To think some people are just destined to be losers?

[Avocadodiary]

I feel like I am!
It doesn’t matter what I do it’s like I will never shake off being horribly unpopular and bullied at school. That’s my identity. I’m a failure and a loser.
I never have anything interesting to say. I don’t have any friends. I have a dead-end low paid job with no prospects and I can’t even do that. Every morning I get up and know it’s another day of failure.
I want to give up.
When I was very small - pre aged 13 when I was bullied for several years - I didn’t feel like this. It’s like since then I was tarnished and now I wish I was anyone but me.
Some people just seem to sail through - I know everyone has problems - but they seem to be valued by others, they seem to have some enjoyment and hope from life.
I had a good start with a settled family, reasonably well off, and I didn’t start out as stupid but I’ve never achieved anything and if I fell off the face of the planet no one would even notice.
I’m at the point where I’m so horrified by myself that I’ve started to throw my personal belongings away. I don’t even want to look at them. It’s hard to live 24/7 with someone you hate.

I don't think of it as "destined to be a loser", but I do think some people have terribly low self esteem and it can be almost impossible for them to build it up, especially if they've had bad experiences with bullying etc.

But I do say "almost". Very rarely is there truly nothing you can do.

With respect, are you sure you're not telling yourself how it's your destiny to be a failure, because it is indeed frightening and difficult to take the path to other things?

Read The Midnight Library by Matt Haig

Did your parents try and do anything to protect you, OP?

Bullying is horrific, but I think a lot of lasting damage can often come from feeling that you weren't worth fighting for by the people who were supposed to.

The whole point of a therapist is not to be judgemental and to help you move forward. No one here thinks you sound like a loser and no one would think that someone 'deserved' to be bullied. A therapist or counsellor wouldn't either. If you felt uncomfortable saying it all out loud then you could write some things down and ask them to read it. Did you ever feel valued by your parents OP? I'm wondering if that is a big issue for you as well?

Fucking hell this makes me so mad.

My ex is one of the smartest and kindest people I know. He manages a colossal hedge fund. And he (now in his fifties) will still break down "why am I so stupid". Because his fucking mother told him he was. And you tell a child something often enough, they'll believe it. He's literally a billionaire, a brain like a computer. And he cries at the "stupid pathetic boy" he is.

Look what those bastards did to you OP. You're no loser. They've told you that you are, until it's become engrained in you that it's fact.

Bastards bastards bastards.

You are not a loser. You are a victim of some vile pieces of work, who have remained in your head.

Sorry if this isn't the most diplomatic post, but I just wish you could see what we all see.

Because we see someone who has been so severely bullied, they still believe what the bullies said. We don't see a loser. At all. We see someone who we want to shake so bloody hard, to see that you have been conditioned and this is not who you are.

Trust me, not as hard as I want to shake those fucking bullies. How dare they do this.

So, OP, no more headspace for what those losers have done. What's the plan to get better? Counseling maybe? A trip somewhere to blow away the cobwebs? What's your first step?

Ah no, what a rotten little pack of bitches.
You are so much better than them, so very much better than you seem to believe. You can be happier and there's a whole lovely world out there for you to enjoy. Please look for a counselor in real life.

You're not a loser, those girls and that voice you've internalised were not right then, and are not right now. Do consider therapy: literally no therapist in the world would sit there thinking 'well yeah, she's a right loser' - they'd see a desperately hurt little girl who needs nurturing and caring for, and who with the right self-care can learn to shine.

I was bullied at primary school. I had therapy at your age. It took a few years but it changed my life: I now rarely have that voice in my head telling me I'm a sad, pathetic loser that doesn't deserve any friends. And, once I tackled that, lo and behold I started making friends and now have a lovely social life with some really rich friendships - something I thought would always be for other people but not for me.

You were bullied. You didn't deserve it. You're not a loser, and you can change your script or your narrative if you work at it - you really can.

Why should you trust the judgement of nasty insecure 12 year olds?

Put yourself on a spectrum of 'bad', consider the following, Do you
Molest children?
Killed anyone for fun?
Steal peoples life savings?
Torture animals?
People trafficking?
Sell heroin to kids?
Burn houses?
Own slaves?
Beat your kids to death?
No, I didn't think so, counselling is the way to go, you are not irredeemable whatever some dumb kids did to you.
I had a lot of bullying, rejection, am in a lot better place now.

Oh op I've been where you are.
I spent most of my teenage years wondering what was so wrong with me that people didnt like me.
Was only confirmed when I was bullied at work and on one occasion lost my job but was told repeatedly "it's nothing to do with your work" its soul destroying as you spend so much time trying to figure out what is wrong with you that you forget to be you.
I'll

Sorry posted to soon.
I will always carry the scars of what was said and done to me. But now I have a handful of friends who I can just be myself with. They dont think theres anything wrong with me. Please look into counselling I think it would help you.

