If you work FT, have small children, crap partner and no money, how do you cope?

[HousethatChunkbuilt]

I'm just exhausted. Everything feels too much.
I work full time outside of the home. Two DC's in primary, constant things on the go, constant washing, friends, family, guilt that I'm not really being present for anyone.
I had my works xmas do and just felt exhausted, I can't even make conversation. Then I go home, put on washing, wash up and now have to cut up sixty pieces of card for the craft fair tomorrow.
It's getting to the point where I just don't really think I enjoy anything. Even sitting in bed trying to sleep at 1am all I can think is that I should be up doing something. And that I should be feeling more guilty.
Partner tries but he is just as busy, just at tired and of course doesn't have the mental load that I do. I've tried to pass some of that on but he just doesn't listen or see why we need to do certain things.
Please have a moan in my moany mum pub with me!

I'd fuck the card fair in the bin for starters.

I'd also be making it clear to the incompetent man that he'll be seeing divorce papers on 2 January, if he doesn't get his arse in gear.

I'd fuck the card fair in the bin for starters

Yes definitely. You sound exhausted. Don't take on extra.

I live with a certain level of mess. It's not ideal, I'd rather my home was cleaner and tidier but I accept it will be in the future, just not for now.

You say he 'of course' doesn't Ave the mental load. Why of course? Sit him down and show him a long long list of what you do and think of and strategise and orchestrate. Then tell him you can no longer do it all. Which areas would he like to take over? And wait. And be prepared to act on it if he refuses or agrees but then does nothing. Stop doing for him for a start. He can do his own washing. If he isn't contributing as part of a household, he doesn't get treated like one.

Don't know what your dp is doing or not doing but it could be good for you to stop trying to achieve impossible aspirations before you implode.
Priorities only.
Don't sweat the small stuff.

1. Don't do the craft fair.
2. Don't just dismiss your partner being crap as meh. Why is he crap?

Don't do the craft fair. Just say you can't make it today and give yourself a morning off.

Do something with that morning. Lie on the sofa and eat crisps. Deep clean the playroom - whatever will make you feel good.

I've recently started using headspace - I find I'm more effective in the day if I do it.

I hear you. I have a 9 week old who has been ill and isn’t now sleeping and an almost 4 year old. I can’t say that I’m enjoying life at all as I’m so tired that I can’t find the energy or enthusiasm for anything.

Maybe it is worth looking at whether certain things do need doing? Without knowing what those things are that your partner questions, it could be that he has a point. When life is busy and exhausting, things have to give.

If not then perhaps look again at how the load is divided.

I got rid of the crap partner.

Single mum of 3. I get a break these days but didn't for a long time. When i felt like that i gave myself a day off. That meant doing nothing. None of the drudge. Id get up and make myself a cup of tea. Id not do one of my normal chores. Id make it clear i was watching tele and doing nothing. By about 4pm id feel marginally better and start picking stuff uo and putting it away. I didn't even mean to if im honest i just did. I'd have a day off and make a hard stand with my partner that i couldn't do more. Let him come to you with a solution. Or, alternatively get rid of him. Then youll get every other weekend to recharge.

I've been feeling like this too recently and it's gradually got worse each day. My DH does what he can but his hours are a lot longer than mine so a lot of it does fall to me. Yesterday I took a day off and had a no plans day, which I can't remember the last day I had nothing planned all day. I got up when I wanted and didn't think about what I wanted to get done that day, just let each minute pass and did whatever I felt like at that moment. I can honestly say I feel so much more relaxed this morning.

Get a cleaner if you haven't already.
write lists for partner with jobs
Do not do card cutting for craft fairs!!

@Remmy123

Get a cleaner if you haven't already. write lists for partner with jobs Do not do card cutting for craft fairs!!

Yes. Ignore the craft fair.

Was the card fair an obligation?

Some things are beyond your control. Look to see what isn't.

Single mother of 3 here.

1 secondary, 2 primary.

