Living with my mum is affecting my mental health

[crackinguphere]

I live at home because I'm studying and don't earn enough to move out. I will be 23 in a couple of months. I am trying to be kind and considerate of my mum, but I need to look after myself too.

I feel suffocated living at home. My mum asks me where I'm going and gets annoyed if she finds out I haven't told her all the places (even if it's just mundane things like the supermarket, pharmacy etc), saying that she wants me to be honest with her. I speak a second language that she does not, and I was reading something in that language on my laptop the other day. She sat beside me to ask me something, then looked at my screen and asked me what it said. I wasn't overly keen to translate it because it was private to me. She said "it's called making conversation you know" and got up and left.
I feel like she gets jealous when she knows I'm seeing or talking to a friend about personal things. She wants me to talk to her. I recently started counselling (for unrelated depression, but she currently isn't helping that either) and after the first couple of sessions she was asking what we talked about and "if there were tears", until I told her that I didn't want to do a post-mortem after every session.
This afternoon I went out for a walk and to run some errands, and she of course asked where I was going. I told her I was going for a walk and to Tesco. I may have mumbled it a bit because I resent not just being able to have my own life. She then asked me if I was cross, I said no, then she said that I was cross and slammed the door behind her. When I got home again I went to do some studying, she came into the room to get something and on the way out she said to me "don't worry, I won't bother you. I'll just get on with my life and you can get on with yours. Ok?"

I feel bad, because I don't want to hurt her, but I feel like I really need space. There is no clear communication between us, just passive aggression and things left unsaid. When we do try to talk, it ends up becoming a shouting match and I feel like she takes everything I say personally. I don't know how to fix this. I am a generally caring person, but she says that I am rude to her. I don't think I am. I think recently I've just been trying to set more boundaries, and she's interpreting that as rudeness. She doesn't have a close relationship with her mum, and she's said before that she doesn't want the same thing to happen between me and her. But ironically she's pushing me away because I feel completely suffocated.

I feel so guilty even feeling all of this, but it's got to the point where I'm thinking of dropping out of uni so that I can get a full time job and move out. I don't know what to do.

She sounds lonely and worried about you. Can't you just tell her the basics? For example, I,m nipping to tesco mum, need anything? Or I'm just going to the pub with Janet so don't wait up. You are giving her enough info without having to bare your soul and keeps your relationship without arguments. Its courtesy really. If you really can't do that then move out.

Can you be open and honest and straightforward with her?

Say you don’t like it when you both get upset snd irritated, but from your POV you need some privacy and independence. Maybe suggest that you both have a ‘how was your day?’ Discussion at tea time each day, but apart from that do your own thing. Re-assure her that you will tell her when you are going out, but you might not always plan all the places you are going and you aren’t a kid.

Just tell her, but at a relaxed time, not when you are already irritated and she is off on a passive aggressive rant.

How much longer is your course?

On the flip side, it's absolutely blooming lovely of her to be still financially supporting her 23 year old daughter. I think you owe her some kindness and civility.

My mum was the same. My first mobile showed a incoming flying envelope when you got a text. My mum loved seeing the animation, but then would demand to know the contents. Was most put out when I said most texts would be private.

So was mine. This was long before the days of mobile phones, but if a friend called me on the land line she'd always want to know who it was, and although she didn't actually intercept my letters, she would still expect me to let her read them. If I wanted to keep anything private, she would accuse me of being "secretive". OP, you are not alone.

You absolutely need to move out. She won't develop boundaries unless you do. In fact, it sounds like she has none and you will have to deal with that after moving.

There must be options via uni?

You should of course be civil but she needs to be civil and respectful too.

Can't you live in a shared house with other students like most students do?

She is being a mum and probably feeling like an outsider to your problems. Mum's want to feel there children can come to them to talk about anything and can feel quite disheartened when their child doesn't feel they can. I am absolutely not saying that she's not being suffocating but it'll be hard to evade it whilst your at home. If you were living elsewhere yes you would have more privacy but your mum will still want to know how your day has been and how you are doing.

Your mum is on the defensive by the sounds of it maybe sit down and have a chat with her about how you feel

It doesnt sound as though your Mum is doing or saying anything unreasonable 🤔 It sounds to me that she is desperate for some sort of connection with you, put is coming up against a brick wall at every attempt. I'd hazard a guess that you probably wouldnt feel any happier or fulfilled living alone. Do you feel that your treatment for depression is helping?

Make the most of your mum. They are not here forever. Show her some kindness.

Just to clarify my prior post. The reason i asked is because a normal/most bachelor degrees will be finished by 22. Assuming you started at 18 or 19.

If you are 23 and still studying, you are either doing a masters, PHD, or medicine/dentistry/veterinary. (Or are a prior drop out, degree switcher, etc....)

And yes, some further degrees are more worthwhile than others. I was giving some examples, but the list wasnt exhaustive.

E.g. As long as you arent doing a masters in marketing, youre probably fine.

Some people do degrees in their 50, 60s even 70s @mrsbison and guess what, they don't even need to justify it to you first.

@GaolBhoAlba

It doesnt sound as though your Mum is doing or saying anything unreasonable 🤔 It sounds to me that she is desperate for some sort of connection with you, put is coming up against a brick wall at every attempt. I'd hazard a guess that you probably wouldnt feel any happier or fulfilled living alone. Do you feel that your treatment for depression is helping?