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

No, I think some people always believe they are losers to the point where it totally debilitates them and they can’t see any point in trying to do anything new or different and so it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

^ this I think you may need some counselling and medication to get out of this thought process. Of course you aren’t a loser.

Op I know this feeling. My own mother used to tell us that the children who were bullied were a certain “type” of child and they seemed to attract the bullies. So I felt I could never confide in her as I would be admitting that there was something wrong with me. I often think about how even though I was great at sport (best in my year probably) I was still picked last for teams in pe! That is how much I was disliked !

I have kind of made my peace with it and enjoy my own company where I can. At the moment I watch a lot of Netflix, which sounds really sad, but it does give me something to do !

I'm so sorry, OP, I could have typed much of what you said word for word. I didn't get much support either being deemed "too sensitive" and so on. (I'm actually neurodivergent, diagnosed last year.) Scars from bullying run deep, and I hope you find appropriate help and solace.

I wish I had answers for you but empathise with you and everyone else who have had similar experiences

You are not a looser! And having a dead end job is not the bad thing either - don't let society tell you otherwise.

I agree with others about therapy and / or starting some sort of hobby - write a blog for example (not for income, just for fun - maybe even sharing your struggles anonymously). Is there anything you like doing in particular?

Imagine you were walking back into the playground of your old school and you saw a young girl being picked on by those arseholes. What would you say to that girl and what would you say to the bullies? Would you tell her that the things they were saying were untrue and that they were vile? Now imagine that young girl is your younger self and say the same things to yourself.

I have been bullied horribly and I have also been very popular at times - who I am is not a reflection of either of those times. I'm me and I have a right to my space on this planet as much as you do. (I do still struggle with it though).

Be very kind to yourself. You are not who they decided you were.

You deserve better than this harsh inner voice.

If you 13 again what would NEED to hear? Be that kind supportive strong loving voice to your inner child. Tell her it wasnt her fault, that is worth so much more. That you will keep her safe and those voices will stop now as you wont let her be tortured anymore. Then do it.

Argh! Just wrote a long post but it got deleted by accident. I basically just wanted to say that I get how you feel. I feel like this too when I am low in mood (I have bipolar disorder and suffer from recurrent depression). I’m having a really bad day today and feeling the same way. You do sound depressed to me - which isn’t to minimise the hurt and the harm these bullies did to you, but I do think people focus more on these old psychic wounds when they are feeling depressed, and I would encourage you to get some help with your depression (feeling worthless and useless etc. is an absolutely classical symptom of depression in case you didn’t know).

Some mean girl style bullies said some pretty awful things to me as a young teen too, and I don’t know why but they absolutely do come back to haunt me and ring in my ears when I’m low and especially when I am being unfairly treated or criticised. Although it all receded at Uni where I was actually very popular, I was then in an abusive marriage which made it worse, and more recently the vitriol from the general public towards GPs (I am a GP) during the pandemic has also made these girls voices come back in my ear telling me I’m ugly, I’m worthless and useless, I’m a loser, nobody will ever love me, I’ll always be alone etc. However when I’m depressed there is a tiny “logical” part of my brain which is saying “of course I’m not a loser”, and it’s important to listen to that part of your brain and not squash it down with evidence that you are by letting your “emotional” brain completely take over. Don’t let the bastards grind you down!

I do think there is something also in what others have said that it can be a self fulfilling prophecy if you’re not careful. That sounds really harsh but it’s not meant to be. I do think you sound worryingly low in mood at the moment, and I appreciate that right now you may simply not be capable of just “being positive and confident” etc as people will “helpfully” suggest. And I have limited time for “The Secret” type nonsense. But there is a truth to the fact that if you walk around expecting to fail at everything and thinking you’re not good enough, then you will not put yourself forward for some opportunities you might have done otherwise and even if you do try for these opportunities, you may not be selected for them if you deep down think yourself that you’re not up to the job etc. as others can pick up on that. And if you walk around thinking you are fab and expecting everything to go well for you and opportunities to fall in your lap it doesn’t hurt as people pick up on those positive vibes too! So it’s important to try to turn it around. I know only too well how it can be a bit of a vicious cycle of having your confidence knocked and then being afraid to take opportunities etc. And it’s so hard to change that once you’re there. But just as you can get into a negative cycle, you can take steps to change it to a positive circle, however I do think you need some help with this at the moment from a counsellor, friends and family, and possibly antidepressant medication too. And I don’t think you can just decide to do it and in the next instant be fine, it takes time and work. I think CBT therapy would really help you.

