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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not mind having majority custody?

63 replies

Majoritycustody · 04/12/2021 17:53

Split with my child's dad when she was 18 months. He was a covert gambler and I now believe he almost groomed me tbh.
He's good with her but tends to have her on his own terms ie he'll have her 3 night some weeks then not for 2 weeks which infuriates me. He also has issues doing weekends. Anyway she's due at school in September and we've decided he'll do 1 in 4 weekends and 1 to 2 nights a week on regular nights. Aibu to not mind having majority custody?

OP posts:
LJAKS · 04/12/2021 19:47

I'd kill for 100% custody but as it stands I've got her 13/14 nights which is good enough. I don't dislike her dad and he's not a problematic parent as such, just had his own priorities and I have mine, which is DD, always.

girlmom21 · 04/12/2021 19:48

My mother was a shit parent and had us every other weekend (mostly) and half the time we were our older brother babysat.

I'd rather have been with my DF the majority of the time.

Starlightstarbright1 · 04/12/2021 19:50

I think the main thing you shouldn't be doing is insisting.

Find out what he wants .. don't bother insisting on more. I wouldn't want my child where he isn't wanted.

Keep you friends out of it.

I agree with the poster i know one damily dad insisted on 50/ 50 within a year it was down to one night a week

Original poster
Majoritycustody · 04/12/2021 20:42

He pays maintenance and its a good amount. I think he pays that because he knows I do the lions share and the mental load. He's not asked about what school she going to I brought it up and told him where I was applying so he can't moan down the line. He's never asked for Xmas although he does see her Xmas morning if he's not working. This year he's doing Xmas eve.

OP posts:
uneffingbelievable · 04/12/2021 20:47

Sorry - am i missing something.
He will do 1 weekend a month - so you have 3
He does 1/2 nights during the week so max 8 weekdays and you do the rest.

You have the majority - she has a stable residence with you.

Not sure what you are getting at tbh

Superstar22 · 04/12/2021 20:50

As others have said, I would be absolutely devastated at not having my children all the time. My DH is a wonderful father in every way. He’s a 50/50 parent every day, all the day, and if anything where to happen between us, I know he’d want them half the time. But my god, I’d be devastated and would want them out of my house the least possible time (even though of course it’s fair he sees them/ he’s wonderful).

Don’t “push” for more just to make it “fair”.

Floralnomad · 04/12/2021 20:53

50:50 custody isn’t the norm , the norm IME is every other weekend and maybe a night in the week .

Thinkbiglittleone · 04/12/2021 20:54

@Majoritycustody, I completely understand what you mean.

You hear all the time of how you should be making the man do 50/50 and not let them take advantage by you doing all the childcare, he should be doing more weekends its his child was well.
Also lots of women say their child's father shocks have 50/50 custody as they need a break/rest.

It's absolutely fine that you don't want a break and you are more than happy to have your DC for the majority of the time.

IncompleteSenten · 04/12/2021 20:56

What matters is that everyone is happy with the area cement and the child's best interests are placed at the centre and she knows she is loved by both her parents.
Whatever works, works. It's going to be different for everyone. Don't worry about your friends comments

IncompleteSenten · 04/12/2021 20:57

Area cement ? Hmm
Arrangement.

Thatsplentyjack · 04/12/2021 20:59

Why would it be any of your friends business? Sounds like the arrangement suits everyone so tell the friend to keep her nose out.

Willyoujustbequiet · 04/12/2021 21:24

I have 100% as exdh is a deadbeat who struggles with 10 minutes a month. I couldn't imagine not wanting 100% though.

Darkpheonix · 04/12/2021 21:32

Your friend thinks your should mind having a set up that you feel works for you and your dd? Before you have even tried it?

I mean, I wouldn't expect him to stick to it. But your friend is odd.

I have majority care. Never occurred to me to think about wether I mind or not.

It used to be 50:50. As the kids got older it was clear they would be best here more. They chose to spend less and less time with their dad, cause he is shit. Dd is almost 18 and doesn't bother with him.

My mum, my kids nana, died on Thursday. His response was 'oh'. And then told ds he would keep his phone on but he is working alot so many not answer. Dd just rolled her eyes. The kids were very close to mum and he can't even be there for them now. Just an example of why they prefer to be with me.

They slowly asked for more time with me and it was a no brainer.

crystal1717 · 04/12/2021 21:34

I am very happy to have my child as much as possible. Your tale is like the parable of the mother in the bible.

You want your child's best interests. I bet your friend doesn't have any DC.

Original poster
Majoritycustody · 04/12/2021 21:39

[quote Thinkbiglittleone]@Majoritycustody, I completely understand what you mean.

You hear all the time of how you should be making the man do 50/50 and not let them take advantage by you doing all the childcare, he should be doing more weekends its his child was well.
Also lots of women say their child's father shocks have 50/50 custody as they need a break/rest.

It's absolutely fine that you don't want a break and you are more than happy to have your DC for the majority of the time.

[/quote]
This is what I'm saying ! My mate thinks he should do more but I don't want him to and he doesn't want to

OP posts:
Thinkbiglittleone · 04/12/2021 21:55

This is what I'm saying ! My mate thinks he should do more but I don't want him to and he doesn't want to

The fact you don't want him to is fine.
However your child should ideally grow up feeling loved by its mother and father, so it will be best for your child if the father can get his shit together and be a decent father, if you can help facilitate that for your child, that would be a bonus as they get older.

Original poster
Majoritycustody · 04/12/2021 22:16

He thinks he's a marvelous father !

OP posts:
TurnUpTurnip · 04/12/2021 22:37

Ime MOST women want majority residency , so not sure why you think it’s unusual? Personally I really like the sound of 50/50 but not with someone like your ex but I wouldn’t mind 50/50 if the man was a good dad.

Original poster
Majoritycustody · 04/12/2021 23:25

Other dads I know seem to do more. My relative does 2 nights every week and every other ,sometimes 3 out of 4 weekends. Lots of men I know are like this

OP posts:
Lightswitch123 · 04/12/2021 23:30

@babywalker2

Erm, from what you've said, I wouldn't be leaving my child with him at all.
This. Plus your friend sounds awful.
ShinyGreenElephant · 04/12/2021 23:37

Not mind? I cant imagine not being desperate for majority custody. What an odd post

Lime37 · 05/12/2021 05:52

Does your drawing have children?? Most prenatal I know want to keep there kids for more time not less it’s odd she dosnt think that unless she’s child free

YourenutsmiLord · 05/12/2021 06:05

I've seen many posts where mothers have said they've grown to love their childfree weekends - socialising , chance to meet new partners, so I get what your saying. But Dd is still young, maybe revise things in the future- is he paying child maintenance?

CommanderBurnham · 05/12/2021 10:00

It's not about who does what, the starting point is whats best for the child?? If your arrangement is working for you then just tell your friend to mind her own.

TinselTitsAndGlitteryBits · 05/12/2021 15:08

I don't know anyone who doesn't want majority custody of their child.

Parents are usually over the moon if the court decides they can have their child most of the time.

It causes so much angst in child arrangements, sorting out birthdays/Christmas/holidays.. one parent always misses out at least once a year.

I'd be grateful you didn't have a battle on your hands to be honest.