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AIBU?

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Original poster

Does anyone else feel like they've married the wrong person?

89 replies

FelineFan · 04/12/2021 08:37

I've been with DH for 15 years. We have 3 children. I am ashamed to say that I got with him because noone else had ever really taken an interest me and he was nice and kind. I thought I would never be able to find anyone so when he asked me out I said yes. I'm very shy and awkward - noone would be interested in me.

Over the years we've been through various ups and downs and I feel like he's not the one for me. Life isn't horrendous or anything but I feel so lonely being with him. He isn't what I want in a husband and I just didn't really realise at the time. I just rushed into reality making the relationship work.

I don't want to leave him but wondered if anyone else is in the same relationship.

I find myself noticing other couples and how they are with each other and children and it breaks my heart. I daydream of another life and I can't even watch a romcom anymore without feeling sad .

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 04/12/2021 09:09

Romcoms aren't real life though. Someone being nice and kind isn't a bad reason to choose them as a partner and father for your dc.

But it sounds like there is something you want that you aren't getting from your relationship. Do you know what that is? Would relationship counselling help?

Shoxfordian · 04/12/2021 09:11

Why don’t you want to leave him when he’s not what you want in a husband? Life’s too short to be unhappy

Fritilleries · 04/12/2021 09:13

I feel sad when i look at my husband's expanding waistline and double chin.

Delphinna · 04/12/2021 09:15

You don’t have to love someone to live with them and raise children. Also you have to think what are the chances you would meet someone else as a middle aged mum with three kids? Even if you met a compatible man he’s unlikely to sign up for raising three kids that aren’t his. I understand the feeling of wanting love but some of us are in a situation where that’s just not a realistic desire.

Whitegrenache · 04/12/2021 09:15

I feel the bit the same.

Lovely lovely man but not a great talker so I socialise far more with my friends and satisfy that part of my life separately

I can't be bothered to sell out beautiful hone and upset the kids for feeling a bit meh about our relationship

I know others will say - life's to short etc but I'm generally not Unhappy

Heruka · 04/12/2021 09:15

Oh this is sad. I can do relate to that feeling - I would have married the man I was with at 25 because I felt the same way as you, thought that was my best offer. But then he cheated on me and put an end to that, and I was free to mature and discover some self esteem and know that I had more varied choices. I fortunately did find the right man for me, but like pp says god it is hard work at times and not like a romcom. But it sounds like you feel in your bones this isn’t right, and that’s that. You could think about counselling or things to help communication to see if the relationship can be salvaged, if you want to. Have you told him any of how you feel?

Whitegrenache · 04/12/2021 09:17

Oh and I know he loves me and the kids and I love him but I just don't fancy him anymore..:Sad

BirminghamWildlifeAdvocate · 04/12/2021 12:19

f

Skysblue · 04/12/2021 15:00

Romcoms are fiction and they’re so popular precisely because real men don’t behave like that. Same with romance novels.

But it does siund to me like you’re feeling unloved and unloving and not getting your needs met in the relationship. Or it could just be typical midlife regrets which most of us have, either about choosing the wrong person or missed opportunities or having children or not having them... So the question is whether you actually want to change anything in your life and if so what that might be.

I do think that in general men get less and less romantic/affectionate/chatty, certainly mine seems to feel that was stuff he had to do to get a wife and now he has one so why bother when an iPhone is so much more interesting. Then he wonders why our sex life isn’t it what it used to be 🤔

Hamjamwich · 04/12/2021 15:10

Yes. His parents passed away a full year ago and our house is a mess with their things. The spare room could be a nice space for DS but it's full of clutter. We have a door laid on its side on our kitchen floor, so only one person can sit down to a meal. I said I would like a composite door, he insisted on a wood door.We cannot get it painted due to bad weather, so I'm really puzzled about how we will eat Christmas dinner 😡 he's been wfh since covid and our living room is a mess with his papers. I cannot relax in my own living room when he is working. He has a bad temper and unfortunately DS has randomly started telling him to shut up. He won't swop his car for a 4 door one, so poor ds is crushed in the back with his long legs. However, he often speaks about changing his car with no actual intention of doing so. He won't give DS any lifts, even when it's pouring rain (might not get parked back on the road).
He won't allow DS to have his playstation in his room but constantly complains about the noise

Movingsoon21 · 04/12/2021 15:16

Yes I feel like this. I want someone who is crazy about me and DH just isn’t / never has been. When I bring it up he says of course he loves me, but that’s not the same as being truly head over heels for someone.

Truth is I had been dating unsuccessfully for ten years, all my friends were settling down and I really liked him so I decided to “settle” for someone who I knew was settling by being with me Sad

I don’t regret it as I don’t think I would have met anyone else but I do regularly get upset wishing I had that special someone. Maybe we will split one day and that will happen but we won’t split for quite a while yet as I want to feel I’ve truly given it my all.

Chely · 04/12/2021 15:19

Get some marriage counselling and see it it helps. If not then part ways.

