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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A separated parent missing a school pick up - big deal?

63 replies

Undecidedandtorn · 01/12/2021 09:44

Since September me and my ex have been doing 50/50 with our two sons (7 and 14). We do a week on week off. On Wednesday whoever is not with the boys for that week will pick the youngest up from after school club (5ish), bring him home and all 4 of us have dinner together.

Its my week this week and there is a winter festival where we both work. I had forgotten about it until this morning and I asked the kids if they wanted to go. They said yes so I texted my ex and asked if he wanted to come with us. We will be home by 4.30. He's now kicked off because he was looking forward to picking the youngest up at 5. I accept that I should have checked with him first but it feels like he is going really over the top. AIBU?

OP posts:
CrackersDontMatter · 01/12/2021 11:14

@lanthanum

Offer to drop the youngest back to the after-school club after the festival so that he can pick up as usual? (Maybe he'll then realise that this is pretty silly, just so his routine isn't changed!)
This. He's being ridiculous.
Goldbar · 01/12/2021 11:18

Of course he should want his kids to have fun.

Parents need to be sensible so kids don't miss out. If this was massively inconvenient for him or you were changing plans so often that it was undermining his parenting relationship with the kids, that would be different.

Original poster
Undecidedandtorn · 01/12/2021 11:24

He can't come as he needs to be home for an online meeting at 4. Interesting that it was a mixed bag of responses - I should have spoken to him as soon as I saw it advertised - I think I didn't initially realise it was on the Wednesday. Its only today its on for so I would 100% of taken them a different day if that was an option.

OP posts:
MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 01/12/2021 11:28

@Undecidedandtorn but what is he actually saying is the problem? Does he know he can still walk to the school and back again by himself if that’s what he was looking forward to?

FreeBritnee · 01/12/2021 11:31

Well he’s obviously having a hissy fit that you’re getting to be there while they have fun and he’s missing out on a bit of Disney dadding. I wouldn’t pander to it personally.

SD1978 · 01/12/2021 11:40

I'm a bit on the fence here. You've given absolutely no notice, knowing it's his day, and involved the kids before discussing it with him. You've invited him, on his day, to attend an event with you which whilst I have no doubt the kids will enjoy, he's had no say in, and if he said no, would upset the kids given they already know. I would have personally asked him first, and then the kids second, as that's would I would expect as a courtesy from my ex husband, as opposed to a message telling me it's all a done deal and to say no would make me look that the arsehole

LittleOwl153 · 01/12/2021 11:47

Maybe its time to knock the shared dinners on the head and do your own thing.

FreeBritnee · 01/12/2021 11:47

@SD1978

I'm a bit on the fence here. You've given absolutely no notice, knowing it's his day, and involved the kids before discussing it with him. You've invited him, on his day, to attend an event with you which whilst I have no doubt the kids will enjoy, he's had no say in, and if he said no, would upset the kids given they already know. I would have personally asked him first, and then the kids second, as that's would I would expect as a courtesy from my ex husband, as opposed to a message telling me it's all a done deal and to say no would make me look that the arsehole
But that scenario is called adulting. It’s what’s supposed to differentiate older people from young people.

You feel a little aggrieved. Then have a word with yourself for being childish knowing that the kids are going to have a great time and recognising that you too may have an opportunity to take them somewhere special in the future. You thank the lord you have an amicable relationship with your ex wife and then get over it.

Totalwasteofpaper · 01/12/2021 11:47

He's now kicked off because he was looking forward to picking the youngest up at 5.

This is ridiculous.
Ingore all the texts.

take the kids - offer him his pick of "your days" across the next fortnight to pick the kids up and ignore his emotional ridiculousness.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 01/12/2021 11:47

I don't quiet see the issue, is he missing out on time to see the children or simply the standing outside the school waiting for the child and going home bit?

