AIBU to ask people who moved countries for love...

[sorucettee45]

How did you decide to do it? How sure were you of your relationship? Did you ever feel resentful for moving away from family and your own career/qualifications taking a backseat?

I'm 25, we've been dating three years.

Not in this position yet but it's looking increasingly likely I'd be the one to move to close the gap. Mostly as a Visa is easier for me to get due to my citizenship, partner has family care commitments (ie, family who are disabled) and I don't and the fact that my partner really doesn't like living in my home country and has genuinely tried it.

I'm not opposed to the country he lives in and I love visiting. But at the same time, moving there is very different and I'm so close to my family, I can't even imagine living abroad permanently at the moment!

A previous poster said choose the location before you choose him. Well I chose London way before I met DH, while it was for my studies, I think I probably did choose London given that I applied for 3 london universities for my UCAS application! And I loved London from the start.

I suppose if you don't love your other half's country from the start it may be quite hard.

I can see the logic of choosing the location before you choose the partner... but I also think that if you're with the right person, you can often make it work, even if it's not your ideal location. I occasionally think how different things would have been if I'd got together with a fellow Brit and stayed in the UK (as I 'd prefer to live there) but tbh, DH has been worth it.

I'd rather be with DH in a less-than-ideal location than back home with a less-than-ideal man, IYSWIM. Even if he buggers off tomorrow, I've had 20 great years with him and I can't regret them.

I did. We dated for over two years long-distance. We would see each other every 4-6 weeks. He was in the US and I was in the UK. We married and applied for my spousal visa. That took 10 months to process and I moved to the US. We have been married 7 years now and I am now a US citizen after going through the naturalization process under the 3-year rule.

No regrets at all. I love living in the US and I love the life I have with my husband. There’s no option for us to move to the UK as my husband would not be able to get a visa. Of course I miss my family but the positives outweigh the negatives.

I did it, but I really liked my partner’s country, liked the culture and was excited to move there

I was also quite happy to leave family and friends behind and start a new adventure

DP never put pressure on me to move to his country, it was completely my own decision.

So I’ve never felt resentment. I was 25 at the time.

Your set up sounds different though, and not like it is what you really want ?

I move abroad at 19 for love, came back at 29.
I didn't have my own life there--it was about his career, his friends, his education. I didn't resent it at the time but I do (a little!) now that I am in my 40s (with hindsight)
I regret not establishing myself independently (education, good job)--I tried making my own friends but made very few. I gave up my education and various jobs to move around his country for his career.
My advice to you (if you go) have your own support network (I had none!), find a good job, friends, advance or finish your education. Don't rely solely on him and don't put his needs before your own.
And hold off having children (if you want any) until you are established and you know more about him (living with him on his turf!)
It's ok to move abroad as long as you have your own finances and a decent income independently of him.

I agree with PP that if forums like MN existed 25 years ago I would have perhaps made a different decision. I moved for love to a country I loved visiting,but the reality if being a foreign female, being the outsider and then more practically with terrible health care facilities really hit home once I had a baby. I had never felt so alone. We are now divorced but the reality is he never fitted in here, and I didnt there and if we are not in the same country then the kids don't see a parent or one of their parents is unhappy. it's not great and if I had thought of that beforehand i would have not made the same decision.

The realities reallly do hit home when you have kids. I wanted to move to DH’s country, was only moderately close to my family and was excited about living abroad. I mostly loved it once I adjusted for several years. Then we married and had kids, I felt totally different and wanted to return home. He doesn’t want to leave his country. I’m now stuck here and massively resentful, especially after covid!

OP if you are very close to your family and can’t imagine living overseas please don’t do it. The old saying “you can always come back” really isn’t that simple once marriage and kids are involved.

I agree with others that if I had known about Mumsnet 11 years ago and had asked for advice, as you have, I may have made different decisions.

@PuffinShop

I'd say you are very wise to think about it extremely carefully. I emigrated independently because I really wanted to live in that country, but I've seen a lot of these relationships and it can cause a lot of resentment and heartache. Ideally you should genuinely want to emigrate to that country regardless of the relationship. I've seen both men and women who are utterly miserable, hate so much about the country we live in, but don't want to leave the relationship or are trapped by the fact that they've had children there.

