Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does anyone else feel like they've married the wrong person?

89 replies

FelineFan · 04/12/2021 08:37

I've been with DH for 15 years. We have 3 children. I am ashamed to say that I got with him because noone else had ever really taken an interest me and he was nice and kind. I thought I would never be able to find anyone so when he asked me out I said yes. I'm very shy and awkward - noone would be interested in me.

Over the years we've been through various ups and downs and I feel like he's not the one for me. Life isn't horrendous or anything but I feel so lonely being with him. He isn't what I want in a husband and I just didn't really realise at the time. I just rushed into reality making the relationship work.

I don't want to leave him but wondered if anyone else is in the same relationship.

I find myself noticing other couples and how they are with each other and children and it breaks my heart. I daydream of another life and I can't even watch a romcom anymore without feeling sad .

OP posts:
Original poster
FelineFan · 04/12/2021 16:37

DrinkFeckArseBrick I think you may have been mistaken. I have not written about my son or gaming etc.

OP posts:
ikeepseeingit · 04/12/2021 16:50

Bring up the counseling again OP. Put your foot down about it. If he says ' oh, but I'm happy and I love you' your reply is 'well, I'm not happy'. Stick to it, and mean it. Counseling will help you to both communicate your needs, and if he can't do it, then he's not taking your marriage seriously enough. You need to get the love back in your communication and feel like you're not coming home to a moody brick wall. Flowers

Sosocold · 04/12/2021 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Laiste · 04/12/2021 17:03

What do you want to hear OP?

I'm not asking in a nasty way. What do you think you should do? You have said yourself you don't want to leave.

Have you talked to him about counseling? Does he realise how unhappy you are? Do you want him to know?

crimsonlake · 04/12/2021 17:06

The problem with continuing in a marriage where you feel unfulfilled and unhappy is that it eats away at you.
My ex was similar in that he had nothing to say for himself, there was no conversation in him for many years which progressively got worse from when the children were small.
Similar to another poster I satisfied my desire to connect with people by seeing friends when I could. However you still come home to live with someone more or less silent.
I continued this way as I did not want to break up a family. Now divorced I wish I had left years ago when the children were young instead of dragging something out when he was never going to change. I had given up my career when they were small, I could have resumed that and yes things would have been tough but I would have eventually been in a much better financial situation and happier.

AliceAbsolum · 04/12/2021 17:17

No, I feel the absolute opposite. I'm so in love with my husband and we've been together for 20 years. We spend most of our time together. He completes me. I love him so much it bloody hurts sometimes!

6 billion people in the world. Go find him. Don't waste your life with someone you don't have a meaningful connection with.

Cheesecakeandwine · 04/12/2021 17:17

I married the ‘wrong’ man. Only because what I thought was ‘right’ at 15,16,18 years of age isn’t what I would have chosen at 28-30.

takingmytimeonmyride · 04/12/2021 17:34

I chose my ex for much the same reasons.

Unfortunately he was an alcoholic so we split up, mainly because of that because otherwise I probably would have stayed with him, unhappily, but terrified of change (I'm autistic so like things to stay the same as much as possible)

3 years after we split I started fancying someone and he asked me out, which I'm still amazed about after nearly 2 years together. I love him, he's amazing, I've actually never felt like this about someone before. It made me sad that I settled for my ex, thinking no one else would ever want me. My new bloke makes me feel good every day.

Don't waste your time in an unhappy relationship would be my advice.

Sunshinelover2 · 04/12/2021 17:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

immersivereader · 04/12/2021 17:43

Yeah same here.

And I'm stuck abroad too!

But I do love where we live, but lack of network etc is definitely a factor in me staying. The kids are the main reason though.

immersivereader · 04/12/2021 17:45

It's all well and good people saying just leave : but there are often huge repercussions if you do, financial, the kids, social. Sometimes it's just easier to stay.

Ameanstreakamilewide · 04/12/2021 18:24

Yep.

