

Vallmo47 · 05/12/2021 16:55

This story is awful, poor poor kids.