AIBU to ask people who moved countries for love...

[sorucettee45]

How did you decide to do it? How sure were you of your relationship? Did you ever feel resentful for moving away from family and your own career/qualifications taking a backseat?

I'm 25, we've been dating three years.

Not in this position yet but it's looking increasingly likely I'd be the one to move to close the gap. Mostly as a Visa is easier for me to get due to my citizenship, partner has family care commitments (ie, family who are disabled) and I don't and the fact that my partner really doesn't like living in my home country and has genuinely tried it.

I'm not opposed to the country he lives in and I love visiting. But at the same time, moving there is very different and I'm so close to my family, I can't even imagine living abroad permanently at the moment!

I did. No regrets. Love this country, great health care system, great education system, I speak the language and therefore it's easy to do day to day activities.

Before the pandemic, seeing family and friends happened often. Since the pandemic, yeah it's been really difficult. BUT that's obviously an unprecedented situation in our lifetime.

It's always worth it to try. You can build a new life there, Facebook pages for meet ups, meet people at a hobby group, establish your career there. If you don't like, you go home again

I did. My ex was and is abusive so obviously that didn't work out.

However, I'm glad I've moved to the UK and had my son here so I supposed it all worked out in the end.

I came to the UK to study at 21, meet DH and stayed. Things have worked out fine for me, but I think it's primarily for two reasons: English is my first language so I assimilated quickly and have never felt "other", and my marriage with DH is rock solid, full of respect and consideration.

The hardest time for me was when my DC were babies and my new mum friends would meet their mums for lunch or have extra hands at home. I was so lonely as I hadn't been here long enough to have work friends/ school friends. DH and I had very little help with the DC.

I haven't seen my family in 2.5 years because of covid and flights for the 5 of us are hugely expensive. When my mum says she's just taking the other GC camping or to the cinema, my heart aches that my DC aren't going too. My DC have dual citizenship but they don't really identify with my culture. Those are all the worst things.

I am happy and glad I chose DH, but it could have worked out so much worse.

I found it hard and was resentful for the first three or four years. I grew up down the street from family so deciding to move 6000 miles away was a huge deal mentally and emotionally. I really began to settle when my oldest was a toddler and we bought a house. It felt more permanent somehow, and it was a choice we made together as our own small family. But yeah, up to that point it was super hard not to bring up the huge sacrifice I had made every time we had an argument.

I did this and still have a very difficult time with it after we had children and I had friends, career, and life here as an expat. Don’t have children overseas, it changes everything. We have a nice life, but I’ll be going home after my children grow up. Think long and hard before you make that commitment.

My parents moved oversees with their international organisation, they stayed over 35years. That's clearly now the same as emigrating but in that time we got to know lots of families.

Apart from the usual factors of his string your relationship is etc, I think the level of ties you have to the originating country matters a lot, to predict the success of the venture .

As I learned, my parents both had families they left behind but they were not particularly close to those left behind. Their 'favourite' siblings had already moved away and encouraged them to do the same, for the improved employment and hence lifestyle prospects available elsewhere.

The unhappiest people we met abroad were those who had been close to their families and who daily missed that close contact they no longer had with loved ones.

How would you feel if you never saw family and friends left behind? If you can live with that as the price to pay for a better life, then go for it.

A very poignant thread . It has always fascinated me when people have left the ( hopefully ) security and safety of their homeland.
Something I don’t think I could ever have done.
There always seems to have been too big a loss for me to get ever over.

I used to be fascinated with Australia down under…such a long way to go

My cousins sisters made new lives in Toronto and his brother in Canada and all had partners from their home area
None were there to say goodbye to their parents.
Maybe you have to be a certain kind of person to be able to do that and I’m just not that kind of person.

Now covid has shown us what a fragile hold we have on our own autonomy I’m very relieved I’m in my own country with my family around me.
Just me I guess.
I’m fascinated to know where you all moved to

I moved to Iceland. It is a wonderful country and somewhere I always wanted to live. It's a much safer and more secure society than the UK in my experience and for me it's a much better way of life. But it was my independent decision. I think it's an especially hard country for trailing partners for many reasons.

@SnackSizeRaisin I think that is a very naive view… you can’t necessarily predict your partner falling out of love with you, cheating on you, or how your relationship will cope with life stressors like children or aging parents. If divorce was so easily predicable and avoidable, the rate wouldn’t be so high!!

Also, it’s not nice to think about, but there are other ways to become a single parent… like if your partner suddenly dies.

I did it and I have no regrets.
I moved to the UK to be with my DH almost 40 years ago.
We didn't have the internet or mobile phones then so communication with my family and friends was via airmail. I used to love getting their letters with all their news and views. I still have them all.
I did go back to my home country to give birth to each of the kids, because I wanted them to be citizens of my birth country.
Sometimes you just have to take a leap into the great unknown.

