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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Casual Fatphobia

55 replies

crochetmonkey74 · 03/12/2021 07:16

Chatting with a nice colleague today who I've known for many years. She has a new boyfriend and so do I so we were chatting. She said "ooh it will be soon be time to shave your legs and get new underwear" lots of nice joking. Then she said that a famous underwear place has a good sale, and she'd got some new bits, and I should look. Them she followed up with "theyve got all sizes" She is a slim woman so she was clearly trying to reassure me I wouldn't be too fat for the stuff. But you know when it just brings you up short and you think "Is that what you see me as?" I have another friend who does this occasionally too. Despite her being a 16 and me an 18 so not a huge amount of difference (for the record this is definitely said in the way that I am much bigger than her)
Don't know what I'm asking really, maybe just for a bit of solidarity for the 'sting' of it

OP posts:
Iwonder08 · 03/12/2021 08:20

Do you have larger boobs? It is likely she meant that

Cattipuss · 03/12/2021 08:21

@ChatterMonkey

I think your reaction says more about how you see yourself, than anything to do with how she sees you.
Yes exactly this. It sounds like she was being helpful, but it can sting so not unreasonable for you to feel how you feel.
haba · 03/12/2021 08:36

Honestly, I'd have assumed she meant cup sizes- you could be an 18 with A cups or an 18 with K cups - and you'd need very different bras depending which end of the spectrum you fall!

Lots of people are not able to see how they truly look (I think it's a self-preservation thing) - all those chaps with comb-overs, and I myself look like my dad in a fright wig, but DH assures me I am gorgeous Wink. I remember a friend being utterly shocked when I told her that she had the same shade hair as my sister...and she began dyeing it from then on! Sad They both had lovely hair, btw, just she wasn't happy with it. Your colleague probably still sees herself in her mind's eye as a 12 or whatever.

haba · 03/12/2021 08:41

Urgh, and I'm sorry- my post was written with kindness, but re-reading it makes it look like I'm dismissing and minimising your hurt. That wasn't my intention at all.
I'm sure your colleague meant nothing by her comment, and spoke without any particular thought behind it.

A new relationship is an exciting time (for both of you!) and probably her mind was elsewhere Wink

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 03/12/2021 08:42

@MrsLarry

I think you're being way too sensitive. Do you generally have issues surrounding your weight? I mean this in the nicest possible way, but if you're generally unhappy about your weight maybe tackle it. There a loads of threads on here to support weight loss.
No , no issues as I have said in my previous posts- along with admitting I was being sensitive. Not generally unhappy at all. Definitely has been useful getting the discussion on it and seeing the other opinions
OP posts:
Tal45 · 03/12/2021 08:45

I would have taken it as they've put all sizes on sale not just the ones that are so tiny no one could ever fit into them (which would be why they didn't sell in the first place). You know how these sales can be, all the ugly things and all the things no one could ever fit in.

MarshmallowSwede · 03/12/2021 08:47

I would assume it was bra size. People say this to me as I have large breasts and I’m slim. So I take it as they know I need larger cup size.

Do think it was more about your bra size if you’re larger chested Op?

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 03/12/2021 08:51

@haba

Urgh, and I'm sorry- my post was written with kindness, but re-reading it makes it look like I'm dismissing and minimising your hurt. That wasn't my intention at all. I'm sure your colleague meant nothing by her comment, and spoke without any particular thought behind it.

A new relationship is an exciting time (for both of you!) and probably her mind was elsewhere Wink

I didn't take it as minimising at all! I thought you made a good point
OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 03/12/2021 08:53

@MarshmallowSwede

I would assume it was bra size. People say this to me as I have large breasts and I’m slim. So I take it as they know I need larger cup size.

Do think it was more about your bra size if you’re larger chested Op?

No, it definitely wasn't cup size related- it was more general.

Just a sensitive day from me I guess- and like a PP poster said everyone gets categorised in some way

OP posts:
GreenWhiteViolet · 03/12/2021 08:55

I appreciate that you've acknowledged you might have been too sensitive, OP, but I also want to say that I think 'fatphobia' is being misused here. She didn't say anything negative about being fat. Even if she does perceive you as being much larger than she is, it doesn't appear that she positioned this as a bad thing. You did that.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 03/12/2021 08:56

GreenWhiteViolet
Yeah- agreed- I think I was trying to sum it up for the thread title but misused the word in this context

OP posts:
RealBecca · 03/12/2021 08:57

I think you're being oversensitive and reading into it. If she is a 16 and you're an 18 there there isnt much in it. She may have meant bust size. If anything she probably meant it that she went and liked their stuff and if she could get something there then you could too because you're a similar size.