Emigrating is practically and emotionally hard work, especially when it's something that is supposed to be long term or permanent. It's a risky thing to do 'for' someone else. Because you won't love every second. It has to be something you want for you. No matter how well you integrate (and I am a citizen of my new country who has been here for over a decade and completely consider it my home) there is always that slight tension of being a foreigner, not completely fitting in, plus the practical issues of being across a national border from most of your family.

Be especially cautious about putting down permanent roots by having children abroad. If you have children in another country and their other parent is quite happy where they are, you are essentially trapped in that country for 18 years unless you want to abandon your children. Before you do it you have to really think hard about whether you would like to be a single parent in that country, a foreigner alone without a family support network, if the relationship broke down. I appreciate you're probably not at that stage yet, but if you're thinking about emigrating for this person, are children theoretically on the cards or do you plan to remain childfree anyway?

Good post.

I’ve moved several times for DH, and he has for me, but we’re originally from the same country, so a bit different — but even then, it can cause tension when you’re primarily somewhere for the other person’s job. (I loathed our time in the ME for his job, and said I was leaving, and it was up to him to follow me.) We also have a lot of couple friends where the pair are from different countries and one has moved to be with the other, settled and had children there, and I think that, although these are basically happy 20-year-plus relationships, the partner who moved would say they aren’t entirely without regrets. I know one of my closest friends (American, married and settled in France) resents how much more work she’s had to do to integrate, work on her language skills etc. It’s been hard during Covid to be far away from ageing parents, and a lot of work is often involved in making sure children have a real relationship with the distant set of grandparents and other family. You need a strong base relationship.

@DamnUserName21

I move abroad at 19 for love, came back at 29. I didn't have my own life there--it was about his career, his friends, his education. I didn't resent it at the time but I do (a little!) now that I am in my 40s (with hindsight) I regret not establishing myself independently (education, good job)--I tried making my own friends but made very few. I gave up my education and various jobs to move around his country for his career. My advice to you (if you go) have your own support network (I had none!), find a good job, friends, advance or finish your education. Don't rely solely on him and don't put his needs before your own. And hold off having children (if you want any) until you are established and you know more about him (living with him on his turf!) It's ok to move abroad as long as you have your own finances and a decent income independently of him.

This is really good advice ^^. Essentially, get yourself established with your own career and friends over there before you have children. Build up your own support network - I didn't know anyone when I moved to the US but have some good friends now - and make sure that you could manage if anything did happen to your relationship.

It was a pretty easy decision. Dh was by far the healthiest, most solid relationship I ever had (was 30 at the time and lots of long-term relationships before him). We were together for nearly 3 years at that point and planning to get married a few months after my move. I was 100% sure it was the right thing and 12 years later, still 100% sure it was.

The thing is though that it was no detriment to me. It didn't negatively affect my career in any way, and in fact, the career prospects here and work-life balance is certainly much better than my home country. It would have been challenging for dh to work in my home country though and to emigrate successfully, hence why I made the move. I'm a citizen now and we have dc. Even if we were to split up (which I can't see us doing as very happy), this is my home and I would never return to the country where I was born. I barely even visit and have no regrets/don't miss it one bit. I am not close to my family, so moving to be with him meant I suddenly had a ready made family and a support network that I didn't have back there.

The thing is that, for it to work, it has to be a move you'd be happy to make even if not for a relationship. That said, you're 25 with no children. I would go and live abroad, do some travelling, have some adventure. You don't have to sign up to live in another country for the rest of your life at this point. I would just enjoy the experience and see what happens.

I did at 24, now 20 years later I do regret leaving my family and good friends. I have friends here and kids but I don't feel at home, and probably never will. His family have not been great and I tend to avoid them now, they are just so different and still see me as a foreigner; with strange ideas. i will never be respected or understood by them

When you are in your 20s everything feels possible and nothing seems to be a big obstacle, things are harder when you have your own family and any issues are tougher when your own family and old friends are far away. Think very hard before making leaps and be prepared to move back if things dont work out.

My friend came from Mexico to do her masters in the UK. While here she met her now husband.

They did long distance while he finished his PhD and she returned to the job and paid off her debt to them (they funded her masters)

When they married she moved back to the UK. Really they had no other choice, he doesn't speak Spanish and therefore could not work in Mexico.

She misses her dad and brother but on the whole doesn't regret her decision.

Oh gosh this is such a hard decision. I think there’s been a lot of great advice on this thread.

