Living with my mum is affecting my mental health

[crackinguphere]

I live at home because I'm studying and don't earn enough to move out. I will be 23 in a couple of months. I am trying to be kind and considerate of my mum, but I need to look after myself too.

I feel suffocated living at home. My mum asks me where I'm going and gets annoyed if she finds out I haven't told her all the places (even if it's just mundane things like the supermarket, pharmacy etc), saying that she wants me to be honest with her. I speak a second language that she does not, and I was reading something in that language on my laptop the other day. She sat beside me to ask me something, then looked at my screen and asked me what it said. I wasn't overly keen to translate it because it was private to me. She said "it's called making conversation you know" and got up and left.
I feel like she gets jealous when she knows I'm seeing or talking to a friend about personal things. She wants me to talk to her. I recently started counselling (for unrelated depression, but she currently isn't helping that either) and after the first couple of sessions she was asking what we talked about and "if there were tears", until I told her that I didn't want to do a post-mortem after every session.
This afternoon I went out for a walk and to run some errands, and she of course asked where I was going. I told her I was going for a walk and to Tesco. I may have mumbled it a bit because I resent not just being able to have my own life. She then asked me if I was cross, I said no, then she said that I was cross and slammed the door behind her. When I got home again I went to do some studying, she came into the room to get something and on the way out she said to me "don't worry, I won't bother you. I'll just get on with my life and you can get on with yours. Ok?"

I feel bad, because I don't want to hurt her, but I feel like I really need space. There is no clear communication between us, just passive aggression and things left unsaid. When we do try to talk, it ends up becoming a shouting match and I feel like she takes everything I say personally. I don't know how to fix this. I am a generally caring person, but she says that I am rude to her. I don't think I am. I think recently I've just been trying to set more boundaries, and she's interpreting that as rudeness. She doesn't have a close relationship with her mum, and she's said before that she doesn't want the same thing to happen between me and her. But ironically she's pushing me away because I feel completely suffocated.

I feel so guilty even feeling all of this, but it's got to the point where I'm thinking of dropping out of uni so that I can get a full time job and move out. I don't know what to do.

This is a difficult situation. I'm a Mum with DC in their early 20's, but I'm also a daughter who lived at home after uni, so I can see both sides!

It can be hard for Mum's to let go, you're an adult but I expect your Mum still sees you as her child. I always want to know what my DC are doing, whether they're happy, etc and have to really work hard not to be overly protective or appear too interested in their lives, as I remember how much it used to annoy me when my Mum did it to me! If you asked my DC though, I'm sure they'd say I'm overly invested in their lives, but I can't help it!

I think moving out is really the only answer. My DS1 moved out earlier this year and we get on so much better now.

@GaolBhoAlba

*She sounds incredibly nosy, which equals very rude. She is also controlling.

If a husband asked a poster those questions, would you feel the same?*

The dynamics of a parental relationship are (and should be!) completely different to a partner. So your comparison/question on that is moot.

While the OP's Mum's behaviour could be considered irritating, I didnt sense anything 'extreme' in her behaviour; we all have different tolerance levels and expectations though.

I think of it as the dynamics of two adults interacting.

Every relationship is different, regardless of type. I'm the youngest - at 46 - and mum, dad, big sis still find it hilarious to bundle me into my coat, scarf, hat as if I'm 2.

But they know not to ask nosey or personal questions. Of course parents take a bit of training when you are 23, but I don't think mine would ever have been expecting me to tell them every shop I'd been in. I lived there all summer when I was 18 and they didn't expect that level of detail.

It's controlling and weird.

Honestly, I hate seeing grown adults living with their parents because it benefits them and then whining about it. If you don't like it, move, you are a grown-up. It feels sneaky or something when adults use their parents because they haven't got their shit together yet and then bitch about them behind their backs.

@luinagreine

Honestly, I hate seeing grown adults living with their parents because it benefits them and then whining about it. If you don't like it, move, you are a grown-up. It feels sneaky or something when adults use their parents because they haven't got their shit together yet and then bitch about them behind their backs.

