To think some people are just destined to be losers?

[Avocadodiary]

I feel like I am!
It doesn’t matter what I do it’s like I will never shake off being horribly unpopular and bullied at school. That’s my identity. I’m a failure and a loser.
I never have anything interesting to say. I don’t have any friends. I have a dead-end low paid job with no prospects and I can’t even do that. Every morning I get up and know it’s another day of failure.
I want to give up.
When I was very small - pre aged 13 when I was bullied for several years - I didn’t feel like this. It’s like since then I was tarnished and now I wish I was anyone but me.
Some people just seem to sail through - I know everyone has problems - but they seem to be valued by others, they seem to have some enjoyment and hope from life.
I had a good start with a settled family, reasonably well off, and I didn’t start out as stupid but I’ve never achieved anything and if I fell off the face of the planet no one would even notice.
I’m at the point where I’m so horrified by myself that I’ve started to throw my personal belongings away. I don’t even want to look at them. It’s hard to live 24/7 with someone you hate.

Oh OP I am so sad to see you talking about yourself like this! I'm sure you would never say or think this about anyone else! I agree with other PPs that CBT would be good for you. Please take from this that you are not a loser or a worthless person, you just need a bit of help in getting over a trauma from your past. Good luck I wish you all the best for the future x

reading your posts I can see you are persistent. you get up everyday and go to work in a job that you don't much like.

you are sensitive and
kind as you wouldn't speak to people like they did.

you are literate and write well...

three or four positives about you..just from your posts.

A few years ago, I felt like you seem to feel right now. It was to do with my trying to 'fix' myself for perceived mistakes throughout my life.
You're trying to find something through this post, hopefully this is the beginning of you working towards a better way of living.
I used to genuinely hate myself. I did a course of CBT using a Melanie Fennell book - 'Overcoming Low Self Esteem and Confidence'. At the start, I truly hated myself. It supported me to find a different way of thinking. Would massively recommend you try to find some support and I hope that goes well for you.

So sorry OP. This feeling is more common than you might think. You are precious and unique and good. Because we all are. You need to get therapy to get to the root of why you feel this way. Good luck x

Being bullied at school does do lasting damage. I was and the echoes of it are still there and undermining my confidence at times and I'm mid 40's now.

What helped me be able to balance it a little was watching my children at the ages I was when most struggling at school and how they interact with their peers. Children of that age are completely self absorbed - and so very young and naive. It helped me see what I might have done to trigger some of it and what they did to me. It helped me forgive them and myself and try to move back to a time prior to the bullying when I was more confident and reach out to that stage of my childhood.

It has helped a bit. But the legacy of the bullying remains a shadow.

My point being you are most definitely worth something. You need to find the way out of the shadow and into some sunshine. I hope things work out for you.

P.s. I have done quite a lot of research into CBT and therapy and would really recommend doing therapy instead of CBT. If you want for long term and deep understanding and change rather than just help with coping for a bit.

You can change things. It doesn't have to be like this. Start by reassessing how you spend your time. What are your options in terms of retraining in order to get a job you would rather do? Or options for progression? Opportunities to pursue other interest?

You are interesting. You can become even more interesting. You are young enough that you can still shape what your life looks like and you are not too late for anything. Can we get an idea of your skill set, interests etc. And help you figure out where to go from here in terms of work / hobbies? It is time to be 'selfish' and put yourself as top priority.

You can and will be happier. It is entirely possible to turn things around for the better but it might be uncomfortable making some changes & leaps.

@Avocadodiary

I’d be too embarrassed to tell a therapist. I feel like they’d be sat there thinking - well yes, of course they were horrible to you, you’re pathetic.

I remember they used to tell me to kill myself and that everyone would be happier if I were dead. They used to say they didn’t want to be near me in case they accidentally breathed the same air as me and I was so disgusting. They’d say my parents must be horrified I was their daughter and must wish I’d die in a horrible accident.

These were 12 year old girls! It did go on for three years though. There was a group of four of them.

