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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Casual Fatphobia

55 replies

crochetmonkey74 · 03/12/2021 07:16

Chatting with a nice colleague today who I've known for many years. She has a new boyfriend and so do I so we were chatting. She said "ooh it will be soon be time to shave your legs and get new underwear" lots of nice joking. Then she said that a famous underwear place has a good sale, and she'd got some new bits, and I should look. Them she followed up with "theyve got all sizes" She is a slim woman so she was clearly trying to reassure me I wouldn't be too fat for the stuff. But you know when it just brings you up short and you think "Is that what you see me as?" I have another friend who does this occasionally too. Despite her being a 16 and me an 18 so not a huge amount of difference (for the record this is definitely said in the way that I am much bigger than her)
Don't know what I'm asking really, maybe just for a bit of solidarity for the 'sting' of it

OP posts:

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 03/12/2021 07:21

I don't think her saying they have all sizes is fat phobic, if anything she is telling you about a size inclusive shop.

I have been very large (much larger than your 18) so I do understand that things like this can feel like an insult but I don't think her comment was rude at all.

Your friend I can't comment on as you don't really give an example, she might be a dick or she might not.

Suprima · 03/12/2021 07:22

It isn’t my intention to add to the sting- but I think if you take that comment to heart, you are being ‘fatphobic’ to yourself.

If it’s underwear related, I would assume as a more curvy lady herself that she is probably talking about bra sizes? Lots of underwear shops stop at a DD cup and have flimsy straps with no support.

I don’t think your friend has said or done anything mean or wrong or ‘casually fatphobic’. I think this is about your relationship with yourself.

cailinvelo · 03/12/2021 07:23

I can see why you've taken it this way OP. And in all honesty I could have imagined myself saying something as ridiculous and insensitive as that, meaning to be reassuring. Thanks for sharing, I'll be more conscious and careful in future.

picklemewalnuts · 03/12/2021 07:24

She's remembering embarrassment from previous conversations with people who have huffed at her 'It's alright for you, you're a size 10. There'll be nothing in there for me!'. She's trying to be helpful.

I think you're irritated because it's something you feel touchy about, rather than because she was having a dig.

colourfulpuddles · 03/12/2021 07:24

YABU. This isn’t fat phobia. She was trying to be kind.

Deliaskis · 03/12/2021 07:25

Sorry this happened. It's interesting though that you felt the 'sting' of it.... in the past I have been grateful if someone said this, and have felt far more sting when somebody has recommended something to me and I've nodded and smiled and thought to myself 'they have no idea that the shop they are talking about has nothing for anybody above a 16'. It makes shopping with others almost impossible, when they're looking at things and you know there is literally no point even browsing. That has stung for me often in the past.

So I'm sorry that made you feel the way you did, I just wanted to offer another perspective, as what you heard would have been seen as considerate and thoughtful to me.

MissCruellaDeVil · 03/12/2021 07:28

I don't think you should have taken that comment to heart, she probably meant it is a size inclusive store, reassuring you that you can wear sexy underwear too.

2000lightyearsaway123 · 03/12/2021 07:31

Hi OP, I'm sorry your feeling upset. I wouldnt view that as fatphobic to be honest. I am very large (much much larger than you) and I usually find it quite embarrassing when a friend is talking about a shop and says "oh you should have a look" when it's a shop that I know I have no chance of fitting in to and I have to just smile and say yeah I'll have a look. And sometimes I see the look of realisation on their face when they are half way through and realise that but they didn't mean anything by it. So I'd quite like it if someone said what your friend said.

To me being fatphobic isn't thinking someone's fat, because I am fat no matter what way you swing it, its treating me unfavourably because of it.

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 03/12/2021 07:32

I think I get what you mean. It isn't that your friend was being unkind, it was just that at that moment, you knew she saw you as 'a fat person' - it's seeing yourself through someone else's lens, and it's often uncomfortable whether it's weight-related, age-related (being seen as the 'old person') or something else.

If you are happy with your size, then try to forget about it. If it's brought to light a feeling that you'd like to lose weight, then try to take it as an incentive to make positive changes.

