To be utterly overwhelmed.

[ChristmasClementines]

A little but probably long backstory…

I am a married mum, I have a teenager who I had prior to this relationship and then the little ones with my husband. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and the past 5 have been completely like living with a friend rather than a relationship. We just got complacent I guess, a sleep depriving toddler led to separate beds and we never went back.

I have tried everything to try and add the sparkle back to the relationship and unfortunately it has been unsuccessful. Things really took a bad turn in lockdown 1 and never bounced back. We have both emotionally checked out.

About 6 weeks ago, we decided to separate due to lots of factors and agreed to live together until one of us could find suitable accommodation and we live completely separate lives taking turns to care for the children.

My eldest child’s father has been absent for the past 10 years after a messy court battle and he thought it would be best to let me move on with my life and stay out of our child’s life to cause minimal disruption.

To my shock, the father got in touch 3 weeks ago and wanted to become involved with my teenager, this is being done through all of the proper channels with professionals involved to make sure the situation is not too overwhelming for my teenager.

As the father and I cut contact abruptly, there were a lot of unanswered questions and we began to speak back and forth to catch up on the last 10 years I guess.

What I didn’t realise is the surpressed feelings I once had would come back out. This was mutual on both parts, we had both recently come out of unhappy relationships and found comfort in one another and realised that despite the hell we had once been through, we actually got on so well.

Obviously, given the fact my marriage has just ended - this isn’t an overnight thing - I know I cannot jump into a new relationship. I keep trying to ‘end things’ almost as a subconscious way to protect myself from being hurt but then pine for him when we don’t speak.

It is the most intense whirlwind that I’ve ever been in, and the emotional attachment is ridiculously strong. All I do is think about what life could be like with this person.

@Weznn

Well that escalated quickly

😂😂😂

@ChristmasClementines

Yep, you’re all right. I’m rubbish I already know.

Oh the dramatics! It's been what 6 weeks since you split with Dh, you've had 3 weeks of contact with the ex and already you've never been loved like this?

This isn't going to end well.

And the countdown till thread goes in a puff of 💨...

I'm not being nasty but maybe if I explain it in this way you'll understand why we all think it's a bad idea

So his main reason for return is to help your son who is very troubled.

But now there is this complication of your feelings.

His main focus should be your son. From what you've posted your son needs help.

Your romance even if it goes well may disrupt your sons recovery. And if it doesnt go well and your ex runs off again will make your sons feelings of abandonment much worse, and he'll likely deteriorate.

This romance doesnt have a good outcome. If you want to give your son the best chance of getting better leave his dad to focus solely on his son.

Give them time. If it goes well maybe after 18-24 months you could revisit the romance.

But the worse thing that could happen is- you get together, something goes wrong and your ex runs off again. And in the middle of this your son is destroyed.

Someone, please, tell me this isn’t real? This is so depressing.

On the off-chance it is real, OP, you do not need to be in a relationship with your ex-con ex-partner who thought nothing of abandoning his child for ten fucking years. A decade. A child who is now so troubled he has to live in care.

Gosh op. How's about you just hit those brakes big time and stay single for a while. Surely even you can see through your great want for love again that this is awful timing and highly irrational. Going into anything in this mind state is asking for disaster. You say you got with this ex young but regardless you were with each other for ten years which is plenty time to grow and become stronger. Instead it didnt work out, and im sure thats for a reason.

If your shared dc is going through something and that is why your ex re-entered the scene im sure the last thing your child is need is for all of this to somehow resurface. Give you and your children time to heal from this drastic life change.

Love will find you op. There is no need to rush this at the exspense of yourself and others.

Also i refuse to believe and struggke to understand how you are to blame for someone going into prison. But come on op you can do better than that

An ex-con OP.

Let your ex form a relationship with his son. That’s more important than you rekindling something with him

This. With the couple I knew of, they were planning for the son to meet his biological dad, who he'd never met. They met up to discuss it, had a passionate affair and ran away together, both leaving their partners and families.

They had an argument, all sorts of things were said and done; the man ended his own life. His son never got to meet him.

And due to me being so awful when I was a young mum and the way things were handled he did struggle in his own life and ended up going to prison several times. Which I do feel guilty about of course as perhaps if I’d been a better mum back then it wouldn’t have happened. But this is another factor as to why it’s taken so long and he’s had a lot to sort out too. He is really lovely though.

No way whatever kind of mum you were made him commit a crime OP. Therapy would help you realize you are not to blame. And he's not lovely.

It is as obviously I didn’t want him to have contact so I tried to always contest it in court so that is definitely my fault. I accept my wrongdoings now and wrote an email to withdraw everything bad I have ever said as I felt so awful.

It's not wrong that you didn't want this criminal low life around your LO. Maybe it should stay that way ideally. Time will tell- don't be afraid to intervene if he does anything you don't think is ok.

Intervene to try and stop the contact I mean. Maybe don't confront him directly if any issues arise, as he sounds dodgy as hell.

Eeeew. Imagine wanting to get involved with a loser who deserted his kid.
Raise your standards.

@donebeingitchy op has been with her husband who she left 6 weeks ago for 10 years.
She was never 'with' her first ds dad I don't think?

OP, please. Take a moment to breathe and think.

Cut all contact with him for 2 weeks. Tell him that's what you're doing. See if he can respect that.

When the 2 weeks is up, see if he gets in touch to talk about his son or to talk about your relationship. Whichever he does will tell you his priority. If it isn't his son, then he's not good enough.

In the meantime, take that 2 weeks to focus on your DS and your independence. Relish being single and having freedom to focus on what matters to you.

This man abandoned your child and didn't make any effort for 10 years, and you not only want to get back with him but also are making excuses to blame yourself for his abandonment and lack of effort?!