I met DHnwhen we were both working abroad. 6 months after we met he was posted to a third country and I spent 6 months flying there twice a month for the weekend then moved there and gave up my job. We spoent about 3 months there and his dad got sick and we moved back to the UK-= I had never been to the UK before.

That was nearly 20 years ago and it worked for us completely. The deal was that we would move to the UK so we could care for hsi dad, then move to my home country to do the same for my parents. But that has not worked out and we have a disabled child and it would now be quite tricky. When we could travel freely I would go to my home country every year and my family would come here every year and it was okay. Since covid it has been 28 months since I have seen my parents or sister and nephews. So that has been really hard.

I have had moments of resentment. My life would be different if i had stayed in my career - I had some real possibilities there. But, I love DH and our marriage is strong and I would rather be with him and with our little family than anywhere else. It's worked out, but at times has not been easy. But then again no relationships are always easy!

Think hard and carefully.
I moved independently; was living here in the UK when I met DP. However especially since the brexit vote I have felt pretty unwanted here but I can't move back. DP doesn't want to move countries, he's happy here, and we have a child together who I won't leave behind (and taking her with me wouldn't be possible as he'd never agree to that; understandably so as he wants to see his child). Overall I have accepted it and am making the most of it but it has been very difficult at times; especially as I feel quite isolated - we now live near his family who we see almost every day whilst I get to see mine maybe twice a year. It was complete my choice to move here but I still resent him sometimes for being close to his family and in a place he loves. And I even have a successful career that I love; I could never move somewhere for someone whilst also sacrificing my career. What if the relationship ends - you'd be completely stuck.

Would you want to live in the country if your partner was taken out of the quotation? Would you ever want to move there independently? If no, personally I wouldn't do it.

I did it and loved living in his country but then when I got pregnant I wanted to return home and raise my baby . So we now live in my country and he loves it here and much prefers it to his own. 😊

I don't know that I regret it necessarily, but after over 2 decades abroad I am moving back home now without my husband. I have been wanting to move home for the last 10 or so years, and it's been a strain on our marriage for sure. He does not want to leave the UK.

I has definitely had a negative effect on my career. We also lived in France for years for his job, and that pretty much left a huge 5 year gap in my CV. I did work there but not work in any way relevant or useful for my career.

I think you should try it. The time to really decide is before you have kids with him (if that's on the cards), once you have done that you are stuck. My youngest is now months away from finishing 6th form, so that's why I am making the move now.

DH did it for me (not my country, I don't hold a passport, but I had spent a chunk of my teenage years there and it was my second home which I missed terribly when back in the UK).

The first phase was great. Then the novelty wore off, he missed his friends and it took commitment. Thankfully I have amazing friends who made an enormous effort with him, and are now no longer her just my friends. We have been here for 16 years so far, and every now and again we discuss if we should go back to the UK.

But we are both genuinely happy here, and enjoy raising a family. We must sort out nationality for the kids!

Slightly different but I moved to countries where neither DH nor I were from, but for his work. Both were English speaking. I managed to have my own work visa for one, but not for the other - we weren’t allowed to have a joint bank account for that one, nor was I allowed a card for his account in case I ran off with his money.

After 6 years, I decided to put my career first and move somewhere that we would both be able to work. It’s made a huge difference in the balance shift of our relationship, and my salary is now about 85% what his is, despite only coming back to the workplace on a low salary in 2017.

He’s now living in “my” country and it’s working well. I expect we will move in the future to his country, although weirdly enough the industry he works in is booming here but in decline there, so we might be here for longer.

I moved to the US for the sake of DH’s career ( he’s American and was offered a good opportunity here) and while there’s many cultural aspects that I don’t like, I’ve settled here and made a life for myself. I have my own friends and if we split up, I wouldn’t immediately move back to the UK. One thing I’d strongly recommend is getting a qualification in the new country as soon as you can, because it really helps your job prospects. I worked for a while and then got a Master’s here, but I wish I’d done it right away as it really opened doors for me. Doesn’t matter what your field is, it’s the name recognition.

Our children have dual citizenship and so if one of them decides to live in the UK, we may move back. I know I’d be culturally “forrin” there now though after years away. I’d soon settle back in, but would always be a bit transatlantic. 😂

I did.

We were penpals from ages 16-23.
I am from the US and he's from England.
In those years, I married young and had a son with my first husband.
He had a long-standing relationship and was engaged to be married.
That particular year that we finally met was because his engagement ended and I had filed for divorce from my husband.

