Does anyone else feel like they've married the wrong person?

[FelineFan]

I've been with DH for 15 years. We have 3 children. I am ashamed to say that I got with him because noone else had ever really taken an interest me and he was nice and kind. I thought I would never be able to find anyone so when he asked me out I said yes. I'm very shy and awkward - noone would be interested in me.

Over the years we've been through various ups and downs and I feel like he's not the one for me. Life isn't horrendous or anything but I feel so lonely being with him. He isn't what I want in a husband and I just didn't really realise at the time. I just rushed into reality making the relationship work.

I don't want to leave him but wondered if anyone else is in the same relationship.

I find myself noticing other couples and how they are with each other and children and it breaks my heart. I daydream of another life and I can't even watch a romcom anymore without feeling sad .

@Hamjamwich

Yes. His parents passed away a full year ago and our house is a mess with their things. The spare room could be a nice space for DS but it's full of clutter. We have a door laid on its side on our kitchen floor, so only one person can sit down to a meal. I said I would like a composite door, he insisted on a wood door.We cannot get it painted due to bad weather, so I'm really puzzled about how we will eat Christmas dinner 😡 he's been wfh since covid and our living room is a mess with his papers. I cannot relax in my own living room when he is working. He has a bad temper and unfortunately DS has randomly started telling him to shut up. He won't swop his car for a 4 door one, so poor ds is crushed in the back with his long legs. However, he often speaks about changing his car with no actual intention of doing so. He won't give DS any lifts, even when it's pouring rain (might not get parked back on the road). He won't allow DS to have his playstation in his room but constantly complains about the noise

Please get rid of him.

@StrongerOrWeaker

Even if you found someone special, chances are it would all wane after a few years and you would be back to square one. Well, this is how I feel. I know others will disagree.

I feel like this, so I never got married. Or maybe I never met the one. I'll never know!

Yes OP. I think a lot of people feel this way. I met my DH 11 years ago, I was impressed by what an even tempered and kind man he was. I genuinely like him as a person, but bitterly regret not paying heed to my first concerns about him. Hes a financially irresponsible procrastinator who will never be financially solvent- despite making good money.
In the 11 years we've been together, he has not once been in a position where he could obtain credit, and its largely fallen into the situation of, I take charge and pay for everything or it doesn't get done. Getting to the point where I can only see him holding me back, and I'm starting to feel that his kindness can't be as real as I've thought, given that his ineptitude has left me straddled with responsibilities that shouldn't be mine, and he's even stolen money from me. Somehow every joint account we've had hes put us into unplanned overdrafts and never paid back, he's used bank accounts of mine to set up payments and changed the log in details, thus locking me out, and even my own car is no longer in my own name. I financed it, I paid off the finance, and now he's the registered keeper.

I sometimes wish I hadn't have married him at all. I sometimes think that I have PTSD from the things he's put me through. Several years ago I set up a little business, he cancelled the car insurance on me, then stopped paying rent, I was giving him all I was earning and he was earning well. Yet I have no idea where that money went, but we were evicted- strangely I'm up worrying about us being evicted (I've paid our rent religiously on my own for years here, but same time of year so that fears just reverberating around my body)

I wish I'd have been with someone a little bit responsible.

I too am not loving him the way I could / would. I can't even reply back when he says he loves me

To be honest, if a woman came on MN and said that her husband never said he loved her, they'd be told that they should bin him or worse. If your DH is telling you that he loves you, I'd take that and make the most of it.

It sounds to me that you married for the same reason as many of us do - we wanted to be married and have a family, and this nice kind man asked us, so we did it. And 15 years later we've got the marriage and the family but it's all a bit lacking . Not romantic, We don't feel like we're getting what we'd hoped for.

If he is still nice and kind, and good with the kids, I'd be trying to make the most of it . Get some couples counselling, go on some dates , weekends away. Don't throw this away because you miss what you never had . Bringing up kids on your own is no fun , leaving him would be a huge step if all that's lacking is some excitment.

Honestly you'd be happier on your own with the kids. You don't have to have a man.

@Delphinna

You don’t have to love someone to live with them and raise children. Also you have to think what are the chances you would meet someone else as a middle aged mum with three kids? Even if you met a compatible man he’s unlikely to sign up for raising three kids that aren’t his. I understand the feeling of wanting love but some of us are in a situation where that’s just not a realistic desire.

I find this incredibly sad. Why would you live your life and raise your children with someone you dont love? I cant imagine living my life like that.

@sunshinealligator that's not just irresponsible, he's financially abusing you.

Firstly, sometimes People get married to an unwanted person due to some reason. it could be parents' advice or other issues.
After that, they compromise their whole life.

I did love my DH when we married but in hindsight we didn't have much in common and I'm not sure l loved him "enough" really or even fancied him.

Had 2 DC and we both were unhappy..... but not enough to split.

He then met OW and left me for her. We're both much happier and all get on well.

