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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bf doesn't want to get married.

75 replies

edisonbulb · 03/12/2021 22:15

Been with partner for 8 years. He doesn't want to ever get married. He says he wants to be with me because he wants to be with me, not because the government say we owe each other. He is also worried his prior debt would effect me.

Long story, but because of his Mother and bad decisions he has a CCJ for a lot of money which is now 8 years old. He pays a monthly payment to this debt.

Our house is in my name. I am the higher earner. I have a child age 14. Not his. So its only me who would lose.

So why do I want to get married? It is him that says it would make no difference as its just a legal concept anyway and I would lose should he die.

He is also really intelligent and attained a scholarship to Eton when he was age 10 but he dropped out as it was different to the Northern England lifestyle and he didn't enjoy it.

I love him but want to be married? Is it just a legal concept?

OP posts:

Original poster

Edisonbulb · 03/12/2021 23:51

He has never had any debt in his life. Not even car finance.

He was a guarantor for hos Mother in 2008 as a favour. She sadly lost the business.

OP posts:

HelplesslyHoping · 04/12/2021 00:23

I'm not an expert, but would a civil partnership be safer for you both financially, whilst still being a step up from bf/gf?

Keepitonthedownlow · 04/12/2021 05:35

The main issue is your DC inheritance. What are your thoughts?

Fairysharey · 04/12/2021 08:02

He's told you he doesn't want to get married, and been pretty clear about it. That's the end of it. Financial matters are irrelevant. He doesn't want to marry you.

Original poster

Edisonbulb · 04/12/2021 08:08

@Keepitonthedownlow

The main issue is your DC inheritance. What are your thoughts?

He is paying half of the mortgage so I at least think he is entitled to that. He has no family and says he would leave it to dd but then who knows what happens if I were to die.

OP posts:

candycane222 · 04/12/2021 08:17

Me and dh did get legally married, just two witnesses , but our "real" wedding as far as we were concerned was a big party, all family and friends there, saying the vows we'd written in front of everyone, dads msking speeches etc. It was lovely and we do still refer to our very personal vows sometimes - 30 years later 😃

candycane222 · 04/12/2021 08:19

So I think you can make that very public commitment to put up eith each other, be faithful etc without legal marriage and it's still quite a stament imo. We did take it seriously!

Newmumatlast · 04/12/2021 08:26

@edisonbulb

Long story, but because of his Mother and bad decisions he has a CCJ for a lot of money which is now 8 years old. He pays a monthly payment to this debt.

Our house is in my name. I am the higher earner. I have a child age 14. Not his. So its only me who would lose.

So why do I want to get married? It is him that says it would make no difference as its just a legal concept anyway and I would lose should he die.

He is also really intelligent and attained a scholarship to Eton when he was age 10 but he dropped out as it was different to the Northern England lifestyle and he didn't enjoy it.

I love him but want to be married? Is it just a legal concept?

In the circumstances you describe I wouldn't get married until his debt is cleared and then would want to ensure I protected assets for my child. Its your child you need to think about more than you and what they could potentially lose if you died

MissSmiley · 04/12/2021 09:11

[quote ChangeChingyChange]@MissSmiley no its not. Years ago my husband had huge debt problems. We never shared finances or a mortgage etc etc. He then went bankrupt and I still have perfect credit. I own our house and always have and our car etc so he had no assets. We went through the full process and declared everything and they agreed he had no assets and was not financially linked to me. If you check your credit report it has a section that lists those you're financially linked to - you have to have accounts with those people to show linked. Suggest you do some research or back up a claim of falseness before just throwing that out there.[/quote]
That may be the case if the OP remained married but her assets are still at risk if he decided to divorce her so I consider that's a significant financial link. She wouldn't have to give him a penny if they split up and they weren't married.

ChargingBuck · 04/12/2021 09:17

@Yololollipop

I dont understand any of you...

If someone is not worth marrying then why the hell are you dating them...let alone living with them?!

As adults you should aim for serious, stable, long term relationships, with husband material parners.

Crikey - prescriptive, much?

Are you going to pass a law ordering all adults to immediately stop messing about, seek out someone they can bear to live with, & obtain a licence pronto? Or else ..?

