AIBU to ask people who moved countries for love...

[sorucettee45]

How did you decide to do it? How sure were you of your relationship? Did you ever feel resentful for moving away from family and your own career/qualifications taking a backseat?

I'm 25, we've been dating three years.

Not in this position yet but it's looking increasingly likely I'd be the one to move to close the gap. Mostly as a Visa is easier for me to get due to my citizenship, partner has family care commitments (ie, family who are disabled) and I don't and the fact that my partner really doesn't like living in my home country and has genuinely tried it.

I'm not opposed to the country he lives in and I love visiting. But at the same time, moving there is very different and I'm so close to my family, I can't even imagine living abroad permanently at the moment!

Everyone is different but I did it and it was terrible. It was actually to a country that was known to me and I was bilingual so I didn't feel cut off socially. But I really fucking resented that it was HIS country. Why his and not mine? I really resented that that one aspect was completely not up for debate. He was generally a very generous and kind person, but this one hugely important elephant in the room would not be discussed. I resented he could trot off to see his dad, his siblings, his cousins a 5 min drive away. Meanwhile I was having to organise flights to see mine.

I resented him seemingly being okay with me not being happy.

When it was crunch time, I resented the fact that I had done this for 6 years but he wouldn't even try mine out for size for 1.

I also massively resented the fact that 8 times out of 10 it's the woman who ends up in the mans country.

I did (although we’re both from the UK originally and our plan is to move back eventually).
I was very lucky that there was a job that I wanted in the same country my partner was moving to (he’d applied for a job before we met and then had a very long recruitment process). And there’s a big expat community so making friends has been easy. It’s also given me enough time and money to do further training/education so I don’t feel like my career is on hold.
Being away from friends and family is definitely the hardest bit (and I think it would be even harder if we didn’t plan to move back eventually). Again, luckily where we are there are fairly affordable/direct flights so apart from covid it’s pretty easy for us to visit.

I don’t regret moving at all. But I’d always wanted to live abroad so I was excited by the opportunity rather than worried.
I was also pretty confident in our relationship (and that we had the same long term goals). I was able to get a job which meant I could get my own visa/health insurance etc.
I’m a trained nurse so I always knew that if things didn’t work out then moving back to the UK and getting another job wouldn’t be too difficult (I might have felt differently if I was already in my dream job and knew that it might be difficult to find something similar if I had to come home).

Basically moving for love can be exciting and I’ve loved it. However, I’d definitely think through the practical considerations very carefully and make sure that the sacrifices you’re making are ones that you’re happy to make (you also need to have a really honest chat with your partner about what the long term plan is, especially if you think you’ll want to move back to your home country after a few years).

I'd say you are very wise to think about it extremely carefully. I emigrated independently because I really wanted to live in that country, but I've seen a lot of these relationships and it can cause a lot of resentment and heartache. Ideally you should genuinely want to emigrate to that country regardless of the relationship. I've seen both men and women who are utterly miserable, hate so much about the country we live in, but don't want to leave the relationship or are trapped by the fact that they've had children there.

Emigrating is practically and emotionally hard work, especially when it's something that is supposed to be long term or permanent. It's a risky thing to do 'for' someone else. Because you won't love every second. It has to be something you want for you. No matter how well you integrate (and I am a citizen of my new country who has been here for over a decade and completely consider it my home) there is always that slight tension of being a foreigner, not completely fitting in, plus the practical issues of being across a national border from most of your family.

Be especially cautious about putting down permanent roots by having children abroad. If you have children in another country and their other parent is quite happy where they are, you are essentially trapped in that country for 18 years unless you want to abandon your children. Before you do it you have to really think hard about whether you would like to be a single parent in that country, a foreigner alone without a family support network, if the relationship broke down. I appreciate you're probably not at that stage yet, but if you're thinking about emigrating for this person, are children theoretically on the cards or do you plan to remain childfree anyway?

Massively regret it, destroyed my career at the time. Also if you have kids you are trapped there forever, not allowed to leave the country with them if you split up. So consider that very carefully as relationships can change dramatically after having kids, and its when you really appreciate having your family around.

Met my partner, he moved to my country 3 months later, he said he knew it was the right choice, job was waiting for him with my family (rural family) and he got his licence before he left NI

12 months later - we felt life would be better in NI due to costs at home creeping up

I made the move with him, knew it was the right thing for us, 5 years together in total now, with a child, still living in NI

It's been hard with covid restrictions, I haven't seen my family in two years but I truly feel like part of his and everyone has tried so hard to make me feel like part of the furniture

Jobs were hard, but since having my baby and knowing we are having more I plan to be out of work until the youngest starts school, that wouldn't have been an option financially for us at home, we needed two incomes just to pay the bills there and often ran short. Here we can afford a nice rural home with land, and he can focus on work while I focus on the house which gives us more free time together.