It’s not the same as I was single when I lived abroad for 3 years but i seriously considered staying there and didn’t because of being far away from family and friends. I have friends from that time who met their partners there, have stayed and had children. While they’re happy overall I know there’s a bit of resentment from the “foreign” partner who misses their family, particularly during the pandemic when it’s been impossible to visit

Re. Missing family. If you emigrate with children or plan to have children in the new location, it's obviously harder to leave (sometimes impossible) if things don't work out. OTOH, your children are also your family there, IYSWIM, especially as they get older.

@ISeeTheLight. Don't feel unwanted. Please remember there are so many of us here in the UK who welcome a multiracial society.

DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 5. I am from Canada, he is from the UK.

How did you decide to do it?
DH (DP at the time) was doing his degree and PhD at a University in the UK, and I could live wherever to do my job.

How sure were you of your relationship?
Positive. We weren't engaged yet, but neither of us had any doubts.

Did you ever feel resentful for moving away from family and your own career/qualifications taking a backseat?
Yes. I often still do, especially when DH says he doesn't want to visit his family. He is so lucky to live in the same country as them! Honestly, this is the source of our biggest recurring fight.

You have to choose the place before you choose him.

This

I didn’t but lucked out because The Netherlands was a safer bet than my Ex was. I’ve never been homesick but then again, London is very accessible from The Hague.

It’s all about mindset. I chose to move for me, this idea of expecting a partner to reciprocate seems wild. There isn’t a cat in hells chance that I would of moved to the part of the Netherlands that my Ex is from because I would have lost my independence.

If you worry about not being close enough to family or friends, if you’re going to be financially dependent on your partner, if you would find it difficult building a life independent of your partner etc. Then don’t do it.

I have. We'd been dating for 6 years on and off when he moved back home and I followed him 9 months later. We've been in his home country for almost six years now. Got married, had one baby and have another due imminently. I've not regretted moving until covid happened and now we're really cut off from my family (his home country has strict border controls for foreigners). It's especially hard as covid coincided with the birth of our first baby so I feel like my family have missed a lot.

It wasn't a hard decision to make moving here. Who knows what would have happened if we'd stayed in the UK - we'd have probably gotten on the housing ladder as we were just about to buy before we decided to leave and now the places we were looking at are significantly more expensive! But we'd have missed out on spending more time with DH's mum before she died. There are some things you just can't know without hindsight so I'd say just go with your instincts and remember nothing is permanent. We're thinking of moving back to the UK soon but I think we'll keep our house here and aim towards splitting our time between both countries.

To what others say about always being foreign - yes, it's hard. I really struggled to click with anyone for the first 4 years but since moving to a new town and having kids I'm a lot more settled and have made some good friends (not helped by covid though).

I met my DH when he was in the UK for a working holiday and we knew from the start he couldn’t stay, so we dated for the duration of his visa and then I left with him, plan was to stay in his home country but after a year, my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, so we came back to the UK and he got a visa based on our de facto relationship (significantly easier back then). We didn’t intend to stay in the UK but life sort of went on and before you know it we are still here. It definitely wasn’t our intention though - I’ve been up for moving back several times, but DH wants to stay here,.

I knew the night I met him I would marry him so I never had any doubts about the right thing to do, I think in this situation you have to trust your gut.

Make sure you love the country too.
You can always come back anyway. I moved abroad a few years ago. Zero regrets

I did over 20 yrs ago. I was 27 at the time. It was an easy decision I was at cross roads work wise and I have moved around the world a few times for university etc so I felt moving was something i could do at that time without too much homesickness feeling. We'd been doing the long distance thing for a couple of years, and I decided to move to his country to give it a try. Plus it was not all that far way get home if I needed to.

The country I live is not an English speaking country although a lot of people speak good English ( depends on where you are though). The first few years were extremely tough I also had a baby not long after I moved. I knew know one and also not the language. My partner now DH was bloody marvellous as was his family they really supported me. I got myself into night school started learning the language, found a job and eventually made friends and found other expats like me and started to live my own life. But it wasn't easy and there were times where i was very close to jacking it in and moving back to the UK. I also had a few I gave it all up for you moments which were in hind sight unfair to my DH but I did feel a little resentful, but this was early days.

So 20+ yrs down the line and it's my home. I do genuinely love living here ( Netherlands) I am so happy to be able to raise my kids here, I bike to work and they to school. The kids have a great school life not at all stressful and no school uniform crap to worry about. We live in a small but very close knit village that has taken me in as the the token foreigner under their wing for the past 20 years and have been overall genuine, helpful and welcoming.
Obviously had its ups and down through the years and it's not perfect but I am happy and wouldn't move back to the UK if you paid me to.
I have been fluent in Dutch for the past 15 years, I have dual nationality so thankfully kept my EU passport.