I do think there are often typical characteristics of those people who tend to get bullied and also those who bully. However, it might actually say more about them than you that they were bullies or that they picked on you. A lot of bullies do it because they are jealous or unhappy or being abused in some way themselves. Looking back I genuinely think some of my bullies were simply jealous of me because I got good grades without having to work very hard at it, and my parents weren’t divorcing etc. Looking back I actually wouldn’t be surprised if one or more of them was even being sexually abused and taking it out on me, a “safe” target who would not retaliate. I think it didn’t help that I went through puberty late, making me an easy target for bullies, but it’s not exactly something I could have done anything about. Because they picked on you doesn’t mean you did anything wrong or what they said to you was true. What do they know, they are just 13 year old mean girls trying to get a reaction!! The objective truth is that I was actually conventionally pretty, which I realised when I went to university, so for example being picked on for being ugly, I don’t think was really anything to do with the fact that I was objectively ugly. It was just something hurtful to say. Unfortunately it doesn’t stop me feeling like I’m ugly on bad days especially now I’ve gained a lot of weight. So I do understand your pain because today I feel all of those awful things about myself and on top of that I’m frustrated that what some stupid bullies said to me age 13 is still affecting me now in my 40s.

Try and get some help for depression and talk to family and friends who will be able to reassure you of your non-loser qualities!

I'm.sosorry you are feeling like this..you are not a loser at all. you have no self worth because of what others have done..shame on them

@Avocadodiary

I’d be too embarrassed to tell a therapist. I feel like they’d be sat there thinking - well yes, of course they were horrible to you, you’re pathetic.

I remember they used to tell me to kill myself and that everyone would be happier if I were dead. They used to say they didn’t want to be near me in case they accidentally breathed the same air as me and I was so disgusting. They’d say my parents must be horrified I was their daughter and must wish I’d die in a horrible accident.

These were 12 year old girls! It did go on for three years though. There was a group of four of them.

These negative thoughts are exactly why CBT is worth trying. You might come away with the same beliefs, you might not. Worth a try though isn’t it?

I was bullied, it does stay with you but it doesn’t have to define you.

Suggestions of long baths, face packs, meditation, even cbt might work for some but not others. You might find heavy metal and extreme sports give you comfort!
Nothing will help if you don’t think that you deserve it which makes self care hard to start. It’s not a nice cup of tea that instantly makes you feel better and appreciate yourself.

Please talk to your Gp, you don’t have to go into detail. If you can’t do it for you, do it for for all the other 12 year old girls that are going through this now.

I used to think like you and I was also bullied at school. They were the worst years of my life.
I had 1.5 years of therapy at age 25 where I learnt that I had developed a victim mindset and that I was putting myself on the edge of groups of people, which in turn perpetuated my self-perception as a victim. I am now very happy and can catch myself thinking that way when I am run down or tired. I am then able to challenge myself. You can get better OP but I agree that a trip to the GP is in order.

I gasped when I read what those girls used to say to you, OP. Yes, they may have been 12 years old, but that was a horrific way to talk to anyone, let alone another child. No wonder you feel so unhappy now, when you experienced all that at such a young age. I'd like to think that one or two of the bullies occasionally wake up in a cold sweat and remember what they did to you with horror, but maybe it's wishful thinking, I don't know.

I agree with a lot of the previous posters that it would be a good idea to try out therapy, if only to work on getting the words of those girls out of your head.

People are often reluctant to accept that they could have PTSD from something that isn't war or extreme violence, but you can absolutely have PTSD from persistent bullying. The fact that the bullying is still harming you to such an extent years later suggests that you could be suffering from PTSD.

Please don't write yourself off, you are worth so much more than you think. I strongly suggest you consider getting help for the harm that has been done to you. It's not fair that you should have to live with this for so long.

Nothing wrong with you. Plenty wrong with the bullies. I’m so sorry you went through this.

No op you’re not a loser or destined to be one.

My ex is destined to be one though, he’s a druggy, alcoholic, steals from people including myself, hangs around scumbags, always feels sorry for himself and everyone else is the issue.

That’s a loser op not you.

You have low self-esteem as a result of a horrific experience in school, you need to try to work on that and I'd imagine a therapist would be best to help you with that. You might hit some lows, but I think a consistent therapist would help you get over these, don't let those demon voices win and remember you can re-write your future!

I think you should chat to a counsellor, OP. I've been where you are. Bullies hammered my self-esteem in to the ground. One day I decided I wanted to take that power back. You aren't a loser, but if you allow your inner-voice to tell you that forever, you'll feel like it forever. Take control of your happiness and go to a counsellor.