If you work FT, have small children, crap partner and no money, how do you cope?

[HousethatChunkbuilt]

I'm just exhausted. Everything feels too much.
I work full time outside of the home. Two DC's in primary, constant things on the go, constant washing, friends, family, guilt that I'm not really being present for anyone.
I had my works xmas do and just felt exhausted, I can't even make conversation. Then I go home, put on washing, wash up and now have to cut up sixty pieces of card for the craft fair tomorrow.
It's getting to the point where I just don't really think I enjoy anything. Even sitting in bed trying to sleep at 1am all I can think is that I should be up doing something. And that I should be feeling more guilty.
Partner tries but he is just as busy, just at tired and of course doesn't have the mental load that I do. I've tried to pass some of that on but he just doesn't listen or see why we need to do certain things.
Please have a moan in my moany mum pub with me!

I do the bare minimum on things to keep afloat.

I went to the xmas do but just stayed 2 hours, didnt drink too much, so at least I wasn't shattered the next day.

I don't do the extra stuff like the craft fair. Our school has a core of SAHPs who coordinate these things, they have more time than I do so I leave it to them. I contribute when asked to financially, give chocs for the raffle and what have you, but i don't have time to give as well.

My house isnt immaculate.

I try and combine things - see a friend in a way that includes exercise.

I've identified over the years that there are things DH does accept need doing so I actively do not do those things knowing he will do them if I don't - laundry being the key one.

@HousethatChunkbuilt

I can't afford a cleaner honestly.

Neither can I. It has taken me years but i have very slowly decluttered everywhere. The house still gets very messy but it's much easier to staybon top of it.

OP, you’re on a path to burn out.

Why your partner is crap? Crap at what?
Who comes back home first?
Why do you have a washing every day?
How old are the kids?

Sorry to fire all these questions but trying to get a bit more info.

@FrenchBoule

OP, you’re on a path to burn out.

Why your partner is crap? Crap at what?
Who comes back home first?
Why do you have a washing every day?
How old are the kids?

Sorry to fire all these questions but trying to get a bit more info.

Yes. This is the key to fixing it, either with him or without him.

I second learning to say no. Do not do extra stuff for school, do not do any of your partners stuff if he can't take on mental load (which is a cop out of him) that includes do not be his birthday/ Christmas buying secretary for his family.

Stop ironing, cut down on washing where you can. Noone died because the bedding wasn't changed weekly or pjs and towels weren't washed daily (I am always so shocked at how much washing people do- I do 3-4 loads a week with a family of 4)

Get primary aged children to take on 20 minutes chores everyday after school as part of a routine before they are allowed devices /TV or whatever.

When you cook, do enough for 2 meals and freeze half for another day.

Housekeeping is everybody’s job,not just yours. Involve the kids in tidy up process. Somebody might say that it’s like herding cats but it’s a part of being in a household.

Washing-we don’t have washing on every day. What’s clean(without visible dirt) and doesn’t smell of BO can be worn again.

Washing up- who creates the most of it? Chuck in the sink with water to soak then wash.

Meals- slow cooker is your friend and your partner can also participate.
Hearty Soup and bread is a meal, one day is a “no cooking day”.

I don’t participate in school stuff as no time. Cardboard can be cut for partner as well.

The last (and the most important) a house is not a museum and doesn’t have to be spotless.My friends come to see me and not the state of the house (and likewise)

Kids are encouraged and told to help out where they can.

The other adult in the household I presume has eyes and is able bodied so has to pitch in if not then talk is required.

Sometimes the pressure we put on ourselves is the worst. Let it go sometimes.

Partner needs to pull his finger out for starters.

I wonder what your standards are and also how quick you are at doing things?

Have known a few women who have very high standards that to meet means they sort of do themselves in and can never win. One of my work colleagues cleaned the kick boards and front of all her kitchen cupboards every single Monday evening after work, without fail.

My MIL has quite a tidy house not show home standard but very decent however everything takes an age to do. DH says she has always been a faffer.

Everyone’s issues in running a house are partner, standards and time taken to do a task. If you have no money to throw at an issue. We are all different.

*cardboard can be cut BY partner not for

What @Summerrain123 said.

Can’t remember last time I ironed anything unless I had to look presentable (funeral or job interview). Partner can iron his own stuff.

I read the craft fair as a voluntary obligation of the kind mothers of school-age children often get roped into. (If it's a side business, that's different).

I do get the whole mental/emotional labour thing, but I wonder whether your dp might be right about not needing to do some (prob not all) of the things on that list?

I do voluntary stuff as I can be flexible (work for myself and it averages out at part-time-ish hours) but I wouldn't get sniffy at someone who couldn't fit it in.

I do second a PP that IIWY I would not be doing social sec/present-buying for partner's side of the family if I didn't feel he was pulling his weight in other ways.

I found your worrying that you should be feeling more guilty interesting - why?

I'm pretty much working FT with the extra hours of overtime I do and with kids it's exhausting.

I agree it's the road to burnout long term. 2 parents working ft is a huge task- there is no slack in the system.

I hate not being able to volunteer to help with school and community projects buts it too much at present for me.