He's nice enough and I'm not actively unhappy, but like a few PPs, I feel very lonely.

But we're not going to separate just because he gets on my nerves most of the time. It wouldn't be fair to my son, if nothing else.

I don't love him anymore, I can say that 'hand-on-heart', but i used to...he just ruined it and the inevitable happened.
I think he's just oblivious.

Ameanstreakamilewide · 04/12/2021 18:25

@immersivereader

It's all well and good people saying just leave : but there are often huge repercussions if you do, financial, the kids, social. Sometimes it's just easier to stay.
Indeed.
lightisnotwhite · 04/12/2021 18:32

Meh. You can truly love someone and they don’t love you back. You can both truly love each other and life fucks you over. I think it’s better to have love and lost ( knowing romantic love is amazing) but it’s not all there is.

Do what makes you happy but don’t think another person holds the keys to success.

JuicySatsuma85 · 04/12/2021 19:00

@FelineFan

I don't want to leave. I have young children and life would be extremely hard on my own, financially and just doing it all on my own. Maybe when the kids are older and I feel confident I can live on my own then but for now it is not something I would consider.

A few of you have mentioned that your DPs don't talk much and that is one of my main issues. We literally can go weeks without having a decent conversation, it's just essential day to day necessary communication. Everyday I ask him how work was and I just get a monosyllabic answer of fine, busy, usual. I don't it exasperating.

I find him to be quite moody too and he withdraws into himself and I just get a silent wall. I find it really hard work. He does help out with the kids but he never spends time with them or does anything with them. It's me that ends up going out with the kids alone.

I don't know if poor communication is something quite common in men but it has gone worse over the years.

That first paragraph…yikes. That is so hideously selfish. You’ll stay married to him until your kids are older and you no longer need his financial support or help? So you’ll string this man along for a few more years because it suits you? How horrible.

All the issues of his you mentioned are surmountable and not uncommon. It sounds like he’s depressed. Are you a glamorous and fun person to be around? Do you have interesting things to tell him about or divide with him? Or is “how was work” every single day for 15 years the extent of it?

Lilymossflower · 04/12/2021 19:11

Do you have friends , OP?

Re your husband, to be honest it sounds like he sees you as vagina furniture. Of course he is content - he comes home to a family home, a woman who bore his children and does all the childcare... but he doesn't care about sharing his thoughts and feelings with you or to have any interest in yours.

Halene · 04/12/2021 19:15

@Hamjamwich

Yes. His parents passed away a full year ago and our house is a mess with their things. The spare room could be a nice space for DS but it's full of clutter. We have a door laid on its side on our kitchen floor, so only one person can sit down to a meal. I said I would like a composite door, he insisted on a wood door.We cannot get it painted due to bad weather, so I'm really puzzled about how we will eat Christmas dinner 😡 he's been wfh since covid and our living room is a mess with his papers. I cannot relax in my own living room when he is working. He has a bad temper and unfortunately DS has randomly started telling him to shut up. He won't swop his car for a 4 door one, so poor ds is crushed in the back with his long legs. However, he often speaks about changing his car with no actual intention of doing so. He won't give DS any lifts, even when it's pouring rain (might not get parked back on the road). He won't allow DS to have his playstation in his room but constantly complains about the noise
I couldn’t live like this. Clear the spare room of clutter and then move the door into the spare room?
BertramLacey · 04/12/2021 19:22

6 billion people in the world. Go find him. Don't waste your life with someone you don't have a meaningful connection with.

I always find it weird when people say stuff like this. It's not as if you're going to interview all 7.8 billion people on the planet. Realistically you're going to be limited to a few hundred who live nearby and who are roughly the right age and single. The OP has three children. She can't just romp the earth in search of her one true love.

I would seek counselling OP. Work out what you can and can't change and what you can live with. Kindness is a rare quality and there may be things you can build on. Ultimately splitting up might be best but with three kids, I'd really work on it first.

