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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Satisfaction at ex husband suffering

122 replies

ddotty · 30/11/2021 15:47

To feel a kind of satisfaction that everything in the garden is now incredibly un-rosy for my STBXH? Funny how visiting prostitutes loses its appeal once you don't have a wife. Just makes you a sad loser instead. Part of me feels sorry for him.

OP posts:
uneffingbelievable · 30/11/2021 19:54

OP totally get where you are coming from.

Anyone who has been cheated on understands - 10 yrs down the line - my OH is v lonely, on his own and regrets his decisions - a little bit of me feels sad for him - I married him for a reason and he is still the father of my DCS - but the other half says - tought shit mate - your party!

Likewise the OW- was charmed for many years and now is up shit creek. Again sad for her DCs who i knew v well but really tough shit darling you reap what you sew.

I have moved on - new DP and v happy but watching the fall out even now makes me smile!

beastlyslumber · 30/11/2021 20:02

love that @SapphireSeptember! And I will call her Taylor Swifty from now on Grin

Crystalvas · 30/11/2021 20:07

I can totally get how it would be satisfactory to see someone someone get whats comming to them if that’v caused so much pain.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 30/11/2021 20:08

@S2617

What’s sadder is you sit on MN and post about someone else’s sadness.

Perhaps time to grow up a bit?

Ex husband??? Grin
DontBeCatty · 30/11/2021 20:09

I hope you didn’t have kids with him. If so then I wouldn’t be feeling happy at him being a saddo.

ddotty · 30/11/2021 20:13

@Ponoka7

He might not need to use prostitutes because he can now openly have sex with other people. Was it just one small time period three years before you split? You make it sound as though it was a regular thing until you split. I'd concentrate on recovering and as said if any children, it won't be good for them if either of you aren't moving on successfully.
Nope. He's not having sex with other people at the moment. And nope not a small time period. As far back as 2009 for sure but probably before that. Of course it wasn't a regular thing until we split because the pandemic came along.

Regarding the 'indifference' I am supposed to feel. This isn't just about me. I'm thinking of all the other married women who experience this and go through hell, trying to rebuild their self-esteem and their lives, along with any children who also suffer the shame and humiliation of knowing their father not only hurt their mother but also is the type of man who views women as objects. Imagine being the daughter of such a man. It's utterly horrendous.

And thinking of all those 'girls' (this is how he refers to them in his reviews) who go into prostitution because they have no other options in life. Particularly those young Romanians who get moved around the UK by the gangs who earn thousands each week just because men like my STBXH are prepared to pay to have sex with young women. What happens to these women when they pass their sell-by date?

The consequence of him visiting prostitutes are wide and far-reaching and I for one thank karma for any suffering he must now experience because it is nothing compared to the suffering he has caused.

OP posts:
Sugarplumfairy65 · 30/11/2021 20:15

Apparently my ex husband has gone blind. At least he won't be able to see his new wife to beat her.

cabingirl · 30/11/2021 20:16

Avenue Q said it best:

Right now you are down and out and feeling really cr*ppy

(I'll say.)

And when I see how sad you are
It sort of makes me...
Happy!

Sorry, Nicky, human nature-
Nothing I can do!
It's...

Schadenfreude!

Making me feel glad that I'm not you.

Applesonthelawn · 30/11/2021 20:28

I think you should relish it on an anonymous forum such as this one. In real life it pays to take the high ground. But yes, anonymously, enjoy.

DillDanding · 30/11/2021 20:31

I wish people wouldn't say karma when they mean schadenfreude.

It's actually bad karma to delight in someone else's misfortune.

Notmoresugar · 30/11/2021 20:31

Enjoy, it was always just a matter of time.

me4real · 30/11/2021 20:36

Do you know any magick that stops a person from spending their life acquiring enemies and wanker exes? Wouldn't that class as getting rid of bad luck?

@DrSbaitso I like to think it's called therapy, EMDR, and the Freedom Programme. Smile

Signalstation · 30/11/2021 20:40

@DillDanding

I wish people wouldn't say karma when they mean schadenfreude.

It's actually bad karma to delight in someone else's misfortune.

Everything is karma. Only the enlightened do not create karma.
prawntoastie · 30/11/2021 20:42

Karma is good

Lovelymincepies · 30/11/2021 20:47

Well said OP

DrSbaitso · 30/11/2021 20:47

@me4real

Do you know any magick that stops a person from spending their life acquiring enemies and wanker exes? Wouldn't that class as getting rid of bad luck?

@DrSbaitso I like to think it's called therapy, EMDR, and the Freedom Programme. Smile

Are you sure you're doing it right?
me4real · 30/11/2021 20:51

Regarding the 'indifference' I am supposed to feel. This isn't just about me. I'm thinking of all the other married women who experience this and go through hell, trying to rebuild their self-esteem and their lives, along with any children who also suffer the shame and humiliation of knowing their father not only hurt their mother but also is the type of man who views women as objects. Imagine being the daughter of such a man. It's utterly horrendous.

