Lone woman - weirdo?

[Fireatseaparks]

I'm a single woman without children (undecided but leaning heavily towards not having them as I've never felt 'the urge' or met anyone I could see myself having them with - of course that's assuming I have the choice at all, which I don't know having never tried).

(Before anyone asks, I'm one of the many thousands of Mumsnet users who aren't mums but who use the site for the non-parenting topics!)

My problem is this: I never noticed this when I was younger, but since my late twenties/early thirties, I've started to feel out of place going to cafes, wandering around markets etc. on my own, particularly at weekends when everyone seems to be part of a family.

I do have friends, but they are busy with their own families so things have to be pre-arranged, plus I do enjoy having plenty of time by myself.

Anyway, I was looking through some old family photos, and saw pictures of young me with my parents in some really beautiful places - places that I wouldn't even think to go now.

There was one of me looking into a rock pool somewhere when I was about seven. I'd love to go and look in rock pools now, but I can't shake the feeling that a lone woman A) would look weird peering into rock pools by herself and B) I'd be scared of slipping or getting caught by the tide or something without anyone around to help.

There was another one of me standing on a big rock I'd climbed in a national park somewhere. As above, I'd love to go and do that but same as above, I'd feel completely out of place.

This feeling of being separate from society seems to be growing as I get older. There have been times when I've been sat at a table in a cafe at the weekend and I'm the ONLY one by myself in there. I feel like some sort of deviant, like I'm encroaching on other people's family space. I only go to cafes during the week now, when it's somehow more 'acceptable' and expected for people to be on their own.

I know this is my own problem and people probably don't really look at me and think 'is she alone, what a weirdo, why is she here' and even if they DID I shouldn't let it bother me. In other aspects of my life I'm confident and not overly bothered by opinions, but in this area, I can't seem to shake it.

I don't know, I just sometimes feel like I'm a hanger-on on the outskirts of society. I know i need to get a grip and I appreciate if much rather be in this position than in an unhappy relationship or with children I can't cope with and I do count my blessings.

I'm just wondering if anyone else understands this feeling really?

@CaliforniaDrumming

I am a married woman with DC and I have travelled across the world on my own. I do museums, galleries, restaurants, cafes, parks on my own. I do several solo trips a year ( pre covid). I am talking about countries like India, Turkey, Cambodia, and Thailand. I am wary of safety, but other than that I do not give a fuck. Nobody cares.

Was hoping someone would post something like this.

I'm no longer married and relate to the rest so much.

I've done these things quite happily but OP's post is making me wonder how much we've progressed as women, humans even if people are still bothered about what we're doing on our own.? Let women out on their own? Surely not.

I'd be more concerned about the solitary male tbh 🤷🏻‍♀️

I dont know why but I find it harder to do these things when I'm single. When I have a DP I still do loads by myself but I never feel the alone ness of it. When I'm single it somehow makes me feels sad. It's crazy as no one would ever know either way!

I have 5 DC aged between 8 and 20. The thing I love to do most is go on trips away alone and I do this every few months. I pick a European city and go for 4 days and I plan a jam-packed schedule. I go to galleries, shows, exhibitions, historical sites and wonderful restaurants and cafes. It is marvellous. Please stop being concerned about what nobodies might be thinking. Go and enjoy your life! There's so many amazing things to see and do!

FYI, I have a DH and we obviously do stuff together too, but it is not a patch on my trips away alone.

My mother was widowed when she was only 63 and the women in her family tend to live till their mid nineties. A good thing she is not worried about travelling and being in a cafe on her own, because that would mean 30 years of being shut up in the house worrying what people think. She doesn't want to remarry and why should she?

Hi op, I recently got married, however when I was single I used to travel and do all sorts by myself, including going to China, America and off down the local park for a walk or the sea life centre etc.. No-one will care but you, go for it!

@CaliforniaDrumming

My mother was widowed when she was only 63 and the women in her family tend to live till their mid nineties. A good thing she is not worried about travelling and being in a cafe on her own, because that would mean 30 years of being shut up in the house worrying what people think. She doesn't want to remarry and why should she?

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I've never looked at someone doing something like that by themselves and thought it was odd. In fact, I'd be more likely to envy their confidence! I'm impressed by people who show a bit of motivation and go out into the world to experience interesting things for themselves.

In the case of anything that might be dangerous e.g. climbing, there are lots of rambling/climbing/walking meetup groups and organisations for people who enjoy doing those things and also probably don't want to fall off a rock alone!

@HaveringWavering

I would rather stick pins in my eyes than go on a group holiday hence my solo travel . Yes, there are some safety limitations - one that springs to mind is a forest walk that I felt was unsafe to do on my own . I joined Meet Up and started doing walks with groups .

@IamGusFring that’s interesting. What is it about group holidays that repels you so much, if you are happy to do Meet Up type days out? I found the opposite when I was single. I liked a group holiday with the likes of Exodus because you had a week to get to know the group and work out over lunches, dinners etc who was your kind of person, but there were no forced group activities or ice breaking games or anything so it was essentially having as much or as little company as you wanted.
On the other hand I did a few Meet up type things (there was a club called SPICE, don’t know if that still exists) and it was the worst of both worlds as you were spending a day with strangers and essentially making small talk, which would get in the way of the activity, then a whole new group on the next one so it was like groundhog day. Horses for courses I guess.