If he hadn't then we'd still probably be unhappily married

@Sunshinealligator

Yes OP. I think a lot of people feel this way. I met my DH 11 years ago, I was impressed by what an even tempered and kind man he was. I genuinely like him as a person, but bitterly regret not paying heed to my first concerns about him. Hes a financially irresponsible procrastinator who will never be financially solvent- despite making good money. In the 11 years we've been together, he has not once been in a position where he could obtain credit, and its largely fallen into the situation of, I take charge and pay for everything or it doesn't get done. Getting to the point where I can only see him holding me back, and I'm starting to feel that his kindness can't be as real as I've thought, given that his ineptitude has left me straddled with responsibilities that shouldn't be mine, and he's even stolen money from me. Somehow every joint account we've had hes put us into unplanned overdrafts and never paid back, he's used bank accounts of mine to set up payments and changed the log in details, thus locking me out, and even my own car is no longer in my own name. I financed it, I paid off the finance, and now he's the registered keeper.

I sometimes wish I hadn't have married him at all. I sometimes think that I have PTSD from the things he's put me through. Several years ago I set up a little business, he cancelled the car insurance on me, then stopped paying rent, I was giving him all I was earning and he was earning well. Yet I have no idea where that money went, but we were evicted- strangely I'm up worrying about us being evicted (I've paid our rent religiously on my own for years here, but same time of year so that fears just reverberating around my body)

I wish I'd have been with someone a little bit responsible.

That is horrific and you really need to leave

@Sunshinealligator

Yes OP. I think a lot of people feel this way. I met my DH 11 years ago, I was impressed by what an even tempered and kind man he was. I genuinely like him as a person, but bitterly regret not paying heed to my first concerns about him. Hes a financially irresponsible procrastinator who will never be financially solvent- despite making good money. In the 11 years we've been together, he has not once been in a position where he could obtain credit, and its largely fallen into the situation of, I take charge and pay for everything or it doesn't get done. Getting to the point where I can only see him holding me back, and I'm starting to feel that his kindness can't be as real as I've thought, given that his ineptitude has left me straddled with responsibilities that shouldn't be mine, and he's even stolen money from me. Somehow every joint account we've had hes put us into unplanned overdrafts and never paid back, he's used bank accounts of mine to set up payments and changed the log in details, thus locking me out, and even my own car is no longer in my own name. I financed it, I paid off the finance, and now he's the registered keeper.

I sometimes wish I hadn't have married him at all. I sometimes think that I have PTSD from the things he's put me through. Several years ago I set up a little business, he cancelled the car insurance on me, then stopped paying rent, I was giving him all I was earning and he was earning well. Yet I have no idea where that money went, but we were evicted- strangely I'm up worrying about us being evicted (I've paid our rent religiously on my own for years here, but same time of year so that fears just reverberating around my body)

I wish I'd have been with someone a little bit responsible.

Please leave this man

I think a lot of your practical problems are fixable by you, just by renting a garage or storage unit!! It spending X a month of storage would make your house so much better then go for it. Same with the car, if you told him you were going car shopping tomorrow and he can either come or you will choose, what could he actually do about it?!
The emotional stuff is trickier. For that, the best solution is to surround yourself with friends and not rely on him for emotional support. The other option is counselling.
The rules about the PlayStation are resolvable with headphones.

Yes I used to feel like this about my exH. In fact I remember on a few occasions sobbing, thinking how can this be my husband, surely it's meant to be better than this?

To be fair, it was a lot worse perhaps than you are describing, which eventually gave the motivation to leave.

I didn't expect to meet anyone else, again thinking "I'm in my 30's with a young child, no decent man is going to be interested in me". However being alone was far preferable by then to being married and I was happy to accept that.

I met my DP a few months later in fact, which I was never expecting. He is fantastic and falling in love with him showed me that I had probably never been in love before. I've never felt this way about another person and wish I hadn't 'settled' previously, although if I hadn't I wouldn't have DD. I remember thinking that these deep loving relationships I saw in films and books, or some people professed to have weren't real. That really everyone probably felt like I did with EXH, that was real life. When I met DP I realised differently. It has always been so so easy with him, it just 'fits'.

I'm only 2 years in with DP, so perhaps that can't last forever but I still feel lucky to have him everyday. He truly brings out the best in me and I am the happiest I have ever been.

@Sunshinealligator he isn't financially inept. He knows exactly what he's doing. My father is financially inept. He owns nothing and has drained my mother dry but he was never savvy enough to get a car in his name or take the money from someone else's business. Your DH knows what he's doing. Please get help and get out.

Even if you found someone special, chances are it would all wane after a few years and you would be back to square one.

This is true, but I've always imagined it would be nice to have the memory. Just knowing you were loved by someone at some point must mean a lot.

go on some dates , weekends away.

If you haven't been in this situation you may not realise, there is no point going on dates with someone who has never been interested in you that way. If a man wasn't attracted to his wife ten years ago pre kids, he's not suddenly going to be attracted to her now.

I don't know if poor communication is something quite common in men but it has gone worse over the years.

Yep definitely quite common.

