Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bf doesn't want to get married.

75 replies

edisonbulb · 03/12/2021 22:15

Been with partner for 8 years. He doesn't want to ever get married. He says he wants to be with me because he wants to be with me, not because the government say we owe each other. He is also worried his prior debt would effect me.

Long story, but because of his Mother and bad decisions he has a CCJ for a lot of money which is now 8 years old. He pays a monthly payment to this debt.

Our house is in my name. I am the higher earner. I have a child age 14. Not his. So its only me who would lose.

So why do I want to get married? It is him that says it would make no difference as its just a legal concept anyway and I would lose should he die.

He is also really intelligent and attained a scholarship to Eton when he was age 10 but he dropped out as it was different to the Northern England lifestyle and he didn't enjoy it.

I love him but want to be married? Is it just a legal concept?

OP posts:
BasicDad · 04/12/2021 10:46

They can be challenged, and rightly so. If it is done right though, they will be upheld for the overwhelming majority.

It's definitely not a zero risk option, and it's right to consider. I don't subscribe to the automatic you'd be mad gang. There are much bigger risks in the world than a well executed prenup.

Don't ever sign anything you're uncomfortable with, and make sure you 110% understand what it is that you're agreeing.

CheddarGorgeous · 04/12/2021 11:00

@Carboncheque

’He is also really intelligent and attained a scholarship to Eton when he was age 10 but he dropped out as it was different to the Northern England lifestyle and he didn't enjoy it.’

He must have been very intelligent to get into a school that takes 13 year olds at 10.

Indeed. I smell BS. If he's that clever why isn't he working in a highly paid job and clearing his debts...

QuizzlyBear · 04/12/2021 11:11

Not sure why this stood out but Erin doesn't take pupils under 13. Are you sure he's. being honest

Roundles · 04/12/2021 11:25

Eton is a boarding school. Having some experience with schools that had pupils board with families (not Eton because i doubt so much thats possible), if you dont like your host family, you can move to another. This reminds me awfully of the poster whos husband was a 'genius' but couldnt get a job..

RantyAunty · 04/12/2021 11:43

What does he do now for work and how did he get in so much debt?

KikoLemons · 04/12/2021 12:12

My parents stayed married until one of them died fifty years later. I don't want to get married. (So don't equate reluctance to marry with "broken homes and DV" Confused. )

Marriage or not - nothing to do with love or committment - a legal and, for some, religious contract. Easily broken - we see it on here every day. "We've been married 3/5/12 years and DH has just done XXXX. AIBU to divorce?" Responses usually "get ducks in a row, gather paperwork, get a free half hour with a solicitor, change the locks" So much for that.

As others have said you'd be putting your child's future at risk if you got married. It makes no sense financially for you either.
Either you love someone and want to stay with them - or you don't.

Nothing to do with marriage. Enjoy and value what you have

WellLarDeDar · 04/12/2021 12:35

This might sound a bit dumb but a friend of mine was in a similar relationship where he didn't want to get married and she did. Both stubborn but wanted to stay together. So they compromised and bought each other a ring, they both wear their rings but they didn't get married. It kind of appeased them both, I think it was just symbolic or something. Just a suggestion though, I'm sure a lot of MNers will think it's a really silly idea!

GreenLunchBox · 04/12/2021 13:07

@BasicDad

A solid prenup drawn up by good legal representation on both sides will be upheld in court on any future divorce.

Ignore the naysayers.

Your DP might not want to get married due to the overall burden of cost though.

The guy is paying off an eight year old debt. How's he gonna afford a pre-nup?
Libertaire · 04/12/2021 13:10

So why do I want to get married?

You ask the key question yourself, then you don’t answer it. Why do you want to get married?

Original poster
Edisonbulb · 04/12/2021 21:24

@MissMinutes24

There's a few things going on here.

Usually a man who doesn't want to get married is, in my experience, not truly committed.

In this case however it benefits you because you are financially in a better position. So that's a good thing. But I have to be honest I would still be slightly uneasy being with a man who doesn't want to get married.

I will say this though - the thing about him dropping out of Eton sounds like bullshit. Is there any evidence of this? Does he have any evidence? Does he have any friends from his time at Eton?

Are there any other things he tells you that seem a bit far fetched?

It was his Mother who told me he is embarrassed about the whole thing. She has shown me the test scores he got. Think he stayed with a family while he visited. Said it wasn't for him. He is very honest so some sort of weird lie if it is made up.

He doesn't want to get married as he says the legal bit and love seem to interfere and he does want to protect me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edisonbulb · 04/12/2021 21:26

@RantyAunty

What does he do now for work and how did he get in so much debt?
Both teachers. The debt is from being a gurantor from him Mums failed business during the recession.
OP posts:
Original poster
edisonbulb · 04/12/2021 21:29

The debt was shared but his Mum went bankrupt and this left him liable for the lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edisonbulb · 04/12/2021 21:31

@KikoLemons

My parents stayed married until one of them died fifty years later. I don't want to get married. (So don't equate reluctance to marry with "broken homes and DV" Confused. )

Marriage or not - nothing to do with love or committment - a legal and, for some, religious contract. Easily broken - we see it on here every day. "We've been married 3/5/12 years and DH has just done XXXX. AIBU to divorce?" Responses usually "get ducks in a row, gather paperwork, get a free half hour with a solicitor, change the locks" So much for that.

As others have said you'd be putting your child's future at risk if you got married. It makes no sense financially for you either.
Either you love someone and want to stay with them - or you don't.

Nothing to do with marriage. Enjoy and value what you have

Thanks this is a nice post.

I think I want to get married because thats the done thing but yes maybe it is pointless especially in my situation. You are right you want to be with someone or you don't.

