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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bf doesn't want to get married.

75 replies

edisonbulb · 03/12/2021 22:15

Been with partner for 8 years. He doesn't want to ever get married. He says he wants to be with me because he wants to be with me, not because the government say we owe each other. He is also worried his prior debt would effect me.

Long story, but because of his Mother and bad decisions he has a CCJ for a lot of money which is now 8 years old. He pays a monthly payment to this debt.

Our house is in my name. I am the higher earner. I have a child age 14. Not his. So its only me who would lose.

So why do I want to get married? It is him that says it would make no difference as its just a legal concept anyway and I would lose should he die.

He is also really intelligent and attained a scholarship to Eton when he was age 10 but he dropped out as it was different to the Northern England lifestyle and he didn't enjoy it.

I love him but want to be married? Is it just a legal concept?

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/12/2021 22:22

In your situation, I really wouldn’t. You’ve far more to lose than you’d gain. Marriage is a great institution for ensuring that a lower earning partner or one who sacrifices their earning potential to raise the couple’s children is protected in the event of divorce, but none of that applies to you.

It’s not unreasonable to want it; it’s a powerful institution and women particularly spend a huge part of their lives being socialised into the happy-ever-after Prince Charming dream and the idea that a man who truly loves you would want to “make you his.” But it’s not unreasonable for him not to want it. Ultimately if marriage is important to you, you either make him marry you with an ultimatum or you split up and each find somebody who wants the same things.

VikingOnTheFridge · 03/12/2021 22:29

It isn't necessarily only a legal contract, it can be important for other reasons too, but the legal implications are the bits that aren't a matter of opinion. And in your situation it doesn't sound like you would gain much from them.

ChangeChingyChange · 03/12/2021 23:09

Getting married won't join you financially. You'll only be linked to him financially if you share any finances like a current account, loan etc. So just being married won't effect you. But then it sounds like he has other excuses not just the debt one so it might still not convince him to marry.

Spanglybangles · 03/12/2021 23:09

It’s tricky isn’t it. I’ve been with my OH for 17 years, we have 2 children together and we are not married. I would prefer to be married, because I love him, because I was raised in a family where everyone was married, no divorce, also for financial security for us both aswell as our children.

I won’t pressure him though, I don’t want him to marry me because he feels pushed into it. He was raised in a very different environment, broken home, divorce, DV and had a very different view of marriage than me. We own our home equally, I earn my own money etc. I would like us to marry one day, but if we dont, I’m as protected as I can be outwith marriage. We both have vocalised that we plan to be together forever, so that will do for me.

Make sure you are financially as secure as possible OP, if nothing else.

Branleuse · 03/12/2021 23:12

Your child would lose. Youd be mad to get married and basically hand over your childs inheritance to a man at this point, never mind a man with poor money skills

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 03/12/2021 23:15

In your situation, he is the only one who would gain legally/financially by marriage. If he doesn't want to marry, therefore, you can assume this is a disinterested stance and based on his genuinely-held principles.

You don't mention if either of you has a religious faith, but there are non-legal commitment-type ceremonies you could undertake (e.g. hand fasting) if that would be something you'd be interested in exploring.

HollowTalk · 03/12/2021 23:16

You would have to be insane to get married to him. Marriage is a legally binding contract and you and your dc would be the losers.

MissSmiley · 03/12/2021 23:17

@ChangeChingyChange

This is completely false

RedDeadRoach · 03/12/2021 23:18

You'd be mad to marry him. He doesn't want to anyway.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2021 23:18

Don’t marry him.

parietal · 03/12/2021 23:20

if you marry him, he will own half your house & can inherit everything if you died. so your child could be left with nothing.

why do you want to marry? if it is for the dress & party, you could do that without the legal bit. but if you own the house & he has bad debts, you could lose by tying yourself legally & financially to him.

ChangeChingyChange · 03/12/2021 23:21

@MissSmiley no its not. Years ago my husband had huge debt problems. We never shared finances or a mortgage etc etc. He then went bankrupt and I still have perfect credit. I own our house and always have and our car etc so he had no assets. We went through the full process and declared everything and they agreed he had no assets and was not financially linked to me. If you check your credit report it has a section that lists those you're financially linked to - you have to have accounts with those people to show linked. Suggest you do some research or back up a claim of falseness before just throwing that out there.