Yes it is horses as you say . I'm a very confident and independent traveller and could not abide by the "bags outside your room at 6 am" crap . 😂

you had a week to get to know the group and work out over lunches, dinners etc who was your kind of person

This sentence sums up why I would not go on a holiday with a group of strangers. I have the school gate for this uncomfortable experience.

@SpicyTinkle

FYI, I have a DH and we obviously do stuff together too, but it is not a patch on my trips away alone.

TBH I'm not surprised with 5 children 😁

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I come here every week at the same time for about an hour, it’s the one time I ever get an hour to myself to be honest and WOW do people stare at me. You are not imagining it.

Do they really stare though?

Because it is not unusual for someone to be in a cafe on their own. I would guess that either people aren't staring at all, or you are sitting there looking flustered and self conscious. Or there aren't enough tables and people are wondering if they can steal a chair.

This. ^ I see more people alone than in couples sometimes in my local cafe, or McDonalds. Sometimes with their laptop, or phone, or a newspaper. No-one, literally NO-ONE even bats an eyelid. Why would anyone care?

Anyone who says everyone is staring at you if you are alone is imagining it. No-one cares.

I am married now but until I met DH in my mid 30s I was generally on my own. I was quite self conscious about being on my own through my 20s but got bolder in my early 30s and as somebody else mentioned upthread, I realised I could not put my life on hold and not do things I want to do whilst I waited for a companion to come along. I even went solo backpacking around Asia for six months at this age. I also did a fair bit of solo business travel in my 20s and first half of my 30s.

We don’t have children though and whilst I do a lot with DH now, I am still comfortable with solo travel, in fact probably even more so as I find as I get older I care less and less about what other people think. A couple of weeks ago I was in Paris by myself and went to a fine dining restaurant, I probably was the only solo diner then, but generally speaking when I look around, there are lots of people on their own in many places. I have booked flights for a solo holiday next year, I want to go somewhere that DH does not fancy so I shall be going it alone and cannot wait.

@SpicyTinkle

FYI, I have a DH and we obviously do stuff together too, but it is not a patch on my trips away alone.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being alone, but I find it really sad that you prefer your trips alone, to the trips with your husband.

@GetTheFlockOutOfHere In the UK, I certainly agree no one is staring, esp now everyone is wfh. In some other countries, they might stare but it is my experience that if you stare back with a hard gaze, they piss off and leave you alone.

Think of it as "flying solo tonight " - a phrase a waitress used once with me in the USA and she didn't intend it as derogatory .

I'm a very confident and independent traveller and could not abide by the "bags outside your room at 6 am" crap

That’s not singles group holidays, that’s all package holidays! And I am also a very confident and capable independent traveller, did you mean to sound so patronising?

I have two kids and yearn to do things by myself.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

you had a week to get to know the group and work out over lunches, dinners etc who was your kind of person

This sentence sums up why I would not go on a holiday with a group of strangers. I have the school gate for this uncomfortable experience.

How do you ever make friends then?

How do you ever make friends then?

Usually by accident! The blatant bum sniffing is uncomfortable for me.

@HaveringWavering

I'm a very confident and independent traveller and could not abide by the "bags outside your room at 6 am" crap

That’s not singles group holidays, that’s all package holidays! And I am also a very confident and capable independent traveller, did you mean to sound so patronising?

Look - you were the one who picked me up on what I said to start with that I don't do singles group holidays ! You asked me why I didn't want to do singles group holidays and I told you . That quote is EXACTLY from one my friend went on just before Covid and I hate having a schedule imposed on me . I don't know what your problem is ? Whatever happened to your "horses for courses" comment ?🙄

I get what you mean, but I think it depends where you are. I’m in London now, large cafe most people by themselves. If you can make yourself get out & do stuff and you’ll feel better for doing so. It’s self perpetuating, it’ll also get easier as your friends DC get older and they have more time to themselves.

I’m married with children and absolutely love to do things on my own. I will quite often go to the cinema/ theatre/ a gig solo. Cafes - all the time. I think the only person who finds it odd is my husband 😁 I’m just a real introvert and need solo time to recharge enough for the hecticness of family life.

@Sportsnight

I’m married with children and absolutely love to do things on my own. I will quite often go to the cinema/ theatre/ a gig solo. Cafes - all the time. I think the only person who finds it odd is my husband 😁 I’m just a real introvert and need solo time to recharge enough for the hecticness of family life.

Fair enough but for all the married women on here believe me it is a totally different thing you having your time away from someone who lives on their own all the time and going out on their own .

I am a single parent to teenagers but I'm actually in surprisingly similar shoes. They won't come anywhere with me, I'm not in a couple.
If I want to go somewhere I'm going to have to be brave enough to do it on my own.

A child fits you in to society if you have a husband................... otherwise, you're good enough for coffee mornings but not invited to the evening stuff.

So, there's that.

I really just thing that the answer is being brave enough to go and do things on your own and hoping that they get less scary each time.

There is a lot I want to do.