What i say to my older kids is, give it a go you can always come home. You don't know unless you tried it's not for everyone I know but it worked for me.

My background is that I left home at 17 and did uni in two different cities before moving home for a few years. I knew I could make a community for myself where ever I went, so felt quite independent, even moving to a new country.

When I ( aussie) was your age I went on a one year working holiday teaching English is Asia. I met DH ( dutch) there. When we first got together I visited his country and knew I could live there, this was a big factor in us moving forward. Each time I visited I fet more and more sure of my idea that I could live there. Living in a 3rd country I knew there would be a choice in the future. We got together and lived there together for 9 years, in that time got married and had a kid. As DS got to school age we had to make a choice. I chose his country as I wanted the kids to have more languages and knew they would never learn his language if we moved to my English speaking country.

How did you decide to do it?
I just knew from visiting I liked the county. I all so knew he would be happy to move to my country. The kids being bilingual was a plus. I had been away from my home country for about 10 years at that stage and each visit home felt more detached from it all. That helped

How sure were you of your relationship?

We had been together a few years and cruising along, when I had to have a very direct conversation and it was scary. We were living together in a different country and I had invested years in the relationship , if we were not on the same page I had to be ready to walk away.
I wanted kids with him and I was approaching 30. He said no kid without marriage. It was good to have our cards on the table and plan a future. At that stage we still had not decided a country to live long term but we had committed to being together.

Did you ever feel resentful for moving away from family and your own career/qualifications taking a backseat?

I had already live away from my family for a long time so that was ok. Accidents and deaths can happen if you are there but you have to make peace with that. I remind people in this small country there are lots of families who have not seen each other for a long time because they live at different ends. It helps my parents are supportive. I miss my mum tells me we have more conversation that the drop in drop out visits from my sister in the neighbourhood. A bit of swings and roundabouts.

Qualifications and so, I have not worked since having kids due to different circumstances, which in hindsight has worked out better for our family. I have some what ifs but no real regrets. I will have the chance to get my qualification soon.
I love my family but I need the space away to be myself.

I have no regrets and am happy at the independence my kids have here that they would not have in my home country. I miss my family but we have a family chat. My husband is amazing and I wouldn't chose to be with anyone else no matter where we lived

I do miss not having a laugh about pop culture things from my childhood but that has changed so much Media is so global now with streaming, I can watch the same shows as my family, read the same news ( even local).
Because I moved here with a school aged child and had another it has been really easy to build a support network here. I met lots of friends at language class and the international mothers groups. I have local friends too.

I think things went well for a few reasons
-as the pp poster said mindset
-being clear about our relationship expectations

• knowing he was willing to move to my country too
• family culture. DH and I actually have very similar family cultures/ ideals. This has been more important than country culture over time.

Good luck deciding. it is a tough decision and only you know your circumstances. I know my story is different, I didn't move straight from my country to his and I had lots of experience moving about.

I agree with the pp though kids change things.

I did it when I was 20 - I moved to the UK from America. It was incredibly difficult and there have been times when I've not been sure it's been the right decision. He's always been up for moving to America or Canada if I really wanted to which has really helped. I'm 37 now and we're got a 3 year old and I feel pretty settled in London but it's still hard sometimes. I really like the UK especially comparison to America so that's helped. I think it's a really big decision with so many different facets like your relationship with your family, what you'd do career wise and whether you really like the country you'd be moving to.

I did it. I don't regret it. I graduated in the shadows of 2008, my country struggled a bit, so I couldn't find work, this put strain on my relationships and bogged down my wellbeing. I moved here for a 1 year paid internship, met my husband and decided to stay. It wasn't easy, but it was definitely worth it.

You have to be prepared for the fact it will not change you, but shred you to pieces and build you back into somebody you won't be able to recognise. The key is not to fight it, otherwise you will risk serious mental health issues.

I am happy now, years on. I don't regret it at all, even with some tough times that DH and I went through (medically). I do miss my family, but Sweden isn't far when covid doesn't prevent us from seeing each other. I work, and enjoy it. I formed a couple of solid friendships. My ILs are amazing. I own my own house. I wish we weren't battling infertility and that covid would do one, but otherwise, it's good.