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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be utterly overwhelmed.

90 replies

ChristmasClementines · 30/11/2021 20:21

A little but probably long backstory…

I am a married mum, I have a teenager who I had prior to this relationship and then the little ones with my husband. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and the past 5 have been completely like living with a friend rather than a relationship. We just got complacent I guess, a sleep depriving toddler led to separate beds and we never went back.

I have tried everything to try and add the sparkle back to the relationship and unfortunately it has been unsuccessful. Things really took a bad turn in lockdown 1 and never bounced back. We have both emotionally checked out.

About 6 weeks ago, we decided to separate due to lots of factors and agreed to live together until one of us could find suitable accommodation and we live completely separate lives taking turns to care for the children.

My eldest child’s father has been absent for the past 10 years after a messy court battle and he thought it would be best to let me move on with my life and stay out of our child’s life to cause minimal disruption.

To my shock, the father got in touch 3 weeks ago and wanted to become involved with my teenager, this is being done through all of the proper channels with professionals involved to make sure the situation is not too overwhelming for my teenager.

As the father and I cut contact abruptly, there were a lot of unanswered questions and we began to speak back and forth to catch up on the last 10 years I guess.

What I didn’t realise is the surpressed feelings I once had would come back out. This was mutual on both parts, we had both recently come out of unhappy relationships and found comfort in one another and realised that despite the hell we had once been through, we actually got on so well.

Obviously, given the fact my marriage has just ended - this isn’t an overnight thing - I know I cannot jump into a new relationship. I keep trying to ‘end things’ almost as a subconscious way to protect myself from being hurt but then pine for him when we don’t speak.

It is the most intense whirlwind that I’ve ever been in, and the emotional attachment is ridiculously strong. All I do is think about what life could be like with this person.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 30/11/2021 21:06

I'm reminded of "Don't jump out of the frying pan into the fire". This is not the right time for a fling or rekindling old flames. . What you need now, is to sort out practical stuff like separate home, your finances, the younger childrens reaction to split.

Step back from your first ex. . Keep out of the way so (if they wish) your teen can make some relationship with their father with no complications. Let the dust settle after the end of your marriage.

authenticforgery · 30/11/2021 21:10

What a shitshow. No wonder the poor kid is messed up.

grapewine · 30/11/2021 21:10

It's OK to be alone. Sometimes it's even the healthiest option.

ChristmasClementines · 30/11/2021 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Weznn · 30/11/2021 21:13

Well that escalated quickly Confused

Darkpheonix · 30/11/2021 21:14

@ChristmasClementines

Fuck the lot of you. Judgmental bastards.
🤣🤣🤣
flashy44 · 30/11/2021 21:15

@ChristmasClementines

A little but probably long backstory…

I am a married mum, I have a teenager who I had prior to this relationship and then the little ones with my husband. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and the past 5 have been completely like living with a friend rather than a relationship. We just got complacent I guess, a sleep depriving toddler led to separate beds and we never went back.

I have tried everything to try and add the sparkle back to the relationship and unfortunately it has been unsuccessful. Things really took a bad turn in lockdown 1 and never bounced back. We have both emotionally checked out.

About 6 weeks ago, we decided to separate due to lots of factors and agreed to live together until one of us could find suitable accommodation and we live completely separate lives taking turns to care for the children.

My eldest child’s father has been absent for the past 10 years after a messy court battle and he thought it would be best to let me move on with my life and stay out of our child’s life to cause minimal disruption.

To my shock, the father got in touch 3 weeks ago and wanted to become involved with my teenager, this is being done through all of the proper channels with professionals involved to make sure the situation is not too overwhelming for my teenager.

As the father and I cut contact abruptly, there were a lot of unanswered questions and we began to speak back and forth to catch up on the last 10 years I guess.

What I didn’t realise is the surpressed feelings I once had would come back out. This was mutual on both parts, we had both recently come out of unhappy relationships and found comfort in one another and realised that despite the hell we had once been through, we actually got on so well.

Obviously, given the fact my marriage has just ended - this isn’t an overnight thing - I know I cannot jump into a new relationship. I keep trying to ‘end things’ almost as a subconscious way to protect myself from being hurt but then pine for him when we don’t speak.

It is the most intense whirlwind that I’ve ever been in, and the emotional attachment is ridiculously strong. All I do is think about what life could be like with this person.

Dont go there,your ex is your ex for a reason,go forwards not back
Pursefirst · 30/11/2021 21:15

@ChristmasClementines

Fuck the lot of you. Judgmental bastards.
I feel sorry for the kids tbh
Skyll · 30/11/2021 21:16

I am sorry you are so unhappy.

You need to take time to be on your own before you start any new relationship and concentrate on your child who really needs your support and input.

Your ex being in prison was not your fault. He had agency and has agency over his own life.

blissfulllife · 30/11/2021 21:16

Have you come on here to get acceptance of this situation? Your focus should be on your child/family and on that alone!

