No idea what to do about my Mum/DS Grandma

[ShropMum1]

My Mum is a lovely person but can be so, so difficult. DS is 9 months old and adores her, wants her to do everything with him; she is his best friend in the whole world. My DH's parents live over 3 hours away and love our DS so much, wish they could see him more. My Aunt barely puts my son down when she comes to visit.

The problem is that my Mum doesn't seem to want to do anything with him. When she hasn't seen him in a while, she wants to FaceTime him and chat with him/tells him how much she loves and misses him... but when she comes to stay or even just comes over, she sits on her phone or finds anything else to do rather than actually holding my son/doing anything with him. Her excuses range from 'Oh he's just too heavy for me' to 'I can't bend down like that'. She has never played with him. Even asking her to give him a bottle so I can eat something generates an exasperated response.

My Mum is 72 but fit as a fiddle, no health problems or physical conditions of any kind. She rides her exercise bike for 40 minutes a day and walks, etc. She almost seems annoyed when I ask if she could watch him or hold him so I can have a shower/go to the toilet. I just find it really odd that she claims to adore him so much but doesn't even want to sit and hold him, but when she sees him it's all 'oh I've missed him so much, he's so gorgeous' and holds him for about five seconds before she'd rather be doing something else. I've caught her putting him straight into a bouncer or on the floor in his playroom when I've gone out of sight, just so she can go on her bloody phone.

I've tried raising this with her but she always turns it around on me and somehow I am being horrible by asking her to spend time with her grandson rather than scrolling through Facebook?

AIBU to want her to be more present?

@ittakes2

Sorry you lost me on your son being 9 months old and he adores her, wants her to do everything with him! Unless that was a typo 9 month old babies can’t express wishes to do everything with their grandparent!

This.

9 months?

How can this be if she has very little engagement with him?

Leave your mother alone.

Not everyone wants to be all over children.

Perhaps it is as much as she has to give at 72.

YANBU to wish she took more of an interest, but YABU to think she ever will.

DFIL is the same - likes to pretend to be doting grandfather but isn’t actually interested in DS as a person. Gets arsey that DS prefers my DM to him, but seems to ignore that that she sees him every week and plays with him, while DFIL sees DS once or twice a year and doesn’t interact with him.

Thanks for all your messages and words of advice. I absolutely accept that I want her to have a different relationship with my DS than she had with me. I had an unusual relationship with both my parents and there was significant emotional neglect. I didn’t have any living grandparents so obviously I’m delighted that DS does, but need to change my outlook on how my mum ‘should’ behave. This post has really helped me to understand that I am hoping for an outcome that was different from my own, and there’s not really any point in doing that so I’m not going to any more

I’m struggling to understand why she comes over under the guise of ‘helping’, only to sit on her phone and make quite literally any excuse to not help. She denies having a tech addiction but is absolutely obsessed with Facebook so there’s that.

No, I don’t feel the need to constantly interact with my DS. What I don’t agree with is ignoring a baby when they are distressed/hungry/have a need that needs to be met just so I can sit on my phone. Personal opinion, understand others will have a different view from me I’m sure.

Looking after a 9 month old can be really hard physically for someone in their 70s. I am much younger than that and would appear fit and active to most people. But I have recurrent back problems and would not be able to lift a large baby for any length of time. I have explained that to my DC. I am quite happy to babysit the older grand children but babies and toddlers are just too much.

I think if your Mum keeps showing up and doing face time the relationship will naturally develop as he gets older. Honestly I loved seeing my niece as a baby but it's only now she getting older a natuaral relationship is developing. It felt a bit forced by my brother when she was a baby as he was obviously keen for us to have a good bond. I found it a bit uncomfortable and prescribed. Now she's older (nearly 2) we are finding our own pace and connection and my brother has backed off a bit if that makes sense!

But OP why is up to your mothetr to meet your baby's needs?

Distressed/hungry?

Surely that is your jobe to meet your baby's needs, not your mother's.

I understand you say you were neglected but I'm not getting why it is your mother's responsibility to meet your baby's badic needs.

Am I missing something?

I think you’re (understandably) sad that your mum isn’t a enamoured with your son as you’d like, but I do think you’re projecting that she’s his ‘best friend’. He’s nine months old and not capable of that sort of relationship.

Coming round to your house and sitting on her phone is rude. That’s it. My brother does this. I just tell him if he’s going to come round I don’t want him sitting on his phone. It’s pointless and rude and he may as well stay at home if he isn’t going to engage.

Sorry my point is next time she wants to come round just be honest and say I don’t see the point if you’re just going to sit on your phone the whole time

@billy1966 again, should have made that clearer. Sometimes she will come round so that I can have a shower. When I’m showering or getting out of the shower, sometimes I hear him crying so I come downstairs to find him crying in his bouncer while she ignores him and sits on her phone. I immediately point out that he’s upset because he’s been in there for too long and she will say something like “Oh he’s only just started doing that!”, even though I’ve heard it for over 5-10 minutes.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91 it’s really difficult because if I even mention that she’s on her phone too much she kicks off.

Just say it before she comes. Honestly she can’t come round if she sits on her phone. She clearly has an addiction and it is an absolute waste of time. What’s the point of her watching your child whilst you shower if she’s not actually? Pointless.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91 it really worries me. Sometimes she puts him on the floor to “play” while she goes on her phone and he’s at that age where he wants to get into everything and touch everything. Scared he could get hurt to be honest. But like I said, she denies that she ever goes on her phone - if I gave her an ultimatum like that she probably wouldn’t speak to me for over a week and only then if I apologised.

People will say it’s controlling and blah blah but it actually sounds dangerous and toxic. I would give her the ultimatum or have some sort of serious chat about it. I wouldn’t apologise or back track. She won’t react differently to you until you act differently with her. Be firm. Sometimes it feels like bad help is better than no help but it isn’t. This is a bullshit situation. FWIW my mother and MIL don’t exactly look after my boys in the way I would like the best - there is lots of screen time and lots of throwing chocolate at them BUT they engage as well snd they are never on their phone/they are actually happy to see them. So It’s not that my expectations are unreasonably high; it’s just nonsense to have her there on her phone (as I say it’s a huge pet peeve as my brother is like this)