She sounds incredibly nosy, which equals very rude. She is also controlling.

If a husband asked a poster those questions, would you feel the same?

I wonder what kind of relationship you have with your Mum generally? It sounds like you aren't communicating very well and she feels in the dark about how you are feeling and what's going on for you. Do you have a Dad living in the family home too? If not, it is the two of you in a suffocating environment. Your Mum sounds like she's worried about you, wants to be close to you and is looking for a way to connect.

Perhaps you and she could do something together once a week and you could open up to her a bit about what's going on for you? Try to tell her a bit about how you are feeling without giving away too much that is personal or you don't want her to know. Be gentle and kind, she has her own struggles and no doubt wants the best for you.

@icelolly12

Thats usually different. Thats usually studying for fun/knowledge, opposed to be used in your career.

Although, I did do an MBA in my 30s,for my career, at Imperial.

@MrsBison

Just to clarify my prior post. The reason i asked is because a normal/most bachelor degrees will be finished by 22. Assuming you started at 18 or 19.

If you are 23 and still studying, you are either doing a masters, PHD, or medicine/dentistry/veterinary. (Or are a prior drop out, degree switcher, etc....)

And yes, some further degrees are more worthwhile than others. I was giving some examples, but the list wasnt exhaustive.

E.g. As long as you arent doing a masters in marketing, youre probably fine.

Or the OP just didn’t start her course straight from school!

@icelolly12

Some people do degrees in their 50, 60s even 70s *@mrsbison* and guess what, they don't even need to justify it to you first.

Not financially supported by their mother's they don't. Most people in their 50's have moved out of the parental home.

@MrsBison lol wtf there is a lot of money to be made in marketing and a lot of jobs out there right now

Not sure why anyone thinks your Mum's extreme nosiness is in any way reasonable - I guess it's because you posted in AIBU!

No way would I be anle to tolerate that level of intrusive questioning at 23. My Mum was like this - though not so extreme - when I was 16 and I hated it!

However she's unlikely to change Id guess. Perhaps you ysrarr making plans to move out and tell her why, but she sounds so set in her ideas that this would lead to horrible drama. Or you could just move out and sell it as a good thing for you (independence, growing up etc) and leave her behaviour out of it.

But no, you are absolutely not unreasonable for finding this intolerable. I'm wanting to scream just reading it. Ugh!

@Tobchette

Hmmmm. Ive just had a look, youre right there are a few £70k to £100k head of marketing jobs out there. (I probably should stop taking the mickey out of our marketing department I guess).

But tbf, how many marketing graduates will reach that salary/position? (I honestly dont know. So curious what you think.)

MrsBison

What are you still studying at 23?Please tell me its something worthwhile like medicine, dentistry, or a PHD in maths/physics/IT?

Of all the weird replies I've ever read on MN, this is without doubt the strangest. Completely irrelevant to the OP and just absolute bullshit 😆

OP, I had a tricky time living at home and studying in my late teens/early twenties. My mum andni clashed a lot. I think I was ready to be independent and she wasn't quite there yet. We've got a wonderful relationship now and it improved vastly when I moved out. If you're not in a position to move then I'd just try and be firm with her, set boundaries and don't feel guilty about it. Things will get better.

@Highlanders372

Lol, youre right. Im probably just venting.

MrsBison I think you must be, it was such a random comment!

[quote MrsBison]@Tobchette

Hmmmm. Ive just had a look, youre right there are a few £70k to £100k head of marketing jobs out there. (I probably should stop taking the mickey out of our marketing department I guess).

But tbf, how many marketing graduates will reach that salary/position? (I honestly dont know. So curious what you think.)[/quote]
You can make that in digital marketing without being head of anything. DS does. However he doesn’t have a degree in it either, just something related to maths. Maybe it’s very different but most companies rely heavily on DM now.

OP it sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other. How about a reset where you have a nice chat about your relationship as adults sharing a home? You do sound closed and resentful and she sounds very invested in your life.

Maybe agree to share some meals when you chat about your days and do be a bit more forthcoming about what and where you are up to BUT when she starts on the details you remind her that you don’t need an interrogation ( with a smile even if your teeth are gritted).

At the moment it all sounds a bit teenagery. You can make changes without drama. And be kind and interested in her, too.

@candycane222

Not sure why anyone thinks your Mum's extreme nosiness is in any way reasonable - I guess it's because you posted in AIBU!

No way would I be anle to tolerate that level of intrusive questioning at 23. My Mum was like this - though not so extreme - when I was 16 and I hated it!

However she's unlikely to change Id guess. Perhaps you ysrarr making plans to move out and tell her why, but she sounds so set in her ideas that this would lead to horrible drama. Or you could just move out and sell it as a good thing for you (independence, growing up etc) and leave her behaviour out of it.

But no, you are absolutely not unreasonable for finding this intolerable. I'm wanting to scream just reading it. Ugh!

Phew I was puzzled by some of these responses.

*She sounds incredibly nosy, which equals very rude. She is also controlling.

If a husband asked a poster those questions, would you feel the same?*

The dynamics of a parental relationship are (and should be!) completely different to a partner. So your comparison/question on that is moot.

While the OP's Mum's behaviour could be considered irritating, I didnt sense anything 'extreme' in her behaviour; we all have different tolerance levels and expectations though.