It’s not always as easy as just ‘move out’. Many young people can’t afford to. They mean long to move out but it’s just not possible. I also wonder how many posters have adult children. Because there are some very bizarre responses on this thread. I do however think that if an adult child is still living at home in their twenties or thirties, they have to accept that there will be limitations on their freedom and irritations. Very few parents want to be supporting their adult children and having them live at home through choice. There are compromises to be made on all sides.

I do however think that if an adult child is still living at home in their twenties or thirties, they have to accept that there will be limitations on their freedom and irritations. Very few parents want to be supporting their adult children and having them live at home through choice. There are compromises to be made on all sides

This, I think is very important. If you don’t want to or can’t afford to pay for your own housing and need to rely on your parents funding well into adulthood, you clearly can’t have things all your own way. Most parents don’t want this either, but have to accept that their adult children don’t have too much choice financially. Compromises must be made and both sets of people must be willing to make those compromises, for it to work.

It’s not always as easy as just ‘move out’. Many young people can’t afford to. They mean long to move out but it’s just not possible. I also wonder how many posters have adult children. Because there are some very bizarre responses on this thread.

I think my view on this is skewed by the fact that I had to move out at 17. I also 'couldn't afford it', I had a part time minimum wage job when I had to move out. I lived in a moldy shit hole with housemates that robbed cars for fun, had holes in my shoes and ate value noodles for quite a while. By 23 I had been paying my own way for almost 6 years.

If it was that bad the OP would find a way to leave even if it meant putting her studies on hold but she would rather use her Mum so she can continue her studies and then bitch about her on the internet. I can see why the OP is living at home and studying of course but at least show your Mum who is facilitating all of this some respect.

She’s lonely and or menopause

What does the menopause have to do with it!?

I’m menopausal, I wouldn’t dream of asking my adult ds every little thing he’s doing

My dd is 15. I don’t treat her like that either despite being ‘menopausal’

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

She’s lonely and or menopause

What does the menopause have to do with it!?

I’m menopausal, I wouldn’t dream of asking my adult ds every little thing he’s doing

My dd is 15. I don’t treat her like that either despite being ‘menopausal’

Baffled too.

OP I hope you return to the thread.

Maybe you could move your studies to evening with full time job?

Also, can you afford a room in a house share? Also Some people want a lodger and charge low rent for tax reasons. There must be a way.

When you have adult children at home parents cannot expect them to tell them their every movement. Our last child has recently moved out and I would never have expected a 26 year old to tell us where they were going or what time they’d return. Some mothers need to cut those apron strings and allow their children to live an independent life, afterall, isn’t that the main aim in life? As a mum, I made my children strong independent people who could cope on their own even while living under our roof.

My mother was similar. I moved out when I was 18. Honestly, I would do everything possible to find a place of your own and also not within walking distance of where your mum lives.

There are a lot of weird replies on this thread: it's not normal for someone to expect to know everything her adult daughter does!

I can see both sides. I currently have my 23 year old son at home. He did 3 years at uni and has a good job, currently WFH. He's staying a few weeks before moving to another town.
DH and I have bent over backwards to give him space and privacy and I'm loving his company.
He wouldn't ever just go out without saying where he was going, just as I wouldn't. If I go to meet a friend or whatever I would say to DH or DS "I'm going to x I'll be back around y time".
It's just good manners and consideration.
I imagine she feels hurt that you are evasive. I do think that it's best to be open about how you feel, not in the heat of the moment but in a calm , planned discussion.
It needs effort on both sides.

Why are you staying there then? Why not go into student accommodation?

Rade "He wouldn't ever just go out without saying where he was going, just as I wouldn't. If I go to meet a friend or whatever I would say to DH or DS "I'm going to x I'll be back around y time".
It's just good manners and consideration."

But this is not what the OP describes at all.

I feel bad, because I don't want to hurt her, but I feel like I really need space

So get a Student loan, a job that works round uni and move into student accommodation like the vast majority of other students

If you’re using her home to save you money and then whinging you need space you’re out of line and highly immature. It’s quite normal when leaving the house to say where you’re going.

@DaisyNGO

Rade "He wouldn't ever just go out without saying where he was going, just as I wouldn't. If I go to meet a friend or whatever I would say to DH or DS "I'm going to x I'll be back around y time". It's just good manners and consideration."

But this is not what the OP describes at all.

Yes it is.

