Living with my mum is affecting my mental health

[crackinguphere]

I live at home because I'm studying and don't earn enough to move out. I will be 23 in a couple of months. I am trying to be kind and considerate of my mum, but I need to look after myself too.

I feel suffocated living at home. My mum asks me where I'm going and gets annoyed if she finds out I haven't told her all the places (even if it's just mundane things like the supermarket, pharmacy etc), saying that she wants me to be honest with her. I speak a second language that she does not, and I was reading something in that language on my laptop the other day. She sat beside me to ask me something, then looked at my screen and asked me what it said. I wasn't overly keen to translate it because it was private to me. She said "it's called making conversation you know" and got up and left.
I feel like she gets jealous when she knows I'm seeing or talking to a friend about personal things. She wants me to talk to her. I recently started counselling (for unrelated depression, but she currently isn't helping that either) and after the first couple of sessions she was asking what we talked about and "if there were tears", until I told her that I didn't want to do a post-mortem after every session.
This afternoon I went out for a walk and to run some errands, and she of course asked where I was going. I told her I was going for a walk and to Tesco. I may have mumbled it a bit because I resent not just being able to have my own life. She then asked me if I was cross, I said no, then she said that I was cross and slammed the door behind her. When I got home again I went to do some studying, she came into the room to get something and on the way out she said to me "don't worry, I won't bother you. I'll just get on with my life and you can get on with yours. Ok?"

I feel bad, because I don't want to hurt her, but I feel like I really need space. There is no clear communication between us, just passive aggression and things left unsaid. When we do try to talk, it ends up becoming a shouting match and I feel like she takes everything I say personally. I don't know how to fix this. I am a generally caring person, but she says that I am rude to her. I don't think I am. I think recently I've just been trying to set more boundaries, and she's interpreting that as rudeness. She doesn't have a close relationship with her mum, and she's said before that she doesn't want the same thing to happen between me and her. But ironically she's pushing me away because I feel completely suffocated.

I feel so guilty even feeling all of this, but it's got to the point where I'm thinking of dropping out of uni so that I can get a full time job and move out. I don't know what to do.

She sounds lonely and needs to build a life outside the home - whether you are there or not. I'd move into shared accommodation as many students do to allow you to live a normal adult life. Giving up Uni would be the worst thing to do.

It's pretty common to outgrow your childhood home isn't it?

If you want space it's probably not a good idea to live at home, student accommodation exists for this very reason. Or you have to accept feeling a bit suffocated for a couple of years until your degree is done.

It does sound like living together doesn't work well for your relationship. I don't think your mum is doing anything massively wrong in asking you those questions and you sound quite closed off from her, it could be perceived as rude. It's not really fair to blame your depression on your mum because she's a bit over invested when you live in her home

It can be like this living eittg anyone. You get on each others nerves sometimes. It's best to have a chat with her, put some boundaries in place and try and restart things otherwise it will fester and you will both keep making digs at each other.
I'm going through this with my husband at the moment because he's gone from being out of the house for 12 hours a day to working at home all the time and it's completely effected me. I hate that my life isn't my own. It's only small things like your mum does but it adds up and becomes irritating

It is rude to mumble where you are going, she's nof controlling you she's just asking where you are going. Obviously if you live with someone they are going to try to make conversation like this, it sounds like your mum is lonely and trying to connect with you and you are pushing her away

You don't get to set all the boundaries when you are living at home. Have you tried sitting down with her and just explaining why you are acting the way you are. You are constantly pushing her away but have you actually explained why?

Hmm I can see both sides to this. She might be worried about you particularly with the depression hence why she's asking you where you're going and what you're reading etc as she's worried you might harm yourself etc (I've been in a similar position with a relative and couldn't help asking them all the time where they've been, what they're planning to do tomorrow, how they feel etc until they told me to rightly back off! but really I just cared so much and didn't want them to do anything bad)
You said every time you try and talk it ends in a shouting match- could you try counselling together so someone is there to mediate? You might need that go between to help you both talk through things.

Is she lonely? Does she spend a lot of time at home? Not have other children/family/friends? Maybe suggest you do something together if so like weekly bingo/trampolining/cinema/gym etc etc ? Might help you both as well as your relationship.

What are you still studying at 23?

Please tell me its something worthwhile like medicine, dentistry, or a PHD in maths/physics/IT?

It's unlikely to improve until you move out.

My mum was the same. My first mobile showed a incoming flying envelope when you got a text. My mum loved seeing the animation, but then would demand to know the contents. Was most put out when I said most texts would be private. I was necer allowed to spend time alone in my room, and always come into the bathroom if I was in the shower (she didn't see the need for a lock).

Look up enmeshment. It might help explain things.

She’s lonely and or menopause.
She needs to build her own life, it sounds silly but when you give your whole life to your kids and they don’t “need” you anymore, I imagine that’s a scary concept being as she hasn’t known any different for years.

Maybe help her Intergrate into a new group or hobby?

I kinda think asking somewhere where they going isn't controlling or being too interfering. If my mum ends a phone call with anyway I'm off out now I'll always say oh where are you going? I would think it was a natural response. Same if my husband just walked out the door and didn't say anything I'd be like where you going? Maybe I'm not normal but it's not that I care where they are going it's more just interest?

It sounds like you have a difficult relationship-I wouldn’t be choosing to study now if it meant I had to live at home.

