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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No idea what to do about my Mum/DS Grandma

64 replies

ShropMum1 · 03/12/2021 10:46

My Mum is a lovely person but can be so, so difficult. DS is 9 months old and adores her, wants her to do everything with him; she is his best friend in the whole world. My DH's parents live over 3 hours away and love our DS so much, wish they could see him more. My Aunt barely puts my son down when she comes to visit.

The problem is that my Mum doesn't seem to want to do anything with him. When she hasn't seen him in a while, she wants to FaceTime him and chat with him/tells him how much she loves and misses him... but when she comes to stay or even just comes over, she sits on her phone or finds anything else to do rather than actually holding my son/doing anything with him. Her excuses range from 'Oh he's just too heavy for me' to 'I can't bend down like that'. She has never played with him. Even asking her to give him a bottle so I can eat something generates an exasperated response.

My Mum is 72 but fit as a fiddle, no health problems or physical conditions of any kind. She rides her exercise bike for 40 minutes a day and walks, etc. She almost seems annoyed when I ask if she could watch him or hold him so I can have a shower/go to the toilet. I just find it really odd that she claims to adore him so much but doesn't even want to sit and hold him, but when she sees him it's all 'oh I've missed him so much, he's so gorgeous' and holds him for about five seconds before she'd rather be doing something else. I've caught her putting him straight into a bouncer or on the floor in his playroom when I've gone out of sight, just so she can go on her bloody phone.

I've tried raising this with her but she always turns it around on me and somehow I am being horrible by asking her to spend time with her grandson rather than scrolling through Facebook?

AIBU to want her to be more present?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 04/12/2021 09:29

my mum had quite an unusual high flying job so I would sometimes go 6 months in one go without seeing her. She wasn’t very maternal and I’m obviously hoping that she will be different with my DS but that’s clearly unrealistic!

You’ve diagnosed the issue already. Now you just need to change your expectations and/or be direct and ask for what you need.

Changing expectations- appreciate that your DS loves to see her, stop expecting perfection in interactions but keep facilitating contact.

Ask for what you need:
‘Mum, DH and I would like to go out for 3 hours on Sat xth. Please can you watch DS?’
‘Mum, thank you for coming I am so exhausted and ill I’m going to bed for a nap. Can you take DS to the park?’

londonrach · 04/12/2021 09:31

Your D's is 9 months old, some people don't do babies. My DM doesn't do babies...now DD is five she a very interactive granny. Prior to her being 4 I think my DM held her maybe ten times at most. Your D's won't know now as he so young

AliveAndSleeping · 04/12/2021 09:32

@ShropMum1

Sorry, I should have clarified that section a little further. My son lights up when he sees her, on FaceTime or in person, and doesn’t do the same for any other grandparent/family member (obviously not me or DH). He is so excited when she visits, reaching out for her to hold him or giving a book to her because he wants to read it with her. I really want them to have this relationship, I’m just worried that he will be bitterly disappointed as he gets older and realises how one-sided it is.
He'll gradually feel less attached to her if she doesn't interact. don't worry it won't be a big shock for him as long as she's consistent (and not like hot and cold on different days)
PurBal · 04/12/2021 09:34

@Hirewiredays

Same here, I think this is a generation thing really.
This^^ “He needs alone time” is a constant from my mum. Why?!
Mindymomo · 04/12/2021 09:42

When my DC were little, all four GP were different in their own ways, DC soon realised my DF wasn’t hands on, but he loved to watch them doing things, so they knew he wouldn’t be sitting on floor with them to play, but would take toys and books to him. My MIL was the most involved from day one and even went part time so I could return to work. We only said yesterday DC probably spent a lot of their childhood with her. Step FIL wasn’t a child person, but would happily build things and take my boys into his workshop and do little things. My own DM was in a care home, visits there were special and not conventional, but I have happy memories of them being with her, but it also makes me sad that she was so looking forward to having grandchildren.

Sadly all GP are now gone, but I know my now adult DC were so lucky to have such wonderful GP in their lives.

saraclara · 04/12/2021 09:49

How can it be a generational thing when the vast majority of grandparents are very involved with their grandchildren, and many do childcare?