TheOccupier · 04/12/2021 20:41

@Hamjamwich

Yes. His parents passed away a full year ago and our house is a mess with their things. The spare room could be a nice space for DS but it's full of clutter. We have a door laid on its side on our kitchen floor, so only one person can sit down to a meal. I said I would like a composite door, he insisted on a wood door.We cannot get it painted due to bad weather, so I'm really puzzled about how we will eat Christmas dinner 😡 he's been wfh since covid and our living room is a mess with his papers. I cannot relax in my own living room when he is working. He has a bad temper and unfortunately DS has randomly started telling him to shut up. He won't swop his car for a 4 door one, so poor ds is crushed in the back with his long legs. However, he often speaks about changing his car with no actual intention of doing so. He won't give DS any lifts, even when it's pouring rain (might not get parked back on the road). He won't allow DS to have his playstation in his room but constantly complains about the noise
You could solve at least half of these problems without involving your (D)H. Why don't you?
OhYeahyeahyeah · 04/12/2021 20:59

OP I have the same situation! I rushed into my relationship then marriage to DP as I was flattered and absolutely love-bombed. He was so 'different' to all my previous partners so it was a very exciting start!

Turns out different means we're exact opposites Sad He's a good man and I'm not miserable or anything, I just wish I had met someone more suitable, a best friend aswell as a life partner Sad

Also concerning that the older he gets the more he is beginning to act like Victor Meldrew...

Bouledepetanque · 04/12/2021 21:05

Maybe this talk is for you:

mswales · 04/12/2021 21:36

Surprised no one is picking up on you saying he doesn't spend any time with you or the kids really. If he is leaving you to do the lions share of the parenting (and I'm guessing the housework too?) and withdrawing into moodiness then he is really not a great partner and this is not a good relationship to be modelling to your kids. He sounds very disrespectful and unloving. No wonder you don't feel loved and don't feel loving towards him. I know the thought of being alone is overwhelming but it really does sound like you'd be better off without him, and your kids would be way better off with a happy mum that they are not seeing being disrespected regularly. You would be entitled to shared assets and benefits. At the very least try to access counselling so you can build your confidence enough to know you deserve and can have happiness on your own.

Jenster03 · 04/12/2021 21:53

I sort of know how you feel.
I'm in a similar situation, however a better one probably as my hubby helps out a lot with our 2 year old DD and we have a lot in common.
My problem is we're not very intimate, and never have been massively. Sex isn't at the top of our list. I won't go into it too much, but I do feel a bit trapped and resentful as I know if I left I'd be leaving for something really quite trivial in the grand scheme of things. After all, the rest of the relationship is great. But that one thing eats away at me.
Question is, do you presume a better person is out there? Yes I could get better sex, but could I find someone who's a great dad (to a child not his own), has as much in common as we do, has the same goals and ambitions, and shares a sense of humour?
I'm not sure.

reasysteady · 04/12/2021 22:07

@Hamjamwich

Yes. His parents passed away a full year ago and our house is a mess with their things. The spare room could be a nice space for DS but it's full of clutter. We have a door laid on its side on our kitchen floor, so only one person can sit down to a meal. I said I would like a composite door, he insisted on a wood door.We cannot get it painted due to bad weather, so I'm really puzzled about how we will eat Christmas dinner 😡 he's been wfh since covid and our living room is a mess with his papers. I cannot relax in my own living room when he is working. He has a bad temper and unfortunately DS has randomly started telling him to shut up. He won't swop his car for a 4 door one, so poor ds is crushed in the back with his long legs. However, he often speaks about changing his car with no actual intention of doing so. He won't give DS any lifts, even when it's pouring rain (might not get parked back on the road). He won't allow DS to have his playstation in his room but constantly complains about the noise
This husband sounds abusive. Why are you letting him bully your son?
ClareBlue · 04/12/2021 23:23

This thread seems to be running double topics, or is it just me