We carried on a two and a half year long distance relationship when I took the plunge and decided to move with my then three-year-old to England and marry the Englishman.
We had only spent an equivalent of six weeks physically together throughout that time.

Due to immigration restrictions, there's no chance of living together to find out if it works before deciding on long-term, it is literally all or nothing. I went on a fiancée visa, exactly 26 years ago today, and we married two months later.

I was 25 when I did this and it was a great time.
I was ready for the challenge of living in a new country with my son and the man I loved. I still look on those days with fondness. Every day, I learned something new and I appreciated the differences in our different cultures. I'm Mexican-American and my first language is Spanish, so I did struggle with different food (and in 1995, Mexican food was hardly available then) and not hearing or using my mother tongue and I grew up with Latin American Catholicism and my husband with a bit of CofE was different but it was okay. We both rolled with the changes.

I'll admit that it wasn't all smooth sailing but it was a marriage and all marriages have their issues, really. We moved to the US in 2004, when my husband lost his job and we lost everything due to the Dot Com Bubble of 2000 and the Telecoms Crash of 2001. He's had 17 years of living in the US and now we are now empty-nesters and grandparents but we will be returning to the UK within 10 years to retire.

I had many, many people give me their advice not to move abroad back in 1995. I listened to all their sage advice but I had the idea that if it didn't work out, I could go home. But I had more the attitude of, "make it work". I trusted my instincts that the man in England was a good man and a person who understood that I came with a child and we had to work hard not to ruin it all. I've never regretted it.

@sorucettee45 Trust your own instincts!

The other main issues I have found is racism and resentment towards me at work. (Only one workplace to be fair). My line manager had a csreaming hissy fit at me because she thought it was disgusting the firm had employed a non-british person- taking british jobs. Never mind I have been here 20 odd years.

The other issue is now my parents are getting older and more frail I have been on the receving end of resentment from my sibling as she perceives that I swanned off and left all the care to her. This resentment has also been expressed by my mother's siblings as well, and as me being selfish. I find that quite hard to take as I have very real reasons why I cannot move home right now, such as issues with my disabled son..... we simply could not afford to meet his medical needs in my home country. But the last time I was 'home' I was on the receiving end of quite alot of anger.

ElP that made me well up.
I left to spend some time in another European country with my then boyfriend. Neither of us had any connection to this country. We ended up staying - have been here for almost 25 years. I found it really hard at the beginning, miserable even, but I knew that my dh (as he became) would be even more miserable if we returned to our home country, so I got on with it and things got better. I also detached from my family and friends as that was the only way to survive it.
Do I regret it? No, I don't think so as I was consumed by my young family and Dh and I are: were each other's best friends. But my relationship with my family altered and we missed out on so much.
Ironically my dc have gone to uni in our country of origin and may be the catalyst for our eventual return although it's not the sam place we left and we are not the same people.
I would think long and hard about something so irrevocable.

@pinkhousesarebest Technology has made it so much easier to stay in touch if you want to, though, and I do like to know what’s going on! I’m not into SM especially, but I’m on WhatsApp groups with old friends and phone them every few months for a catch-up.

Different ways work for different people, but I need to keep my old friendships going, we can still natter for hours!

I did it. I do not regret it but I don't recommend it. It has had incredible highs and incredible lows. I moved to be with my holiday romance aged 25, gave up a career and went somewhere without knowing the language. Two children and 15 years later, a citizen of the country and fluent in the language I returned home with the children for education reasons. DH stayed there to run his successful business. Pre COVID it was doable with lots of trips back and forth, never going more than 6 weeks apart. Since COVID it has been really tough. Lots of resentment has come along....I gave up everything yet it does not 'suit' him to do the same the other way round.

@PuffinShop I completely understand I'm not in the same position as him. I just said we're in the same boat in terms of not living close to our family. I think he would find it a lot more difficult if I could pop to my family when his were further away, and for us that adds balance to the situation (even if not a conscious choice).

Thank you everyone- I will be reading this tonight! I have a lot to consider

I did this. I married my law school classmate at 22. DH is a native Londoner and so I have been here for a total of 8 years, including 3 years of university. But I never really liked living in my home country and English is my first language. I feel quite lucky to be here as I have a lot more freedom in London. I haven't done great career wise but I am still in my 20s and constantly trying harder so hopefully it will pay off. I sometimes feel resentful because it was so hard to buy our apartment in London while housing for citizens is so much cheaper in Singapore as we can buy government subsidized flats. Also childcare is a lot more problematic as we can't rely on DH's mum the way I probably could have if i married a fellow singaporean. Other than that, life is much cheaper and better in London so I am glad I moved overall. I think DH would have been miserable in Singapore and I would have felt very claustrophobic being trapped in during the pandemic!