To be so upset that I can’t have a career

[Jinnybean]

Iv been bank staff at my ideal job for 2 years now. It’s been ideal because I work around my husbands shifts. He earns good money and is the main earner. Sometimes I can pick up shifts and sometimes there isn’t anything.

I work with adult with learning disabilities in supported living and absolutely love it. It’s my dream job. the shifts are sleep ins - 4pm until 10am.

Iv been offered to become contracted, which would be amazing. It’s a £1 extra and obviously pension/holiday pay. It would be 3 night shifts a week.

I really really want it. But I’m not sure it works with my husbands shifts. He works 12 hour days or nights but does 14 a month.

Work said they might have abit of wiggle room.

It’s like on week 1 I can’t do Monday - weds but I can do the rest of the days.

Obviously work knows this as Iv been there 2 years. Next month I have 160 hours Iv managed to book.
They said they can put me through an NVQ.

I will be absolutely gutted if I can’t get it. Im hoping we can work something out but if not I could cry. My whole career is on hold because of his shifts. It’s not bloody fair.

Talk to your employer, make it clear that you are really wanting this and be open with them about how it would have to work to cover your child care. Someone who does this kind of role, loves it and wants to progress and has good knowledge of the company is someone they don't want to lose!

Can you both compromise.

My wife and I both work in jobs that have involved shifts (police officer and nurse).

We both put in FWPs that involved a degree of compromise so that we could both continue to work and progress. So mine said for example that on Monday and Tuesday I could only work early shifts, and she did late shifts on those days. We worked it so we weren’t both in the same weekends. Because we both asked our employers to be flexible, rather than expecting her to fit round me (I earn more), both were agreeable. It worked for a good few years. Now we are both in roles that are mainly mon-Friday and office hours, although she does some late clinics, and I have to do a couple of sets of night shifts a year, so it’s not an issue, but we made it work while we had to. Both of us achieved promotions while on FWPs.

Why can't your husband take a step back for a while? I understand he makes more but that's because you've enabled him to do so. Is it not your turn now? Life's too short to put yourself second.

That is a really unrealistic suggestion, when his salary maintains their lives at a particular level. Unfortunately it also means the OP is in a weaker bargaining position, even though it’s crucial that she builds a career of her own.

I do shake my head at people who don’t see the investment benefit of paying for childcare, even when it wipes out a huge chunk of family money. I can still clearly remember being handed over to the childminder when my parents were both training for their professions. The idea that my mother might have had to give up her career is … inconceivable.

To be honest, good reliable care staff are like golddust right now. If i was your employer I’d bend over backwards to accommodate someone like you. Just tell them what youve told us and see what they say.
How old are your kids?

My children are 14, 12 and 5.

I do shake my head at people who don’t see the investment benefit of paying for childcare

The thing is they type of childcare the op needs is like looking for a needle in a haystack!

14,12 and 5. Are the older ones mature/sensible? There’s no legal minimum age to leave a child overnight. If it’s only occasionally your older 2 may be ok overnight. Then just see if a family member or friend would take little one.
Same if husband on days and you need to start at 4pm, 14 year old could pick 5 yr old up from school aftercare at 6pm and give them easy tea and watch tv until dad gets in at 8pm. Don’t give up op.

Why?

There must be countless reliable students willing to babysit (that is, sleep) overnight at the OP’s house maybe a couple of nights a week. And possibly get the children to school.

Is it really more complicated than that?

@LiterallyKnowsBest

Why?

There must be countless reliable students willing to babysit (that is, sleep) overnight at the OP’s house maybe a couple of nights a week. And possibly get the children to school.

Is it really more complicated than that?

Two nights a week every week...no I don't think there's countless students available and willing to do that...nor do I have any idea how you would vet them? This isn't the 1970s where you can pull any old random off the street to babysit

No unvetted randoms suggested. But it would surely be worth their time to find someone.

(In my world childcare, either from extended family or paid for) is normal, so perhaps I’m less sensitive to barriers.