People are nuts. Because one grandparent or two on this thread are not into playing with their GCs, it's "a generational thing"?

SeasonFinale · 04/12/2021 09:50

Hsr age is not the issue at all.

The issue is you have decided what her relationship with your DS should be like and ot does not match the reality. You are the one bitterly disappointed (your words) and your DS will only become so if you continue to make an issue out of it.

MRex · 04/12/2021 09:51

You're getting a lot of involvement from other people, which is great and must be a huge help. You'll have to appreciate at some point that they will all have their own preferences about how to spend time with DS. Keep up the relationships, but it's asking for disappointment to keep hoping everyone will look after your child in the way you think is best.

SeasonFinale · 04/12/2021 09:52

@MeltedButter

My mum loves babies and toddlers. She would play all day with mine but she and my Dad moved to live a 9 hour flight away. I'm so bitter about it.

I really want to accept it so that my kids can see it as a novelty that they have family in an exotic country. They get to see them once a year and when they do they get spoilt rotten. I got no help with childcare so I've got to see their role as just people who will love my children, nothing more.

I need to change my mind set, it's hard.

Wow! I miss my parents because I won't get help with childcare .....
NoSquirrels · 04/12/2021 09:54

Who looked after you as a child when your mum was away for months at a time, OP? Did you have very close relationship with your grandparents as a result? If so, I can see why you feel this is really important. But you can’t force people to be what they’re not. Flowers

Kitkat151 · 04/12/2021 09:57

@MeltedButter

My mum loves babies and toddlers. She would play all day with mine but she and my Dad moved to live a 9 hour flight away. I'm so bitter about it.

I really want to accept it so that my kids can see it as a novelty that they have family in an exotic country. They get to see them once a year and when they do they get spoilt rotten. I got no help with childcare so I've got to see their role as just people who will love my children, nothing more.

I need to change my mind set, it's hard.

But grandparents are not there to provide childcare As a given?🙄. What are you bitter about? If your parents love your children and spoil them when they see them then that’s not a bad relationship I would say.
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/12/2021 10:02

My husbands family never played with my kids, I've never once seen them get on the floor with them. Distance also played a part as they don't live in the same country.

However when my eldest was about 4 she would just demand that they played a game with her (board game, memory game etc.) and they did, when it was one that people of any age could play (like snap and memory games) and not specific babies games. My point is they actually have a better relationship than I once thought.

However even if they didn't, there is nothing I could have done about it.

I think for you, it's probably more complicated as there may be feelings connected to your childhood (its unusual to leave your child for 6 months at a time as a mother) and it's a normal human reaction to want your parents to love your son as much as you do.

But you've already spoken to your mum and it's clear she either really doesn't want to have this level of interaction with your son or isnt capable of it. Which is a shame because it's likely that while he is little he wont be as close with her as a result. But that's ok, he has other people who love him. Your mum has been clear in her wishes and capabilities through her words and actions and now you need to accept it even though it's difficult. You can't 'do' anything about other peoples behaviour, the only thing you have control over is removing yourself from situations that override your boundaries however I don't think she has done anything thats so wrong that this is an option. So I think the best thing is to concentrate on building his relationships with others, don't rely on her for help unless its an emergency. It might change when he is older eg if they had a shared hobby but equally it might not, but either way your son won't be bothered if its all he has ever known and he has good relationships with others so remember that its your issue not his

Intercity225 · 04/12/2021 10:02

Same here, I think this is a generation thing really.

No! I had DGD 2 days a week, when DDIL went back to work after maternity leave. Apart from getting her meals and changing her nappy, I sat on the floor and played with her all day! We can't count how many houses we made for her with her wooden bricks, or safari parks with the Duplo! (We kept our DC's classic toys in the loft for DGC). I suspect that's what she thinks, we do all day! She's now nearly 4, and when I go round to their house, a 10 minute drive away, she asks me to stay forever!