If I had a career that wasn't easy to return to it might have been a different story and i may have felt weirder about moving.

We have a better life here and more chance to just be us

• Emigrating is practically and emotionally hard work, especially when it's something that is supposed to be long term or permanent. It's a risky thing to do 'for' someone else. Because you won't love every second. It has to be something you want for you. No matter how well you integrate (and I am a citizen of my new country who has been here for over a decade and completely consider it my home) there is always that slight tension of being a foreigner, not completely fitting in, plus the practical issues of being across a national border from most of your family.

Be especially cautious about putting down permanent roots by having children abroad. If you have children in another country and their other parent is quite happy where they are, you are essentially trapped in that country for 18 years unless you want to abandon your children. Before you do it you have to really think hard about whether you would like to be a single parent in that country, a foreigner alone without a family support network, if the relationship broke down. I appreciate you're probably not at that stage yet, but if you're thinking about emigrating for this person, are children theoretically on the cards or do you plan to remain childfree anyway?*

As someone who moved for love… all of the above is spot on. And don’t think it can’t happen to you OP. My honest advice is don’t do it.

Sorry for the bold fail!

Name changed for this as potentially outing.

Not me, but I met my partner abroad in a country that was neither of our home county. Shortly after we left, he moved to my home country but to a different city.

About a year in, he moved to my city. That was 9 years ago and we're very settled here. I think it helps that neither of us live near our family, so we're in the same boat in that way, and that I hadn't lived in my city long before he moved to my country. He had to start again career wise but was going to have to anyway due to his circumstances when I met him.

Would you be close in distance to your partners family? Would your partner consider moving somewhere new to you both in their home country?

I really wish forums like this existed when I did it over 20 years ago. I’d never have left the Uk, had kids in another country and given up everything (career, family, friends). I agree with the poster who says it’s nearly always women who do this. I know a good few unhappy ones here.
If you feel you must, leave yourself an escape route back to your old life and think long and hard before having children.
I hugely regret moving.
My DH has also been largely comfortable with seeing me unhappy cos - guess what - he was quite happy!
I’ve told him now I’m going home in 2 years, with or without him. I’m not seeing out my days in this shit hole.

I did and it was a risk which was initially scary but in general has worked out great.

I'm not particularly close with my family and it is nice to have the distance honestly.

I moved to another English speaking country so no language barrier and the quality of life here is excellent.

Career wise it's gone quite well.

I miss my friends and aspects of the UK but part of that I look upon with rose tinted glasses.

I feel very settled and it is highly unlikely I would split from DH but I wouldn't move back if I did.

@Laserbird16 but it’s not highly unlikely. The divorce rate is 50%. So you have a 1 in 2 chance of splitting up, just like the rest of us. Divorce is also not the only way people become single parents...

Sorry I don’t mean to pick on you! But this is the way we all think we make these decisions, myself included. Everyone thinks these things won’t happen to them, until they do (like they did to me).

Just double checked and the divorce rate is now 42%, not 50%. So not quite a 1 in 2 chance but still very high.

Personally I don't think living in a different area of your native country is all that comparable. For a start, as the pandemic has really brought home to all of us, international travel is not at all the same thing as domestic travel. Even when a flight is short it's not solely a question of travelling time and having your family in the same country as you is not the same as having them across a national border.

Also just in terms of daily life and that tension that comes from being foreign. People who grew up in the same country as you have a shared cultural background. You (probably) speak the same native language as the people around you and you share a lot of references and knowledge. You are familiar with the systems (healthcare, education, taxes, traffic rules etc. etc.), the politics, the history, the food. Being in a new city is really nothing like being in a whole new country. There's so much you don't notice until you're living abroad and then you go back to your country of origin and everything is just easy and natural, like you can breathe freely after you didn't even know how much you were gasping for breath before. These things get easier with time, until you end up in the position of not really fitting in completely in either country, which is also a bit of a challenge. So I'm glad your partner is happy, Roseblack, but you're really not in the same boat as him.

I say all this as someone who is very glad I emigrated and never plans on moving back to the UK. There is so much I love about my adopted country and I would want to live here whether I split up with my partner or not (though I met him after emigrating and did not move 'for' him). But OP is quite right not to jump into this without serious thought.

@roseotter I get your point that yes in general marriages do not always work out. I'm not being flippant as moving counties is massive risk that needs to be considered deeply, you are away from support networks etc.

However, in my case DH and I doing ok and he continues to go up in my estimation. We were friends for years before we started dating so we had a good understanding of our compatibility, it was still a big leap on my part but I'd lived in a few places so I was content that if it didn't work out I'd be ok. I also wasn't happy where I was in the UK so it wasn't a big loss to move.