OP "My mum asks me where I'm going and gets annoyed if she finds out I haven't told her all the places (even if it's just mundane things like the supermarket, pharmacy etc), saying that she wants me to be honest with her."

"I recently started counselling (for unrelated depression, but she currently isn't helping that either) and after the first couple of sessions she was asking what we talked about and "if there were tears",

This is weird and rude.

She is doing you a massive favour supporting you when you're 23. If it's not to your liking you need to move out. If you can't afford to support yourself with student loads and part time work then maybe you need to pause your studies to save.

Ref your comment about dropping out of uni

If you have another few years at uni, why can't you stay in uni accommodation or share accommodation with other friends at uni ?

Have you investigated how much it will cost ?

I feel like people are almost deliberately misinterpreting you, OP.

As you’ve said, moving out isn’t an option. Unless I missed it (and apologies if I did) you didn’t say that you don’t pay your mum rent.

She doesn’t need to know every detail of every place you’ve been while running errands. Her questions about therapy seem almost voyeuristic (asking about tears). And she shouldn’t be reading or asking you to translate your messages.

It sounds like you genuinely try not to be abrupt. She’s slamming doors. You mentioned she doesn’t like you spending time with friends. And that she makes passive aggressive comments about your relationship with her.

I think those responding that you should be kind to your mum seem unable to imagine your mum being needy not being selfless. But parents (myself included) are far from perfect.

It does sound difficult. I hope you have other support.

You can’t fix this.

It’s her, not you.

She is employing a range of emotionally abusive tactics to make you feel responsible for her.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Study hard, earn money, move out. In the meantime, go ‘grey rock’. Don’t let her get to you.

You might find the work of Bethany Webster helpful.

You sound a kind and good-hearted person. Stay strong.

This sounds so shit, op. I totally get it, my mum was like this bar the second language issue. I moved out as soon as I could and remained in shared accommodation to keep the cost low. I know this may not be an alternative right now but maybe consider moving as soon as you complete your education and can get a bit of work. My relationship with my mum still has some boundary issues but it’s much better now that I’m not at home.

A lot of this sounds like it’s to do with your mum’s issues and you have to tip toe around them, which isn’t great for your mental health. As for the counselling sessions just make it clear that it’s between you and the counsellor, if that can’t happen then breeze though it by pretending you egad a good discussion and keep it light- you don’t have to disclose the truth about what you e discussed in private.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. You can presumably move out if it doesn't suit you? Asking someone you live with where they are going isn't unusual.

Living in your parents home can be constricting, but if you are keen not to be treated like a child maybe stop acting like one? Mumbling answers, not making cordial conversation, not appreciating the things your "flatmates" do.

Any damage to your mental health needs to be balanced against the impact of not being able to study as you need to work to support yourself.

You do know you aren't entitled to live in your dm's house and she is doing you a massive favour?

Stompy "You do know you aren't entitled to live in your dm's house and she is doing you a massive favour?"

I have a feeling if OP moves out, her mother will be angry.

It's interesting to see such different interpretations on this thread.

Are you behaving like an independent adult or are you still behaving like her child?

You naturally are at an age where you are an adult and want independence

It sounds like she’s struggling to let go to an extent. But much of what you describe isn’t unreasonable in a normal adult relationship. You sound closed off and guarded (it’s normal if living with a friend/ partner etc where they are going/ chat about what’s going on in your lives/ chat about other friends etc) and your mum is probably hurt and scared she’s lost you (hence the screaming matches).

If you want her to treat you like an adult then show her you are one

• do you do 50% of the cleaning (offer? Set up a rota?)
• does she still cook for you? Do you do 50% of it? Do you each have seperate space and cook separately?
• do you pay 50% of the bills?
• do you behave like an adult or are you surly and closed off if she tries to be part of your life (given she is your mum) - if it descends ti shouting you don’t have to shout back but if you’re an adult you can stay calm and deal with it.

Personally, my relationship with my parents improved 1000% when I moved out at 19. Our dynamic was similar to yours. But once I moved out, going home for a visit was a treat for both parties and my parents respected me as an adult.

Sounds like you've stayed in a mum- child relationship rather than adult-adult. You need to move out. She's maybe a bit needy but you're a bit closed off and a bit rude too.