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 01/12/2021 11:47

@SD1978

I'm a bit on the fence here. You've given absolutely no notice, knowing it's his day, and involved the kids before discussing it with him. You've invited him, on his day, to attend an event with you which whilst I have no doubt the kids will enjoy, he's had no say in, and if he said no, would upset the kids given they already know. I would have personally asked him first, and then the kids second, as that's would I would expect as a courtesy from my ex husband, as opposed to a message telling me it's all a done deal and to say no would make me look that the arsehole
But the DC wouldn’t have been with him anyway! They would be at after school club so he isn’t missing out on any time with them.
rrhuth · 01/12/2021 11:49

You should have checked with him first, it is just what you have to do when separated to keep everything on a calm and respectful footing.

Just apologise and smooth it over.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 01/12/2021 11:52

@SD1978

I'm a bit on the fence here. You've given absolutely no notice, knowing it's his day, and involved the kids before discussing it with him. You've invited him, on his day, to attend an event with you which whilst I have no doubt the kids will enjoy, he's had no say in, and if he said no, would upset the kids given they already know. I would have personally asked him first, and then the kids second, as that's would I would expect as a courtesy from my ex husband, as opposed to a message telling me it's all a done deal and to say no would make me look that the arsehole
Yeah!

What a bitch to make him have to adult!

And you didn't tread the OP fully. It isn't his day for a start!

Nothing will change for him other than rather than walking to school to pick up one kid then gong home with that child and the whole fgamilyhaving dinner together, he just walks to the house and has dinner.

The sad thing is that OP didn't think about it so he could get the afternoon off but as he works in the same place then he too could have thought about it and got himself sorted.

You only needed to read one sentence

Its my week this week and there is a winter festival where we both work

PRsecrets · 01/12/2021 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnotherLongDay · 01/12/2021 11:54

He’s being a big baby and pain in the arse. This is a minor thing and a treat for the kids ffs

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 01/12/2021 11:55

His contact time doesn’t start until 5pm, the DC will be home at 4:30pm so will still be available for his contact to start at 5. There is literally no issue.

Reallybadidea · 01/12/2021 11:59

So the only thing that he's missing out on is pick up from after school club?

I strongly suspect that he's cross on principle because of you changing plans rather than because he's actually missing out. Which is very slightly understandable, but the mature response would be "no problem, but please can you not make alternative plans in future without checking with me first in case I've also got something planned".

Original poster
Undecidedandtorn · 01/12/2021 13:27

@AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair

I don't quiet see the issue, is he missing out on time to see the children or simply the standing outside the school waiting for the child and going home bit?
He is missing pick up and the 10 minute walk home. He has exactly the same amount of time he would normally have.
OP posts:
SingItToWinIt · 01/12/2021 13:32

Seems ridiculous and an overreaction - he's just missing school pick up.

Who runs ASC op? Not a very attractive female by any chance is it?

Scarlettpixie · 01/12/2021 13:33

He is being ridiculous as he has the same amount of time with the kids. Ethe only thing changing was the meeting place!

Scarydinosaurs · 01/12/2021 13:40

He is being ridiculous. Offer to drop the kids at the school for 5 so he can walk them home if it’s that important to him.

Pettiness. His needs above his children. Ugh.

CloudyStorms · 01/12/2021 13:49

@PinkWednesdays

You unilaterally changed the plans. Appreciate it’s for the children but you still changed the plan. And he’s not exactly “kicking off” either. So yes, YABU.
I agree with this. He probably enjoys doing the school pick up and you just decided to change the plans and alter his contact without asking him. Yes it's only a minor change but it's still his time with the children you've changed. It's not on.
Temple29 · 01/12/2021 13:50

I think he’s overreacting to something that is just a once off. He still gets to pick your son up at 3 and he should be glad that the children get to go to the fair and have a good time. I think he would be within his rights to be annoyed if it was to accommodate something for you but it’s for the kids.

CloudyStorms · 01/12/2021 13:50

@LittleOwl153

Maybe its time to knock the shared dinners on the head and do your own thing.
I think this is a point too. You're seperated now.
Catquestion · 01/12/2021 13:58

He is being ridiculous. I understand him being mildly annoyed but he’s not actually missing out on any contact time with the children 🤦🏼‍♀️