IncompleteSenten · 04/12/2021 10:05

You are not unreasonable to wish she was the type of grandma you want for your child but you have to accept that's not going to happen.
Stop asking for her help and pull back a bit.

godmum56 · 04/12/2021 10:05

@ParishSpinster

From my experience, babies can be a bit like cats. They gravitate towards people who are disinterested in them. An inherent nature.
I think there is truth in this. I absolutely don't dislike kids but I am not that bothered...never had my own....but the littlies really seem to want my attention when i visit and kids are there....this is not a humble brag or reverse boast or anything, just something I have noticed.
MeltedButter · 04/12/2021 10:08

@Kitkat151 I just struggle to see how they can love me when they left the country when I was 18. Didn't help me move to uni etc. I had nowhere to go at uni breaks. I want to be in my children's lives when they are adults. I also want to be an involved grandparent. It's hard booking my kids into summer club rather than them spending time with grandparents.

lesenfantsdelesperance · 04/12/2021 10:14

@Hirewiredays

Same here, I think this is a generation thing really.
It's really not. My mum is amazing with my kids, but that's not a generational thing either, she's in her 70s, she just like spending time with her grandchildren and it shows. She doesn't spend time on her phone. You can't make generalisations about that sort of thing.
TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/12/2021 10:17

I wonder if you feel pressure to interact with your DC constantly, and are looking to your DM to set you free for a bit, by interacting with him constantly instead?

From her point of view he doesn't need constant stimulation (and by the time you have your third baby you won't be playing with them constantly).

If the baby thinks she's great and is happy to see her, maybe she's doing something right?

Kitkat151 · 04/12/2021 10:28

[quote MeltedButter]@Kitkat151 I just struggle to see how they can love me when they left the country when I was 18. Didn't help me move to uni etc. I had nowhere to go at uni breaks. I want to be in my children's lives when they are adults. I also want to be an involved grandparent. It's hard booking my kids into summer club rather than them spending time with grandparents.[/quote]
I live 5 mins from my 3 GC .....but I work full time so could never provide childcare......Doesn’t mean I don’t love them.....loads of grandparents can’t provide childcare for lots of reasons ...... that’s just life

MissyB1 · 04/12/2021 10:30

Yes that would make me feel sad OP. My mum spent hours holding my kids when they were babies. And frequently looked after them. All the grandchildren (she had 13) were very sad when she passed away a couple of years ago.
I can’t wait to be a grandma myself. My eldest is 31 and he’s keen to have a family in the next few years. I will be as hands on as they let me!

girafferafferaffe · 04/12/2021 10:32

We have this with my mil. Doesn't want to play or interact. Will buy shitloads of clothes for dd who basically isn't very interested in clothes because she's 4 - but expects huge wowwww thanks. And then will sit in her chair and drink tea and gossip about people. Once dd tried to play with her, brought her a toy over and asked her to play please, and she said not right now I'm having a chat with your dad because I've not seen him in a long time (first time we'd seen her since lockdown). Dd went off to play on her own and I followed.

girafferafferaffe · 04/12/2021 10:36

My mum on the other hand is straight in on the floor playing. She loves it and is so good with dd.

MeltedButter · 04/12/2021 10:47

@Kitkat151 I'm not saying I struggle to understand how they love me due to lack of childcare. It's due to them moving to the other side of the world when I was barely an adult.

ChangeAhoy · 04/12/2021 10:47

OP, I think you are projecting what you wish your mother had been like with you. But wasn't.

Gently meant, but maybe it is not your 9 month old who adores him and wants attention and interaction from your mother. But you.

But she is not the woman who can give you what you want.

I am sorry you feel this way. And it is not that your mum is necessarily a bad person/mother. But she is not fulfilling your wants and expectations.

Maybe try to think of the positves she does offer you/your son. Focus on the strengths. Accept that this is what she offers and brush away the desires you have which she cannot meet. She doesn't have to fit your ideal of the perfect mother.

If this is a struggle for you, if there is deeper, maybe emotional neglect in your background, maybe you need to consider some therapy. To fix your (understandable) hurts. You cannot change the past. Or her.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/12/2021 10:54

Oh he's just too heavy for me' to 'I can't bend down like that'

^^
This could be true though! If she’s got a bad back, looking after a little one can be murder.

I think also if she was so hands off with you, she maybe doesn’t really know what she’s doing?

Does she have a tech addiction? People wanting to go on their phone all the time due to addiction is a big thing.