A separated parent missing a school pick up - big deal?

[Undecidedandtorn]

Since September me and my ex have been doing 50/50 with our two sons (7 and 14). We do a week on week off. On Wednesday whoever is not with the boys for that week will pick the youngest up from after school club (5ish), bring him home and all 4 of us have dinner together.

Its my week this week and there is a winter festival where we both work. I had forgotten about it until this morning and I asked the kids if they wanted to go. They said yes so I texted my ex and asked if he wanted to come with us. We will be home by 4.30. He's now kicked off because he was looking forward to picking the youngest up at 5. I accept that I should have checked with him first but it feels like he is going really over the top. AIBU?

I assume this childish behaviour on his part is why he's an ex.

I'm on the fence. I don't like people changing arrangements, he may have really been looking forward to collecting him.
What do you mean by kicked off though? Has he been shouting and swearing or has he just said that he's disappointed and would have preferred to collect as usual?
It's a bit off to ask the kids if they want to go to something, changing the long standing arrangement with their other parent, without speaking to that parent first.

Oh hold on a minute, you'll be home from the winter festival by 4.30 or you'll be home from school by 4.30 and then go to the winter festival?
If you'll be home from the winter festival by 4.30 so he's still seeing the children at the same time then I think he's a bit more unreasonable. I enjoy collecting ds from school though, we have a lovely chat on the way home so maybe your ex is thinking he'll miss that.

If it's the picking up he likes could he pick up on Thursday instead? It sounds like he's being a bit of an arse especially if it's just a one off but who knows. Is it possible he's upset that ds has chosen to go to the winter festival with you over being picked up by him?

You should have checked with him. He might have had something else planned (however unlikely). I'd be a bit pissed off too if regular plans were changed at short notice without my being consulted. Not sure I'd "kick off" though, whatever that means. I' would make it clear that I wasn't happy.

There does have to be some flexibility between separated parents

Why would he want your child is ASC rather than having fun?

And yes, he could do the Thursday pick up instead if he likes collecting him

I would pick the 7yo up at 3 and we would be home from the fair by 4.30 . I have offered Thursday up and he's said that he can pick from school up today at 3 and walk part of the way so I will meet them and he then come up and carry on working. But that he's really upset about it. He's not shouting but has sent me several tests even though I have apologised and tried to think of alternatives that will work for him.

The alternative would be that the kids wouldn't have gone to the fair which seems an unreasonable stance.

If he isn't shouting or being abusive then I don't think it's fair to say he's kicking off. Sounds like he's accepted the change of plans. Some people find last minute changes to plans very stressful.

I'd be pissed off if I had a long-standing regular arrangement and was just told that it had changed without being consulted. It's just rude!

The fact that it involved my child would make me even more upset.

Stop apologising, stop offering to rearrange. You are doing what is right by the kids. Remind him, curtly, that the two of you are supposed to be working towards making life happy for the kids, not picking holes in each other.

He has 2 choices: demand that the kids do not go to the winter festival so he can have his routine or grow up and join in making his kids happy!

But stop pandering to him. He has to make as many compromises as you do, for the sake of your children!

I don't think it's a big deal, plans change, it's not the end of the world. You've invited him to come, offered to swap pick up days. I think you should of mentioned to him first, but honestly I can't imaging being pissed off my kids get to do something nice, that seems a very strange attitude.

Is he able to leave work early to go to the festival?

Is the Winter Festival on for 1 day only ? - if so it's a nice idea for the children. If it's on for longer - why did you want to go today and break the routine? I know it's nice to be spontaneous but why upset the apple cart for the lack of a bit of forethought ?

Appreciate you're just trying to have fun with the children but I can also understand why their father is upset - you could have handled this better by talking to your Ex before mentioning it to the children

You unilaterally changed the plans. Appreciate it’s for the children but you still changed the plan. And he’s not exactly “kicking off” either. So yes, YABU.

I’m sorry, I don’t understand his issue. He’ll still be able to see the children at 5pm, he just won’t have to do the pick up from after school club? So what is his actual issue?

I'd be pissed off if I had a long-standing regular arrangement and was just told that it had changed without being consulted. It's just rude

This. By changing his plans without consulting him, you've put your own plans above his in the pecking order. It would have been polite to just ask and not tell. You're not his mother.

You're not his mother. But she is the mother of his children.

He could simply have chosen to be happy for his kids going to the festival. Instead he chose to stand on his honour, on his routine. On himself.

So he’s pissed off that he can’t come do you think? It could he come but us choosing not to?

*or

So it’s literally the act of going to the school that he is missing out on and he’s kicking off about? he’s not losing any time with the child at all.

People changing things at the last moment because they are disorganised is annoying.
However I this case I think he should suck it up.

Offer to drop the youngest back to the after-school club after the festival so that he can pick up as usual? (Maybe he'll then realise that this is pretty silly, just so his routine isn't changed!)