Noticing size isnt fatphobic. Perhaps you'd personally prefer no-one to acknowledge YOUR size but there are plenty of people who are larger sizes and are happy and wouldn't like people to avoid conversations around body type because there is an unspoken rule of not meeting an ideal.

I have tiny boobs which arent perceived as the big bouncy ideal but i love them and id hate people to avoid talking about their big boobs looking great ina low cut top because i dont meet the (male) ideal.

JaceLancs · 03/12/2021 09:05

I’m not huge (G cup) but lingerie is often discussed amongst colleagues and friends in a similar way - I would have assumed cup sizes was what this person meant

ChooChooSan · 03/12/2021 09:08

I need bigger sizes in underwear. Many ranges are simply not suitable.

ChooChooSan · 03/12/2021 09:09

If this is a nice person generally I wouldn't jump to a negative conclusion on this one comment. It could be innocuous.

ClaryFairchild · 03/12/2021 09:12

But you ARE larger than her, and at size 18 there would be a bunch of shops you couldn't shop in. It would be patronising to pretend you're not large. She DOES see you as large, because you are (I'm size 18 too). If her seeing you as you are has upset you then you are not as comfortable with your size as you think you are.

bowlingalleyblues · 03/12/2021 09:18

But…you said she is a slim woman. So you are aware of her size. She has eyes and can see that you are different sizes so might qualify her clothing recommendation. Don’t know if you identify as fat or are seen as fat by others. I think you are the one is being negative about your size.

WeatherwaxOn · 03/12/2021 09:19

I'm finding this interesting. I'm overweight, not massively so, but definitely carrying more than I should, and struggling to find clothes I like that are comfortable.
I'm meeting a friend tomorrow who is a ++ size owing to health issues. They struggle to find anything to wear in high street shops and are very conscious of this.
We tend not to do clothes shopping together as there would be nothing they could try on, and I haven't mentioned places I have seen with larger sized clothing (usually up to 22/24), but feeling very uncertain as to whether if I see something I should tell them.

BogRollBOGOF · 03/12/2021 09:21

With the size range of lingerie, it's a heck of a lot easier to find sizes like 36G than a 30C or 28D. The old measure back and add inches method means that finding back sizes smaller than 32 is a nightmare, and flattening into a 32B just because it exists is not flattering or supportive.
And forget about wanting a matching pair of pants substantial enough to fit a pair of buttocks and a mum tum in.

People are different sizes. Sometimes that makes finding what you want awkward, at either end of the scale.

RockinHorseShit · 03/12/2021 09:26

Confused Would you like some salt & vinegar with that chip on your shoulder

She was trying to be helpful, not fat shaming you. That bit is all on you. Sale rails are notoriously crap for size selections & are often heavily weighted to the tiny sizes that don't sell, so she was literally just letting you know it was a good, mixed sized sale

Inquisitivearchitect · 03/12/2021 09:27

YABU

In this situation your friend would have upset you either way.

She sounds lovely and your friendship sounds really fun so try and think the best of her and enjoy having a good friend xx

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 03/12/2021 09:28

Would you like some salt & vinegar with that chip on your shoulder

If you read my updates - you will see that I have accepted I was sensitive, engaged with the other opinions and thanked people for giving them- very far away from a chip on the shoulder!

OP posts:
PomegranateQueen · 03/12/2021 09:28

When you say she is slim, is she very slim? When I was very slim I struggled to find my size in lingerie so maybe she is just letting you know they are size inclusive.

I sometimes think that the assumption that skinny = bitchy is prejudiced in itself.

Squashpocket · 03/12/2021 09:29

If you are noticeably well-endowed in the boob department, that's what she'll be referring to. If she's small of breast, it might even have been a self-deprecating joke about how much better off you are in that department. If she is otherwise nice, this is much more likely than her randomly suggesting you're fat.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 03/12/2021 09:29

She sounds lovely and your friendship sounds really fun so try and think the best of her and enjoy having a good friend xx

Agreed! she is a nice friend- and it was nice to have a fun chat amongst all the Covid gloom!

OP posts: