To think some people are just destined to be losers?

[Avocadodiary]

I feel like I am!
It doesn’t matter what I do it’s like I will never shake off being horribly unpopular and bullied at school. That’s my identity. I’m a failure and a loser.
I never have anything interesting to say. I don’t have any friends. I have a dead-end low paid job with no prospects and I can’t even do that. Every morning I get up and know it’s another day of failure.
I want to give up.
When I was very small - pre aged 13 when I was bullied for several years - I didn’t feel like this. It’s like since then I was tarnished and now I wish I was anyone but me.
Some people just seem to sail through - I know everyone has problems - but they seem to be valued by others, they seem to have some enjoyment and hope from life.
I had a good start with a settled family, reasonably well off, and I didn’t start out as stupid but I’ve never achieved anything and if I fell off the face of the planet no one would even notice.
I’m at the point where I’m so horrified by myself that I’ve started to throw my personal belongings away. I don’t even want to look at them. It’s hard to live 24/7 with someone you hate.

God OP those bullies did a number on you, it sounds like your self esteem is through the floor, no wonder you're so unhappy. I'm wondering though if there's any chance you may have ASD, your story would resonate with a lot of people with ASD I think - unpopular, bullied, always struggling to make friends, struggling with low paid jobs despite being fairly intelligent. I might be way off the mark, just your friendship struggles since secondary school (when ASD often becomes more obvious) made me wonder. The other possibility is depression, you sound really depressed OP, have you considered that?
I think you need to start valuing yourself and going a bit easier on yourself. What would you like to do? Can you start working towards some qualifications if that is what is holding you back? Sounds like you need some fun too! What do you enjoy doing or what would you like to try? Can you think of a few little things and find ways to do them?

Oh gosh that is your tiny bullied self talking. you are amazing. I don't have a job, so you're doing better than I am.
I couldn't read and run.
feel better
x

I can relate to this so well. The only advice I can offer is to do some volunteer work. You just might be one of those people who gets a natural ‘high’ from helping others. There’s so much need in the world and so many ways to help. I’ve just received information about being a volunteer mentor for a charity called Children Seen and Heard, and I’m seriously considering it.

I was ‘popular’ at primary school but went to a secondary school where I didn’t know many people and they were much more streetwise. I was like a lamb to the slaughter. I spent three years being bullied relentlessly so there must be something wrong with me, I was an easy target and pathetic.
I don’t think I have ASD, I can make friends, I just feel like I’m worthless and as though they don’t really want to spend time with me. I’m not a good fit anywhere and that’s how I’ve felt since secondary school really, which is ridiculous as I left 20 years ago!
I’m still embarrassed to tell anyone what happened because I think people already view me as lesser and I don’t want to add fuel to the fire.

No, I think some people always believe they are losers to the point where it totally debilitates them and they can’t see any point in trying to do anything new or different and so it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

I also think a good counsellor is worth their weight in gold.

@Avocadodiary

I was ‘popular’ at primary school but went to a secondary school where I didn’t know many people and they were much more streetwise. I was like a lamb to the slaughter. I spent three years being bullied relentlessly so there must be something wrong with me, I was an easy target and pathetic. I don’t think I have ASD, I can make friends, I just feel like I’m worthless and as though they don’t really want to spend time with me. I’m not a good fit anywhere and that’s how I’ve felt since secondary school really, which is ridiculous as I left 20 years ago! I’m still embarrassed to tell anyone what happened because I think people already view me as lesser and I don’t want to add fuel to the fire.

Bullies should be fucking ashamed of themselves. How DARE they do this to a child. Just look at what they have done.

OP, come on. You went through an absolutely hellish time at the hands of awful bullies (and there will be bullies doing it to other young kids just like you just now); don't give them anymore. Take back control.

Enough is enough. Time to start being kind to yourself and turn things around.

Today can be a whole new start.

What can you do? Who can you speak to for some help? Start with your GP maybe?

Be kind to yourself XxX

If you think you're a loser, then you'll be one. If you think you're amazing (and deeply feel confident and content) then you shine that and it permeates into everything, better relationships, better jobs etc.

If you want to turn it around, sounds like probably therapy is best?

I’d be too embarrassed to tell a therapist.
I feel like they’d be sat there thinking - well yes, of course they were horrible to you, you’re pathetic.

I remember they used to tell me to kill myself and that everyone would be happier if I were dead. They used to say they didn’t want to be near me in case they accidentally breathed the same air as me and I was so disgusting. They’d say my parents must be horrified I was their daughter and must wish I’d die in a horrible accident.

These were 12 year old girls! It did go on for three years though. There was a group of four of them.

I feel like they were right. Still. In my late 30s. I hear them all the time.

would you talk to me like that? I'm sure you wouldn't - so you'd be kinder to a stranger on the internet than you would be to yourself. Give yourself a break. Don't hang on to how a bunch of stupid kids made you feel 20 years ago. I think a visit to the GP is worth a go, try taking something to lift your spirits, and get into better habits about how you treat yourself.

Those girls sound really nasty.

You aren't pathetic

I wouldn’t talk to anyone like that.
I barely even felt like a human for those years though and it’s never left me. I always put what I want and how I feel about things last because I feel like I’m barely even worth the space I take up.

You are absolutely not a failure!! Far harder to stick out a crap job you hate than to be Jeff Bezos and do whatever the hell you like with billions in the bank.