What are you studying and how long is the course?

Move out

"What are you still studying at 23?"
What a stupid question

if you possibly can, move out.

if you can't, can you spend more time out of the house. Set a routine of going the library / cafe from 11am - 6pm 3 days per week (or whatever works) and then spend that time out of the house. You don't have to spend all that time in the library, but you don't need to detail to your mum everything you do in that chunk of time. just 'studying' should be enough. If necessary, write down your self-made timetable & pin it to the fridge so she doesn't keep asking.

and if you think your mum is lonely, maybe try to find one thing that you can do together - cooking a nice meal or watching a movie together once a week. so that you have some positive time together and then more freedom the rest of the time.

I think it’s tough on both you and your mum to be living together.
As hard as it is for you to assert your adulthood and independence, it is equally hard for her to let go.

So you are both sailing into uncharted waters. You can’t have adult-child relationship anymore, but haven’t settled in a good adult-adult relationship.

I think the two of you need to make time for each other as she’s obviously jealous of your friends getting all your attention but is then dropping in on you without bad timing. So, set up once a week a date with your mum to go for a walk, or do shopping together, or even get a take away and watch a film together. This regular time to connect will reassure her and she won’t be so apt to try and randomly interrupt you.

When going out, tell her you are going to simply send her a text that says “going to shops/into town, be back around xx time”. It’s what most adult women living with flat mates or partners do anyway out of courtesy and for obvious personal safety reasons. So it’s not you asking permission like a child or anything, but at same time she’s not worrying where are you, why aren’t you back yet etc,

Other than that, she is being passive aggressive and if the above doesn’t improve things, you could pull her up on it.

@MrsBison what a strange post. So a PGCE, social work conversion or working on passing the bar isn’t worthy?

Mumsnet is so weird about students. If you’re not ‘a woman in STEM’ or doing frigging medicine than you’re some sort of failure to society

Sometimes these arrangements work, sometimes they don’t. If I had not been able to live in student housing, I would not have made it through university. Just having to come back for breaks and summer was enough to send me right back to a very dark place mentally. My parent was abusive so going back to that after freedom was especially difficult. But I just kept focused on my goal of completing my education because that was all that mattered in the long run.

I also specifically chose a school to do my graduate degree that was very, very far away.

If you can, I would just try to be a good housemate and focus on why you are doing this. As soon as you finish you can get a job and move out.

If you live with someone, it's perfectly normal to ask where they're going and how long they'll be out. When I've lived with friends/housemates we've done exactly the same, so we know whether or not to be worried if the person's not back in a certain amount of time. I don't think that's controlling at all, and I'd say you seem to be overreacting a bit to that.

At the end of the day you're 23, it's not unreasonable to feel you've outgrown your childhood home - but either you move out or you accept that while you're living with your mum you need to accept that she may do things that annoy you, but that's quite literally the price you're paying to live at home. Try and stay polite, take breaks/stay out all day where possible, and make plans to move out when you can.

Could you stay with a friend a couple of nights a week, maybe a mid week and a weekend night? And treat them to a takeaway or cook or something ?

I got on really well when I lived with my parents for a while after uni, but found a break from the house helped a lot

I’m a mother of adult daughters and I can’t imagine behaving as your mother does. You’re an adult and have a right to privacy ( and re your counselling —- no one has the right to ask you what is said. 100% confidential)
Even if your mother is lonely, or doesn’t have a life outside the home, that’s not really yours to fix. If you can move out, do.

You need to move out.

If you can’t because you haven’t got enough money, then you have to accept that you have chosen to live in your mums house because you need to be supported by her, so it’s her ‘rules’ that go.

I think it sounds like your mother is bored and is living vicariously through you.

She really shouldn't be asking you what your private communications say though - that's really rude.

Do you ever go out with her - for coffee or lunch? You may find it easier to talk openly outside the home. You don't mention your dad or a partner for DM. Does she have a sense of humour? Could you tell her you would like a more "room mate" kind of relationship with her and if she doesn't back off you are setting her up with a Tinder profile?

Could you encourage her to see friends/take up study? Talking about your own study could be a way into that conversation.

Please don't give up your degree. Just more openness required here I think.

She isn't seeing you as an adult. I used to have to remind myself of my adult children's ages and back off. The only way around this is to start communicating honestly (but gently) with each other. She's feeling that you don't need her anymore. But your relationship does change with your children as they grow, it's sounding as though you need to help her negotiate that.

I feel like this sometimes with my husband!

Sorry, that is no help to you but I just thought it was interesting.

Feel for you OP. Asking where you’re going might be a normal part of other peoples interactions, but it’s def NOT when you know the motives behind it are to control/interfere etc etc. It’s just awful having a relationship where you’re not ‘permitted’ to nicely ask someone to back off without being met by a huffing and door slamming. My mother is the same. She continued to control me until I left home, I was still going on holiday with her until I was older than you are - just so she wouldn’t be ‘sad’ and now i have as little to do with her as possible. If you can’t yet leave, try to have times when she knows she has your undivided attention eg shopping/coffee together. Then pull away saying ‘off to study/out see you later. I managed to get a bit of space by doing this. Good luck x
Also, be careful not to pick up her habit of getting her way with dramatics. I genuinely believed for YEARS that it was normal to strop at someone if I was angry with them - rather than have a grown up conversation. Got me into no end of problems.