StrongerOrWeaker · 04/12/2021 15:19

Even if you found someone special, chances are it would all wane after a few years and you would be back to square one. Well, this is how I feel. I know others will disagree.

fedup078 · 04/12/2021 15:20

Yes and pretty much for the same reasons as you I'm ashamed to say
We are now separated
However it was due to his addictions not because there was no spark on my part
If things had been ok otherwise I think we couple have had a nice life and been happy. I know I'll probably never be with anyone I feel that spark for anyway . It happened twice and they both tore my heart out

pigsDOfly · 04/12/2021 15:22

I married the wrong man. Had 3 children with him and stuck it out for 20 years.

I understand completely how lonely it can feel to be in a relationship like yours OP.

For me it wasn't about finding someone else or wanting a 'romcom' I would like to have had someone who was right for me who wanted to be with me - we spent very little time doing things as a family as his several hobbies too priority over our children and me.

As it turned out I didn't remarry because I was happy with the children on my own; children are all in their late 30s/40s now and I live by myself; no problem with that.

Life's short, and if you're lonely and unhappy, it short and miserable and frankly what's the point. Why stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy.

VladmirsPoutine · 04/12/2021 15:27

How long have you been feeling like this? Are you wondering of a life that could have otherwise been?

I'm not going to say leave him as life's too short etc because only you know the practicalities of it all, but it might be worth seeking some counselling and treading carefully.

DeepaBeesKit · 04/12/2021 15:28

People who say they no longer "fancy" their DH..... the thing is, you are ageing. A lot of those "romcom" feelings and behaviours are quite lust & hormone driven, and the reality is you are unlikely to replicate them between say, a perimenopausal woman and a man who is thinning on top and thickening in the middle.

A lifetime marriage is going to reach a point where one or both of you is fundamentally old, probably needing care, not sex.

It really depends what you want. More fun for now? Or something longer term, in which case be prepared for the fact that our bodies generally last our sex/lust drive and we have to live with what's left.

StrongerOrWeaker · 04/12/2021 15:28

PS. I totally sympathise you didn't get that whirlwind romance but I am pretty sure not all do. ( I didnt)

Ohjustboreoff · 04/12/2021 15:31

Yes OP I know exactly how you feel. I got together with my DH because I had just got out of a long relationship that I thought was going somewhere but didn't. I was late 30's and he wanted marriage and children asap.
We didn't have time to get to know each other, we have nothing in common. He is rather selfish and a bit of a snob. We are living nearly separate lives but I can't leave him as the children are still very young and I love our home.

tunainatin · 04/12/2021 15:37

To be honest marrying someone because they're nice and kind is a pretty good decision. Sadly those are not common traits. If he still is nice and kind, and there is respect between you, is there stuff the two of you can do to connect more as people? And are there other areas of life can can gain satisfaction such as friends or work?

Thymeout · 04/12/2021 15:48

Don't break up your marriage just because you're yearning after excitement and novelty. I look at my retired couple friends and they've all been through tough times when they might have ended their relationship, for much more compelling reasons than you have. It's the ones who stuck with it who are leading the better lives now. And that goes for their now grown up dcs, too.

Just for balance.

Atemyhat · 04/12/2021 15:54

As a single person I genuinely find this difficult to understand. Why would you commit yourself to somebody for life and compromise for them day in day out if you don’t love them? Wouldn't being alone be better?
There are many many people who I DO love very much (my sisters for example) but I still wouldn’t want to live with. If you want to stay with him - are you quite sure that you don’t love him?

Original poster
FelineFan · 04/12/2021 15:59

I don't want to leave. I have young children and life would be extremely hard on my own, financially and just doing it all on my own. Maybe when the kids are older and I feel confident I can live on my own then but for now it is not something I would consider.

A few of you have mentioned that your DPs don't talk much and that is one of my main issues. We literally can go weeks without having a decent conversation, it's just essential day to day necessary communication. Everyday I ask him how work was and I just get a monosyllabic answer of fine, busy, usual. I don't it exasperating.

I find him to be quite moody too and he withdraws into himself and I just get a silent wall. I find it really hard work. He does help out with the kids but he never spends time with them or does anything with them. It's me that ends up going out with the kids alone.

I don't know if poor communication is something quite common in men but it has gone worse over the years.

OP posts:
Original poster
FelineFan · 04/12/2021 16:08

@Stompythedinosaur

Romcoms aren't real life though. Someone being nice and kind isn't a bad reason to choose them as a partner and father for your dc.

But it sounds like there is something you want that you aren't getting from your relationship. Do you know what that is? Would relationship counselling help?

That's a good question and I haven't really thought about what I want. I know I am feeling unhappy and that's it. I do feel unloved and I too am not loving him the way I could / would. I can't even reply back when he says he loves me.

I have discussed this issue before and from his perspective he is content and loves me and there's not really a priblem. We don't really get anywhere and nothing changes when we talk about it so I don't bring it up anymore.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/12/2021 16:17

Hmmm from your first post I thought maybe he is lovely but just not right for you (I'm assuming you name changed and the later posts are yours as well)

But later on how you've described him he sounds generally lazy and selfish eg not wanting your son to have his gaming stuff in his room but then getting annoyed at the noise, refusing to give him lifts everywhere, being grumpy etc....I think most people would find this difficult to live with, it sounds like he is treating his son as an inconvenience rather than someone he wants around and most people would find this hurtful

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