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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask that we stop looking for excuses for horrific child abuse and murder?!

64 replies

Dinotruxagain · 04/12/2021 07:12

Sparked by the murder of little Arthur and the threads I'm seeing trying to look for reasons that the abuse took place.

As a now adult survivor of pretty horrific child abuse , (physically ending in hospital visits) emotional and mental abuse, basically the works.
I find it so very upsetting that people are looking for the generational link, do you understand how that leaves us feeling when it comes to our own parenting?

I now have a child, DS4, but for many decades I was terrified that I would repeat the same pattern with my own child.
It took a lot of therapy to come to the realisation that I, and I alone, controlled my life and my behaviour.

We are not all destined to repeat the mistakes of our parents, yes, we've been damaged but it doesn't mean it's ' rare' to parent well in later life.

My own mother, (father wasn't around) was one of 7 siblings, all perfectly normal happy families.
She didn't have an abusive childhood, nothing different was done in her upbringing compared to her siblings.
She was the only one who turned out to be an abusive person, outward appearance of a wonderful human being, unless of course you were either my brother or I.
Yes, our abuse was reported to social services, we were not believed and returned back to her time and time again. Her job?... she was a social worker.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this, I guess that the recent threads have sparked it but I just wanted to say we're not all destined to repeat the same cycle.
We can, and are good parents despite our upbringing.
Please remember that when you are looking for links, some people are just horrible, horrible people.

OP posts:
beekeepershat · 04/12/2021 07:15

A valid point.

Sounds like you had it so tough Thanks
It must be hard to get your head around with your own children. But you are right, you make your own choices.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/12/2021 07:15

YANBU. I wasn't physically abused but I had a neglectful father. Would never dream of doing it to my own DC. Sometimes people are products of their environment but not always. Joanne Dennehy for example came from a loving 2 parent household.

Babyvenusplant · 04/12/2021 07:17

I'm sorry for what you went through op. I believe some people are just pure evil and are capable of horrific things. There's ZERO excuse's for what that sadistic bitch did to that little boy

Wigglegiggle0520 · 04/12/2021 07:17

I agree OP. Sorry you were failed so badly Flowers

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 04/12/2021 07:26

You’re absolutely right! I’m so sorry for what you and your brother went through. Flowers

Sometimes it helps to find links or possible triggers to try and stop the abuse in the future. However, this is not a fail safe method and it’s far more important that we focus on the services who should have protected all of the children who have suffered or died at the hands of their abuser. Schools, social services, police, NHS… Someone should have seen something and saved that boy. I say that as someone who works in a school so I know the pressures we’re under.

AnotherOneWithNoGoodName · 04/12/2021 07:27

I agree OP. I think for people who had happy childhoods it’s easier to think it’s “those” families than accept people from “nice” families can do something so horrific.

Beechwood · 04/12/2021 07:27

I reflected similar yesterday when watching the news.

News of Arthur, with an element of blame on SW's and police. ( and can see that is true too).

Next story 'Wembley' and the near miss of crushed fans, blaming the police, local council and The Football Association.

No, not the services. Blame in this case lies with everyone of the 2000 adults that decided it was a good idea to turn up and push their way into a stadium with no tickets. Not the police, not the FA. Them.

I did wonder what our country is becoming, when this sort of idiotic behaviour endangers life.

Take some responsibility, have some common sense, make the right choices.

Joystir59 · 04/12/2021 07:29

Spot on OP. I was sexually abused and did not grow up to be an abuser. We overcome past trauma and make sure we are caring loving reliable kind trustworthy parents. Spot on!

ToughTittyWhompus · 04/12/2021 07:31

Similar upbringing here OP, and I can’t bring myself to even raise my voice slightly to my children, let alone kick them down the stairs (just one example of what I endured from my mother).

Original poster
Dinotruxagain · 04/12/2021 07:32

Thank you for validating my feelings on this. (And the flowers.Smile)

Lots of us went through pretty crap childhoods but would never ever harm our children.
I had no clue when my son was born on how to be a good parent but I took myself off to the library and borrowed the parenting books!

He is a happy, healthy little boy (who occasionally wears a groove on the naughty step!) Thanks Supernanny.
Hes never been spanked, he's very rarely see me lose my temper and shouted and when I have he's been apologised to because that's on me, not him.
I am determined to never do to him what was done to me.
You make a choice, every single day not to be that person who has a child cowering in fear.

Anything else there are no excuses.

OP posts:
ronniz · 04/12/2021 07:37

I think people look for excuses as a reassurance that they will be shielded from bad things.

gunnersgold · 04/12/2021 07:39

My dh was abused , he is the kindest man you'll ever meet!
I think that woman wasn't equipping to be a step mother . End of .
I know people who have had children taken away for much less!

