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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be utterly overwhelmed.

90 replies

ChristmasClementines · 30/11/2021 20:21

A little but probably long backstory…

I am a married mum, I have a teenager who I had prior to this relationship and then the little ones with my husband. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and the past 5 have been completely like living with a friend rather than a relationship. We just got complacent I guess, a sleep depriving toddler led to separate beds and we never went back.

I have tried everything to try and add the sparkle back to the relationship and unfortunately it has been unsuccessful. Things really took a bad turn in lockdown 1 and never bounced back. We have both emotionally checked out.

About 6 weeks ago, we decided to separate due to lots of factors and agreed to live together until one of us could find suitable accommodation and we live completely separate lives taking turns to care for the children.

My eldest child’s father has been absent for the past 10 years after a messy court battle and he thought it would be best to let me move on with my life and stay out of our child’s life to cause minimal disruption.

To my shock, the father got in touch 3 weeks ago and wanted to become involved with my teenager, this is being done through all of the proper channels with professionals involved to make sure the situation is not too overwhelming for my teenager.

As the father and I cut contact abruptly, there were a lot of unanswered questions and we began to speak back and forth to catch up on the last 10 years I guess.

What I didn’t realise is the surpressed feelings I once had would come back out. This was mutual on both parts, we had both recently come out of unhappy relationships and found comfort in one another and realised that despite the hell we had once been through, we actually got on so well.

Obviously, given the fact my marriage has just ended - this isn’t an overnight thing - I know I cannot jump into a new relationship. I keep trying to ‘end things’ almost as a subconscious way to protect myself from being hurt but then pine for him when we don’t speak.

It is the most intense whirlwind that I’ve ever been in, and the emotional attachment is ridiculously strong. All I do is think about what life could be like with this person.

OP posts:

magicstars · 30/11/2021 20:24

Hmmm, I'm wondering why you broke up in the first instance? Surely you must've had some major incompatibility issues to cut contact between him & your Dd?
Sorry for the difficult time you're having op but I can't see this working out well for anyone.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 30/11/2021 20:27

Is it him youre pining for, or is it a man who is interested in you and is very familiar?

You went through a messy court battle last time, and he disappeared from your sons life for 10 years. What will happen this time around ig you pursue it?

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 30/11/2021 20:27

And why is he suddenly back? Whats his motivation?

Original poster

ChristmasClementines · 30/11/2021 20:28

He came back as he heard our eldest was having a bit of teenage trouble and could relate to himself that that age and thought it was time to come back into his life.

OP posts:

Justnotsureaboutit2021 · 30/11/2021 20:28

Sorry to be blunt but why on earth are you interested in rekindling anything with someone who ignored your child for 10 years? What kind of message is that sending to your child and why would you put yourself in a position with someone who has treated your child so badly. I think you are desperate and I say that in the gentlest way possible. It all sounds a bit rebound-ish tbh.

Darkpheonix · 30/11/2021 20:29

I am sorry you are having a hard time.

But have you really thought this through? This man has had nothing to do with his child for his whole life. Turns up, presumably to get in touch with his child but actually just starts romancing the mother.

He left his child. And now, instead of focusing on building a relationship with the child, is romancing you ?

I would imagine your child would feel that, that's the only reason he showed up again.

If he wasn't the father of your child would you normally date a man who didn't bother with his own child?

Original poster

ChristmasClementines · 30/11/2021 20:30

He is definitely interested in having a relationship with his child, that is paramount to him. He is even willing to have our child living with him once a relationship has been built.

OP posts:

ImInStealthMode · 30/11/2021 20:31

Just a point of view here from a former child whose Dad walked out and cut contact. I'd have absolutely lost my SHIT if he'd have wandered back in when I was in my teens and shacked up with my Mum again. Teenage troubles wouldn't have been the half of it.

Please don't do this to your DC.

Porfre · 30/11/2021 20:32

Sorry it sounds like trouble

I think you'll have fun for a few months. Then it'll end in heartbreak.

Try to protect your son in all this

Darkpheonix · 30/11/2021 20:32

@ChristmasClementines

He is definitely interested in having a relationship with his child, that is paramount to him. He is even willing to have our child living with him once a relationship has been built.