*Countries

Aargh don't do it please please please don't do it OP.

You need 4 pillars of life: friends/social context, job, family/partnership or happy singledom, and what I call the Variables (schooling, food, weather, culture, public transport, tiny indefinable differences in people's attitudes).

If you move country for your partner, your other 3 pillars all have to be rock-solid in his location.

You have to choose the place before you choose him, in that place. I didn't, nuff said.

You have to choose the place before you choose him, in that place.

Spot on.

I did it when I was 25, that was 23 years ago. The 'love' turned out to be, well a massive turd of a human but I stayed in the country and settled. Key - have a job before moving if possible so you are not depending on your partner for social aspects as well as financial, and ideally choose a town with a good base of foreign immigrants like you (don't start me on 'expats' that live here 25 years). If you have to please learn the language as early as you can, even in countries where 'everyone speaks English' they really don't, and integrating is hard.

The country is a key factor - I moved to the Netherlands from Ireland - so not so far and easily sorted to move back, I already had many friends scattered around the world so just became yet another from my university year. You'll hear both good and bad experiences here, really you are the only once can see if it's good for you or not, but preparation and keeping independence are so important.

The divorce rate is 50%. So you have a 1 in 2 chance of splitting up, just like the rest of us.

It doesn't work like that though does it. Splitting up isn't random chance. I'd say it's fairly predictable for many couples.

Anyway it's a huge sacrifice and I wouldn't do it unles you genuinely want to live in that country, you get on with his family, you are very confident in the relationship, and you can maintain some independence in terms of career. Otherwise you could end up resentful and trapped.

I did it but made it clear we had to be married before I would agree to emigrate.

The big risk is The Hague convention. If you have children, you are potentially stuck in that country even if your relationship breaks up, unless your DP agrees you can leave with the children.

I wouldn't do it unless you would want to live in that country even if you were separated.

I moved to DHs home country and I honestly regret it.
On paper this country is a haven. A wealthy, scenic country with excellent living standards. However its also insular and xenophobic. Not to mention it’s freezing and dark for 6 months of the year.

I’ve lived here 6 years and it still don’t feel settled. Its caused issues in my marriage as I’ve struggled with depression. I’m also resentful of DH as he has his family and friends nearby and a thriving career whereas I’m a SAHM (not by choice) and have to catch a flight to see my family.

You are so young. Honestly, I would urge against.

And I say this as someone who’s DH made the move for me.

It was his idea. My Dad was very unwell, and we’d met and been living in his home country.

Because it was his idea, I felt comfortable about it. I didn’t want it to be me having to convince him to do it.

We’ve been back here for just over 10 years and we have a lovely life here (TheChurch’s 4 pillars in place), touch wood. But it was / is a huge sacrifice for him because he is very close to his family and left a huge circle of very social friends (who’d fully integrated me into their group) behind.

We live a long way away from them now. Pre-COVID, this wasn’t so bad. One way or another DH saw his parents at least once a year.

Our borders have now been shut for nearly two years. We could never have foreseen this. His parents are ageing, and it’s my constant worry that something will happen and he will have missed so much time with them.

He doesn’t mention this, bring it up, or anything. God knows I would, if it were me in that situation.

So even though it’s (again, touch wood), worked out well for us, we’re the exception that proves the rule, and it’s only because my DH is a much better person than me!

At 25, no way would I be making that sort of risky move / sacrifice.

@ChurchofLatterDayPaints

Aargh don't do it please please please don't do it OP.

You need 4 pillars of life: friends/social context, job, family/partnership or happy singledom, and what I call the Variables (schooling, food, weather, culture, public transport, tiny indefinable differences in people's attitudes).

If you move country for your partner, your other 3 pillars all have to be rock-solid in his location.

You have to choose the place before you choose him, in that place. I didn't, nuff said.

This in spades

I did, although it was very much a joint decision as it enabled us to get on the housing ladder / provide a better (hmm - maybe not better, but more financially stable) life for our daughter etc. Then DH died and I found myself stuck (financially) in a country that's far away from my family, bringing up our 3 y/o alone. Which has been very, very hard.

On balance, I think we made the right decision - my daughter will probably have a happier childhood and definitely a better education - but I miss my friends, my family and my home like mad, every single day, and if I could move back I probably would.

It's a big decision. You never know what life will throw at you. I knew DH and I wouldn't split up so I wasn't worried about it, but of course nobody can predict death.

I did when I was in my early twenties, and while I don’t regret it, I has been hard at times. It created a real imbalance in our relationship as at the beginning I was hugely dependent on DP. He had to help me find my way round everything, we socialised with his friends, his family etc and I had very little money of my own for quite a long time.

And something to consider: after a few years ‘going home’ becomes difficult too. People move on without you there and things change!