2bazookas · 30/11/2021 21:16

@ChristmasClementines

He is definitely interested in having a relationship with his child, that is paramount to him. He is even willing to have our child living with him once a relationship has been built.
He should not be the prime mover in this issue; YOUR TEEN 's opinion and feelings should come first second and third. 
 Can't you see, this is what happened before? HE decided what HE wanted and rode roughshod of the needs of his child and you.   HE decided it was "best " to cut contact  and  not see/ignore  the kid for 10 years.

Now he''s calling the shots all over again with HIS wishes and HIS PLANS. Sweet-talking you to get his way again.

You must protect your teenager from their dad making a terrible hash of their life all over again.

Original poster
ChristmasClementines · 30/11/2021 21:16

Yep, you’re all right. I’m rubbish I already know.

OP posts:
blissfulllife · 30/11/2021 21:16

@Levithian

This is about what is right for YOU and not your son. Imagine his life right now. Living in care after being abandoned by his father in infancy, and then his mother gets back with the man who felt that his child wasn't worth fighting for. Every time you make an excuse for the abandonment of your child, you're letting him down and causing him pain.
This
Bluntness100 · 30/11/2021 21:18

What an absolute car crash.

Pursefirst · 30/11/2021 21:18

@ChristmasClementines

Yep, you’re all right. I’m rubbish I already know.
No OP, you aren't rubbish.

The fact you've stopped to think about whether this is a good idea shows that you aren't rubbish. Just maybe tap the brakes on revisiting this relationship for the sake of your DS.

courtshoe · 30/11/2021 21:20

Omg! This is just dreadful. So many issues. So many problems. An absent father who abandoned his troubled child for ten years, an recent breakup, a troubled child, a vulnerable OP.

Look after yourself. Do NOT get manipulated into having a relationship with this guy who has crawled out of the woodwork.

Take it really slow and with massive caution re the father building bridges with his son.

Take a step back. So worrying.

Weznn · 30/11/2021 21:20

You aren’t rubbish, don’t be dramatic. Just make some healthy choices which are good for you and your children and all will be fine.

likepeddlesonabeach · 30/11/2021 21:22

You’re not rubbish, you’re lonely and bored and tempted but your instincts are still telling you this is not a good idea for you or for your children. See the temptation to indulge in a feel good reconciliation for what it is, a temporary high that will lead to trauma and upheaval for all of you. You’re not 16 now and you seem to know what you need to do.

blissfulllife · 30/11/2021 21:22

@ChristmasClementines

Yep, you’re all right. I’m rubbish I already know.
No op. You just need to take a step back and understand your priorities. You deep down know who/what should come first.

I've worked with so many troubled teenagers who just wanted a close understanding relationship with their resident parent. To feel safe and accepted. To know they come first. That's all that's important right now

Weznn · 30/11/2021 21:23

Also you are vulnerable right now so don’t take any decisions. Keep your distance from this man, he was a useless father to your son and don’t let him back in your life.

Bluntness100 · 30/11/2021 21:25

How many kids do you have, how old is the oldest who is in care? And is it your ex who is the ex con?

And now he’s come back to try to help your son and instead you’re trying to get in there and get with him?

me4real · 30/11/2021 21:26

^I keep trying to ‘end things’ almost as a subconscious way to protect myself from being hurt but then pine for him when we don’t speak.

It is the most intense whirlwind that I’ve ever been in, and the emotional attachment is ridiculously strong. All I do is think about what life could be like with this person.^

@ChristmasClementines I don't think you're being unreasonable as such, you can't 100% help whatever you feel, but you can help how you respond to it.

This sort of thing can end really, really badly. If people split up there's usually a reason. I've known of going back to an ex/DC's absent dad ending in suicide of one of the individuals.

Keep a list for yourself of all the hurtful things he said and did, that you can recall.

He didn't even bother with his own child. Shock (And yes, he could've tried to some extent. Most parents would.

I don't think you're rubbish at all, we can all get in a fug when it comes to men. Try and see past that rosy haze to see what he is and was really like. And keep looking at that, see through the trance.

I'm pretty sure whatever happened or not happened with his dad hasn't helped your DS's health BTW.

GreenLunchBox · 30/11/2021 21:33

@ChristmasClementines

Yep, you’re all right. I’m rubbish I already know.
You're not rubbish but please don't get back with your ex. It's the absolute worst thing you can do for your child.
Livelovebehappy · 30/11/2021 21:34

Let your ex form a relationship with his son. That’s more important than you rekindling something with him. Your son’s in care, and probably feels failed by you, and also feels failed by his df, and then whilst in care finds out you and df are back living together. Can you even imagine how he would feel? Time to put your son first OP.

KnightError · 30/11/2021 21:34

@Justnotsureaboutit2021

Sorry to be blunt but why on earth are you interested in rekindling anything with someone who ignored your child for 10 years? What kind of message is that sending to your child and why would you put yourself in a position with someone who has treated your child so badly. I think you are desperate and I say that in the gentlest way possible. It all sounds a bit rebound-ish tbh.
This.
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