Campervan69 · 03/12/2021 07:35

She's not seeing you as a "fat person" in a negative way though, she's just observing the reality of your physical size. It's different.

Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 03/12/2021 07:43

Ooh ok some interesting things here for me to think about. I'm quite ok and confident with my size actually (took a long time though) so maybe it is a little residual worry that I didnt realise was still there. I definitely take the point about it being worse to blindly suggest shops that carry no plus size. I hadnt thought of that before and that makes more sense now. I think I felt put out and a bit sulky with her reassuring me. It felt a bit patronising and made me feel like whatever else she sees about me, it's always the fact that I am fat.

OP posts:

authenticforgery · 03/12/2021 07:44

🙄

peboh · 03/12/2021 07:47

I'm a bigger lady, and I know I am. I appreciate when people recommend stores to me that carry all sizes. It isn't them being fat phobic, it's them trying to make you comfortable shopping there.

maffhew · 03/12/2021 07:47

Maybe what she meant was, even though there is a sale on, there are plenty of different sizes still available. You know what it's like when a bra shop has a sale and there's only a couple of sizes available.

DinosaurDuvet · 03/12/2021 07:47

As some larger than you OP I don’t think it was said in a mean way - it’s more your own insecurities taking that way.

I’m not dismissing your feelings at all, had it been said to me I’d have thought the same as you but being removed from the situation let’s me see it more clearly

JessBe · 03/12/2021 07:47

I agree that it might be the bra size thing - I’m a very small cup size and when talking about buying underwear my friends with bigger breasts will often say they can’t shop somewhere as it wouldn’t have any larger cup sizes. I think it would be different if your friend had made thé comment about other types of clothing, but probably just because it would be a bit tactless rather than phobic

Nel246 · 03/12/2021 07:48

I think yabu. She hasn't said one word directed towards your size or weight. She made a general comment that the shop sells a lot of sizes (like most shops do). Suck it up. You have taken offence when there's really no need

ChatterMonkey · 03/12/2021 07:49

I think your reaction says more about how you see yourself, than anything to do with how she sees you.

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/12/2021 07:51

I wouldn’t think she only sees you as a fat person? She’s talking about underwear and is saying the company would cover your size - same as she might if she were talking to someone with very big boobs.

If you are fat (I am) people will see that - it doesn’t mean that’s all they see, any more than your hair colour is all they see.

RedToothBrush · 03/12/2021 07:52

You are being over sensitive.

If comments like this are bothering you this much you should be thinking about why.

She was being nice to you and trying to be helpful. She was speaking the truth rather than tiptoeing around the elephant in the room. There's nothing wrong with that.

She wasn't judgemental or critical. You are doing that and assigning a negative motivation here. That smacks of your own insecurity not a fault by another party.

Howshouldibehave · 03/12/2021 07:53

I’d have assumed she was talking about bra cup sizes.

Frankii · 03/12/2021 08:01

People see your body, so yes, they know you're not slim, and some will categorise you because of it. The only way to stop them thinking this would be to lose weight. And then they'd just find something else to categorise you with instead.

You can never stop people seeing you and making judgements - all you can do is work on your own reaction to it.

Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 03/12/2021 08:13

Thanks all . I am going to think about this the other way round as you've said. I think I just felt a bit like I was 'different' to her. I do take all the points you've said though. Maybe she got me at a sensitive moment. Thanks for the other views.

OP posts:

LUCCCY · 03/12/2021 08:14

@Howshouldibehave

I’d have assumed she was talking about bra cup sizes.

Me too. My sister is a bigger girl and when I say they carry all sizes this is what I mean. She specifically struggles with cup sizes, not actual sizes. She kind of does an eye roll when someone recommends a shop that doesn't do bigger cup sizes.

MrsLarry · 03/12/2021 08:17

I think you're being way too sensitive. Do you generally have issues surrounding your weight? I mean this in the nicest possible way, but if you're generally unhappy about your weight maybe tackle it. There a loads of threads on here to support weight loss.

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