OP have you considered that your husband might also be unhappy in the marriage and that is why he has no interest in talking to you/seems to be 'moody' and low?

I simply don't understand why two adults who are so obviously not suited to each other and who are making each other miserable would continue to live in a relationship that has long run its course.

There is something really depressing here about the number of posters who think it is OK to stay simply because they like their comfortable house and the money their partner brings in. Stand on your own two feet!

Tricking someone into thinking you are still attracted to them purely for financial reasons to me is pretty sad.

Relationship ends. As long as you work at being good parents once you separate it is a better option than having to pretend for the rest of your life and deny yourself and your current partner the opportunity to find a new love or to live as a happy single.

@Sunshinealligator please get help and support and leave him. This is financial abuse

Also to OP. Please don't be put off by those opinions which say you won't ever find love because there are lots of people who who prove those attitudes wrong, @AliceAbsolum for example. And it's not selfish to want better for yourself.

I've left an unhappy marriage (15 years, 2DCs, lots of issues) and now my DCs are managing with us living separately, ex is just down the road, we are both dating, and I have met the loveliest man I have lots in common with and we are lining up adventures. Don't give up hope. And it took me five years to leave because I had to try to make it work with ex and then get more training to improve my career so I could afford to go.

OP you've basically used him through your whole relationship, you didn't really want to marry him, just wanted someone to marry. Now you don't want to be with him but it's convenient for you financially and to have someone around to help out. I'm not surprised he's distant if you can't even bring yourself to say you love him.

I was used in exactly the same way by my husband and only found out after 20 years. It's absolutely shit way to be treated and the most horrible thing you can imagine to find out you've never been loved. I think it's just evil to think you're entitled to treat someone like that personally. Please do him a huge favour and leave.

@Dalidark

Yes I used to feel like this about my exH. In fact I remember on a few occasions sobbing, thinking how can this be my husband, surely it's meant to be better than this?

To be fair, it was a lot worse perhaps than you are describing, which eventually gave the motivation to leave.

I didn't expect to meet anyone else, again thinking "I'm in my 30's with a young child, no decent man is going to be interested in me". However being alone was far preferable by then to being married and I was happy to accept that.

I met my DP a few months later in fact, which I was never expecting. He is fantastic and falling in love with him showed me that I had probably never been in love before. I've never felt this way about another person and wish I hadn't 'settled' previously, although if I hadn't I wouldn't have DD. I remember thinking that these deep loving relationships I saw in films and books, or some people professed to have weren't real. That really everyone probably felt like I did with EXH, that was real life. When I met DP I realised differently. It has always been so so easy with him, it just 'fits'.

I'm only 2 years in with DP, so perhaps that can't last forever but I still feel lucky to have him everyday. He truly brings out the best in me and I am the happiest I have ever been.

I feel exactly the same about my OH. Yes, it's hard to meet someone when you have DC, but its not impossible. The best thing I did was to spend a fair few years alone after I split with my ex. I figured out what I wanted and who I was. Then I met an amazing man and this time I didn't settle.

@FelineFan, I totally get where you are coming from. I feel similar with my DW, have been together 20+ years, have three amazing children, but the last few years possibly as much as 10 years, things have ground to a halt really.
I have been on antidepressants, due to work, for the last two years, and can affect me, which makes me withdrawn but before then, wasn't that which slowed things.
A few years ago during a conversation, she said she didn't fancy me anymore as she didn't think like that after we got married, which was a shock to me, always fancied her and more so after children, as I feel her body is more natural now than before, slightly underweight before, but now about size 12, but sexy as hell to me.
She always said she wanted someone 6ft, blue eyed blonde, I am 5'10", dark haired and brown eyes, and a few years ago, would have been about 8 or 9, I overheard her say to a neighbour as he was approaching her, don't as is at the window, I have was doing dishes with the window open, and I can lip read to some extent. When she came back inside, she came straight to me and was looking very worried, when I confronted her, she said that conversation didn't happen and had no clue what I was talking about, and had denied it after as well. I also said to the neighbour in question to leave my wife alone and stop sniffing round her, he didn't deny a thing, just said ok and has since moved. But slowly although she does say she loves me, usually in response to me saying it, we very rarely have sex, maybe once a month, she tends to go for HJ alot of the time, used to be daily sex and even two or three times a day/night. She is a housewife, I do some chores and help out and cook sometimes, I also work around 50 hours a week and am the only wage between us, but I have never limited her spending, joint account, no financial issues, mortgage will be gone soon, no credit cards, debts etc, so no worries there.
Just don't understand, and never get any answers from her, although have had the chance for an affair, not done it but can see why some would. Have thought about separating but feels too drastic

@Sunshinealligator You're describing an abusive relationship. The person who needs to be more responsible, right now, is you, to yourself. Please reach out for some support, and leave.

@Fritilleries

I feel sad when i look at my husband's expanding waistline and double chin.

Wow this is shallow

Shallow yes, but attraction is attraction. It's depressing when you yourself maintain a healthy weight and your partner balloons.