And thinking of all those 'girls' (this is how he refers to them in his reviews) who go into prostitution because they have no other options in life. Particularly those young Romanians who get moved around the UK by the gangs who earn thousands each week just because men like my STBXH are prepared to pay to have sex with young women. What happens to these women when they pass their sell-by date?

The consequence of him visiting prostitutes are wide and far-reaching and I for one thank karma for any suffering he must now experience because it is nothing compared to the suffering he has caused.

Yep, I think some things are impossible to forgive or feel indifferent about, at least depending on an individual's nature. Some things we shouldn't be indifferent about, like those who are violent towards us or other women.

We could have EMDR or other therapy to stop the intensity of the sting of what happened for our own comfort. But some people I'll still hope will...well I don't want to get my post deleted lol.

It's actually bad karma to delight in someone else's misfortune.

@DillDanding Karma doesn't exist, or the massive numbers of men who commit violence and get away with it wouldn't happen. And it's not bad to think thoughts, and doesn't incur any punishment (though people could seek therapy if they are in excessive discomfort, for their own happiness.)

It's not a good thing to say something bad might happen to victims if they're angry at their abusers. That's completely natural and healthy, not being angry (at least for a while) when you've been abused can be unhealthy and lead to it turning inwards as depression and self-harm etc. Wishing ones abuser was struck down for the pain and trauma they inflicted is fairly normal and natural, at least for a while. And everyone's different. The gods aren't going to inflict karma on us for wrongthink against those that hurt us.

DrSbaitso · 30/11/2021 20:55

Karma isn't the idea that good things happen to good people, bad things happen to bad people and life is fair.

It's a nuanced concept, but in essence it really just means that your actions now will shape your future. And while a person who's horrible to everyone might not immediately get their comeuppance, long term it's quite likely they'll piss off the wrong person and then have no supporters when they need them.

CheekyHobson · 30/11/2021 20:58

@S2617

What’s sadder is you sit on MN and post about someone else’s sadness.

Perhaps time to grow up a bit?

Hmm.... is there someone who are you fucking over/have fucked over in your life (but can't admit it) so you deal with it by coming on and being sanctimonious about someone feeling a normal sense of gratification that someone is experiencing the consequences of their harmful behaviours?

Alternatively, is there someone who fucked you over and you're dealing with it by ignoring your own feelings and pretending it doesn't matter to you when it really does?

me4real · 30/11/2021 21:02

@DrSbaitso Everyone's different and have had different experiences, often not (entirely) as a result of stuff they did 'wrong,'- you must know that.

For instance a friend of mine happened to go to the wrong dentist, who abused numerous women and eventually was convicted. I wouldn't blame her if she wished he would hurry up and die, or any of her abusers.

Another woman was abused as a child which traumatised her, and saw her abuser go on to live a cushy life. Of course it wasn't pleasant for her to see him get away with it with no negative consequences, when it'd had such an impact on her.

Anger is normal/natural, women can benefit from finding this emotion which is fairly taboo for us to have. It's how we know when someone's not treating us well, and can get us out of all sorts of sticky situations.

I've definitely learned to draw the line more quickly, see the red flags in order to protect myself

And I don't dwell on what they did overly much- if I hear that something unpleasant has happened to them it's just a bonus. Smile

LitCrit · 30/11/2021 21:03

So well said OP - it's not just about his betrayal of you, it's about the kind of man he is and the damage he causes to .. well, all women, really, through the misogyny of his values.

PS. You can bet that those Romanian women are coerced, in one way or another.

MultiStorey · 30/11/2021 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrSbaitso · 30/11/2021 21:19

Everyone's different and have had different experiences, often not (entirely) as a result of stuff they did 'wrong,'- you must know that.

Of course I do.

But in my experience, if someone keeps on making numerous enemies and collecting twat exes, and doesn't expect this to change, they're doing something to keep drawing in these awful people and horrible relationships. It's rather different to being, say, the victim of a sex offender.

But magick could sort this out?

PizzaCrust · 30/11/2021 21:34

Fuck that moral high ground shite.

If he was a dick and things aren’t great for him now, great. Have a giggle at him and feel smug. He had it coming.

Obviously I wouldn’t rejoice every day for the next 50 years (purely because you don’t want him to ruin your future) but you’re allowed to gloat for a month or two and enjoy it.

FanGirlX · 30/11/2021 23:40

@Steelesauce

Karma has really done its job on my ex too and I love it Grin tbh my friend said she would never cross me because seemingly very bad things have happened to people who have!
I'm still waiting for Karma to bite my ex in the arse. I seem to be the one that can't get out of the shit he left me in.