That ‘)’ is in the wrong place …

I just wanted to say that as bank staff you should still get holiday pay.

Just accept it and make it work. You are entitled to work. Plus ssooooooo many women end up lacking skills or money after a marital breakdown late in the day.

Can he alter his work? If it’s your dream job you should go for it.

Do you have children? Can any trusted family members help you with childcare?

Having the pension is absolutely worth it- go for it if you can.

Honestly it sounds like you’re giving up without trying. You will have to get creative and there may have to be some flexibility, but sounds like the job is willing to explore options, why can’t you?

I feel your pain OP. My DH has moved from an office job working 8-4 to a rolling shift pattern ( 2 earlies, 2 lates, 2 nights). It’s lucky I’m well established in my career and can work from home at times to cover childcare ( it’s a PITA for any socialising / hobby I want to do too) In our case he is the only person at his level on shift so wouldn’t be able to submit a flexible working pattern but it may be that your OH could. My experience is that men often won’t apply for these on the assumption it will be refused.
On the matter of the 14 year old looking after the younger 2 - there’s not a hope in hell that this would be considered appropriate. I’m doubtful if it would considered even appropriate after school til 8pm but certainly not overnight. The fact there is no law that states a minimum age does not mean anything goes. I think the NSPCC guidelines are that no one under the age of 16 should having caring responsibility for younger children. There are childminders who cover overnight but I think at their home. Is there a grandparent or other relative who could help at all?

You're going to need paid childcare to make it work. But it could be worth it, even if it consumes pretty much your entire salary, especially if it leads to future career growth and increases your pension.

There must be countless reliable students willing to babysit (that is, sleep) overnight at the OP’s house maybe a couple of nights a week. And possibly get the children to school.

Is it really more complicated than that?

I don't think that's necessarily always the case. We have no idea of the Op's whereabouts for a start. Like me, she might live in the thick of the Yorkshire Dales, light years away from the nearest student - let alone "countless" ones willing to commit to a flexi shift pattern, bedtime routines, the school run, etc.
Is this a normal thing in the cities?

I wouldn’t leave 5 yr old overnight with teen but nspcc is just guidance. 14 and 15 years olds do babysit. I used to go past a local school where numerous teens collected younger siblings (the adjacent secondary finished slightly earlier to allow this)
I’d consider it as it’s not day in day out just if occasionally clash of shifts.
Obviously depends on child maturity/personality and your home set up eg are there friendly neighbours they could call on in emergency.

No reason you can't both make a flexible working request.

Dp and I worked around each other and it worked pretty well.

Is there a grandparent who could provide childcare on the occasions the shifts overlap? I mean it's not really childcare if it's overnight; it's just an adult in the house in case something goes wrong. They wouldn't be sitting up all night.

I'm a woman and I've always been the primary breadwinner. In our family (and I think in most) the job that earns the most money is the one that's catered to. My husband earns 1/3 of what I do, if someone needs to take a step back from work, it won't be me. It doesn't have to do with our sexes, it's too do with what it's our family in a better financial situation.

@MadeItOut21

Why can't your husband take a step back for a while? I understand he makes more but that's because you've enabled him to do so. Is it not your turn now? Life's too short to put yourself second.

If OP enjoys the type of work she currently does in supported living, then there's very little scope for "career development" unfortunately. Certainly , if her DHs night shifts are worth 3x her own, that's never likely to change significantly, even if he does take a step back.

Speak to your boss. Kindly, it's pointless saying you can't have a career until you've spoken to them.

If your husband's employer uses a continental shift pattern, they are unlikely to make an exception for one employee. I work in HR and I would firstly urge you both to look at the long term health effects on your husband. These shift patterns are literally killers. I'm not exaggerating, there are many studies on this. DP spent years in such an industry and I'm frankly shocked at how many funerals he goes to for ex-colleagues in their 60s. He will never do those shifts again.

If your husband could change his job to one with regular shifts it would not only be better for his physical and mental health, it would also make it easier for you to work more, which would mitigate any financial hit.