Perhaps you could start building a relationship with a therapist by showing them this thread, you are articulate & your written experience & feelings would give a therapist a good introduction to you. You deserve so very much to learn to love yourself & enjoy your life

I absolutely don’t believe that for a moment. I agree with what the pp said you are not treating yourself with kindness. That’s not your fault because your bullies made you believe that stuff is true but it’s not. I’ve seen a lot of bullies - both kids and adults (I work in a very heirarchical profession where people can get away with it) - invariably they behave that way because they hate themselves and/or are deeply insecure. I really do think you should think about seeing a therapist or doing cbt. You need to reset your thinking and to be able to start treating yourself with some kindness because you deserve it. Everyone does.

Also I really don’t think anyone has to be trapped by your past. You can’t change the past but you can move on and move forward.

You don't (and didn't) deserve to be bullied. But you need to work on building up your confidence and self-esteem. I have seen several people I know develop a victim mindset as a result of an incidence such as bullying/trauma, which then makes it more likely that bad things will happen to them, as they are expecting them to if that makes sense.
You need to focus on what you want your life to be going forward and try to leave the past behind you. Maybe continue to get rid of your belongings if that is helping, or move somewhere new for a fresh start.

OP my daughter is 18 she has severe mental health issues, is housebound and won't see or speak to anyone other than her MH team. I strongly advise you to get counselling/therapy whatever, you definitely have been so badly affected by bullying - thats exactly how it started with her at exactly the same time. Please get help to move on, you are worthy.

Sorry I meant to add, what you are saying sounds exactly like what my DD says, that she's a loser, that things will never get better and so on - so I see "bits" of her illness in you - depression and anxiety, low self esteem. She is constantly embarrassed to talk to her psychologist about it, I know how you feel.

You don't have to feel this way. This is depression. Please OP I'm worried about you. Can I recommend a book, it's called Feeling Good by Dr David D Burns. I listened to it on Audible. It's so good. Please please give it a try and call your GP to discuss how you're feeling. Do that tomorrow. Please!

And remember - always remember - feelings aren't facts. Just because you feel a certain way doesn't make it a fact.

The damage caused by bullying is absolutely phenomenal. You absolutely aren’t worthless or a loser, you think that as a result of how those wicked people treated you. You can definitely heal.

You don’t need to measure yourself by your job. Society needs all of us to function so whatever job you do is valuable. and nobody says on their death bed that they wished they’d worked more.

There is nothing to be embarrassed about. Those bullies should be embarrassed. You also don’t need lots of friends or to be popular.

You have picked up the bullying where the bullies stopped Op, you poor bugger. For what it's worth, I feel the way that you describe feeling only I don't get out of bed in the morning as it feels insurmountable so I think you're a solid legend for managing that. I've also skipped work dozens of times because the thought of getting up and being an absolute tool just broke me down, so again I think you're amazing for managing to go to work. Every teeny tiny small thing that you do is an achievement because getting anything done when you feel like that is HUGE. It's time for you to treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated though, it has to start with you

OP you’ve made the first move by posting here and that is to be admired.
I completely understand: can I tell you, by the time I was 14, I had been to 13 schools and being ‘the new girl’, was pretty much bullied at them all after the age of 7. It crushed me, my outlet was writing every day, just to simply empty my head of all the crap. It has affected all aspects of my life, I’m a pleaser, I cannot sustain many friendships, I don’t trust people’s intentions, I feel like I have to work extra hard, be extra nice etc because all I’ve ever wanted is to be accepted, and liked for me. It’s exhausting and I fall into the trap of hating myself - I could’ve cried when I read your OP. I’ve felt like that often.
But honestly nothing helped until I saw a counsellor. First time at age 25 for a year and second time age 45 and only stopped because of Covid. What it has helped me with is grieve for the girl that was in pain, that had no support network or anyone to rely on, the little girl who felt unwanted and unloved.

I’m a working project, and it definitely raises its ugly head every now and then, but since talking, (and getting it out the first time is hard I know), each time the pain gets a little tiny bit less. I started anti depressants last year, and that has helped immensely.
Would you be comfortable having a chat with your GP?
Lots of love and strength to you - you ARE an amazing human, don’t let the past define the rest of your life xx