Lowering standards is key- you cannot do it all. I agree with decluttering. That's what makes it tricky to keep things tidy. Also if you can - weekend morning 1 parent take the kids out and one blitz the house for 3 hours - and yes he can do it - you do!! Try and keep on top of washing e.g. one load in a day. Dishwasher on or wash up each day.

So what does your partner do around the home as you indicate he is just as busy?

I’d be letting it all slide if I’m honest, just one day tidying and cleaning on a Sunday whilst he watches the kids and cooks dinner, but during the week just let it go.

Tidying up in my house became much better when i asked them to pick up 10 things. They all end up picking up more but it saves shouting and a fair amount of carpet gets cleared.

I handed over the food shopping and meal cooking because that's an absolute essential. He had to learn to cook and I left him to it.

I’m just waiting for someone to suggest you book a spa day. Perhaps you could take your cleaner with you as a treat 🙄

Your partner is not just as busy and just as tired. It’s not him cutting up bits of card late at night, is it? He’s not worrying about a mental load.

Household rota. The DC might be too young to cook, but if they’re in primary, they’re old enough to tidy. You and partner take turns cooking and washing up so each of you get a night off a few times a week. Give him back the responsibility for half of the housework. If the DC don’t stick to it, they lose privileges. If your partner doesn’t stick to it, or he purposely fucks it up so you take over and don’t ask him again, then he can fuck off and find himself another housekeeper, cook and chief bottle washer. You’ve already got 2 kids, you don’t need a third. If he doesn’t like it, point out that he’ll have to do 100% of the housework when you finally snap and throw him out. And don’t ask for his ‘help’. He is not helping you by changing your DC’s beds. He’s doing his share. Helping you would be running you a bubble bath and putting towels on the radiator to warm up. Bet he never does that either.

And start saying no to stuff. If your kids come home saying they need this or need that, you write a quick note to the teacher saying you’re not able to help but will reassess the situation in the future.

If family is demanding your time, the only answer is ‘No, I’m running on fumes, I can’t do it’ If you fall out with them, then so what?

And let things slide a bit. Things don’t need to be immaculate at home. Christmas doesn’t need to be perfect. Channel your inner ‘Fuck it’ for a while.

What you’re doing now is not sustainable. You are not responsible for everyone and everything.

With the food thing I mean in full, the meal planning, shopping list the lot.

I heard a good quote once, I think it was from author Nora Ephron - you're juggling a lot of balls and inevitably some will drop. Just make sure they're not the ones made of glass.

Take short cuts where you need to. Don't give yourself more work to do. Protect your time - you don't owe anyone except your kids shit (something I'm still learning).

And read "Fair Play" by Eve Rodsky in terms of dividing the mental workload better (she doesn't even aim for 50/50 but Says even if you can give your partner 1 or 2 things to deal with it'll ease your mental load)

@MissMinutes24

I heard a good quote once, I think it was from author Nora Ephron - you're juggling a lot of balls and inevitably some will drop. Just make sure they're not the ones made of glass.

Take short cuts where you need to. Don't give yourself more work to do. Protect your time - you don't owe anyone except your kids shit (something I'm still learning).

And read "Fair Play" by Eve Rodsky in terms of dividing the mental workload better (she doesn't even aim for 50/50 but Says even if you can give your partner 1 or 2 things to deal with it'll ease your mental load)

That's one of the best mn posts ever.

God what's with all the threads about shit men on here atm

Absolutely useless wastes of space

Op you have a H problem. Plenty of people work ft and have dc the difference is not everyone's H opts out

Can you improve your ft job earnings in the long run?

I'd divorce. I'd rather be alone than with a "partner" who did nothing. You'd also then get a break from the kids due to them being with their dad🤷🏼‍♀️

It's the small children. I never believed anyone when they told me it gets easier when 6+ but it really does. We have chore charts so kids empty bins, fold and pit away their washing, Hoover etc. We tend to blitz clean on weekend with everyone mucking in. Dishwasher makes huge difference to us

Running on empty atm. Full time carer to DC1, who has multiple complex needs. Also have 3yo. DH's work is always massively busy at this time of year (he works in entertainment) and he's away for days at a time.

In theory, I should get respite in the time my DCs are at school.

Reality is both kids home from school/nursery most weeks because of unlocking germ hell. Haven't had a full week of them both being in their settings since September.

I have no idea where to start with the laundry and we've all eaten way too much McDonalds.

One of my DCs has given me their stinking cold and I have to spend the whole weekend looking after them alone because... showbusiness.

Pass me the McNuggets...

Haven't read all replies. But I'm you!
So what I've done
I have delegated- so 2 primary dc both have chores- load washing machine, unload dish washer, tidy rooms, dust etc.
Dh does washing beginning if week me at end- 2 washes a week only.
We meal plan and have back up ready meals in case.
Uniform enough for 5 days
Lay my work clothes out.
DC sorry school snacks and unpack lunch boxes etc too.
I don't commit to anything!

Write it down and split the workload 4 ways approximately.

Is he actually as busy, or is he just busy with work too?

How old are the kids? Can they do the tidying or help with the crafts?

Can you afford a Gousto box or some Cook frozen meal deliveries? They frequently save my arse.