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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No idea what to do about my Mum/DS Grandma

64 replies

ShropMum1 · 03/12/2021 10:46

My Mum is a lovely person but can be so, so difficult. DS is 9 months old and adores her, wants her to do everything with him; she is his best friend in the whole world. My DH's parents live over 3 hours away and love our DS so much, wish they could see him more. My Aunt barely puts my son down when she comes to visit.

The problem is that my Mum doesn't seem to want to do anything with him. When she hasn't seen him in a while, she wants to FaceTime him and chat with him/tells him how much she loves and misses him... but when she comes to stay or even just comes over, she sits on her phone or finds anything else to do rather than actually holding my son/doing anything with him. Her excuses range from 'Oh he's just too heavy for me' to 'I can't bend down like that'. She has never played with him. Even asking her to give him a bottle so I can eat something generates an exasperated response.

My Mum is 72 but fit as a fiddle, no health problems or physical conditions of any kind. She rides her exercise bike for 40 minutes a day and walks, etc. She almost seems annoyed when I ask if she could watch him or hold him so I can have a shower/go to the toilet. I just find it really odd that she claims to adore him so much but doesn't even want to sit and hold him, but when she sees him it's all 'oh I've missed him so much, he's so gorgeous' and holds him for about five seconds before she'd rather be doing something else. I've caught her putting him straight into a bouncer or on the floor in his playroom when I've gone out of sight, just so she can go on her bloody phone.

I've tried raising this with her but she always turns it around on me and somehow I am being horrible by asking her to spend time with her grandson rather than scrolling through Facebook?

AIBU to want her to be more present?

OP posts:

Whoopsies · 03/12/2021 11:17

My mil is very similar, she will throw sweets in their direction, but doesn't play with them or really bother to interact. It does make me sad, but at the end of the day it's her choice, she doesn't have to want to spend time with them.

Hirewiredays · 03/12/2021 11:19

Same here, I think this is a generation thing really.

Skeumorph · 03/12/2021 11:21

You can't make her.

But I'd caution against this:

DS is 9 months old and adores her, wants her to do everything with him; she is his best friend in the whole world.

He doesn't feel like that. He's 9 months. He certainly doesn't feel like that if she basically doesn't engage fairly in depth with him when she does see him: she will barely figure on his radar of important people.

Don't whip yourself into a state like that because you CAN'T CHANGE HER. Go with the flow, take support elsewhere, and don't let her call the shots because you want your DS to have a good grandma relationship. See her less, and when she complain just say 'Well you don't really want to engage with him so I wouldn't worry about it.' Pull back.

She has no obligation here and your best bet is to draw back yourself until she feels she's missing out.

Littleclue · 03/12/2021 11:26

How can she be “his best friend in all the world “ if she doesn’t interact with him at all? I really don’t understand that one.

MojoMoon · 03/12/2021 11:27

He is 9 months old.

He doesn't have a best friend. Or want her to do everything for him. At this point in his understanding, she doesn't really exist to him when she isn't right in his eye line.

If she is barely engaging, she will barely register to him.

Are you projecting a bit? You want her attention/adoration/engagement yourself? (Which is totally fine! She is your mother)

Some people aren't very interested in babies. They are not actually very interesting when they aren't your own one. She may well love him but still not be particularly interested in taking care of him - it can be quite dull!

Just accept that is what she is like and don't try and force something else on it, you will just make yourself miserable

ittakes2 · 03/12/2021 11:43

Sorry you lost me on your son being 9 months old and he adores her, wants her to do everything with him! Unless that was a typo 9 month old babies can’t express wishes to do everything with their grandparent!

maras2 · 03/12/2021 11:47

hirewiredays
It most certainly not a 'generation thing'.
I'm 68 and a grandparent to 3 now much older grandkids.
DH and I happily provided free child care or all 3 from the age of 6 months till they started school and I can assure you that we were very hands on, played with and read to them as most normal people do.
All of our friends and peers did/do the same with their grandchildren.
However I think that OP is maybe overthinking her 9 month old's feelings toward her son's grandma. From what I can remember babies of this age love anyone who gives them a bit of attention, including cats, dogs etc.

Original poster

ShropMum1 · 03/12/2021 11:52

Sorry, I should have clarified that section a little further. My son lights up when he sees her, on FaceTime or in person, and doesn’t do the same for any other grandparent/family member (obviously not me or DH). He is so excited when she visits, reaching out for her to hold him or giving a book to her because he wants to read it with her. I really want them to have this relationship, I’m just worried that he will be bitterly disappointed as he gets older and realises how one-sided it is.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 03/12/2021 11:58

So she visits and she calls him but that’s not enough? You have already said he has a bond with her so she obviously isn’t doing that bad a job!

Babies don’t need holding all the time, if he is happy in his bouncer or on his playmat what’s the issue?

And let’s face it. Babies can be pretty boring a lot of the time! Much more fun when they get a bit older.

Original poster

ShropMum1 · 03/12/2021 12:03

She hasn’t seen him in 3 weeks, told me she was coming to help me with the baby because I wasn’t very well but then doesn’t want to do anything with him. She wants to go on her phone. That’s the problem that I have, if that clears any confusion up.