What a bloody weird, controlling attitude @Yololollipop

saleorbouy · 04/12/2021 09:30

I understand he doesn't want to transfer his credit history to you.
Perhaps just make sure that legal provisions are in place regarding what you want to happen with your estate and your childs care if you die, will it include him or not? Also does he stay in the house etc.
Marriage protects these decisions but in a partnership you are just seen as Joe public.

Hoppinggreen · 04/12/2021 09:34

@edisonbulb

Yes, I thought that! I'm not sure what the north of England lifestyle is really is, even though I live here.

Just different from when I lived in the south. Guess the opportunities aren't the same. It is hard to explain.

It’s hard to explain because it doesn’t exist

refraction · 04/12/2021 09:37

It’s hard to explain because it doesn’t exist

It really does. North south divide is real.

DrSbaitso · 04/12/2021 09:39

@Branleuse

Your child would lose. Youd be mad to get married and basically hand over your childs inheritance to a man at this point, never mind a man with poor money skills

That's it.

Marriage is a legal contract and it's not always the best thing for the situation. That's why it needs to stay opt-in, so you two can live together but remain financially separate for as long as you wish, which in this case should be forever.

SeasonFinale · 04/12/2021 09:42

@Carboncheque

’He is also really intelligent and attained a scholarship to Eton when he was age 10 but he dropped out as it was different to the Northern England lifestyle and he didn't enjoy it.’

He must have been very intelligent to get into a school that takes 13 year olds at 10.

I was going to say that by this comment we know he is dishonest.

grapewine · 04/12/2021 09:45

Half your posts are under a different name. Bit confusing.

Don't get married. In your situation it makes zero sense. Besides, why do you want to marry someone, who doesn't want to marry you?

TheWernethWife · 04/12/2021 09:51

He didn't like the family he had to stay with and wanted to come home

What family! surely he would be boarding at the school.

Hoppinggreen · 04/12/2021 10:07

@refraction

It’s hard to explain because it doesn’t exist

It really does. North south divide is real.

Nope

BasicDad · 04/12/2021 10:16

A solid prenup drawn up by good legal representation on both sides will be upheld in court on any future divorce.

Ignore the naysayers.

Your DP might not want to get married due to the overall burden of cost though.

LuaDipa · 04/12/2021 10:19

@Branleuse

Your child would lose. Youd be mad to get married and basically hand over your childs inheritance to a man at this point, never mind a man with poor money skills

This!! I will never understand why a secure person with dc would want to marry again and complicate everything. Think of your dc and stay as you are.

MissMinutes24 · 04/12/2021 10:25

There's a few things going on here.

Usually a man who doesn't want to get married is, in my experience, not truly committed.

In this case however it benefits you because you are financially in a better position. So that's a good thing. But I have to be honest I would still be slightly uneasy being with a man who doesn't want to get married.

I will say this though - the thing about him dropping out of Eton sounds like bullshit. Is there any evidence of this? Does he have any evidence? Does he have any friends from his time at Eton?

Are there any other things he tells you that seem a bit far fetched?

MissMinutes24 · 04/12/2021 10:28

@BasicDad

A solid prenup drawn up by good legal representation on both sides will be upheld in court on any future divorce.

Ignore the naysayers.

Your DP might not want to get married due to the overall burden of cost though.

Absolutely untrue. Prenups are only excepted in very limited, specific circumstances in the UK. So even if you sign one there's no guarantee it will be accepted by the court in the event you divorce.

And if you have kids together or circumstances change significantly the prenup goes straight out of the window.

MissMinutes24 · 04/12/2021 10:28

*accepted (not excepted)

VikingOnTheFridge · 04/12/2021 10:33

@BasicDad

A solid prenup drawn up by good legal representation on both sides will be upheld in court on any future divorce.

Ignore the naysayers.

Your DP might not want to get married due to the overall burden of cost though.

There's absolutely no 'will' about it. The word you are looking for is 'may'.

Thehop · 04/12/2021 10:43

@Carboncheque

’He is also really intelligent and attained a scholarship to Eton when he was age 10 but he dropped out as it was different to the Northern England lifestyle and he didn't enjoy it.’

He must have been very intelligent to get into a school that takes 13 year olds at 10.

I also thought this. I think he’s telling you porkies OP

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