I’m a full time student and work part time from home (I answer messages on the University chat bot!)

My only commitments are to my DC, nobody else. I don’t have the time, physical or mental energy to do anything for anyone else.

All I can say is it gets easier. Am 47 now with a 13 year old. My partner is still crap but I have been promoted a few times and earn a better wage now. I now have a cleaner, and a dishwasher which I didn’t have when my DD was younger. There aren’t loads of things to prep for when they are at Secondary school and they can help you in general anyway. I even have time for hobbies of my own now. The quality of my life is a million times improved from when she was little. It is a matter of riding it out to some extent! There might be ways to improve your life now but hopefully it will naturally get better in time anyway.

I hear you. It's full on. 100 per cent get a cleaner, it will change your life. If you want to help with school fair stuff, take on jobs that can be done from your phone in the margins while you are waiting for the kettle to boil, no craft!

Another tip is don't over load your weekends. Make sure you all get some down time, even if that means the kids have to miss some class parties etc.

Watching with interest as about to go full time myself. How do people do it all? I think as others have said you need to think carefully about what you want/need to prioritise and what can either be delegated (to your DP, cleaner etc) or not done at all, eg the craft fair! Try saying no a bit more. I’ve also recently started making a little bit of time for myself and this has really helped me feel calmer and more like me.

I can't afford a cleaner honestly.

I chucked the crap partner out. Worked for me.

Being a single parent will always be easier than being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t support you. At least you’re only carrying yourself and your kids and not burning with resentment at carrying a grown-ass man who contributes nothing.

I guarantee your life won’t be worse without him.

I did it for years. Single parent, full time job.

I got ruthless when he was younger at prioritising. That meant not volunteer for school stuff, only doing the basics (sending in a bottle for the tombola), no making costumes.

I used to do a lot of volunteering work to do with football - I have all that up.

I tidied up as I went along and didn’t let the house get in a state. I got DS involved and he learnt to put his toys away after him, set the table, Hoover and tidy his room. I had a good routine going, which kept me sane. E.g. dark was Friday night, light wash Saturday and then ironing on a Sunday night when he was in bed.

When he got to about 10/11, I went back to college part time and did the same agin when he was 13/14. The courses I took enabled me to get a number of promotions, so money wasn’t then a worry.

Typical Mumsnet.

The thread title says OP has no money.

There follows 50 posts of "ditch the card fair" (which presumably makes the OP money), and "get a cleaner."

@GiantHaystacks2021

I'd fuck the card fair in the bin for starters.

I'd also be making it clear to the incompetent man that he'll be seeing divorce papers on 2 January, if he doesn't get his arse in gear.

Yes this.

Then I go home, put on washing, wash up and now have to cut up sixty pieces of card for the craft fair tomorrow.

Don’t commit to stuff like the craft fair, if you genuinely don’t have time to do it in advance and a bit at a time, not at the last minute post-Christmas party.

If you do end up in that situation, resolve to say No next time but don’t do the washing up or put on washing - just sit down and get the card done. Delegate the washing up and washing to your DP.

Send him with the DC to the craft fair if possible. If not - as I suspect you’re in charge of doing an activity? - then remember next school thing is on him to take/do.

The run-up to Christmas is exhausting at young school-age DC stage. Take a breath over the holiday and really delegate/divide and conquer responsibilities and regular chores.

Don’t accept him being crap.
On the flip side, don’t expect him to give a crap about school community non-obligatory things like craft fairs. Be mindful of that when you commit to being involved.

Bloody hell, MN at its best. Cleaners are expensive. The OP said she had 'no money'. Plenty of people working full time really can't afford a cleaner.

@thepeopleversuswork

I chucked the crap partner out. Worked for me.

Being a single parent will always be easier than being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t support you. At least you’re only carrying yourself and your kids and not burning with resentment at carrying a grown-ass man who contributes nothing.

I guarantee your life won’t be worse without him.

This 100% this. Best idea ever.