Your self esteem is very very very low. I really think some counselling or a CBT course would really help you. The silver lining is that your self esteem is all in your head- it’s not a ‘real’ thing & it can be changed! You have tolerated some awful awful behaviour from people who are absolutely shit people. The negative narrative you have in your head about yourself is not the truth.. please do some small things for yourself- anything- a nice dinner that you enjoy, a nice hot drink, a face mask, a hair salon trip, a power walk. Anything - just for yourself. And find a councillor or therapist who can see you at short notice even if it’s just once or twice. Even if it costs you some money I would thoroughly recommend it to save yourself from this negative narrative that is totally untrue.

You are good enough and deserving just as you are. Even if you had no job. You’d still be good enough for this earth just as you are. Be kind to yourself starting today, even if it’s in small ways to begin with. 💖 Xxxxx

I can relate so much to your OP, I could have actually written it! Also horrendously bullied at school which has had a massive impact on my life and my sense of well being. I think people still underestimate the affects of bullying on adult-life. I even remember being told at the time (by adults!) just to put up with it as it will all pass I won’t think about the bullies when I leave school- how wrong they were. Are you in a relationship or have any friendships now OP? The only thing that consoles me is that I’m surrounded by nicer people now, but I admit I’m often on the defensive and find it hard to form close friendships.

You’re not destined to be a failure or a loser, and you’re not either of those things. Being bullied has stripped you of your self esteem, that is all. Bullies have a lot to answer for, I hope they are sorry for what they did and I hope you feel better about yourself from reading all these replies.

Also those girls are absolutely horrible people, young or not. We know better at 12 than to say those things. They are probably miserable now competing against their own ‘friends’. They aren’t the Queens of the Universe & don’t get to decide how you feel, certainly not 20 years on. You can choose now- choose to love yourself & show yourself that with some kindness. As if you were taking care of an old friend who really needed someone. You would be really brilliant as a bullying councillor; I think doing something like that might give you some healing too. xxx

bullying has such huge effects OP, at the age you were your mind, sense of self, personality and behaviours were all developing so you learned to be that person and think that way. It's a shitty place to be, but you aren't a loser.

I was there too, horrifically bullied in secondary school, a series of disastrous situations and poor decisions until I took control. It's not an easy thing to do, it takes a huge effort and commitment but it's possible. I still resent that my experience as a child/teen wasn't a pleasant one but after letting go of the anger it was much easier to move on for myself.

Do you have any support? There are things you can try to start yourself off, meditation and affirmations- reframe yourself and how you think, change your negative behaviours, make a list of things you want to change and how to achieve them (start small and work up to the big stuff, you'll want little wins to build confidence). CBT/therapy can help too.
I know that can sound like bs, I'd have thought the same too but with the right tools you can change the things you want to.

@MajesticallyAwkward

bullying has such huge effects OP, at the age you were your mind, sense of self, personality and behaviours were all developing so you learned to be that person and think that way. It's a shitty place to be, but you aren't a loser.

I was there too, horrifically bullied in secondary school, a series of disastrous situations and poor decisions until I took control. It's not an easy thing to do, it takes a huge effort and commitment but it's possible. I still resent that my experience as a child/teen wasn't a pleasant one but after letting go of the anger it was much easier to move on for myself.

Do you have any support? There are things you can try to start yourself off, meditation and affirmations- reframe yourself and how you think, change your negative behaviours, make a list of things you want to change and how to achieve them (start small and work up to the big stuff, you'll want little wins to build confidence). CBT/therapy can help too.
I know that can sound like bs, I'd have thought the same too but with the right tools you can change the things you want to.

That's who you HAVE BEEN, who do you want TO BE? You can choose your own path for the future and be whoever you want to be. Don't let these bullies make you feel like you are 'stuck with your lot'- you have all the power and all the control to live exactly as you want to.

I’d be too embarrassed to tell a therapist.
I feel like they’d be sat there thinking - well yes, of course they were horrible to you, you’re pathetic.

I feel like they were right.

If this were true you wouldn’t be here asking. You know it’s not true. You’re asking for help to breaking the deep seated negative talk pattern you’ve been performing. You’re asking for help because you know you can be helped.

Now everyone who will respond to this post will give of their time and experience to help you, because you’ve asked and because they know you can change things. Give them the respect of acknowledging that they are giving you something of value and by doing something with it.

You're not a failure. And I think PP might be right, in constantly telling yourself you are, are self fulfilling that prophesy.
I know it will be hard, but I am a big believe in that what you put out there you get back. Try and portray the person you want to be.

And do speak to a counsellor, I can guarantee you they will not judge you.

@Avocadodiary

I wouldn’t talk to anyone like that. I barely even felt like a human for those years though and it’s never left me. I always put what I want and how I feel about things last because I feel like I’m barely even worth the space I take up.

Oh lovely You are worth so much more than they have made you feel. I’m so sorry you experienced such bullying that has left you feeling this way

What qualities do you admire, op? Kindness, empathy, self-understanding I bet. Well you embody those important things - you are far far better than those little dimwits who clearly valued superficial bollocks and bullshit popularity.

I had a similar experience at a similar age. I remember a class of 30 kids screaming at me ‘no one likes you! No one wants to be your friend’ and even typing this 26 years later I’m crying, that shit has such a negative effect. It’s definitely affected my relationships and my outlook and how I see myself, but I have also managed to use it as a tool - I want to prove them wrong.

Can you try and do the same, get angry rather than get upset? You’re more than enough, you’re not a loser. You can choose to be happy in spite of those fuck wits, and in spite of your life not panning out exactly as you planned.

I read the title and came in to say that's a horrible way to talk about someone and I'm even sadder to read that you are talking about yourself.

Please speak to someone, thinking a counsellor will judge you is the bullies still working their nasty on you. You're not a loser, you're someone who was traumatised by horrible people. Please seek help to make you realise you're not who they have made you think you are.