What? Why is he even planning something like that? Why would he say it knowing how badly he has let the child down?

Why would you trust that's the truth.

The relationship with the child isn't paramount. He has turned up because it now suits him and is spending time romancing you.

How long between separating from your husband, did this man get in touch?

ChubbyMorticia · 30/11/2021 20:34

The man abandoned his child.

How could you trust him in the future? Especially given that you have two more children in the mix? How would that make your teen feel, not only has the parent who vanished on him back now, but hey, is now going to be a present step-parent to younger siblings that he never was for them?

Add in that your current husband has no doubt heard a LOT of negative about your ex, would likely have justifiable concerns about his children being around this man, and potentially use that in court.

Original poster

ChristmasClementines · 30/11/2021 20:34

He is planning it as right now my son is living in a carehome due to the extremities of his behaviour and neither myself or his grandparents being able to cope.

OP posts:

Eleganz · 30/11/2021 20:34

This "new" relationship sounds like an utterly terrible idea OP. Bad timing, potential for huge and damaging fallout for your children, utterly the wrong person. I'm not sure there is more I can say really.

Original poster

ChristmasClementines · 30/11/2021 20:35

I think it was my fault he took a step back, we were so so young and we had a lot of parental conflict between the two sides so it was just easier for us to get on with our lives without each other.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChristmasClementines · 30/11/2021 20:36

And due to me being so awful when I was a young mum and the way things were handled he did struggle in his own life and ended up going to prison several times. Which I do feel guilty about of course as perhaps if I’d been a better mum back then it wouldn’t have happened. But this is another factor as to why it’s taken so long and he’s had a lot to sort out too. He is really lovely though.

OP posts:

Darkpheonix · 30/11/2021 20:37

@ChristmasClementines

He is planning it as right now my son is living in a carehome due to the extremities of his behaviour and neither myself or his grandparents being able to cope.

Oh and he will be able to? Just magically?

There's a huge risk he won't be able to and then let the child down again.

Also, if I had been with my Dp for years and raised his child together, while the bio mother fucked off and did her own thing and then me and dp split and he got back with the bio mother within a few weeks, I would be raging. I would feel that dp and the bio mother had proper taken the piss out of me.

TheNewSchmoo · 30/11/2021 20:38

Is this a joke?

Luredbyapomegranate · 30/11/2021 20:38

If he’s willing to take on a paternal role now, then it sounds like that is helpful.

However OP, having an absent father has presumably contributed to your child ending up in a care home. Surely you don’t want to start an affair with a man who abandoned your child?? And even if you do - it’s a sure fire way to screw up your screwed up kid further.

I have no idea what his motivations might be, but don’t trust him, step away, take a cold shower.. focus on getting your teen into a better place and sorting your life out post separation - and then sign up for OLD.

Original poster

ChristmasClementines · 30/11/2021 20:38

No, very much real life and quite surreal even to myself.

OP posts:

Darkpheonix · 30/11/2021 20:39

Its not your fault he decided to not see his child.

And who went to prison? The father? And that's your fault too?

Honestly, I think you need to be single for a while. I can't believe you are saying he is lovely.

Luredbyapomegranate · 30/11/2021 20:41

OP - it is not your fault he stepped away from his kid entirely.

But whatever his reasons might have been, starting an affair with him will screw up your kid further. Just don’t. Step away from the mess.

Original poster

ChristmasClementines · 30/11/2021 20:41

It is as obviously I didn’t want him to have contact so I tried to always contest it in court so that is definitely my fault. I accept my wrongdoings now and wrote an email to withdraw everything bad I have ever said as I felt so awful.

OP posts:

Darkpheonix · 30/11/2021 20:43

@ChristmasClementines

But he didn't have to just walk away.

My cousin was a young mum and did very similar things to her ex. He is still in the child's life. He hadn't ever cut contact.

My cousin equally feels bad now. But he didn't walk away.

That was his choice and at no point, did he try and get in contact sooner. Just appeared leading you all to believe that he will be the answer to all your problems.

BornInAThunderstorm · 30/11/2021 20:44

Your bar is so low it’s in the basement at this point

Weznn · 30/11/2021 20:46

You need to be alone. Your life is too chaotic and not good for your children. Take stock

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