To be so upset that I can’t have a career

[Jinnybean]

Iv been bank staff at my ideal job for 2 years now. It’s been ideal because I work around my husbands shifts. He earns good money and is the main earner. Sometimes I can pick up shifts and sometimes there isn’t anything.

I work with adult with learning disabilities in supported living and absolutely love it. It’s my dream job. the shifts are sleep ins - 4pm until 10am.

Iv been offered to become contracted, which would be amazing. It’s a £1 extra and obviously pension/holiday pay. It would be 3 night shifts a week.

I really really want it. But I’m not sure it works with my husbands shifts. He works 12 hour days or nights but does 14 a month.

Work said they might have abit of wiggle room.

It’s like on week 1 I can’t do Monday - weds but I can do the rest of the days.

Obviously work knows this as Iv been there 2 years. Next month I have 160 hours Iv managed to book.
They said they can put me through an NVQ.

I will be absolutely gutted if I can’t get it. Im hoping we can work something out but if not I could cry. My whole career is on hold because of his shifts. It’s not bloody fair.

Surely this is something that needs discussing with your bosses. Only they can give you the ok to be employed knowing your shift availability will be more limited. Not really your husbands fault.

It’s not his fault?! Talk to them and find a way to make it work. He’s doing his job. You’ve been doing his. He’s hardly intentionally screwing you over is he.

Instead of planning to cry why not be as practical as possible and try to get it sorted.

Your approach to this is very odd.

I expect there is a way to make it work. Maybe you can have a part-time contract and also continue to work bank on top when you are able?

This isn’t really your husbands fault. Your attitude to this is really weird.
Just talk to them?

Why can’t you work if your husband isn’t/is working? I don’t understand.

I’m assuming there’s a child? Have I missed something? I’m not well and not firing on all cylinders. 😬

I think you are missing some details here.
Why can't you work at the same times? Transport, childcare or other?

My husband is you and I'm your husband in this situation. I work 3 12 hour nights a week, I'm the higher earner so my job does take priority.

He does have a contracted job for 16 hours a week, his work are brilliant and work around my rota and he picks up extra hours as overtime. I'd give your potential new job a suggested 2 week rota for your husband of what it could look like and see if they could be open to fitting you in around his shifts if they had enough notice.

Your career is not on hold because of your husband's shifts. Do you have caring commitments? If that's why you need to work around each other, your/his workplace need to give more flexibility.

@AnneLovesGilbert

It’s not his fault?! Talk to them and find a way to make it work. He’s doing his job. You’ve been doing his. He’s hardly intentionally screwing you over is he.

Instead of planning to cry why not be as practical as possible and try to get it sorted.

Your approach to this is very odd.

That's so unfair and so sexist imo.

Like most couples, it seems to be that the woman's job is one to be fitted in around the man's "real" job.

The ops dh isn't on here wondering whether he can change his shift pattern so she can work...it's al on her to fit around him.

Op...you have my sympathy...I hope you can do it somehow.

Do you have kids and basically his night shifts pay more than your night shifts? And you need his money, so you feel it’s unfair?

Is it because your DH does a rotating shift pattern like 4 days on 4 days off, so he doesn't work the same days each week?

Is there any possibility he can ask to move to a fixed pattern, so you can take this job?

Unless his employers are complete dinosaurs, he can't be the first person to want fixed hours to fit in with a partner's shift pattern.

Like most couples, it seems to be that the woman's job is one to be fitted in around the man's "real" job.

Nonsense, in most families it’s round the higher earner and in my family that was me, and in plenty of other families it’s the woman.

I am also not understanding why you can’t work when your DH is also working? If there are DC and no night child care, then why does your career have to be only sleep in shifts or his have to include night shifts? The best thing surely is to flex around each other.

@Bluntness100

Like most couples, it seems to be that the woman's job is one to be fitted in around the man's "real" job.

Nonsense, in most families it’s round the higher earner and in my family that was me, and in plenty of other families it’s the woman.

In some families, the woman is the higher earner but it's more common for the man to be the higher earner for various reasons

I’m assuming reason you can’t both work same night shift is you have a child? How old are they?
How far in advance are shifts for you both planned. You can speak to your company - can they schedule around him or vice versa. If he’s on days then pay babysitter until he gets home for 4-8pm slot. If you are both on nights - can a family member have child or child sleep at a friends.

We have 3 Dc so both can’t be doing night shift.

His night shift earns him 3x the amount I earn.

I appreciate him working hard but I’m so bored of being stuck and home and feeling useless :(

I’m hoping work will have some leeway. They are amazing and I absolutely love it there.

Isn't there the option for...
Set shifts for both of you, so that one of you is always at home overnight.
Or paying an overnight babysitter? One of my colleagues is a single mum and does this.
Or staying on the bank until the kids are old enough to be left alone overnight, and getting a day time job somewhere else? It's not like there is a shortage of care jobs, though I understand that a lot of them are not nice jobs. What about looking for a special needs teaching assistant or something?

sorry to sound heartless, but if you have decided to work entirely around your husband's shifts then the decision to not focus on your career has been made by you. A lot of us do this, put husband's work first to juggle child care, but it is at the expense of our own careers. Then he starts to earn more and the decision to put his work first becomes the obvious one to make. You sound as though you think this a weird unfortunate position you've found yourself in, but this is where the gender pay gap comes from.

Don't give up OP. Have some discussions with OH and work, and figure out plan A, plan B, plan C.

I think you need to talk to the manager at the care home , if you have been there 2 years you should know the manager well enough to have a work related frank discussion confidently
As bank staff I would want to know the following
I would want to know why you are not getting the same per hour as the lowest member of the team
Why you are not getting holiday pay
Why you are not being encouraged to be doing your NVQ
I work bank and have done for a while and all the above points are met . Really the only difference should be is that you are being given a contracted number of hours rather than a zero hours contract , you should still have a contract as a bank staff just zero hours
With the staff shortages in care you could ask for extra daytime hours whilst the kids are at school I'm sure there must be plenty available

How are his shifts set? Has he any facility to request shifts. Just because he’s never had to before doesn’t mean he can’t.

Surely there’s a way around this?

Even if your husband can’t’ or won’t change his shifts.

Is there no one who would voluntarily look after your children overnight, once or twice a week?

Would it be impossible to pay a childminder? Obviously this would cut into your combined wages but building up your own career is important.

When both parents work, you pay for childcare. It's going to be tricky to find the hours you need but probably not impossible.

How often is the clash likely to happen? How old are your kids? In your situation, I would book a babysitter and just take the financial hit for the time you clash.

would DH like to be a SAHD?