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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not mind having majority custody?

63 replies

Majoritycustody · 04/12/2021 17:53

Split with my child's dad when she was 18 months. He was a covert gambler and I now believe he almost groomed me tbh.
He's good with her but tends to have her on his own terms ie he'll have her 3 night some weeks then not for 2 weeks which infuriates me. He also has issues doing weekends. Anyway she's due at school in September and we've decided he'll do 1 in 4 weekends and 1 to 2 nights a week on regular nights. Aibu to not mind having majority custody?

OP posts:
Blahdyblahbla · 04/12/2021 17:59

I don't understand, why would you mind?

babywalker2 · 04/12/2021 18:00

Erm, from what you've said, I wouldn't be leaving my child with him at all.

Original poster
Majoritycustody · 04/12/2021 18:00

Because I'm doing alot more than him? My mate said its unfair but I feel like my child needs a residence whilst she's at school and I want it to be here.

OP posts:
MrsPleasant · 04/12/2021 18:10

What an odd post. Do you want a medal for parenting your child? It is quite common that one parent has the majority of the time with the child/ren.

Original poster
Majoritycustody · 04/12/2021 18:13

No i don't want a medal. I know so insist on 50/50 that's all. This place is odd.

OP posts:
Blahdyblahbla · 04/12/2021 18:54

I can't imagine not being desperate for majority custody. 😕 I'm confused why anyone would not want their child at least 50% of the time.

Original poster
Majoritycustody · 04/12/2021 19:07

Apparently I should push for him for more. I don't want to.

OP posts:
RosieGuacamosie · 04/12/2021 19:08

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t want majority custody. I’m amazed you think this is unusual.

NowEvenBetter · 04/12/2021 19:09

Great. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Gazelda · 04/12/2021 19:10

If that works for you, and it suits your DC, then it's no one else's business.

audweb · 04/12/2021 19:11

I think as long as the contact is regular then it’s fine to have majority custody. My ex is unreliable, and I genuinely do not think it would be in our kids best interests to force 50 50, so I don’t. It’s not that he doesn’t love her, but he’s not got his life together to provide responsible sustained childcare. However, i do push for regular, even if not frequent contact.

name528 · 04/12/2021 19:13

I would be focusing on what's best for the child. If he has problems which might have a detrimental effect on her I would be only too pleased to have her with me most of the time.
A worry which stops some women leaving a poor relationship is that their child will be spending time alone with a parent who won't look after them well.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 04/12/2021 19:15

50/50 seems a lot more common on mumsnet than in real life.. I don’t know anyone who actually who does it and I’m not really sure how it works on a practical level. I have my ds the majority of the time.. his dad does every other weekend plus maybe four holiday weeks per year, including every other Christmas. I definitely wouldn’t want it to be more than that. I also do all the mental load stuff, and he only started paying cms recently (well he didn’t pay, so now they’re taking it out of his wages).
Don’t feel you should be pushing for more if you and your dd are happy, just to fit someone’s idea of fair

furbabymama87 · 04/12/2021 19:17

I have 100% custody of my kids from previous relationships and have always done so. Their dads weren't interested. If they had been in their lives and inconsistent like yours I'd not allow that to happen. I can imagine it could be confusing and unstable for the kids. I'm happy with the way things worked out. Better no dad than a shit one. And I went on to get married and he's a brilliant dad to them so all worked out for the best.

unicornsarereal72 · 04/12/2021 19:17

My dd goes one night a fortnight. And that has only been consistent because there is a new girlfriend in tow. (Long may it last). I believe it has been researched that some children fair better when they have one main home. With nrp home has space/room of their own.

Fet2021duejuly2022 · 04/12/2021 19:18

I think it’s odd leaving a child with a man who has a gambling problem

Northernlurker · 04/12/2021 19:20

Is he paying what he should? I'd go through his wages if I were you, you need the money before he gambled it away.
Eventually he will make noises about fifty/fifty btw. They all seem to do that. Either when they click you don't pay if that's the case OR when they get a new girlfriend and she tells them that.

ThePoisonousMushroom · 04/12/2021 19:23

@RosieGuacamosie

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t want majority custody. I’m amazed you think this is unusual.
A lot of men obviously don’t, which is why they only see their children every other weekend (for example).
arethereanyleftatall · 04/12/2021 19:31

Does he not pay you maintenance op? Is that why you're detailing that you don't mind?

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/12/2021 19:33

It’s better for your child if the contact schedule is regular and reliable. You can’t make him have her when he doesn’t want to but less often and more reliable is surely better. How can anyone make plans if none of you know where she’s going to be?

She’s your child, you love her, of course you want to be with her as much as possible. I’m sure you know that’s not in any way remarkable.

CiaoForDiNiaoSaur · 04/12/2021 19:35

Why would you mind? I'd hate not having my dc the majority of the time. Although of course I'd suck it up if their father wanted to see them more. He doesn't. Pre covid my ex saw the DC for approx 6 hours per week. He's seen them about 5 times since lockdown1, for about 1 hour a time.

Whatinthelord · 04/12/2021 19:37

If he’s a problem gambler I’d be wary of the impact of that on your child.

it’s good you’ve planned ahead for school.

Personally I think for most children a main residence with regular contact with their other parent is better than 50/50.

Aimee1987 · 04/12/2021 19:43

I'm an advocate of 50 50. I think it can be of great benifit to the child however it only works in certain cases, ie. where there is a stable home environment in both homes.
In the senario you describe I dont think it's in her best interest.
Also your idea to standardise the week will help her. DSS had a calander both at mums and here to help him keep track of what days hes in what house but we also put any plans ect on ours so he knew what was happening when.

Garysmum · 04/12/2021 19:45

@RosieGuacamosie

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t want majority custody. I’m amazed you think this is unusual.
Me kind of. I have one teen who we allowed decide where they want the majority of time, he chose dad so I am happy with that. He has severe MH issues and is an old teen so able to consider this. The younger DC we have 50:50
Thehop · 04/12/2021 19:46

I wouldn’t be letting her stay with him at all until he made some changes.