50ShadesOfCatholic · 04/12/2021 07:43

There is a difference between making excuses for terrible crimes and trying to understand how they came about. With better knowledge we can learn from it and work to prevent the same thing happening.

If however we just write people off as evil, we learn nothing and the crimes continue.

Arthur's stepmother was at one point an innocent newborn baby. I hate to think what happened to her as she was raised because her behaviour is so extreme and sadistic, I genuinely cannot think of a case involving greater cruelty. Of course as an adult she is responsible for her behaviour but it would be helpful to be aware of how people become so twisted so there can be appropriate interventions. Just as an example, throwing herself out of a window soon after the birth of her child, I mean that is extreme. I would genuinely expect that she and any future children would be closely monitored and supported.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/12/2021 07:45

I am so sorry you were so terribly abused. Your story is especially shocking due to your mother’s job. Flowers

If is possible not to be abusive when you were abused, it follows that the opposite is also possible.

I am glad you got the therapy you needed. One thing my therapist told me is that being aware of what constitutes abuse means I am extremely unlikely to act abusively.

starrynight21 · 04/12/2021 07:45

I agree. I was abused as a child, physical, sexual, verbal. And I'm the best damned mother that my children could have ! We don't all end up repeating history , we know how horrible it is so we resolve to do better.

Hollyhead · 04/12/2021 07:47

I have put YABU but not because your points are invalid, they’re not, you’re totally right that having a horrendous abusive childhood does not equal automatically being an awful parent yourself. I’m so sorry for what you went through.

However I don’t think people are looking for an excuse, I think they are looking for explanations as to how people can do such evil, and it is the case that in the vast majority of cases perpetuators of horror like this were indeed abused themselves. I see it as just another reason why as a society we should never take our eye off the ball with safeguarding. Primarily to protect the children right now, but secondarily because in a small number of cases, the abuse will cause harm that will result in further harm to others. You only have to read accounts of foster parents etc to see how utterly damaged children as young as 3/4 can be.

HoseMeDownWithHolyWater · 04/12/2021 07:49

Some people are just cunts. No excuses needed.

ElectraBlue · 04/12/2021 07:52

Agreed.

We all make a choice.

I had toxic, abusive parents and I would NEVER hurt a child physically or mentally.

It makes my blood boil when I read stories about bad parents with things like 'they did the best they could' or 'all parents want the best for the children'. Absolute nonsense.

There is never an excuse/justification for hurting a child. If you have issues it is your responsibility to address them, not to take them out on your kids...

Tomatobear · 04/12/2021 08:00

I'm so sorry OP. I think people are so far detached from the horrors of the world that they can't imagine evil like that just exists.

CaputApriDefero · 04/12/2021 08:03

My dad was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. We all have lasting emotional damage, even though he worked on himself when we were all adults and addressed what made him so. Some of it was generational, some of it was unmet ND needs. Regardless, we suffered. Not one of us have ever raised a hand to our children. My children are not afraid of me. At all. They don't want to disappoint me because I'm a loving parent that shows them a great deal of respect, but they're not afraid I'll hurt them. Sometimes, the generational legacy is to repeat the pattern. More often it's to be a totally different kind of parent because of the negative experiences you felt growing up

Bagelsandbrie · 04/12/2021 08:06

I was abused as a child by my schizophrenic alcoholic mother in the 80s. I completely agree with you. I’m fed up with people making assumptions about people like me.

FOJN · 04/12/2021 08:11

I'm sorry your mother was so abusive. I don't believe that children who were abused are destined to become abusive parents and never have. My own mother had the most horrifically abusive childhood and a lifetime of severe mental health problems as a consequence, her parenting was not perfect but it was not abusive and I knew I was loved.

I wonder if we've been lead up the garden path by research into what makes adults abuse children. I was listening to something a few days ago about research interviews with people who commit CSA, in interview over 60% claimed they had been abused in their own childhoods but polygraph results (not always reliable) showed that figure to be closer to 30%. There was a thread recently where a number of people posted links to evidence that the theory of the abused become the abuser was not true to the extent we had previously thought. I doubt anyone will be surprised to find abusers lie for sympathy.

I agree some people are just horrible people. Whatever someone's history our priority should be protecting children not making excuses for adults.

Bagelsandbrie · 04/12/2021 08:14

I think child abuse is sadly much, much more common than people think. And therefore if you consider how many people have been abused (and many never reveal that they have been) then the vast majority of abused people don’t go on to become abusers. The only place I ever reveal my own abusive childhood is here - and with my dh. No one else has a clue.

YourenutsmiLord · 04/12/2021 08:16

1-2 children die each week from abuse from DPs.
That has remained steady for years.
I would say the problem is that people including cruel parents, have human rights so it's extremely hard to remove children from bad parents.

EishetChayil · 04/12/2021 08:17

People are looking for reasons, not excuses.

Swipe left for the next trending thread