Yololollipop · 03/12/2021 23:21

I dont understand any of you...

If someone is not worth marrying then why the hell are you dating them...let alone living with them?!

As adults you should aim for serious, stable, long term relationships, with husband material parners.

Yololollipop · 03/12/2021 23:22

So either find a marriagable/spouse material partner, or move on.

ChangeChingyChange · 03/12/2021 23:23

Oh and just to add - if you get married you don't have to change your name anywhere to your married name including bank accounts etc. So you could go down that route if you wanted to get married but not risk a name change for some reason.

Carboncheque · 03/12/2021 23:26

’He is also really intelligent and attained a scholarship to Eton when he was age 10 but he dropped out as it was different to the Northern England lifestyle and he didn't enjoy it.’

He must have been very intelligent to get into a school that takes 13 year olds at 10.

Wombat69 · 03/12/2021 23:28

[quote ChangeChingyChange]@MissSmiley no its not. Years ago my husband had huge debt problems. We never shared finances or a mortgage etc etc. He then went bankrupt and I still have perfect credit. I own our house and always have and our car etc so he had no assets. We went through the full process and declared everything and they agreed he had no assets and was not financially linked to me. If you check your credit report it has a section that lists those you're financially linked to - you have to have accounts with those people to show linked. Suggest you do some research or back up a claim of falseness before just throwing that out there.[/quote]
He would have a claim on your house, savings & pension if you divorced. Equitable rights from being married.

HollowTalk · 03/12/2021 23:31

@Carboncheque

’He is also really intelligent and attained a scholarship to Eton when he was age 10 but he dropped out as it was different to the Northern England lifestyle and he didn't enjoy it.’

He must have been very intelligent to get into a school that takes 13 year olds at 10.

Yes, I thought that! I'm not sure what the north of England lifestyle is really is, even though I live here.

Wombat69 · 03/12/2021 23:34

Everyone should read a proper description of rights & responsibilities, or lack of them. Then decide but for the OP, marriage is a risk.

[https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences]

Original poster

Edisonbulb · 03/12/2021 23:36

@Carboncheque

’He is also really intelligent and attained a scholarship to Eton when he was age 10 but he dropped out as it was different to the Northern England lifestyle and he didn't enjoy it.’

He must have been very intelligent to get into a school that takes 13 year olds at 10.

It was 13. I just asked him again. He doesn't really talk about it.

Thanks all for the replies.

OP posts:

ThatLibraryMiss · 03/12/2021 23:38

Yes, I thought that! I'm not sure what the north of England lifestyle is really is, even though I live here.

Cloth caps, clogs striking sparks from t'cobbles, whippets and coal in t'bath.

Or maybe OP means relatively affordable housing, people who smile at you in the street and countryside within 15 minutes' drive. Can't see a 10-y-o being convinced by that, though. And we do have our share of posh gits and good private schools oop North so it wasn't the culture shock of getting a decent education.

Original poster

edisonbulb · 03/12/2021 23:40

Yes, I thought that! I'm not sure what the north of England lifestyle is really is, even though I live here.

Just different from when I lived in the south. Guess the opportunities aren't the same. It is hard to explain.

OP posts:

JeffThePilot · 03/12/2021 23:41

@Yololollipop

I dont understand any of you...

If someone is not worth marrying then why the hell are you dating them...let alone living with them?!

As adults you should aim for serious, stable, long term relationships, with husband material parners.

Not everyone wants to get married. Surely that’s not too hard to understand?

I mean, I know some people struggle to put themselves in the shoes of people who have different lives and values, but this really shouldn’t be a tricky one.

Original poster

Edisonbulb · 03/12/2021 23:42

@ThatLibraryMiss

Yes, I thought that! I'm not sure what the north of England lifestyle is really is, even though I live here.

Cloth caps, clogs striking sparks from t'cobbles, whippets and coal in t'bath.

He didn't like the family he had to stay with and wanted to come home.

OP posts:

GreenLunchBox · 03/12/2021 23:45

@Branleuse

Your child would lose. Youd be mad to get married and basically hand over your childs inheritance to a man at this point, never mind a man with poor money skills

This! Absolute fruitcake

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