OP posts:
PrincessNutella · 04/12/2021 21:45

I think I might start shopping around for a new man. There just doesn't seem to be a future there. You want to be married, and he doesn't. He isn't in a position to get married, and you are. He has had eight years to grow up, and he hasn't. Cut your losses.

refraction · 05/12/2021 13:44

@PrincessNutella

I think I might start shopping around for a new man. There just doesn't seem to be a future there. You want to be married, and he doesn't. He isn't in a position to get married, and you are. He has had eight years to grow up, and he hasn't. Cut your losses.
Why does growing up equate to marriage?
EdgeOfTheSky · 05/12/2021 13:50

Primarily marriage is a contract whereby you become a legal partnership, and property etc belong to that partnership.

In your situation there is no way I would marry and potentially sign away half your property to him rather than your child.

Have a ten year anniversary? Invite friends and family, have a big do etc? If it is a ceremony of love and commitment you crave?

Skysblue · 05/12/2021 13:54

OP any relationship question on Mumsnet will just get you the reply “Leave him!” And no one is going to be very nice about your partner because you mentioned Eton 😬 and there’s a lot of reverse snobery on Mumsnet.

Anyway. I feel sorry for the guy, he was bright enough to get a scholrship, nice enough to guarantee his mum’s business, unlucky that it failed in the recession and now he’s trying to protect you financially from the results of that.

I totally understand your desire to get married though. Standing up in front of everyone you both know and vowing to love and look after each other forever through good and bad is special, and there are a lot of legal rights and protections that come with it (eg being next of kin etc). Plus if you have children it is very confusing for the chikd when their parents aren’t married etc.

Ask a family lawyer how you can marry each other and still protect your assets from the CCJ. For example could the house and a lot of £ perhaps go into a trust for your child with you as the sole trustee?

Limer · 05/12/2021 13:56

Why do you keep name-changing every few minutes?

Do you want a marriage, or a wedding?

I would strongly advise you against marrying anyone, and certainly not your current partner, who's a proven liar regarding his Eton scholarship at age 10, so what else is he lying about?

Marvellousmadness · 05/12/2021 13:56

Get a prenup op! :)

LiveFromNewYork · 05/12/2021 14:10

I think you need to be clearer about why you want to get married. ‘It’s just the done thing’ is pretty feeble. If you don’t even entirely know why then you’ll have a hard time ever convincing him.

Plenty of women on here are told they need to be married for financial security but that just doesn’t seem to apply here. Plenty of women on here also do get married and the relationship goes tits up, marriage doesn’t guarantee anything and is harder to get out of. Still others are single and looking and would love to be in your position. I’d just value what you have and not get bogged down in what I assume are romantic ideals. A partner demonstrates how committed they are by what they do every day not by whether or not you are married.

But that’s speaking as someone who never envisioned getting married and who thinks the whole thing can come with some pretty sexist baggage.

Original poster
Edisonbulb · 05/12/2021 14:11

@Limer

Why do you keep name-changing every few minutes?

Do you want a marriage, or a wedding?

I would strongly advise you against marrying anyone, and certainly not your current partner, who's a proven liar regarding his Eton scholarship at age 10, so what else is he lying about?

He was 13 as I previously said. I got it incorrect. He doesn't talk about it. It was his Mother who told me. He is not a proven liar.

The Eron thing is irrelevant really. It's not like we are rich.

I keep name changing as I forget to change it at the top in the app.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edisonbulb · 05/12/2021 14:11

@Skysblue

OP any relationship question on Mumsnet will just get you the reply “Leave him!” And no one is going to be very nice about your partner because you mentioned Eton 😬 and there’s a lot of reverse snobery on Mumsnet.

Anyway. I feel sorry for the guy, he was bright enough to get a scholrship, nice enough to guarantee his mum’s business, unlucky that it failed in the recession and now he’s trying to protect you financially from the results of that.

I totally understand your desire to get married though. Standing up in front of everyone you both know and vowing to love and look after each other forever through good and bad is special, and there are a lot of legal rights and protections that come with it (eg being next of kin etc). Plus if you have children it is very confusing for the chikd when their parents aren’t married etc.

Ask a family lawyer how you can marry each other and still protect your assets from the CCJ. For example could the house and a lot of £ perhaps go into a trust for your child with you as the sole trustee?

What a lovely post. Thank you
OP posts:
Original poster
Edisonbulb · 05/12/2021 14:12

@LiveFromNewYork

I think you need to be clearer about why you want to get married. ‘It’s just the done thing’ is pretty feeble. If you don’t even entirely know why then you’ll have a hard time ever convincing him.

Plenty of women on here are told they need to be married for financial security but that just doesn’t seem to apply here. Plenty of women on here also do get married and the relationship goes tits up, marriage doesn’t guarantee anything and is harder to get out of. Still others are single and looking and would love to be in your position. I’d just value what you have and not get bogged down in what I assume are romantic ideals. A partner demonstrates how committed they are by what they do every day not by whether or not you are married.

But that’s speaking as someone who never envisioned getting married and who thinks the whole thing can come with some pretty sexist baggage.

Absolutely
OP posts:
PooWillyNameChange · 05/12/2021 14:19

I'm not sure what Eton has to do with any of this?! Confused

If you're worried about the house just draw up a will that allows him to stay in it/to half of it? There may be some inheritance tax to pay if it's worth a substantial amount.

I wouldn't marry him. If he remarries your money may go to his new partner/her family.

What exactly is the legal or financial benefit of marriage for you?

Newestname002 · 05/12/2021 15:10

@edisonbulb

The debt was shared but his Mum went bankrupt and this left him liable for the lot.

Why didn't he file for bankruptcy also? Is that still a possibility? 🌹

New posts on this thread. Refresh page