A separated parent missing a school pick up - big deal?

[Undecidedandtorn]

Since September me and my ex have been doing 50/50 with our two sons (7 and 14). We do a week on week off. On Wednesday whoever is not with the boys for that week will pick the youngest up from after school club (5ish), bring him home and all 4 of us have dinner together.

Its my week this week and there is a winter festival where we both work. I had forgotten about it until this morning and I asked the kids if they wanted to go. They said yes so I texted my ex and asked if he wanted to come with us. We will be home by 4.30. He's now kicked off because he was looking forward to picking the youngest up at 5. I accept that I should have checked with him first but it feels like he is going really over the top. AIBU?

It is rude to change someone else's plans (which is what you did when you spoke to the DC s first rather than him). This is something I talk to my recently divorced DB about quite a lot though; when ppl are 'through' a separation or divorce, when there's no real heat, when they've made peace with whatever has happened, maybe even if they've got to the point of 'forgiving and fogetting' then wee things like this aren't a problem.

When ppl are in pain, hurt, or just coming to terms with new arrangements, small things can have a big impact. It's basically the change cycle. And it doesn't actually matter who initiated the divorce or whatever.

If he hasn't reached 'acceptance' in the change cycle then you should maybe admit you've been a bit thoughtless, say sorry, then move on. He might just have a way to go yet before he can automatically put the kids first in these kinds of situations.

Or he may be a controlling asshole of course, but as you don't mention that in your posts it's probably not that.

I think it’s basic manners to check with the other parent before you change their plans.

It may be that he’s more annoyed that you unilaterally changed plans rather than consulted him. That can be really grating.

I think we can all agree, including the op that she should have checked, but seriously, it's a school pick up, one out of hundreds and for a nice event. It's barely a flicker in the 'plans'. Fine for him to say 'oh, OK, but could you just run it by me next time'. Beyond that, any drama is unnecessary. And I actually think it's great if you can do one night a week dinner together. Not all separated couples have to go minimal contact and icy civility at doorstep handovers. I wish my ex would get over himself and do something like that, the kids would love it.

Is it a location issue? Where is ASC relative to yours? Is the issue actually that he needs you to meet back at ASC at 5pm so he can get there in time or something?

I don't understand why he can't collect the child from your house at 5pm? (i.e. he picks up a 5pm as usual). If that's a massive issue for him, meet him at ASC at 5pm.

I get it why the NRP is annoyed. Ultimately you've told the children they can do something without checking with him first. So if he says no he would like the bad guy.

It's just a case being an afterthought.

If it was the other way round the response would be very different.

Use of emotive language like “kicking off” designed to get people to agree with you is a cheap ploy. He hasn’t “kicked off” he’s disagreed.

And tbf I think a unilateral change of plans are n a day he does something with his kids isn’t great. How would you react if he’d done this to you?

@SingItToWinIt

Seems ridiculous and an overreaction - he's just missing school pick up.

Who runs ASC op? Not a very attractive female by any chance is it?

Oh ffs

@BillMasen

Use of emotive language like “kicking off” designed to get people to agree with you is a cheap ploy. He hasn’t “kicked off” he’s disagreed.

And tbf I think a unilateral change of plans are n a day he does something with his kids isn’t great. How would you react if he’d done this to you?

I'd imagine that, if she is of a sensible persuasion, she would have thought and texted "Oops! I missed that work event date too. Hope the kids have a lovely time, I'll see you for tea as usual"

Mostly because that's what adults do, separated or not!

It's not his week with them. Saying that I wouldn't be having dinner with my ex every week. I'd certainly knock it on the head after this pettiness

If he’s being an arse drop your son back to the ASC. So he can do his pick up!

He’s not missing contact time with his DC. OP is utilising her contact time with their DC and organising something fun on her time.

I’d also knock the family meals on the head.

The only thing OP changed was where the ex would need to go to get to his kids and that’s where they would have ended up anyway.

On Wednesday whoever is not with the boys for that week will pick the youngest up from after school club (5ish) while I appreciate that means it isn't "his week" you have made it so that it is his week to pick them up from after school club. He probably looks forward to the 1 to 1 time without having to spend it with you too.

I guess saying kicking off was the right term - it was his version of kicking off which is a number a long text messages. I'm incredibly laid back about contact and will do pick up or drop off if he can't and will just fit in with things but I apricate that I'm a fine with a moments notice type person and he isn't and will try harder in the future. If I had mentioned it a week ago he might have been able to change his meeting.

The family dinners are really important to all four of us so have no intention of knocking them on the head.