OP posts:

Crumbwell · 03/12/2021 12:04

A 9 month old gives her a book to read with him? Babies have changed since mine were that age

MojoMoon · 03/12/2021 12:04

He'll only be disappointed if he is brought up to believe the relationship should be different.

If it is just "at it is", then he will accept it as it is.

You are the one bitterly disappointed because clearly you are hoping for something else.

I had a fairly arm's length relationship with my grandmother. She had seven kids and multiple grandchildren and wasn't bothered much with engaging much with any of us individually. She sent birthday cards and asked us how we were at family gatherings and always gave us all a quid for sweets but she never played with us or took care of us.
None of her grandchildren ever experienced or expected any different so we weren't disappointed at all. She was fond of us. That was plenty.

I think the issue here is really the relationship you have with your mother. Do you feel like you were close when you were young?

Original poster

ShropMum1 · 03/12/2021 12:12

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there @MojoMoon. Clearly I am hoping for a reciprocal relationship for my DS and his grandmother and I am sure that when he’s much older she will want to do more things with him. No, my mum had quite an unusual high flying job so I would sometimes go 6 months in one go without seeing her. She wasn’t very maternal and I’m obviously hoping that she will be different with my DS but that’s clearly unrealistic!

OP posts:

Original poster

ShropMum1 · 03/12/2021 12:13

@Crumbwell yes he will pull a book out of his bookshelves, sit up and hand it to someone for them to read so he can turn the pages.

OP posts:

Polmuggle · 03/12/2021 12:32

@ShropMum1

So be blatant "thanks so much for coming to help when I'm ill. I'm off to bed".

ParishSpinster · 03/12/2021 12:35

From my experience, babies can be a bit like cats. They gravitate towards people who are disinterested in them. An inherent nature.

Nanny0gg · 03/12/2021 13:09

@Hirewiredays

Same here, I think this is a generation thing really.

Oh bollocks!!!

You do realise many many grandparents do childcare, don't you?

I've got 4 of mine tonight for tea and my DH is doing the school pickup

I am do sick to the back teeth of this 'generation' crap on here.

Original poster

ShropMum1 · 03/12/2021 13:21

@Nanny0gg my mum has never looked after DS. Was amazed when I took him to playgroup and grandma’s were there with their grandchildren because they look after them multiple days a week! Would love to have a cup of coffee with DH before DS goes to school haha

OP posts:

Antsgomarching · 03/12/2021 13:43

I think babies can be quite boring tbh. I have a toddler and I dread being asked to babysit any of her children, happily I’m an older mum so hopefully she’ll think I’m too doddery to be left in sole charge of a child when/if she has her own children (if she needed help ofcourse I would send DH)

I think loads of kids in my family are bloody adorable and I genuinely do miss not seeing them if I haven’t seen them for a long time but trying to play with them can be a real grind for me (I find playing with my very much loved DD a grinc too) Maybe your mum is the same. Many women are just not that maternal. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you or your son.

Original poster

ShropMum1 · 03/12/2021 14:33

Thank you @Antsgomarching, my Mum was 41 when she had me so I wonder if this is also part of the issue. Obviously she loves him but doesn't want to hold him or play with him - it's clearly my issue rather than hers.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 04/12/2021 09:04

@ShropMum1

Thank you *@Antsgomarching*, my Mum was 41 when she had me so I wonder if this is also part of the issue. Obviously she loves him but doesn't want to hold him or play with him - it's clearly my issue rather than hers.

It's personal preference imo.

I am grandma to older children now and I really miss the babies. I'm not one for playing much but I do miss the cuddles.

MeltedButter · 04/12/2021 09:12

My mum loves babies and toddlers. She would play all day with mine but she and my Dad moved to live a 9 hour flight away. I'm so bitter about it.

I really want to accept it so that my kids can see it as a novelty that they have family in an exotic country. They get to see them once a year and when they do they get spoilt rotten. I got no help with childcare so I've got to see their role as just people who will love my children, nothing more.

I need to change my mind set, it's hard.

daisypond · 04/12/2021 09:18

Maybe she doesn’t do babies. They’re a bit boring. When he’s a toddler, it might be completely different.

Hoppinggreen · 04/12/2021 09:22

@ShropMum1

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there *@MojoMoon*. Clearly I am hoping for a reciprocal relationship for my DS and his grandmother and I am sure that when he’s much older she will want to do more things with him. No, my mum had quite an unusual high flying job so I would sometimes go 6 months in one go without seeing her. She wasn’t very maternal and I’m obviously hoping that she will be different with my DS but that’s clearly unrealistic!

Sorry OP but you are seriously projecting here She wasn’t a very hands on Mum so you are hoping she will be a much more hands on Grandma but she isn’t Lower your expectations or you will just end up disappointed

Iggly · 04/12/2021 09:25

If she wasn’t maternal with you then there’s your clue.

Maybe babies are uncomfortable for her and she doesn’t know or want to interact that much. That’ll be why she’s so defensive when you ask her.

So I would give up on this, stop pushing it.

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